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i'm over my head

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conversation will be all mine. Jul. 31st, 2006 @ 04:00 am
there are two things i know for sure:
i love brit pop.
and i love rum.

and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. but really, that is all i know and could actually pinkie swear someone on. everything else is a mystery.

i had a really nice trip to the eastern area of my life. i drove a lot, but really that doesnt even bother me. i could never move back there (everrr), but going to visit is so good for my sanity. being out of my apartment, out of portland, for almost 5 days almost made me feel like a real girl again. because of my somewhat self-imposed awkward living situation i almost feel as if im kind of in a fake reality. to explain would require a lot of elaboration. so i felt rejuved for about.. 24 hours.. then of course after the high comes the low. that's how i'm feeling about now. which shall pass, i hope. whenever the low depression hits all i can do is sit and evaluate myself, my life and it's always so negative. i have the devil and angel on each shoulder. it's frustrating.. i know i'm not that awful of a person, really, but it becomes so hard to talk myself out of it. being self-aware is great, i think. but being so critical of yourself where you can't find good in yourself? that's stupid. i need to center myself..
who loves run-on sentences? memememe!! i dooo!
beyond that i'm looking for a new digital camera because mine's dead. mmmm. i want a sexy one. and i also want a full body massage, so whatev.
rum rum in my tum tum =)
okay, bath time xoxo

<3
Current Location: pdx
i feel..: melancholymelancholy
i'm listening to..: take that - back for good

Jul. 22nd, 2006 @ 04:43 am
I'm aware I really don't have any viewers, but usually when I write in this thing it's just theraputic.
So I've had the last five days off. I have done, nothing. It's alright though.. I keep thinking to myself.. someday I'm going to look back on this time period in my life and giggle to myself. I'm not happy, but I could be a lot unhappier. I've: Played WoW, read, and cleaned. I've eaten and slept a bit too.. tomorrow I go back, people will ask how my days off were.. blah.
It's hot and that makes me grumpy. I've taken two cold showers today.. I'm clean and cool for about an hour or so, then I feel disgusting again.
Woe is everyone though, right? Not just me.. I'm not greedy.
I can't find my webcam.. it's been AWOL for about a few days and I can't find it. I've been wanting update myspace pictures for awhile.. but my digital camera has officially died and the only semi-recent ones are with Zach. And if I want to get some myspace play.. those can't be up. ....JOKE.
I'm tired, I'm hot. Someome make it stop.
I can't wait to see Clerks 2. MMMMMM.
I'm going to see my mommy next week for her 50th bday..that'll be so nice. I miss my family a lot. I never thought I would when I moved out. I'm stoked to move in with my bro soon, I think we'll be good for each other, and he'll keep me out of trouble. :) And I've made some plans to make my way over to Montana. All of this equals out of be about.. a 22 hour drive. But, I'm semi-spontaneous.. I like to drive.. and I'm excited to visit my amigo. It'll be wicked. Yeah, wicked. I love getting out of Portland, I think the drive time to clear my head will be nice.. get away from the insanity of my apartment. It's going to be sooo good. :) It's just nice to have something to look forward to. Yaknowhatimsayin?
That's all bybye.
<3mere
Current Location: PDX
i feel..: grumpygrumpy
i'm listening to..: Regulatorsssssssss!

Vivaaaa.. Jul. 17th, 2006 @ 04:27 am
So it's been another extremely uninteresting week. I want to update this thing often, but honestly.. there's not much to say. There is only so much rambling I feel comfortable doing in this blog.
The good news is, I'm going to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday. XD Kind of cheesy. But I'm reaaally excited. My best friend and her GF won tickets in some random drawing, and they decided for my birthday present they'd get me a ticket to Las Vegas to come with them! I'm so stoked. It's going to be really fun. Booze.. gambling.. bright lights.. cheap food.. everything I want and more. I need to start saving for it, and get some skanky clothes to wear. Maybe I'll get married and have itt annuled while I'm down there too? Might as well. It's not until April of next year, but hey.. something to look forward to. Yay!
Beyond that, things are status quo. I'm bored with life but too unmotivated to anything about it. Go figure.
Sleepy time? Ok.
<3

Early morning blah blah blah. Jul. 11th, 2006 @ 05:55 am
I've been watching QAF for the past hour, not really paying attention to it, but thinking. I think writing some of it down will make me feel a little better.
I used to label myself as a romantic. Hopeless. I would daydream of the guy who would sweep me off my feet, completely "get" me, and love me unconditionally. It may happen, someday, I'm only 20 years old. But that doesn't really help how I feel right this second.
I didn't date in high school. Not until a few months after I turned 18 did I really have any kind of "real" romantic relationship. Even now, when I refect, they haven't been real.
I was so starved for love that I started attatching myself to anyone who showed me any kind of interest. I had no idea at the time, and even now that I'm more aware of myself I find myself still doing it. Zach and I just recently broke up, and only after things were pretty much said and done did I realize it had happened again. I don't really blame these guys for the way things eventually turn out, I see myself falling into the same pattern every time.
Anyone who has talked to me about "love" recently knows that I am feeling bitter. Cynical. Right now I feel like I've lost hope in having a real, loving, mature relationship. Which is probably typical from any girl in my situation. Deep down I know this probably isn't true. But then again, I feel like it is.
I flip flop a lot. Some days I think, I need to just be independant, grow as a person within myself. (What?) I need to concentrate on myself, my future and my happiness before I involve anyone else into that mess. Good idea, right? But humans, unlike most mammals, yearn for companionship. We all want intimacy. I can't think of anyone genuinely saying they never want to have a romantic relationship with anyone, ever. Friends are nice.. they fufill that need somewhat. But at the end of the day we want someone to share it with. Someone who really cares about us. Makes you laugh, shares your interests.. etc. You know where I'm going with that. I flop. I lie down to go to sleep and hope that someday, there will be someone for me who has the qualities I need in a relationship, who loves me, wants to be with me that I feel the same about.
What I've learned from my most recent relationship is I need respect. I need to be able to be myself, happily, and not get walked all over. A partnership, 50/50. Someone who can be responsible for themselves with or without me.
I feel as if I know I have new standards now. But if you'd ask me to tell you what I'm looking for, I don't think I could give a vivid answer. I know what I want, but I'm very confused.
So, for now.. I'm kind of done with dating methinks. For now. That's realistic. I don't want to be lonely. I want love. But I want it the right way.
I'm babbling.. so back to bed. Talk about scattered thoughts.
<3
Current Location: PDX
i feel..: okayokay
i'm listening to..: DMB

the world is sleeping, i am numb Jul. 10th, 2006 @ 05:19 am
I came home from work tonight to an empty house. I was relieved.. it's been a long time since I've been alone. Well, really, I'm alone all the time. Mentally, emotionally, etc. But physically alone? Almost never. I enjoy alone time. Probably more than I should. When I lived by myself in my studio people asked me, quite a bit, how I dealt with being alone all the time. I never had to "deal". I loved it. When I wanted to socialize I got to choose when, how long and with whom. That was my choice, and I was content with it. I'm a pleasant person, I think. Not saying I'm a grump because I can't do what I used to anymore. I just prefer it. What was once my everyday is now a luxury to me. It was my choice to move in with Zach, however not my choice to basically move in with all his friends. Sigh. Not bitching, because I believe you (relatively) get what you allow.
So anyway. I realized today that I have some extra money this month. Bills paid, food bought, etc.. I have a little wad of cash begging to spent. I consider saving it rainy day.. but it'll probably eventually just get spent on more bills and stupid crap like that. So I think I need to do something fun. I considered going on a trip. But trips aren't that fun on your own (tried it before), and I don't know anyone who'd want or would be able to take off with me for a couple days if I called them up right now. I considered visiting my best friend, but that got nixed when she started trying to fix me up. I want to avoid any awkward romantic confrontations for now, at most costs. Parents.. Mom is working. Shopping? That would be fun for a bit, then I'd get a little depressed for buying things I don't reaally need. Maybe I will though, or get a rad new haircut.. and like, my eyebrows waxed. I'd like to get out of town though.. or at least out of the house for more than a few hours. I really need a hobby. This is pathetic.
My teef have been giving me a little trouble today. Hoping and praying I don't have the dreaded "dry socket". Please please please nonono.
I always start these blogs with awesome intentions, then I somehow end up getting a little depressed in the process of writing them. Why is that? Hummmmm.
Okay, nighty night.
Current Location: PDX
i feel..: discontentdiscontent
i'm listening to..: Ben Folds Five... again?
Other entries
» Yes, I'm dumber now.
Today was the day I had been anticipating for several weeks now. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac so whenever I have anything "done" I obsess a bit. I was getting my four wisdom teeth out. Relief and anxiety fought each other until I got into the office.
But to back track a bit.. Zach was nice enough to drive me to my appointment. We were dating when I had made the date, so it had been agreed that he would go with me, pick me up and take care of me. When we broke up, it stayed the same. No problem. So before we headed out to Clackamas I wanted to go to Safeway to get something to drink, it would be too soon when I couldn't have soda, or drink things out of straws.. so I wanted to do both, now. In and out of Safeway I went, Zach stayed in the car. As I entered the car he was pointing towards the bus stop and shaking his head, "See that guy with the little kid? He just yelled, 'Hold the bus..Hold the bus! HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING BUS!!". I also shook my head in disapproval. Daily I see more parents undeserving of children. As we pull out, the same guy is walking over to our car. Zach rolls down his window and the man asks ever-so-politely, "Could my son and I get a ride to the next bus stop? Some stoner guy didn't hold the bus for us and my ID and our food stamp card is on there." I've done my share of helping people out when I shouldn't have so I quickly responded, "We're on our way to a Doctor appointment. I really don't want to be late." Which was completely true. I was just stressing to Zach how much I didn't want to be late today, seeing how he's notorious for it. Zach says, over me, "Sure, we're going that way anyway." Thank you oh so very much for inviting a stranger and his child into my car while I'm already anxious as hell. So sweet. I stared out the window until he dropped them off. I decided to not even start a conversation about it, I just wanted to get to the dentist office.
We get there, about 30 minutes early (I thought it was rush hour?). I decided I want to eat something really fast so I'm not starving the rest of the day. Zach votes we run across the street to Cost-Co and get hot dogs. Sounds good. We can't find the entrance for about 10 min, we stand in line for another 10.. so I end up eating about half a hot dog while half jogging back to the dentist. Stuff like that is always a good idea at the time. I get really disapointed when I see a guitar center across the street. At least I know where it is now. I noticed a brown VW bus with a guy napping on some shag-like carpet, a girl smoking a cigarrette in the passenger's seat and a couple more guys talking to each other, one with a guitar strapped to himself. When I was about 15-16.. that was my dream. I wanted to wander the country in a VW bus with some pals, until we got bored of and went to college. I was going to be single until I started college, then meet the man on my dreams within those four years and everything else would be history. So sweet. I thought that was such a good idea. I can't remember when that dream withered away. Oh well.
As soon as I get into the dentist office they're ready for me.. the nurse took me to the very back room where the "Garden State" soundtrack is playing from someone's IPod into some surround sound speakers. Relaxing, I felt better already. The nurse talked up the doctor while offering me a blanket. I ask her about anesthesia as the doctor walked in. He looked nice, long hair, mid 40s. He told me they were considering just local anesthesia. I wasn't very keen on this idea, but went with it anyway. Which actually turned out fine.. He was very good, I was done within a half hour. We picked up my perscription and I read my instructions. No food for 6 hours, no straws for 2 days, light brushing tonight..etc. All I wanted to do was get some sleep when I got home. I made a bed in the living room and watched TV for awhile, decided to go buy some soup, avacados and snack packs at the store. Mmmmm. I get back just in time for my numb to be completely worn off and I start to feel some pain. I pop a whole Percoset. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... until around 330am.
I wake up, get online, not much to do. So I end up here again. I guess these blogs are somewhat theraputic. At the same time they make me realize how lame my exsistance is, ha ha. No worries. I'm going back to sleep for awhile. <3
» It's your secret, why would you tell it to me?
So, I awoke early..afternoon, around 1pm. My first thoughts were (as most days), what do I have to do today? I mentally made a checklist. Pick up paycheck, deposit it, buy some soda, maybe some food (but probably not), and pay bills..which I can do online, sweet. Everything I dreamed of as a young girl in living in a small town that I would be doing at 20 years old in Portland. Thrilling. I stared at the ceiling for about 5 minutes, checked my clock (which doubles as a cell phone on some days) a few more times until I finally reached over to feel around for my glasses. I walked out of the bedroom to find that my now ex-boyfriend (whom I still live with, trust me.. I know) hasn't yet gone to sleep. A couple weeks ago that would have somehow made me upset, mad, frustrated.. but I hardly think twice of it now. I think, for about 5 seconds.. this means he's not going job hunting, or has he already? Oh well. We've paid rent, bills will be done tonight. I get a drink of water, think about eating some delicious generic Lucky Charms.. decide against it when I realize there is no milk in the 'fridge. Ah well. What do I really expect living with two males. I remember having to close my eyes for a few seconds, talking myself out of even getting the slightest bit upset.. "It's not even worth it.." Okay. I check the mail, call my mom, turn my computer on to check my email. No news, good news :) I get ready to go get my check. The entire 15 minute drive I think about what I should do today. This is a frequent thought for me lately. When Zach and I were together, I didn't really care what I did.. I just wanted to spend time with him, even when I started considering a break-up I was trying so hard to keep it together I spent most of my time and energy on him. So I have this seemingly new "me" time, and I have no idea how to fill it. And part of that has to do with me having absolutely no motivation. Apathy. Laziness. Whatever you label it as. So I consider many things, talk myself out of all of them. At work, I just take my keys in because I feel like whenever I bring my purse in I look like I want to hang out for awhile, and I really didn't. I want my cashmoney and I want to leave. I walked inside and the first thing I hear as I turn the corner is, not a "Hello" or "What's up?" but, "MEREDITH...I JUST THREW UP ALL OVER THE BATHROOM AND MYSELF", "Okay, I'll let the Staff on duty know..", "Can you PLEASE just help me NOW?", "No, I'm not on the clock and I don't have any gloves on me, I'll go find them really quick". I'm walking away as she's still yelling, I tell my co-worker about the situation in the bathroom, give him a thumbs up and grab my check from the office. My co-worker asks me what I'm doing today. Question of the day, hmm. "I don't know..", he suggests, "You should go to the library." Not sure if he's being sarcastic or not, I acknowledged his suggestion as I leave. I deposit my hard earned money, only thinking half of it was gone by the time I got home. Ah well. I made my way to WalGreens a couple blocks away from my house to get some soda. I grab as much DrP as my two hands could carry, and get in line. There are two checkers (which is a first for me to see at WalGreens) and the woman in front of me in the first line turned around to me and said, "You can go in front of me, I need to 'talk' with him" as she looks at the checker. I said thanks, paid, and on my way out I hear starts of some kind of minor domestic. Must've been her boyfriend. That..sucks. I get home, get onto my computer.. write a short note to my dad. "Hi Dad, I'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow just so you know. I'll try and call you later." His line is always busy, I have no idea why.. he has broadband. Oh well. Pay bills, log onto MSN and AIM to see if there's anyone for me to talk to. My bro and my good online gaming buddy Micheal are on. I talk to my bro about moving, talk to Mykel about what I was doing today. It's decided.. eating fast food and playing WoW. Good-o :) I really wanted to level up, this is serious business, so that was "what I'm doing today". I heavily weigh my fast food options.. Carl's JR sounds reeeaally good, I'm going to get a big guac burger.. I set off to do so, only to end up buying taco bell for the third time this week. Still delicious. I get home ready to enjoy the next few hours of intense MMORPG time. Mmmm. I turn on some music, hit random, and log onto WoW. I'm enjoying myself, talking with Mykel on my headset via Ventrilo, determined to hit level 58 tonight. Not long after I hear extra voices in the house, realize Zach's friends are over, again. They let themselves in, again. Zach is sleeping.. I get up to see what the hell is happening outside of my headset. They've already made themselves at home. The fridge door is open. I'm frustrated. I woke Zach up and told him to either entertain his friends or ask them to leave. I have about 8 eyes giving me the evil eye. A couple weeks ago this would've made me extremely upset, possibly to the point of tears. Today, I just smile and walk into the kitchen and kindly ask the boy in my fridge to please not eat anything. "Why not?" I think, because that's respectful, asshole. "Because we have about one and half incomes in this house, only one is buying the food and there are three people living here. I can't afford it. K?". He avoids eye contact and asks, "Can I have this?", holding up a Top Ramen. "No.", he puts it down, brushes past me and sits down. I go back into the game, easily forgetting about crowd of boys in the living room. Easily amused by the music playing, killing things with fire, and light conversation I zone out. An hour or so may have passed when my phone rings. I don't reconize the number so I eagerly (and quite stupidly, actually..) answer. "Hello, Meredith?" Ah, shit shit shit. I reconize the voice right away. "Someone called in for Noc shift tonight, I'm wondering if you can cover?" I try to think of a quick excuse, nothing comes to mind. "You know...I really don't want to....is there anyone else you can call?" She does, calls me back and says noone is available. I'm continued to be amazed how it is possible to have 5 on-call Staff and I (not an on-call Staff) am the only person available? Dumbfounded.. I don't level up to 58, I go to work. I stop by the store to get some sugar and creamer so I can enjoy some coffee. They have sugar cubes, they look fun so I pick those up along with a bottle of vanilla creamer. The cashier seemed abnormally cheerful for working noc shift, chatting with every customer. I put my things on the counter, and he laughs, "You're not doing acid with these are ya?" Huh? "No..." I felt kind of naive, and taken back for a second. "Oh, some guy came in and bought like 7 of these, already trippin', and got pissed when he realized there wasn't acid already in 'em" Ah.. "Oh, haha. Nope, just want some sugar in my coffee." I got to work. No more puke, I learn I get off at 5am, instead of 7.. which really doesn't do me good. Oh well. I get a phone call, make a phone call to pass some time. Clean, drink coffee, small talk with Dottie. Keep an eye on the clock. Nothing good on TV. My Dr. Phil book turns out not to be as humorous as I hoped. 5am rolls around, my relief calls and says she's "running late.." No prob. I get paid for some more wasted time. She gets there, I leave. The drive home is long.. I'm sleepy. I think about writing this blog.. which I'm still unsure of at this point. I get home, take a quick shower and brush the hell out of my teeth. I hop online with hopes of getting on WoW and leveling to 58. I do, a little disapointed I had noone to share my excitement with I log off. My day starts to end as it began.. thinking.. worrying.. so I turn on some of my favorite tunes as of late and start writing this. I thought it might be theraputic, perhaps a little comedic.. now I'm not sure. I could have gone to bed an hour ago. I sit here worried about getting my wisdom teeth out. Worry about money, relationships, the future and my basic happiness. Nothing new or out of the ordinary for anyone I guess. I'm not going to even reread this. It's raw, baby..raw. I think it's bed time.
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