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I feel in luminous

So somehow, an insanely long time after my last update, I find myself back here with four cheese strings, six coconut macaroons , a wheel of garlic and chive cheese, a very disappointing camomile tea and a heart that is bursting all over the keyboard while the door is shut to the boyfriend. I’ve been staring at my diary at least once a week now every feeling like I can’t bear to write in it although that’s the very thing that I want most. It’s not that I don’t know what I want to write about. But I’m not ready. So, I’m going to write around it. Just like I always did...not... ;).

It is with some irony I find myself back on my original Livejournal blog. My more recent blog, over on Blogger, has been spirited away from me. Neither my password nor my email address is recognised so I can only read my entries. That’s the kind of thing makes me feel like a twat. A position where I can only voyeur on myself. I find reading back through my LJ entries a mixture of so many emotions, I cringe, then I laugh and sometimes I even think fondly about how naive I was and perhaps still am in many ways. I can’t help but wish I’d cared less about many things. With that in mind, I hope I can also look back at this entry with the same feelings.

When I was younger and had things troubling me even if small I would do something about it. Take a walk, ride my bike, long phone calls, write it all down or have a good old cry while doing any of the above. Now I just draw a breath and do nothing much about it. Perhaps I sigh and play a game on my phone. Maybe I go to the shop and think about all the preservatives in food and wonder when it’s all going to run out. All the negative feelings go down some hole and I have no idea how deep or strong it is. My thinking being that it’ll all eventually melt into nothing with time. It’s not ideal. I want to face things better. I know sitting in a small windowless room typing unplanned sentences isn't completely great but it’s oddly comforting. Even if I am trying to avoid a call from my parents. Why has it become so difficult to reach out to friends? Perhaps I just feel guilty that they all have their own stuff too.

Last year I spent a lot of effort on my job, and didn't really socialise much. I pulled everything up inside of myself and applied it at work. This year I've relaxed a bit and spent more effort on socialising, but it's only really in the last couple of months things are becoming more exciting. It's been thoroughly exhausting but finally, finally I am becoming a bit happier. Recently I had a disappointing experience to think I'd found some friends recently to then learn they're not who I were expecting. Even more disappointing to learn that because so many people here have friends I'm always the one making plans, chasing them only to see everything fall apart and I'm staying in Friday and Saturday worrying that I was bad at my job and too socially awkward to make friends. I think things are getting better. It's not something I know for sure, but more and more nice people are walking into my life. I suppose some will stay, and some won't.

No, this isn't really an entry about any of the things I've wrote about, but it's a start. I know I want to talk.

P.S it's so incredibly cool that my first entry here was 10 years ago!!!

Something from last year...!

My belly’s full of coffee
I’m starting to feel kinda sleepy
But If I doze off
R u gonna leave me

You say u like indie
But u don’t like the new me
I don’t know these bands
They push me across coffee shop lands with
Hauntingly bland sounds

You wanna turn out the fairy lights?
Wanna Fade in the dark?
What a lark
Hark.
You don’t know the top 40
But you say you adore me
Ignore me
Ignore me
Ignore me
Stop
This must be some flaw
A glitch that will thaw
Only with human awe
The seaside

I found myself at the beach with my co-teachers today 

We dug for crabs, no mercy
We kicked the water about
We talk in English and Korean and I’m proud
Coz it doesn’t feel awkward for me even though there is 0% understanding going on
We ate and ate
We walked in a huge field of sunflowers
I was smiling and talking with my current company but secretly I was
Wondering if you’d laugh at the way my sandals kept falling off

We sipped coffee on a resutraunt patio to watch the sunset,
But I wanted to be making angel wings in the wet sand
I wanted to be wet and dirty at the beach

something

Butterfly culture

What do you think in your cocoon?
Do you meditate to meet with all the gods when you are
Curled up so tightly?
What do you think then there are
Cheeky children picking you like a grape and dissecting you in the sun?
What do us humans look like to you from your modest abode?
Do we perplex you? I’m sure you think more complicated stuff than me.
When do your wings form?
Does it hurt you when they burst through your body?
Are you pleased by the beauty?
Maybe you sleep through the process
dreaming so safe.
But what do you dream about?
How do you know when it’s time to leave your cocoon?
And when you break free, how do you know where to go?
Are you as filled with as many questions as i?
Flap those wings in the air

Out of my league?

So i did it, i fianlly too my finger out of my arse and enterd one story in one competiotn. i wrote three like i said but i just want to see with one for the time beeing, i dunno why. mabye coz it cost me like 7 pounds to enter and coz i am so busy they took me so long to write i got a bit scared.

i dont think i will win, its not that but i just want the feedback. yeah i cant spell and i cant punctuate but if they just say - i liked what you wrote i will be so happy with that.

Curious

いつも光を探してる。always trying to find the lighter places.

Dec. 18th, 2009

Ahhhh i overslept and missed class today, what a nightmare...! xxx

hmmm what to write about though? i neeed inspiration, but my mp3 player, as my main source of inspiration has broken...! xxx

Hisashiburi LJ.

I need to write. Its been too long and I want to start entering short story competitions, I think im good at writing, so lets see what other people think.

don't want to go home :(

Yay! I got a 2.1 on my first Asia Pacific essay!!! And did ok on a presentation on Captian Matthew Perrys landing in Japan xxx
Hey guys, thanks for wishing me a happy brithday and stuff - none of you have to get me anything by the way, you're probably already spent a foutune paying for me when i'm skint :)! thanks!