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where to begin..
well not much has changed since last post unfortunately, and i am growing in my own frusteration for lack of direction in my life. I want to go back to school, but i cant think of what for, and i am not the type to spend excessive amounts of money JUST to go with no goal or focus and end up doing something completely irrelevant. Waste of money that i dont have. I've been thinking of going to school to be a medical office assistant. decent money, nothing great. The ony appealing aspect there is consistency. Some days as a hair dresser you dont make much where as other days you do. Also, its only a 6 month course, and relatively cheap as far as any type of education goes... but at the same time - that is not my goal in life. i dont think i would enjoy being an office assistant,sitting all day. so i am at a cross roads, whats more important. consistent decent paying job thats boring. or a fun job that doesnt make much money.
I know if i really work at it, i can make alot of money being a hair stylist. I know im not in the right place for it. but that brings me to my next point. Maybe I shouldnt worry about school right now, and just get a better job as a hair stylist. - which im leaning more towards(keep the fun job and dont have to pay for education). I just dont know what i want out of anything anymore and its exremely tolling on me, and i just want something to happen, an opportunity to present itself to me. I know generally things dont just happen for you, you have to actively seek out things. but i dont know what im looking for. I feel like a lost puppy, i"ve lost my drive, my motivation. I have a boyfriends whos nearly dead set on staying in vernon and is completely content living in his parents basement. I'm so ready to move, but if i move to kelowna to work, that only puts us further away. and god knows im usually the one driving over there.. i want to live in vancouver to be close to my family. i miss emma so much it hurts. somehow i feel like all of my inabilities right now are all linked to rob. i want to know where i'm going to move so i can get a job there or school, or just start figuring out my life. but i feel like he'll just stay where he is. I love him, and he's one of the things that makes me happy in my life - most of the time. so i dont want to leave him. Real love is so rare and precious, that to find it and then throw it away is far too foolish.
although if nothing ever changes with us, i have to think about my self and move on with my life. i cant sit in this frusteration for ever. i want my life to move forward. and at this point i dont care if thats education/great job. or getting married and having a family. i want something to show for my life so far, i want to know im getting somewhere, im doing something more. something i can be proud of.
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well hello there dearest lj.
so rob's been back for a little over two months now, and luckily we picked up just where we left off. Both still in love, and growing in our love every day. It's been great, I've even had a few days where it scares me how big a part of my life he is, because then i think "well what if something happened and we broke up" and the thought just tears me apart. That's what scares me, I've never let myself fall so far before, I'd love to think it will last and i have every intention of keeping and working towards this relationship, but realistically, some people fall in love and then fall out of it. I pray that doesn't happen. But I always tend to look at things in all sorts of different lights. If you never think of it as a possibility its just that much more of a blow when it happens.
We've been spending a lot of time together and many nights, and find myself missing him the nights i dont see him. but all this time spent together, things can get a bit testy but nothing of any major importance, but it's good we've at least reached that point where we're not scared say what's what.
on the other hand, in my life i feel stuck. I want to move, but i dont. I want to move to kelowna, i want to move to vancouver. i want a different job. it's crazy i just dont know where to direct my energy right now, and im quite literally morally stuck at my job. allison just left to live in vancouver and i want to leave, but how *convienent* that would be. I feel like theyd be screwed without me, and i feel like i couldn't do that to my co workers. we'll see where life lands me.
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why does something so dreadful have to happen at the same time of something so amazing.
i guess this remains a consistent pattern in my life i've noticed. you can't have a good or a great with out a bad or with out pain.
rightfully so, the only way to know the good is to know the bad.. but in this instance it seem's a little much.
My boyfriend is finally coming home in a few days, and i can't believe it's already here, it's already been 6 months. I am so glad, and so excited and nervous to see him, i've been thinking about him a lot and I just hope we find ourselves back in harmony, in a better harmony we had before he left. This experience between us had to of made us stronger.
At the same time of this, my nana has been in the hospital since monday. she had a blocked artery in her leg and was suffering tremendous pain. She had surgery yesterday and recovered really great. we were all relieved.
especially when yesterday i was at work and my mom txtd me to call her, so i did and my mom just said "nana's going in to surgery now, i just thought you might want to say a few words to her" with the unspoken thought of ' this might be the last time you talk to her' so i told her i loved her and wished her good luck, and her voice was so raspy and she sounded so rough and week and all i can make out at the end was "god bless" and it kind of broke me. i took a deep breath before walking back into work and vicky asked me one question and i broke down. This is unlike me, i am not one to show my emotions so openly. Just talking to her then i couldn't take it, and i cried - luckily no clients where there at the time. I went home early.
This morning everything was great, but by noon the doctor said she had kidney failure and we'll see how it is in the morning. so the option is staying on a dialisis machine or let her go.
if it's not better by tomorrow morning, my mom and her siblings have came to the decision to let her go, it could take two days or two weeks. Things took another turn and this is a trying time for my family. I love her infinitaly, and have always had a connection with her unlike any one else.
that's all i can say for now, is that she's in my prayers and im sending all my best wishes and good energy towards her now.
This puts a bit of a damper of the whole rob coming home thing, but it might go well and everyting will be fine.

love you nana, you're strong and you can get through this.
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Do you remember your first crush? Did you ever tell that person about your feelings?

no but my friends certainly did.
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Herro journal.
a little less of an angsty post this time haha.
a month and a half left, things are moving. slowly but quickly at the same time. For some reason because its less time to wait i feel like it should be going by faster. but it's not really, i'm excited nontheless, but i just want him here now. not in 6 weeks, call me greedy.
i go through phases of feeling really unsatisfied and miss him like crazy, and then i go through phases where i am just content. i still wish he was here right now and i miss him but i get a bit numb from time to time. thank god. I wonder how we will be when he get's back, will we be madly in love or will we see eachother differently now with all this time apart.
if i wasted 6 months missing him to find out that we grew apart i'd be pretty pissed..
haha just thoughts, we love eachother and i'm sure it will be great once we're back together and probably be a stronger relationship, i can hope!
on another note, ive never felt so distant from my two best friends allison and michelle. I'll admit allison has be driving me nuts with her negativity lately and shitty attitude so i've definately been wearing "bitch" around her. and michelle i just havent seen for a long time, and i dont know allison must have bitched about me to michelle, because michelle seems distant too.
but we're meeting for dinner tomorrow night for vday, so we'll see what happens there.
Horribly, i find my self oddly attracted to zach. Like i would never go there, but he's my friend and like he's a cool guy. just sleezy as fuck. and i know he wants me, and sometimes i have to make a conscious effort to keep my distance. we danced together when i was super drunk at moe joes which was hugely stupid of me, and i thought it was because he was just there and i was so drunk. but last night we went to a show with friends and i was like 'nope, ive only had one beer.. and i feel a bit of attraction here' so that's a scary situation. I wouldnt do anything to fuck up my relationship with Rob, i just hate that i even feel slightly attracted to him. my opinion is its because i've been like.. without guy for so friggen long, that it's alot easier for me to be attracted to people. where as when rob was here i didnt want any one else. I still don't, and i made that clear to zach, i'm just being tempted. asshole.
mm looking for another job, sent out like 6 resumes out tonight. hope something comes my way. my boss decided to sell her business, so that's a pretty clean out for me :)
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do you know that feeling when your toes are cold, and you completely walk into something hard and stub them. I just did that, and the first things i feel right after that horrible pain is sickness and anger.i feel like throwing up from that pain and i feel angry that the universe let me walk into my space heater.
you know what thought first came into my head when i was angry?
your distance in more ways then one is far from impressive. I am your girlfriend i am the one who is waiting for you like a fool over here, idleing in the same mundane life i've always had.
I hate that i'm waiting for you, but i also don't want to give you up.
and this tear between wills frusterates me beyond belief. If you want me to be more on our relationships side, then show it. We're so far away, i feel like i am way more expressive to you than you are me in our messages to eachother, and it's hurtful to an extent. I know you are a man and men aren't as gushy, but showing feelings to me, makes me think of you as way more of a man than your the distance you demonstrate.
you tell me you love me, and say you'll be back in no time, but how repetitive that can get. I feel no more special then one of your friends you catch up with.
I feel like i deserve more, i feel like i deserve better.
Often i feel like im being a pawn in some silly game where i'm being humiliated.
I hate this, I'm a strong and independant woman and these things bring me down to where i hate to be.
I hate that you make me feel this way.
9 more weeks, might as well last. but you better fucking be worth it.
It's a scary thought at some of these feelings that surface with him, last weekend i went out dancing with the intent of getting drunk and crazy, it popped up in my mind i might get dancy and flirty. and i did, not only that i got really close to zach, who rob doesn't like.
and we danced, and i held his hand. that was the extent of it, but i couldnt help but feel part of that was spite, it was taking out some of that anger out on rob. without him knowing it, which is probably the worst kind of anger.
Of course, i wouldnt have let it progress to anything else, i had no intent of cheating. absolutely not. And if the subject comes up, i will tell him and not hide it.
the other reason i was with zach was because i havent had sex in 4 months, and i'm frisky as hell. haha and very attracted to men in general. I havent gone longer than 4 months without some form of male attention. I`m flirty, i like male attention. sue me. it doesnt mean i want them, it just means i want to tease them. Rob's the only one who has my heart, and the only one i'd go home to. The flirting is completely meaningless and superficial, it's part of my nature being single for so long. perhaps i'll break it one of these days, but i know being without rob brings it out a whole lot more.
I'm been having a rough few days, i dont know if its hormones or what, but i've been really tired and emotionally drained, and i've just had urges to cry. I haven't been feeling my self.
so a lot of this entry is just pent up energy being released, and i dont mean to be as hard on rob as i am, but I can't help but feel not as loved or cared about lately. in general. I miss my friends, i miss my car, i miss my freedom, i miss my life.
I know you love me and i'll get over my negative feelings. When i love, i love with my whole heart, and it's way to hard to give up on that even with a challenge thrown in between us. I just hope you appreciate what i've done for you, and appreciate that you have an amazing girl here that stuck by and waited for you.
we're both lucky. You more than me at this point.

unsatisfied but hopeful.

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I'm madly in love with you, but i am not at all entertained by your stories of drunken adventures.
It's all i seem to hear about is you drinking, and drinking all the time ,every day.
I did not sign up to be here waiting for you while you are off the carribean drunk every day.
Of course I want you to have fun and enjoy yourself and it didnt even bother me at first, but lately you've been consistently telling me about how much you drink now, do you think It makes me look at you better? it doesn't. Whatever, it's your life but you better come back home normal.
you left me to work, not to party. Be careful.
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As i sit here and look at my beautifully decorated christmas pine tree.
It occurs to me, christmas is over.
I had my wonderful family all togehter this year. Both my sisters and brothers in law and parents. It's only every other year where we are all together, so this was one of those special ones.
As stressful as it can be with so much company and hussle bussle around you, afterwards you look back and think "it's all over"
I rememember decorating the tree in early december and thinking that my sister would be here soon from vancouver and we would all have a great christmas. and even though some of it was stressfull or i was frusterated at my sister, it was all in love, and now things are quieter and emptier with everyone gone and everything's over. It's kind of sad, but fond memories to reflect on. Our first christmas with my new neice Emma.
The only thing missing this year was my boyfriend.
Oh sweet lit up christmas tree, how nostalgic you already make me.
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no one's priority.
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2 months in.
bah. what the deuce, i dont know how i can go four more months missing him like i do.
Luckily things have been moving quickly in some ways.. but it feels like it's never ending without him.
i'm sitting here watching ' untold stories of the er' ugh. so gross, but.. so... facsinating..
I lost my license and it sucks balls. I feel so trapped up in my hizzle and it sucks, and it couldnt have been at a worse time when i need to do all this christmas shopping. SO i've been taking the bus to work and back, luckily only twice so far because first wednesday my boss picked me up and today my neighbour took me on her way to town, both happend to drive past me walking to the bus stop. So i guess theres a bit of an upside there, also not driving means no paying gas which is another bonus. Obviosly i'd rather be driving.. but it's good to look at the positives.
Lately, i've been getting my period a week before i'm supposed to, but its like spotting but for like a few days before, and then the next week i get my period. it weirds me out, its only been the past couple months thats happened.. im on alesse and it shows me when im supposed to be getting my period. so.. i dont know whats up there, i looked up symptoms and the word pregnant kept coming up so i got out of there pretty quick before i gave myself a heart attack. I want to make a doctors appointment and ask my doctor about it, because it may mean i need a stronger b.c pill and i dont want to, i was nervous enough starting this low dose alesse. i dont want to up any hormones.. but i may not have a choice.
i had a dream about rob last night, i dreamed that i got to see him for some reason and i gave him a hug and he told me that he had made a mistake, and that he was going to try everything he could to come back. it was cute, but it got ruined by some weird.. other dreams within that dream hahah.. not that i think rob made a mistake, but i dont think he realised how much we would miss eachother..
anyways, peace out lj.
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