Purti's Lair

Bangkok to Singapore- Air fare: $1
WOW.

Ovinna said he knew of the websites. Now that is a a resourceful co-worker. Haha, let's see if he can get us all to watch movies on 2 tickets.

[Excited exchange banter begins]

I just realized we only have a week worth of a break in late Feb, and then another week before the final exams. Not enough time to see all those countries that I want to. Need Thu-Mon off. Haha, I should start course hunting at NUS already.

[Excited exchange banter ends]

Long day at work today, but still relatively quick. I am still disappointed that the call to Cuba never went through.

Phillip comes tomorrow =] Andy leaves on Tuesday =[

[Post deleted on August 13, 2007 for its nonsensical content, well, at least in retrospect]

Retained sentences:

He's right about one thing though. There are no right or wrong things to hear. There are things one wants to hear, and then things one actually hears.

Of course, everything is fine. It's just the end of the term. 4 months of rediscovery... and of course, summer walks =]

Yay! So my LJ finally "posts." This calls for a celebration. I think I'll allow myself for half a chocolate bar. It has been a long time. And wow, I just realized I do not crave icecream anymore. It's close to a year that I've had icecream! [Well, maybe I was offered it once during that time, and I did not decline] And coke or pizza, well, not that I did before. Pecan pies and yogurt? Well, that's another story.

Interestingly, I have slept 30/56 hours. Am I still catching up on sleep? Well, it really is time to lose more. Spanish tomorrow, Accounting on Wednesday, Economics on Saturday. Boom Boom Boom. And then 9 days of rigorous devotion History, Statistics and Exchange. I am getting seriously concerned about my concentrating abilities now. I just cannot seem to work. I get distracted and bored, and I am simply not interested in what I am studying. I think the next 28 hours holds solutions though, and I am going to hunt those down.

So my virgin ears have been subjected to a lot of Tom Green in the last 4 hours. To think I spent all that time just watching videos. Purti Awal has never done that. Purti Awal needs to re-examine her goals in life. Everytime I say that, a few people come to my mind- Perchal, Pollard, Paschal. [Oh Oh, Dion won by the way. Cute, but I really cannot be distracted from my current fixation ;)] 

About Perchal: I had the opportunity to attend his lecture last week. Needless to say, he was disarmingly gripping. I think that is the best way to describe what I felt. No, I didn't feel like crying (thanks for trying Max), no, I didn't feel the world was doomed, I just wanted to listen. I was shaken, but shaken simply that it was over. Well, only until January. 

About Pollard: I haven't had the opportunity to return to his blog in the past few days, but I read a post by him, "Closure" dated June 15, 2003. Of course, one of his personal posts but I feel necessary to connect with someone on the personal level when I am taking what he/she is saying seriously. So I ended up doing some personal reflection, and I was deeply interested by what he says at the end, "may you have the extraordinary sense to put your fictions of what might have been, to rest." I am proud of myself that I understood the difference between my day dreaming and my reality very early in life. I also know that I am, in certain matters, very impractical and driven to chase the fiction that'll never be. However, I have the extraordinary sense to believe that a balance will always exist, and the difference between what I have and what I want does not exist. One has to realize that what we want, we already have. Just look closer next time. 

About Paschal: I've wished to have been taught by him. Sadly, that will not happen, unless he decides to teach courses he does not currently teach. Just heard about some things he said about Accounting. I am not second guessing what I want to do, for I don't want it; I'm just going to let it happen. There are better things in the world to worry about. However, it makes me wonder if I wasn't where I am right now, if I had really taken up Health Sciences. In retrospect, I do not think I would have really enjoyed it. I still love Organic Chemistry though, but I like where I am. I like what I am studying, because I am beginning to see patterns around me, patterns which I used to thrive on. "Polite Power," the way I've always regarded it, I see it returning. And I feel good. I've got my nine lives back.

And once the noises cease, there'll come a still December. 14 days of searching for my old, abandoned niche--among books; I haven't read in a long while. Another year?

Do I still dread? I do. I spent my 13th New Year's Eve watching a Harry Potter movie, and when the clock struck 12, I turned to wish my brother who had fallen asleep. Before the phone began to ring incessantly, I remember staring at the ceiling with a wistfully happy smile. That was the last New Year's I truly enjoyed. It'll be my 18th soon, and I can feel the dread returning. 4 people, and just us four. We do okay. Just okay. But time and time again, I am forced to ask myself, "What happened?"

10 hours to my Accouting exam and I am yet to begin. Something tells me I will be okay though. I really should have looked into this before but weeks have been busy. In the latest exciting news on the Purtmeister- Drinking binge a week ago! Waterloo was memorable in more than one way, and mind you, memorable doesn't have to be a good thing.

This wasn't bad though. Contrary to what my "partner in crime," Michael Yarmolinsky might say, I think sleeping in the hotel hallway in front of some random guy's room, lying together on the bathroom floor and indulging in crying/complaining activities, then have him fall off the bed and later vomit over me, and then waking up to feeling hung over during the competition day, I really do not think that was too bad.

Until the foolish scene in the car. I usually have more restrain and wits around me! Anyways, what's done is done. It could have been better, but I don't think the drinking, or any of those had much to do with it. I wasn't myself, which I really couldn't help at that time. And then the "announcement" in the car. Tsk. Thanks for nothing ;)

I need to study. Gah. Who needs studying to feel smart? I feel smart. I need sleep. I need yogurt. No, I don't. I need broccoli and coloured vegetables and bananas and salmon and omega-3 fat. Resolute Purti, is that her?

I need clear skin *wails* HA! It really doesn't matter, beauty's on the inside, no?
*asks both the voices in her head to shut up*

Pending: Account of my trip. As stressful as it got at times, it was quite awesome. I'm still in withdrawl... post-vacation syndrome. I wouldn't call it a vacation though, but I know this is exactly what I needed. Having seen my friends turn into fine men and women, move on to different cities, studying at the best instiutions, my paternal cousins as crazy as they always were (how many card games can one play in 24 hrs? I think we laughed for 6/24 hrs in total), my maternal cousins as cute as they always have been, advising your older pseudo-brother on life, all those long "lost" drives, subway rides alone, and "watching Pirates of the Carribean" ;) Aah! All that bonding. *sniff* And let's not forget the fun and having indulged in creative, mad adventures ;)

Boat Cruise: Pretty good. Sorry guys, I don't get drunk that easily. I shoulder guys like Manu and Mohd. who were falling all over the place and indulging in dangerous flirting. And Leon is scared to let himself loose and Devesh won't dance. I actually do not know who all I danced with that night, but it was a pretty good night. The best part: Riding back in the van, lying on Yufic-stuff boxes with Leon listening to John Mayer. [Worthy to add: Jason didn't come. I felt crushed ;) Oh well]

Oh, and on a side note, I did pass my driving test a day before leaving ;) Hurrah!

I like my courses. I don't think I'll be saying that in another 2 months.

Sleep earlyish tonight?

So a turn away from the numbness I have felt lately. Certainly does not help during driving, I'll tell you that. I bought a pocket watch which spells "Grandpa" on it... and I have been admiring it for over 10 minutes now. I guess it is self explanatory who this is for.

I really want to go watch Lord of the Rings, the play, and also Superman. I believe I shall end up going with mother for one, and with brother for the other. What are friends for? Pfft. At least I know what to expect next summer now.

In other interesting news, I have been denied the OSAP loan. I don't blame them really, I guess they expect me to get by on scholarships which I have no prospect of getting with an 8.1 GPA. I am serious. I'll possibly end up getting $500? Why don't OSAP applications have spaces to describe where the actual parental income goes?! They conveniently put it, "We believe you have sufficient financial support to fund your education next year"... something like that. Yeah, those sufficient funds have to pay off a mortgage, furniture payments for every single room in the house, insurances for 2 cars, payments for a car, gas, toll routes fee, airplane tickets, pay off another OSAP loan with escalating interest rates. Our savings you say? Right... maybe there's something left after the 10% down payment on the house.

Anyways, I am not much into being in debt anyways (I can hear a voice chuckling inside, "the grapes are sour, eh?" But for further musing, are there no honest people in business at all? Are all small business owners out to screw their employees?! $800 I worked hard for, which I didn't get paid for because the companies just... whoosh whoosh... disappear in the air overnight! And the WHOLE month, I've heard of stories where people were scammed for their money.

Well, it works out in the end. A year down the line, this will be the least of my problems. Come December actually, I am going to try to have no problems, because, it all works out okay in the end :)

My boyfriend turned best friend turned I-need-you-to-solve-every-problem-I-have friend, Sagar Kandhari, emailed me last week. What can I say amigos, things change in 6.5 years. He went to Bombay on a school trip, saw the hotel we put up at all those years ago, and as he said, "freshened up old memories." Wow, I don't have a single picture from that trip. We were funny together. Him 4'4 inches, and me, 5'2 inches and I dared to wear platforms/heels around him. Mother never left us alone either about it... aah, the torment ;) What can I say amigos, the shorter they are, the sexier they look. A special shout out to MAY upon this? Hee hee.

So there's something called Zoints that Michael brought to my attention and I guess it wouldn't hurt to join. He claims it will grow into something big, and what can I say amigos... I have no reason not to believe him. Whatever role Zoints will play in my life, I can safely predict and say: negligible, and after the Facebook war between Mr. Islam and I, I think I'm pretty turned off towards that particular social networking website too.

And that is all I have to say for this day of June 1, 2006 amigos.

Purti Awal has left the building.

YES! I'm bored, yet again. Such a long, long day, and it's only about noon. Lunch hour! Hurry up! I am just plain hungry, had some tidbits of some moist chocolate cookies, but it doesn't satisfy me like it used to.

Can't think of much to write. Maybe what I need is another dosage of strings of sarcasm and fruitless arguments between the vain and virulent to charge me up. I feel weak in the knees, and not because I've been fooled by love (which is what the conventional reference is to), but because I do feel weak. I feel awfully lazy and tired these days, and also a little disoriented. I owe a couple of bad driving lessons to that.

Driving classes (>.<) [LOL, I didn't know I remembered that emoticon... aw, I miss talking to Gloria and Van] Well, just when I was beginning to think that there might be the bleak hope of becoming a decent driver, I just discovered I'm such a wimp on the road. How can a person not freak out when one drives between a TTC and Viva bus and still maintain the car in the centre of the lane? Or those HUGE tractor trailers keep braking every other minute or a bicyclist appears out of nowhere and you end up changing lanes without signaling just to avoid him? *sigh* Another one this evening. Let's see how that goes.

Mom was away for the weekend, it was such a lazy weekend. All Dad and I did was rewatch movies we had already seen at least 3 times and go bakery shopping at Galati's and devour scrumptious danishes. Akshay, as usual, was locked in his room for the weekend. I am really beginning to wonder what he does because he obviously doesn't get that much work... he is in Grade 10! How can he have been working on the computer incessantly for the last 1 month?

I'm going to get back to my then exciting, now monotonous job... I can't wait to start on my next project. Apparently, what I found challenging and fun 2 days ago is now very tedious. 3 projects done. I am so impressed with my work =P I had no clue I could be so organized... well, we learn something new about ourselves everyday. Maybe I shall go for a run with the others, but something tells me I don't have a shred of energy. Outtie now.

Utterly bored at work; lunch was uneventful, so let's see how this turns out.

It's over. Exams are done. And they went well. I am a little angry at myself for procrastinating all of Friday, well, specifically   a) helping a friend overseas, making long phone calls to him . At the expense of my Political Science exam?! NEVER! Well, I only realized that around midnight, and studied quite vigourously through that, and then planned to get 2 hours of sleep and wake up and study again. I overslept. Gah! 4 hours. Could only study an hour before the exam; it went relatively well though. The great essay mark I got compensated for it. Whoa... I've pulled so many one-night wonders this year. That 20 page essay was all written in one night, course, I did extensive research 2 days before, but that was pretty amazing. I was a little unsure about that one, reprimanded myself quite a bit for pulling such a thing, but it was a "stellar" one according to my TA, and much to Neil's annoyance, who hates my one-night wonders. Lol. Seems like all men in my life have a problem with that. Even Dad.

Well, well, my room is such a mess! I was thinking of posting pictures on later, but really, my reading chair has 2 bags, a jacket, a shorts, 2 pants, a sweater, 2 shorts, 2 bras, and a purse all piled up on it. I've been dumping everything on it for the last three days. The carpet is scattered with Political Science notes all over, I can feel some under the covers on my bed. My desk has 2 glasses and 3 mugs on it, there are some half-eaten strawberries in the corner and my books are strewn all over the place. Whoa, got to do some hard-core organization tomorrow.

Okay, Michael started a forum. It is a really good initiative, for a good cause and I wish him all the good luck in the world. I'll have to be frank though, I am sort of jealous! Now he doesn't give anyone the time of the day; from 8 a.m. to 11 p.m., it's always the forum, the forum and the forum!!! Bah! x 2. Tsk, maybe I shouldn't care. Okay, I'll stop caring from tomorrow.

Oh Phillip; don't leave please. My favourite Schulicher is leaving for the love of math! It's unfair. No one will recite Keats during lunch hours anymore, no one will talk in the Queen's English, no one will make random references to mathematical models, no one will entice me to have meals in the Exec Dining Hall, no one to share chocolate cake with after doing badly on an exam, no one to give me insanely painful massages etc. I'll miss him, and his PDA, and his big, black jacket, and well, the list goes on.

What else is there to complain/rant/discuss/talk about? Oh yes! I've been talking to Sagar almost everyday now, it's nice. Phone was so much fun, I don't think I've laughed so much in a while. I hope I see him sometime. It's been a long 4 years. He's changed, still lots of growing up to do, but he isn't the naive, innocent Sagar I tried to seduce in the train anymore. Those were good days.

And on an ending note, liberated off xnguyen87
"for a lack of better words to say
all i said was goodnight
once again in self defense
i wont sleep a wink to prevent dreaming of you"

Ohhhh... may it all end soon. Someone tell him to get out of my head.

I found myself staring at myself in the mirror for over half hour today. Randomly, I reached the conclusion that I am going to socially isolate myself a bit till the end of May at least. Then, come June, well, I'll be even more so the social animal than before... and will actually begin to have fun... continuing through the end of August at least. [Oh Rohan! Why must you come in June and not July?!] Why such a decision? Things need to change. Things about me. Things I can't control but plan to do something about within the next month.

So will it simply be work, tutoring, and the occasional family outing? Yes.
Course, with social events I NEED to go to, such as the Insider Executive Turnover Lunch. But nonetheless...
Time to watch loads of movies at home on a 52 inch screen, and logic seems to work out. Why spend 10 bucks at a theatre watching the newest movies, when one can just wait a bit, download them, sprawl on the most comfortable sofa and watch it on a relatively big screen?

Bleh. I cancelled my plans to watch V for Vendetta with my friends. I must. It's going to take a while, maybe a year or two in its entirety, but Mission Redefined is beginning. Hopefully something comes of it. It will take a stab in my oh-so-wonderful-income, but it's high time. Dammit, since I was 10.

I love myself. Now I just have to make sure the world loves me too. Took me 18 long years to realize that it does matter. Maybe I can get away by being vague on what 'it' is and soon, there will be nothing to conceal because it won't be there, or significantly reduced atleast.

Now before I drive myself insane, I'm going to go to bed. What a relaxing day it was... Breakfast in bed, followed by 1.5 movies, followed by usual chores, followed by some studying, followed by another movie, followed by random internet surfing... all this I'm hoping precedes a good night sleep of 4 hours and a good day at work tomorrow. Tutoring too. Dry. Won't be home until 7. That'll be 12 hours of work!

Also, a good friend, had an random outburst at my Communications Director title included in my signature to outgoing emails. Whatever in the world makes me "Money-Hungry", "Fame and Power Addicted Schulich Person" LOL. "So not qualities of a Buddhist". LOL. Well, ambitious is my second name, I tone it down a bit where needed, but I like the way it is. After all, it's not all about good grades! Can't wait till mid-May to find out how I did in that department this time.

How did this turn from a discussion of Mission Redefined to grades and ambition? Probably, because the latter makes me proud.
Oh well, I'm no Cleopatra.
And anyways, I can't compete with her beauty yet, gotta start taking milk baths! Now I just need someone to endow me wih jewels :P

Adios.

Have I been this happy in a while? Na, I don't think so.

It's an absolutely wonderful feeling. You wake up one bright afternoon after 20 hours of sleep... there, you just paid off all your exam frenzy sleep debt... You log onto your inbox and you find yourself smiling at that email you've been waiting for, for months!... You have about 50 hrs work weeks to look forward to, comprised of a lab/administrative/tutoring work... You do some Political Science exam preparation... You watch part of 2 movies which made no sense to you whatsoever... You feel good about the 5 sets of lingerie you bought, spending about $200 on it, and those sexy new bras hugging your attractive breasts (popular opinion is so) ... You have the most fulfilling meals during the day... You end up watching a whole hour of Sex and the City and Fear Factor... You have a few, short but good MSN conversations... (apart from that misunderstanding with the one you often have fights with these days, to whom you end up apologizing even when it was not your fault at all)... You get addicted to the most soothing and at the same time, emotionally stimulating song ever sung, which has a traditional, old (music) world order touch to it... You keep wearing your new glasses, which make you look a tad scholarly and decent, and find yourself posing in front of the mirror... You hug your mother 3 times during the day... You think your dad is being unreasonable when he points out that you forgot to put the dishes in the dishwasher... You get through a day without a fight with your brother... You realize how great your exams went... You know you are going to watch V for Vendetta next week, whether those 3 people who are supposed to accompany come or not... You mull over your longest and most favourite friendships reviving again after so many years... You look forward to stress-free months and thus, clearer skin over the summer... You are comfortably sprawled over your nice armchair with a soft, cuddly teddy bear beside you, one of your sweetest parting gift from the class of 2010, Sacred Heart... You feel a tear trickling down your cheeks at the thought of those wonderful times... You remember that sophisticated, yet less complicated life... You wish summer would hurry up so you could jump into skirts again and frisk around... You end up being the relationship counselor yet again for that guy friend of yours who just can't figure out women... You end up customizing your livejournal with softer, warmer colours... You stare at the clock, showing you have to wake up in another 5.5 hours, for a good 5 hours of tutoring... You feel the waves of your smooth, cascading hair over your body... You stretch, noticing your half nakedness relfected in the mirror... You know you just feel like a swim at this time around... You pull your bamboo shades up and stare into the wee hours of the morning... You close your eyes and wonder and wish and hope and thank... You just know you'll go to bed smiling under warm covers and wake up to another bright and brimming morning.

It's wonderful. Bliss, once again.

Closer than ever for it being almost over now. Between Wednesday and Friday, I got 5 hours of sleep in about 50 hours I think. And now once again, I find myself forced into the dreadful routine. Management is progressing slowly; I've been looking up old friends on hi5, motivated from today's ordeal. [I can't believe Guntaas found me (my nickname discoverer)]. Also motivated by dire heart-wrenching conditions, I've been listening to music on Yahoo, and just when I thought I had gotten those futile thoughts out of my mind... guess what song came up?



 Why, oh why must everything around me force me to anticipate what will never happen? 

On a more sordid note, I think some sort weird voyeur took a picture of me while I was in the closet, looking for what to wear. Okay, so when I have time, I prance around in my room naked, not bothering to dry myself with a towel but letting the water evaporate by itself... it's a REALLY soothing feeling. Of course, my bamboo shades were down (but I guess they are sort of translucent), and I was in my closet (My walk-in closet has a 6 ft x 2 ft window), just rummaging through some clothes when I saw a camera flash in the corner of my eye. Heck. Just what I needed. A naked picture of me circulating on Porn sites. Haha, anyways, so I stood by my windows waiting for someone to appear from the numerous windows across mine... well, no one did. So I'm just hoping I won't have one of my  friends download me while satisfying their carnal needs from Limewire. Anyways, all in good humor. I seem to take humor in everything these days.


Gah, must I return to Management? It's 3 hours into Sunday!

I am ... Purti (serious alter of Pert)
I want ... chocolate icecream cake
I have ... a green wicker waste-paper basket
I wish ... for a dog
I hate ... my skin
I miss ... Michael Y
I fear ... faliure
I hear ... someone climbing the stairs
I search ... for silence in my home every Sunday afternoon
I wonder ... if the Oil Sands in Alberta are the next big thing.
I regret ... the day of March 17, 2005
I love ... to play Literati/Scrabble
I always ... have Chinese food once a month
I dance ... till my toes bleed
I sing ... only to myself
I cry ... in the bathroom after watching movies like Gladiator and King Kong
I write ... essays and essays and essays
I win ... at poker sometimes
I lose ... at poker sometimes
I confuse ... myself when buying perfumes
I need ... orange juice
I should ... go to bed
My father thinks I am ... bad at cooking, but nonetheless, the greatest daughter ever!
My mother thinks I am ... rude at times, but nonetheless, the greatest daughter ever!
My ex-boyfriend thinks I am ... smart, all of which is an elaborate ploy so he can drive me to become hooked to freebasing on meth
I am complimented for ... being a great dancer
I get embarrassed when ... Phillip drags me to the Executive Dining Hall to have lunch with him and I end up staring at the concierge
It makes me happy when ... I make someone happy
It upsets me when ... people prove me wrong :P
I keep a diary ... to write some poetry
I like to cook ... to experiment
I have a secret I have not shared with anyone ... None that I can recall
I'm in love ... with pecan pies
I set my watch a few minutes ahead ... to wake up for lectures, never works ofcourse!
I bite my fingernails ... when I'm restless
I believe in love ... at first sight? Absolutely not.
The weirdest person I know is ... myself.
The loudest person i know is ... Manu Menon
The person that knows the most about me is ... Dibyayan Basu
The most boring teacher ... is always a woman
My most overused phrase on IM is ... "Well..."
My best feature is ... my straightforwardness when dealing with flirtarious strangers (according to Neil)
The best inside joke I can think of right now is ... uh...?
I take a shower ... at night sometimes
I'm crushing on ... Haha, ask Phillip.
I want to get married ... after 25
I am tattooed ... on someone's arm
I am pierced ... in my ears since the age of 7
I am a health freak ... beginning to...
Thunderstorms ... are worth catching on camera.

"Don't you think tomorrow has something wonderful in store for you?!", exclaimed my imaginary friend, as it poked me for the 16th time.
*incredulous look* "And how is tomorrow any special from any other day?", I replied, disinterested, but not necessarily uninterested.
"I feel something. You must go to management tomorrow.", he/she suggested. "Well, I was planning to, to begin with. I know I say that every Monday night, yet I am always late about 5 mins and never end up entering the lecture hall", I added, groaning. "Well, look out... something might happen", he/she said, leaving me wondering.

Well, nothing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious happened. I ended up not going to management, but reached Schulich at 11 nonetheless. Frankly, the only person I spoke more than 30 words with until 11:30 was Michael, and seeing him after so long certainly was good. However, today was relatively quite out of the ordinary. I successfully filed a tax return! Yippee! Haha, Abhijeet saw 5 forms in the hands of the girl and told her he had to go and sent her over to me. Turned out she had her T2202A from '03 and '04 and her tax return from '05 was really quite simple since she had 0 income. Well, atleast she got a $100 refund.

Then I treated myself with some popcorn chicken and ended up sitting in a chair for about 2.5 chairs, talking to Greg. Hilarity ensued. Soon enough Max joined, and then Leon. Time flew really. The best two hours I have spent in a while.

TV. Nap. TV. LJ... and Day's over. I rewatched "Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room". Uneventful. Now I must hit the books. Now I really must.

Poetry; nothing stands as surreal as sweet, perilous words dripping form honey-deprived lips. I hadn't read any for a while... a long while I must add, and tonight just in the middle of 'Domestic versus Foreign Bonds', I was reminded of a poem by Christina Rossetti- Promises like Pie-Crust. And I read, and I read on and on and on... and I came across 3 poems that I want to remind myself of time and again through the course of the next few decades, and thus, they are posted here. And they are:

Larry and I were chatting the other day, and while he complained of my slow reply rate, [Yeah, I forgot to add that in addition to him I was chatting with 5 other people, and that's one of the non-busy days these days] I was busy writing birthday cards for the two most favourite people in my life whose names have popped up too many times on my LJ. And for the umpteenth time... The Yarmos! Well, the point however is... I just realized my affinity to what we have conveniently come to call, "adding a personal touch". In times when 1st year students are busy researching for projects, cramming equations and formulae, subjecting their sore eyes to yet another chapter of Accounting, or putting up with a bossy group member [:P] like me who sends out emails every other minute [Now, if only you guys wouldn't keep extending your deadlines!], I realized that I devoted a lot of time... personalizing things. Whether it is spending an hour to pick a birthday card, or making an audio version of a birthday wish [my voice isn't all that bad actually], or capitalizing names even when chatting to someone online, or putting clear expressions between asteriks to enhance cyber communication... it's simply amazing all the energy and creativity I put in all of it.

Reminds me of something Mum often pointed out. Well, my Mum was a splendid gift-wrapper. She'd pick the prettiest and the most appropriate gift wrap and adorn the present with bows of all shapes, sizes and colours! She'd just contrive pull string bows or star bows in seconds, her adept fingers working with an assortment of ribbons. It was sheer pleasure to watch. So since I was about 7, I had always wanted to become as good a gift-wrapper as hers. I think I mastered some of it, although over the years of no gift-wrapping activity, I think she has lost her touch. Even to this day, I spend hours just making the perfect bow even for the tiniest of presents. It's not the present that matters. It's the presentation of the present that matters.

I have done some very crazy stuff for people when it comes to expressing through items, and out of the most basic of things... coloured paper, clay, shells, vegetables, wool, icecream sticks, buttons, tooth brushes, paint/crayons, thumb pins, string, aluminum foil, cotton, sponge, cans, egg shells, old perfume bottles, glitter, ribbon, and pretty much any damn tool I could find in Dad's toolkit. My current project has been lying in the basement for over a month, I can't wait for exams to come and go.

This education system of ours really inhibits expression through our creative talents. It's bad enough that people don't get enough physical contact [I urge everyone to hug and kiss a person a day!] but what fun is it if one can't be creative with emotions?!

A website I have been using for a while to get the smallest of sentiments across in a colorful way: Artpad! It really works wonders! I got Larry addicted. I got 15 paintings from him within the last hour.

*yawns* 

Mmm... slumber... cure for my fried brains. Time to savour 'em in my dreams now... [okay, I don't know what I am talking about]

Good night world!

Midterms are long over, and I daresay that they were probably the worst exams I have given in 14 years of schooling. [Yeah, I had to give exams even while I was in kindergarten]. Well, the overwhelming proof was in front of me at about 1:00 p.m. on Thursday, March 2. I guess the more important word in that sentence is overwhelming. Although I did not fail, [which, according to some people is the more important thing here] I was definitely taken aback. I was at least vying for something over a 60% in Macroeconomics, but I was left hanging, about 3% short of it. So there goes 15% of my Macro mark, which almost makes it next to impossible to get an A and I must add, extremely difficult to retain a B . So overwhelmed as I was, I deemed it necessary to step out of that class and alienate myself from a class with a 75% course average. Makes you feel all the more wonderful when you are 18% below the 'Average' and about 35% below the 'Excellent', doesn't it? Well, I guess it was all evident to me as soon as I stepped out of the class. Walk of shame I like to call it, that red carpeted hallway where I found my eyes drowning in salinity. And to make matters even more wonderful, 'Excellent', caring as it is, follows you out of the class... to see if I, 'Below Average' am okay. Okay? Sure I am okay! What, you thought I was upset? No, no... I'm fine, I'll manage really, thanks.

Was I okay? Did I manage? I don't think I was too sure of the answer at that time. So I called upon him who always manages to find a minute to hear me complain, and apparently this time, cry too. Heck! It's somewhat funny that you meet all sorts of people who want to say hi to you just at the time you have tears in your eyes and cannot meet their gaze. Well, a phone call and a few rounds around the campus and school and I finally stumbled upon Jason Y. It was utterly ridiculous, and I knew it was, but I couldn't help it. So there I was, amidst lockers. It wasn't much of sobs, or weeping really... just tears streaming down my eyes and words flowing out of my mouth, some ebb in both every now and then. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it. Hristo, the greatest management TA ever, who actually got a C in Macroeconomics, certainly made all the difference in the world. Mother got half the story out, she'll probably coax the other half out sometime too, I was laughing it off by then and she took it in light spirits too. I bet Dad's reaction would have been even better, I bet he got a worse mark in Economics 25 years ago. *grin* Life goes on, doesn't it? I mean... what the hell, it is just A mark.

I look back upon it and I wouldn't call it childish, not at all. It's ingrained in me... when I get psychologically shaken by a bad mark which counts for a bit, my stimulus to it is tears and I am perfectly fine with it. The last time I cried over a mark was Grade 8, failed Chemistry practicals... couldn't test for the white substance giving off a a certain gas. I remember the date May 16, 2002, how could I forget? [Oh, Grade 12 Biology could qualify too... although it was a different case, a different story.] Well, I didn't go crazy, I didn't lose my sanity, I didn't cry myself to sleep... what would I do without you Jason? :P

I liked the experience in a weird way. It all reminds me that I haven't thrown my sensitivity in oblivion. I still get scared by the tiniest of things. And it's good to know there are people I don't have to be tough around; but I still can't believe I cried! Well, in Michael's much-appreciated words here, I am a year younger so I am allowed to be a little more immature that others =]

Brilliant Idea! I am going to write a journal entry of each grade of my life...
I just realized how much I miss school in India... no, not peers/friends/teachers... the school!
It was huge... and beautiful... majestic red buildings and lush green grass and... and... really, it was quite another world.

So one grade per week... or maybe 1.5 terms per week [Gah! I remember in Grade 4 I think we had four terms instead of 3, will have to check report card]

Once these midterms are over... This shall be so much fun! Probably the only thing to look forward to!

Now back to raping research books and plundering global politics!

Belated Happy Birthday Purti Awal! Officially an adult now!
They tell me there is some sort of high that comes of stepping into the 18th year of life. I actually haven't come to terms with it; I still unconsciously hold my head high as a proud 17 year old. Birthday was quite good, especially the Korean Bbq. We seemed like a drunk family of four, hysterically laughing at 52 dishes on the table and Mum's silly Tim Hortons' stories. Got quit a big share of b'day wishes, some even managed to surprise me-- Email from Azim and Kathy, E-card from Jason, Phone call and present from Kiarash, E-flowers from Suad [Thou art the greatest], Text msg from Dean, loads and loads of Facebook wishes... and Sagar's call in the morning which I missed. But later on, talking to him was deeply satisfying at the end of the day even though I had to pull him out of the class. Course, there are always people who relentlessly disappoint me [maybe I need re-think my priorities]

It was sad too though. Grandmum calling to wish me in the morning, but when 8 hours later, I returned her call... she didn't remember. We talked for 10 minutes and nothing, and then I came to know that she was really worried about Granddad's health. Mum told her later on and she felt so bad... I felt so bad that she felt bad. That's not what bothered me though... what bothered me was my Granddad's voice, his coughs, his wise words, his pride [of me], his blessings that he bestowed upon me... and what did I do? Speechless drama and finally muttered broken thankyous? And now I find myself divulged in incessant wishes... I hope those weren't his last words to me. I just hope.

Worried? Yes, I am worried. Not too good at showing it I guess is my bale... I just don't want to end up living life in regret... and it doesn't help that I had a grandparent that I never got a chance to explain things to when she bid her goodbyes to us... *sigh* It's all good as long as it's all locked up inside... I don't know what kind of response I would give... will be expected to give.. or how I'll react.. or how I'll cope... when the time comes. I just don't want it to come. Do all good things have to come to an end?

I remember there was a time... when I was young... when I once made a letterhead and Mum suggested I use it to write a letter to my maternal grandparents... it's the only letter I have written to anyone that got mailed and brought great joy to someone. Always the most favourite of all grandchildren because I was the first... apple of everyone's eye, even though I lived in a city far away from them. I remember complaining to Mum every summer that we always went to Delhi to see our grandparents and cousins and relatives... it was loads of fun... but I never got around to see too many of other places! I wondered sometimes at that time why I had changed... or whether I had changed for the better... I was no longer the kid who'd fling her arms around someone and peck them or openly express love... you know how kids are so lovable? [like the one who keep kissing you] I guess I wasn't a kid anymore. I guess it was age... or adolescence. But how do you tell someone who makes all sorts of sacrifices to make you happy, who goes out of the way just to get you what you want to eat, who is ready to take you our for dinner and icecream every night even if it's a little unaffordable, who teaches you to say your first English word, who gives up their pillow just so that you can have two and can sleep well [there were always fights over pillows when all our cousins used to gather at my grandparents... 8 adults, 6 kids and a lot of noise and fun; craziness] who always made sure you got a birthday present even if it was 6 months later, who sewed all the beautiful sweaters you ever owned even when her fingers hurt, who would take you for long walks in park and answer all your pestering questions about trees, birds, world, people, crocodiles, babies, cities, countries and what not, who never ceased to amazed you with his impeccable white attire and shining shoes and polished habits, who gave you a really good book in present that you never ended up reading, who was reasonable enough to favour you over your younger brother, whose joy knew no bounds when you gave them a summary of your grades, who would call school trips where I did lots of what I wasn't supposed to do as "educational", who cared for you regardless of all the idiotic and annoying things you did, who never complained no matter how many times you inconvenienced them, whose affection never fell short, who loved you for who you were... and my bale... whom I was never able to tell how much they meant to me.

I have not felt this weak for a long while now. I have never cried on a birthday before. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what will happen. I just don't know.

Sighing, hours before February 14 upon the tragedy that I really won't be remembered as much on Valentine's as I have been in the last... 6 years.

Little did I know, how "loved" I really am. Within 2.5 hours, I already had 13 people that had wished me. Surprising, but I managed to swallow it. And as tradition follows, I shall now announce the winner! The first person to wish me Happy Valentine's Day [on V-Day; some people cheated and wished me before; that would be Dean and Jenny (15 mins and 0.5 days before)] was... [oh my, this guy's name has been raping my journal] Larry Brenna, followed seconds later by Jason Yarmolinsky and Kiarash Bagher. So tada!

What I did on Valentine's was quite another story. Since I only had 3 hours of sleep before, I had to cancel plans [non-Valentine plans with Dean] I went to work for the usual, 6:30 a.m.-3:00 p.m., slept during the 40 min car ride, 4 mins after I stepped inside my home, I was fast asleep in my bed till about 11 p.m. LOL. The last hour of the day was as unproductive as ever. Oh well.

Mum did something really cute. I came home and found that there were hershey kisses on my laptop, one on each key =] And not only that, I slept among chocolates! I discovered about 6 under each pillow. =]] I'm set for a week or so for my chocolate quota!

Valentine wishes I wasn't expecting: 6
Valentine wishes I was expecting but didn't come: 2 [Gah, Sagar always makes it a combined birthday-valentine phone call]

Non-Valentine Highlight of the Day: Rohan Mehra found me on hi5 [son of Mum's old colleague], someone I hadn't spoken to for about 7-8 years, and he is in Australia now.
Wow. It's weird that when we knew each other, we hardly ever talked, met only at a few birthday parties [Gah! Life was fun when I was 9-10, whee for birthday parties] Now we have reason to converse and bond.

That's enough for February 14! My reading week is very unproductive as far as school work is concerned. I am actually beginning to worry now, maybe I'll take a day or two off from work.
Not looking forward to a lot of essay writing and reading. Dum dee dum dee doo...

It's amazing how hyper one can be at 8:00 a.m. in the morning. *gets back to her 479 folder*

I've been in some sort of tranquil state for the past few days. I guess it fermented from some luck of sheer bliss on January 31, 2006 between 12:35 p.m. to 3:05 p.m., not so much luck, but disguised obligation. Not a care in the world, not so much thinking other than the 'kinda dead' lie. Black words scribbled on la mano... not meant to mean anything, while I'm more than ready to believe otherwise.

I'll kiss the hand that convinces me that I'm delusional.
All this is just a non-existant, virtual extension of reality, just a figment of my imagination that exacerbates the rivalry between my head and my heart? Right? Isn't it?

I've found myself looking for all sorts of opportunities to sleep; just to be able to dream. Apart from fleeting temporary bursts of irritation incited from a certain brother of mine, I have often found myself smiling for no apparent reason. Apparent, that is. But as these reasons become more apparent to me in the coming months, I wonder if I'll say anything this time. No, not me. Not this time too.

Well, now for what has been pushed in the background in the "chaos" of the above mentioned. I am leaving for Montreal in about 31.5 hours. If anyone who knows me well, knows that I never get excited about trips, so I'll just wait and see what comes my way. I am going to best stay away from much alcohol and tear the dance floor on Saturday night. Also, bother Handy a lot who I think will be bringing one of his books along. Fantastic Four. Lol, that's what we named our team of first-years. It's going to be a great trip, and I know that.

Suffice to say, no one will be missed. I wish I was a better liar but there's no harm in trying.

Also, February has decided not to give me time to breathe. Yippee in some ways because I'll be working at my Dad's company again from Feb 10 - Feb 17 and following Fridays from there on until I create an online database of every goddamn folder in that 1.25m x 1.5m x 2.0m folder cabinet. Well, that'll be some good money in addition to the not-so-handsome amount I make tutouring from whatever meagre hours I tutour for. One major Spanish test coming up with extra cheese! I'll just have to pack it all in on Monday and Tuesday nights of Feb 6 and 7 along with the bzllion other things I have to do before Feb 8, 2006. Might as well get a head start on that now at this hour. More updates on Spanish: Natasha (friend from Spanish) and I have decided to write each other weekly emails in Spanish, hopefully, that'll help my Spanish get somewhere.

Passport renewal trip to Davisville tomorrow. I will finally not have to show around that 10-year old picture of me (I was 7 in the picture) which usually gets an "Aww... that is so cute" response from most people. Tomorrow shall be another day. Hearty good lucks to those that have an Accounting midterm in a little less than 13 hours.

Adios todo el mundo.

And January is drawing to an end... The longest month I have lived in my life.

Time didn't fly by. It crawled, from high GPAs (Yes! 8.3! w00t!) to Accounting lectures I am not supposed to attend (Pascal rocks!), from DEX awards (Yippee, first time and 2 medals. 2nd for HMM Written and 3rd for MDHR) to sending birthday gifts from Chapters (That lost Indigo purchase was such a nightmare), from entertaining/playing with kids till 4 a.m. (haha, Frank the horse) to Insider articles on oil (Black Gold darling! Alberta's rocking the world), from skipping my first Politics lecture of the term (what?! I was tired) to attending a full Politics lecture of the term (Yeah, I guess miracles happen), from shopping for bras and business suits (I am sorry Mum, but everytime we go shopping for me, we always end up buying clothes for you) to making heads turn (I still don't believe you Dean Simon), yes, January has certainly crawled.

Things I'd like to change about today:
The last thing I said to my best friend was 'I don't really care, going to call it an early night, good night' That was 11:32 p.m. 3 hours later, I still haven't slept.

Things I'd not want to change about today:
Eating a whole goddamn orange

JASON YARMOLINSKY has done me a GREAT favour and has continued the LJ entry for me since I have no energy to go on. Apparently, it's on a 'higher' spiritual plane. Yeah, rather optimistic for me, but it's quite... well, here it is. And I swear Jason made that part up about forgetting my b'day. And I don't know why Reading Week appears twice.

What will February bring? With only 28 days this year, it already appears to be packed. Jason just reminded me that my birthday is coming up! LOL I completely forgot. All of this damn Macro is making me forget even the simplest of memories. Don’t even ask about what happened with the rice today. Well you can ask, I just won’t tell you!

Okay so lets see. February brings:
a) My birthday
b) Reading week
c) Valentine’s Day
d) Reading Week
e) A multitude of Macro, MGMT, OB, and Spanish…Dios Mios!

The worst part of all is that my Birthday falls during reading week. I wouldn’t even mind so much, but the amount of work I have staring at me is going to have to be part of my birthday celebrations!

I look upon an Ocean Blue
Just waiting for a call
And out amongst the hanging dew
Time wouldn’t start or end or stall.


Jason wrote a poem! Whoa. And a good one too =P
I'm so proud of you! If you never end up anywhere in the business world, we'll publish a poetry book together. Hits the stalls and New York Best Seller! Ooh yeah!

Well, I guess that's it for now. Adios.

Thought this night would turn out to be me tossed in my bed, trying hard to pay attention to Pulp Fiction, unsettled... worried.
Well...

Apparently, tonight's been the most PG-14 fun I've had in a while. Transformed my room into a night club... blasted music, the music I grew up hearing in clubs, dance parties... Good old 90s. And I can't keep my feet on the ground...
Rolling on my bed... I love the feel of cold linen against my skin.
Lighted streets, tall windows, the man I can see across the street smoking a cigarette.
There's so much life at 3 a.m. I hope they never come back.
I could live on apple pies.

I want icecubes. Under scorching heat or tepid temperatures, licking on cool, crystalline cubes. I want to bathe under the Chicago sun. I want to watch the Australian open. I want Mum to take me to long drives with blaring music at a speed of 140 km/hr. I want that motorcycle ride again amidst neon lights, winds blowing through my hair. I want sweet dreams

I have a good feeling about next month. Until DECA, until Montreal, until Valentines, until my birthday, until lots of what I'll love and kill someone for, until lots of essay writing, midterms and spanish, until February draws to an end. The best time of the year is close by...
The best time in a while...

*turns up the music*

A packed day it certainly was, until around 11 p.m. I am too tired to get into that right now, however, there's something I have been wanting to do for a long while now.

She- Part 2. The only poem ever written for me. I highly doubt there will ever be any other. [Unless Sagar has turned into a poet writhing in pain from separation in the last 3 years]. Well, here it is, posted.

SHE Part 2

I wouldn't be doing the poem justice to this point if I don't post SHE- Part 1- Love song for no one [which I always thought was better than Part 2]. However, all copyrights being reserved to Dibyayan Basu, I was not allowed to post Part 1. Grr. I guess it'll be published somewhere, someday, sometime.

Long work day today. 6:30 a.m.-5:30 p.m.
Well, I didn't work all of it, 40 minute break or so... and a few trips to the cafetaria for coffee.
Stu & Colleen on 97.3. Whoa, I've practically lived out all my mornings in the last 1 month listening to them.
It'll be kind of sad to leave work... before I come back in February for a week or so.

I am quite alive. Breathing fire actually.
Humming the same song for the last 3 hours. Went to the old neighbourhood and coincidently that song came on...I'm falling in love with it.

I step off the train, I'm walking down your street again and past your door
But you don't live there any more, It's years since you've been there
But now you've disappeared somewhere like outer space, You've found some better place
And I miss you - like the deserts miss the rain
Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
And I can almost hear you shout down to me
Where I always used to be
And I miss you - like the deserts miss the rain
Back on the train
I ask why did I come again?
Can I confess I've been hanging around your old address?
The years have proved to offer nothing since you moved
You're long gone, But I can't move on
And I miss you - like the deserts miss the rain...

School's started! Yippee!
I can finally get back to routine, not to exclude sleeping in and getting late to classes.
What a "hallmark" [*ahem* Larry *ahem*] way to start classes! Woke up at 7:30, turned the alarm off and went back to sleep. Woke up again, only this time, at 8:15. Class at 8:30. Reached around 9 a.m. so I was only half hour late. No worries! At least I attended the Politics lecture. I intend to skip less Politics lectures this term, not that I ever intentionally skipped them... merely slept in.

Well well... what do you know. I got a 90 on my Politics exam. SCORE! I was mildly surprised and had to read the name on the booklet about 2 times to believe I had actually got a 90. I remember coming from the Management exam and settling around 11 p.m. to look over the essay questions. After reading the theory charts and scribbling side notes for about an hour, I pretty much dozed off. Early morning studying plans? Well, didn't seem to work out so well. Woke up at 7:30, managed to memorize some short answers, looked over my notes once and I was dozing off again around 9 a.m. Woke up at 1:30! Exam in half hour and I was a mess. Panic. Almost missed the exam. I remember walking on the muddy road for the snow was too thick on the pavement with a bunch of papers in hand that were flying all over. Frankly speaking, I only really studied for it in that 15 minute walk to the gym where the exam was going to be held.

Lo behold! I guess, Phillip's words ring true... "If you can write well, you can fool them" Well, I am quite blissfully happy about that but I plan to be a better student this year. Estuve muy aburrido hoy en espanol! Kept asking the time, and there was this one time I said "Que hora es?" a little too loud which was followed by Profesora Wagman's laugh. She kept catching me while I was talking today and in her Wagman style frown told us that "Well... almost everyone passed" upon being asked about out performance. She's had me a bit worried now...
but to hell with it! I am striding about my room in a delirium of joy... a little hungry, but mostly happy.

Good luck to those that still have exams. "Crazy partying then? Not so much. I am just going to enjoy a change of pace"
Adios!

I just feel like writing.

Under shadows of blue, glazed with the notorious red, I found myself walking on that icy path leading to nowhere really. Red and white buses, I shivered as I walked through the popular transit hub. Rushing through the euphoric 15 minute walk to home when I could usually dwelled upon the randomness of the day. As I passed that grey concrete building, I found you deep into conversation with 2 other guys, walking the other way. I think our shoulders brushed. Too engrossed to notice. Shall I be harsh on you this one time? Shall I bring it up?
I know you, yet I don't. Why should I go as far as calling us good friends? A mere exchange of nothing that mattered, not necessarly meaningless, but pointless.

There was too much uncertainty down that path. Keep distance she warned me. She is right. So the next time our paths cross, I won't think about it. Because it doesn't matter. It hasn't started to atleast. And why should it even begin to? Who are you to me anyways? I wouldn't go as far as calling us good friends. I wouldn't.

Would I?

On a more 'back to reality' note: Happy New Year ya'll!

Exams were done a week ago; break finally! [I got too lazy to update before] Can't wait till the marks come in. It's funny how quickly the term finished and now I have 3 new courses to adjust to, and buy books for; oh that just never ends.

In other news, I am working at Dad's company for the break, and hopefully Fridays when school starts. It's fun especially waking up at 5:30 and working till about 4 p.m. 9.5-10 hours of work everyday of which I NEVER get bored of. Entertain myself by all the different seasoning names and their specifications and graphs and their analyses and figuring things out and entering data. Lots of coffee and lots of food. I'm still tutoring twice a week, although the next session won't be until 2006.

In other news, Larry asked me out. I kind of knew it was coming and I had made up my mind not to make the same mistake over and over again. I am tired of losing good friends by making them boyfriends. Relationships are so much more sensitive to damage than friendships and even though in the end, I still like all of the men I have been in relationships with, still keep in touch, still... well, things aren't the same. Some I stop talking to for various reasons, some I talk to occassionally, some I talk to frequently and cherish the memories together, some I talk to frequently and share that bond of pain and for some I have become the gold ol' samaritan, their best girlfriend advisor. The friendship, however, loses its personal touch. I am tired of putting energy into identifying and making best friends who turn into boyfriends and then put even more effort in the relationship, which over the due course of time has a notorious way of ending up in closed boxes. Hail Sagar who stuck with me for 3 years and still would have if we hadn't been 5000 miles away, and hail some of the others for trying so hard and hail me for being a great girlfriend most of the times. So Larry understood the reason which I utterly respect and appreciate him for and we can continue our friendship with the usual splurges of flirtarious behaviour. Maybe I should try looking for better female friends.

In other news, I miss the Yarmolinsky twins terribly. And that fact that they are enjoying under the Florida sun while I have become half numb by the cold winter doesn't help. What a frigid whore! But MSN'ing isn't the same without them around; Jason's stupid Bush picture and the detested fat man in Michael's picture. Heck, even talking to Dror isn't the same without sharing his jokes with Jason lol. Coming drunk/tipsy from parties and not have Jason lecture me about water being my friend and not have Michael tell me that I seem more human when I type under the influence of alcohol. A lot of other things, a lot. Ugh, I hope they come back soon.

In other news, my Christmas wishlist has 0 things on it. Now I seriously wish Mum would stop bothering me about what I want for Christmas. I really don't need anything. Clothes? Yeah, sure. Those are never enough. I think I'll be needing a second closet soon.

In other news, I should get back to work... 8 a.m, time for a coffee refill! Hazelnut Vanilla mmm... which also reminds me I'll become a coffee addict over the break...

To the ostrich in my bathtub! Cheers!

Came fairly close... [Just finding excuses to waste time]