from the tip of your spine to the peak

late august

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 17:47:49 GMT

some nights, i watch you sleep. i watch you as if our bed is a desert of hot white sand and you are a cool fountain lying impossibly in front of me. i watch, afraid to reach out, afraid you'll shimmer and evaporate between my fingers, and i'll be left with only broken memories of what i had before i had you.

on bad days, when medication fails to quiet my fear and rage, i'll yell and swear and push you away. i feel lost here, as numb as a ghost, doomed to walk and sit and eat and suffer in silence, for all eternity. you'll ask what's wrong, but it's like my mouth has been sewn shut with invisible thread, and you just get mad when i shake my head nothing. all optimism flees my body--i've flown too close to the happy sun you made for me. my wax wings melt and i fall, fast and quick, into lake ontario.

sometimes, i'm sad and i don't know why. sobs rip themselves from my chest like angry birds and i shake and can't breathe. everything gets soaked in tears and i look at you in the dark like a wary animal, to see what you'll do. you don't leave me, alone like the other one did. you cradle me in your arms like i am frightened child, and really, that is what i am. a frightened, difficult, impossible child. but you are patient and loving. your water pool eyes look down at me, and i feel safe.

you are warm and comfortable and i feel like i fit, like i belong to you. and i do. your arm across my cool bare skin as you sleep. how the tight muscles of your back feel under my hands. the flowers surreptitiously picked and arranged on my dresser. you play with me, make me laugh, protect me. we talk about the future and for once it's more solid. you tell me how much you love me and i know you mean it, and i mean it, too.

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Fri, 09 May 2008 01:36:00 GMT

i have an amazing boy and i want to marry him

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 01:56:00 GMT

i wonder when exactly that moment is, where you go from loving someone, to not loving them anymore.

i'm starting over. today i talked to a friend that i had lost, i'm moving into my new apartment on friday, and i think i'm falling out of love, for once.

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 06:59:52 GMT

i feel like throwing my hands in the air and taking off

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 17:34:21 GMT

oh yes it is a bad idea, oh yes i know exactly what i am doing and it is what i shouldn't be doing. but his mouth felt like it used to, his hands felt like they used to.

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 05:50:52 GMT

i hate my job, i need to get a life

going nowhere

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 02:28:55 GMT

i've smoked so much my lips are burning. i'm tired of being let down. i'm tired of sleeping alone, i'm tired of sleeping, of being borderline healthy. i want to go back to when i was skinny and half-dead and didn't love anything, when i didn't give a fuck about bullshit like this.

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 02:33:23 GMT

green

once,

there was a car,
there were nights,
and freedom,
and a lot of other things.
i was the girl
that everybody knew
but no one knew anything about.
i lived in the dark,
and i never stopped moving.

but then, there was you.
you caught me,
with your fast talk
and faster hands.
you broke into my heart
and i brought you into my bed
where i could finally sleep--
my body curved against yours,
my fingers spread like webs
across your skin.
i smiled and laughed
and you were the love of my life—
you wrote once, backwards on my skin
that i was beautiful, and if i let you
you could change my life forever.
i learned how to trust you,
how to stop running away.

now, there is only a ghost of you,
haunting my bed when i wake up in the night.
i’m left holding doubts, going over memories
like so many stones i worry smooth
in my scarred and ugly hands,
wondering where you are,
missing your voice.

once, we stood together in the cold winter
but one of us fell behind
and now, there is only the color green

still no internet at apt. 3

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 04:34:13 GMT

i am currently stoking myself up for re-entry into society. i want to stop worrying about money, i want to have a car again, i want my hair to grow back out, i want to weigh 99 lbs like i did, i want to start running again, i want to finish my book

(only it's hard to finish writing a book about him when i've finished loving him now, or have i? really i probably am still in love with him. really i am still in love with him and it's dominating my day-to-day life)

no money, nobody in my bed, short hair, i can't run five miles anymore i can only work 9 to 5 and then sit around, i'm tired of this shit

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 02:22:41 GMT

i am so busy i cant stop to think, i am writing a book and stuff

i'm irreplaceable, just so you know

i'll crawl out of the woodwork sometime soon and let you know, i don't have internet at apartment three and you're not invited there,.

im sitting downtown with david and im seeing things that arent really there...

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 15:03:39 GMT

the boots im wearing leave my feet cold, but

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Sat, 15 Dec 2007 05:15:48 GMT

i would love it if sergio's office was not non-smoking. it's past midnight on a friday and this town is still as dead as on a monday morning, and i am still in love with him despite all he's done to me. i hate him, but i love him. i think it's only because my heart just wants to love anyone, and he's the only thing that's gotten close enough. i dont want to love him, i'd rather forget he ever existed because i'm just in love with a ghost. he isn't who he used to be, and i just love who he used to be, not who he is. i want to go on dates, i want to curl up in bed and watch a movie, i want to laugh with my head tossed back and get flowers and make breakfast for someone. i want to hold hands walking down the street, i want someone to watch me paint, i want someone to watch and smile at.

falling in love with ghosts

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 00:28:07 GMT

i don't have the internet in my apartment. i love my apartment. bad things happen to good people. i am amazing, why did you leave? i am amazing why do you not all chase me around? okay, my life is emptied out, i am tired of chasing the past, i am tired of loving ghosts. come find me please. eighteen, female, artist, loves fiercely, will do anything to see you smile, wants to be happy but not bored, is up for anything, is wild and truly crazy but mostly in a good way. i don't want this to break me. i don't want to lose faith, i don't want to give up on trust. i don't want to fall down and stay down. i want to trust someone, i want to love again even if my first try burned me. i want to have a life. i don't want my old life back, i wasn't happy with it. i don't want to have to settle for what i can get. i want more, i'll always want more because nothing is enough. i want to chase destiny again. i want to pursue bliss. i want to see faces and know hearts again. i don't want to be alone, i'm not scared but i already know myself and i don't want to waste time when i could be learning and growing and finding beautiful moments. and i know not everyone sees life the way i do. but if there's anyone, do you feel unsatisfied? if it's not enough, find me because i can't find you.

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 19:02:14 GMT

i have never felt so much pain before in my life, i didn't know a heart was capable of hurting as badly as mine does. i am so lost because he took away my purpose, my reason for getting better, my reason for getting out. he took away what i was living for and i don't see a point anymore, i just don't.

combat, fury

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 16:44:15 GMT

i am very sick of tiptoeing around and trying to please everyone. hello do you all really honestly expect me to read minds and make the whole world happy all at once? i think it's ridiculous that i'm supposed to jump through hoops and play games. listen, fuck this shit, i don't have time to waste! what happens if i decide to be an unapologetic asshole for no reason? what happens if i decide to never reveal what i'm actually thinking? no one would expect that because i devote my entire existence to making everyone else happy because i'm crazy, but it looks like i just got crazy enough to realize i can think about and take care of myself first. the world will not come crashing down. they can make their own sandwiches and be their own moral support. i never have to explain myself to anyone ever again. go ahead, disagree. right and wrong don't matter if you're happy.

magnetic poetry i put on the fridge, nov. 7

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 23:11:17 GMT

this is my new way to exercise my creativity when i have no inspiration, two big containers of magnetic words, rearrange rearrange rearrange.

i fall for my boy
he is warm honey
remember on the lake
i met weak water
little drunk trips
i shot up true love
listened to you laugh
frantic black
give in
will you tell me to go?
no stay i could soar
keep me safe
still late need a love hit
void
only
you
you
you

[never
believe
a child
fight
his trust
heart
give
take
leave
gone]

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 18:19:49 GMT

hi, lost my mind, tomorrow being admitted to acadia for severe bipolar disorder and anxiety. just to get ahead of the rumors.

how can i find my way when i don't know where i'm going?

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 16:35:44 GMT

i am faced often with this realization: things are perfect, they are amazing, my best friend is this amazing person and i am in love and i am surrounded by these beautiful, amazing people, and the only word that can describe things is "amazing" and our lives are so full with experiences that are so important, that change us and make us into better, stronger people. i stand there in a parking lot in the middle of the night surrounded by the people i love, and i feel like that is happiness despite all the bullshit we've gone through. but what i realize is, even though now i opened my eyes in a positive way, and look at everything and see something worth fighting for, see a life that i can appreciate and never stop appreciating in a thousand new ways... even though life is beautiful, i feel broken in this small, easily overlooked way that doesn't always hurt. a way that i forget about a lot, but because i forget it has the potential to break more, maybe somehow be the cause of everything crashing down around me, become the cause of my downfall.

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 21:39:51 GMT

some people think i'm a piece of shit. and i probably am. but honestly, my life is more outrageous and fun than yours.

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 07:24:13 GMT

i like where i am, i like where we're going and the fact that we aren't alone, but now and then i still get struck by a small wish that i had gone to new york when i planned on it.

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 02:45:49 GMT

i'm suddenly the lovestruck girl i always made fun of. first night sleeping alone in ages, what do i do? wear his shirt. i eat junk food now. i sleep in past 2 if i can get away with it. i spit, a lot. my best friend and i are wild wolves that accidentally let ourselves become domesticated. lap dogs, but... we still have teeth, even if we're not using them. most of the art i do is either on his back or illegal. our favorite pastime is driving around and singing, entire cars full of us. i have a lot of friends that actually visit. i'm getting a real apartment soon. i don't mind not showering and i cut my hair off. i use the phrase "my boyfriend". i am really, overwhelmingly, obnoxiously happy for what feels like the first time. "if the me of a year ago saw me now, she'd try to kick my ass and fail miserably".

this is the strangest thing, though, loving someone. i feel ridiculous admitting it.

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 01:20:27 GMT

i never knew how amazing it would be to wake up to what i have now, to put trust in heartbeats and looking into someone's eyes.

i am not a poet

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Sat, 20 Oct 2007 00:48:50 GMT

we ran for hundreds of miles in the same direction,
but the truth of our difference was:
you wanted to break so someone would see.
you wanted to be fixed.
but i really meant it when i said destruction
and my iron resolve is stronger than you'll ever understand
because you never broke like you thought you did.
what you see as failure is really the success you chased
and your misjudgments prove that you never knew
where this path is really meant to end up.
you'll never reach the shores of freedom,
because you were only looking for concern
across the dinner table.

goodbye buick

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 15:53:02 GMT

a few days ago i dropped my car off at the mechanic, because i haven't fixed any of the severe damage it's accrued over the past three years, and since i had to illegally obtain an inspection sticker last year i was positive it wasn't going to pass a legitimate inspection now.

hold on, i have to pause and point out the fact that yes, i get severely attached to objects. so having my car gone for a few days was a really serious horrible thing, i had separation anxiety hardcore.

anyways, so i missed my car for a few days, then called the shop to see when it would be done. and what do they tell me? my car is beyond repair, there are too many safety hazards, it will never be road safe, basically it is "totaled without accident" and i will never be able to drive it (legally) ever again. okay, it's stupid, but i actually IMMEDIATELY started crying because one, i was NOT expecting to hear that, and two, what the fuck! my car! i took it there to be fixed, not to be judged and deemed worthless! i fucking cried.

only the people who have been in the car with me know how traumatic this is. one of my friends actually just totaled his car and it was no big deal. but despite how shitty the buick was, it is the only thing i could ever picture myself in. it is MY car, inside and out. its not just how i got from place to place, it had three years of meaning and memories in it. now, it's been more or less RIPPED away from me. i was not prepared for this at ALL!

the front bumper is missing from the first "accident" i got in, when i hit a rock wall like a lunatic. the entire interior of the car is covered in graffiti from me, my friends, the random people that showed up. i've had sex in that car. my best friend has had sex in that car. there's no cupholders. it's always messy. there's a crow spraypainted on the trunk. we got fucked over in that car. we also spent endless nights driving around in it, figuring life out, being happy. so many tradition fridays where we'd pick up strangers and trap them in our mobile confessional. it was this secret magic no-mans-land, where you could say anything as long as you were in the buick and no one would repeat anything, and no one could hear you, and it was okay to just let loose. we used to cut class and run to where i'd illegally park it for the cigarette breaks that really were what kept us from dropping out senior year. the shocks went eventually, so it started sounding like we had a body thumping around in the trunk. when the brakes started screaming, mikaela began hearing it everywhere, in her dreams... the car calling us to it! i lived out of that car for most of my summer. i could pack up my entire life in under 20 minutes and fit it in the huge back seat, as long as the futon mattress was on the hood and we held onto it for dear life. we could fit ten people if we tried. it took us on roadtrips--the portland trip that marked the beginning of my friendship with mikaela. the most important changes of my life subtly occurred while i was driving that car. the bench seats, i still believe those are the most comfortable seats in the world. dancing on the hood. screaming when we finally got to the car and couldn't hold it in anymore. its insatiable hunger for all of our lighters. picking mikaela up for school before she got her own car. leo taking a six hour nap in the front seat while i was at work. backing into the ditch once. trying to teach a friend how to drive and having her crash into the only snowbank in the parking lot. so many things happened in that car. hours spent parked in a good spot, just talking. friends. family. home. in a buick century.

I NEVER FIGURED OUT HOW TO PARALLEL PARK. that car saw me cry more than most of my friends have. it was escape, it was freedom, it was a place to get out even if i was just sitting in the driveway. it was calming down when i'm really upset, driving to cool off or driving and intentionally listening to sad songs so i could pull over and sob into the steering wheel. the buick was always just THERE, with the leak in the passenger side, with everything falling apart, it still was just there, like an unspoken agreement that if things ever got really REALLY bad, i could still go no matter how beat up it was. it was always the one place we could get away from everyone, the one place where no one and nothing else mattered and we could just live. it was mine. its part of me. i really cant comprehend the idea of not being able to drive it anymore. whatever takes its place will never measure up, that is a big space to fill.

it sounds ridiculous, to get torn up about a car. but its not just a car, its a representation of my past and it is a giant piece of my everyday present and i'm being told it has to go. i feel like its a dead friend.

i don't know how to actually pull this off, but we want to take it somewhere and smash it up. i want to crash it. we want to take bats to the windows, completely destroy it. then light it on fire. because that's the only way it can go--one last hurrah. god, it's sad that i just wrote this much about a car that was just a piece of shit.... but it was my piece of shit, and it had character, and some stupid mechanic just took it out back and shot it and i can't handle having such a big piece of my life just taken away WHAT THE HELL. I WANT MY CAR. I DONT WANT ANY OTHER CAR BUT MY STUPID RUN DOWN BEAT UP BUICK. WHAT THE HELL.

krystin.noyes@gmail.com — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 12:09:15 GMT

you were upset the other night,
you were angry and scribbling
on sheets of paper,
crumpling them up, swearing.
i watched you but really,
i was lost, i felt,
for the first time in my life,
completely useless
in the worst way.
i had no idea what you wanted,
and all i wanted
was to be the girl
that could come in
and make it all okay.
but i couldn't make it stop
like you did for me that time in the car
when i thought i was going to die.
i couldn't make you feel better
because, despite wishing and promises,
i can barely take care of myself,
let alone someone else.
and i sat with that,
while you lost it,
i sat there knowing
that i most likely won't be able
to give you everything.
that thought was a reason
i'd usually take to excuse
giving up, walking out.
but i had a pen
and across your back i wrote
'you are unlike anyone i've ever met'
and i decided then
that i would give you anything
even if i couldn't manage everything.