CHAY CHEE

GOODBYE.

2005-05-02T23:00:18Z

i have switched journals. i've added the people i am close with &those who interest me &or just plain cool. if i haven't added you on my other journal and want to be added, comment &add me.

quiet_____siege
quiet_____siege
quiet_____siege
quiet_____siege
quiet_____siege
quiet_____siege
quiet_____siege
quiet_____siege
quiet_____siege
quiet_____siege
quiet_____siege
quiet_____siege

i might be back on this, but for now, i need a new start.

269.

2005-05-02T19:43:12Z

school today...it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i was probably dreading the thought of having to wake up, honestly. but who wouldn't when you're used to sleeping for countless hours ¬ worrying about having to wake up, or even shower? (as gross as that sounds.)

it seemed as if i hadn't seen anybody in years. people were so happy to see me as i was with them. i remember getting really excited to go to physics to see marisol &angel for some odd reason. i ended up doing marisol's homework for her. i remember looking foward to seeing christian and terrah, and then mike &rensy. today was a nice day, you could say.

walking on the track with rensy, i got to clear my mind free of my thoughts. that's one of the best things about her; she'll listen to you no matter what. &it's cute how she always sticks up for me. i'm going to miss her when she graduates. i also had christian put eyedrops in my eyes. good times? of course not.

then i saw...ANTHONY GOLEMBRESKI! it's only been 493248234+ years, so naturally i pranced my ass over there &hugged him for a million hours. i've missed him so. it was nice seeing him again.

my lunch period...was amazing. just listening to mike bitch about bridget was basically the most amazing thing i've ever heard. he also bought me pizza. wee!

casey is sick. i hope he gets well soon. ♥

my name is sarah, and i like to prate.

268.

2005-05-01T22:25:16Z

lately i've been practicing apathy when it comes to issues that were most important to me. i cannot let myself care so much anymore because then the slightest default with them can kill me. not literally, of course, unless it's the worst thing i am imagining right now. every morning i've been setting myself up for the worst possible thing in case for some reason it happens. it's not healthy, or so i've been told, but it's helping me in a sense; suddenly i feel stronger throughout the day. this probably isn't even close to making any sense, but it's the best way i can put it without being so blunt about the whole thing.

i've been feeling needy for privacy &space. not space as in i want to seperate myself from everybody, but maybe just a couple of minutes to myself to take in what is going on &ponder over it. the only time i do think is when i am by myself, not willingly. when i am left alone, i think, but because i am left alone i am suddenly sad so i tend to think thoughts that aren't necessary. i have a problem with thinking up things that probably aren't even true. i'm such a negative person &it's something i really need to work on.

i've been more open with my friends lately. i even found myself opening up to matt. it was nice though, to move away from all the immaturity and talk to him as if he was my friend again. him &i have concluded that the reason him &i never clicked as a couple was because we were more like siblings if anything. we certainly fight like them, but we talk like them too. &you can tell, too. he was quite supportive of me when i started dating casey, and he still is. he wasn't the jealous ex-boyfriend type. jon was, but that's because...yeah, who cares?

i've allowed myself to open up to jess, michele, &bobby. michele &i had a fascinating conversation friday night while we were walking around aimlessly through dumont. that is when her &i get into the best conversations. jess &i had one too last night, at ruby tuesdays. it opened up a new road, if you will. suddenly i feel a lot more comfortable talking to her about things. she was very comforting, and that was honestly what i needed. i've been in need for the comfort of a friend. i talked to bobby too, and he simply cheered me up. i needed that as well.

casey hasn't been around for a while because he's been working, but that's alright. as long as it benefits him, then i'm happy. i miss him a lot, but i'm starting to realize that time away isn't bad at all because it only allows myself to grow fonder of him. i'm not sure if i can get any fonder of him, but i'm sticking to that old saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." i will admit, this is true &is starting to kick in the more i think about him.

tonight i am hanging out with meghan. we're going to drive around aimlessly just talking &perhaps (or so i hope!) get coffee at that cute little cafe, again. it'll be nice just to get out and talk to her. she's like the older sister i've never had. i must say, i am proud of my brother's taste in girlfriends.

prate, prate, prate, that's all i do, but it doesn't bother me. i feel the need to IM every person i have, and haven't talked to in a while and tell him how much i appreciate their existance in my life. i'm in a pretty good mood right now, &i'm starting to appreciate everybody in my life, whether they have or had a good or bad influence in my life.

i think i'm most likely insane, but...i'm happy at this moment, and that's all that matters to me.

out♥

267.

2005-04-27T16:22:55Z

spring break: this is something i definatly needed. school was getting to me, really. it's not that i don't like it...i just don't enjoy it. the people there make me sick for some odd reason. granted there are times where just being with them makes me smile because of previous memories, but 99.9% of the time, it disgusts me. i wish i went to school with my best friends. that would be amazing.

a lot of shit has been going on for the past few days, but i'm over it. besides, i do believe that it did, indeed, make things better. at least in my mind it makes sense. other than this, things have been alright.

SPRING BREAK EVENTS: (which is obviously nothing exciting because my life isn't exciting at all.)

friday: michele's house, assorted fun: grant street cafe &whatnot. good times, endless laughter &yes, candy porn.
saturday: work, which was gay &sleep, non stop. unfortunate events that i overcame quickly.
sunday: patricia came over, park adventures, &eating way too much food.
monday: hearing my neighbors having sex, bus &mall adventures &once again, eating way too much food.
tuesday: casey &i's seven month anniversary. did nothing except take pictures &talk to him; my ideal day.
today: woke up to talk to casey, but he didn't call; i'm guessing he didn't go to school again. talked to jess for three hours about astrology which resulted in endless laughter, once again. perhaps hanging out with robin &michele...

yeah. my life = nothing exciting.
i miss casey, i miss casey, i miss casey.
over &out<3

266.

2005-04-26T20:06:32Z

HARD on shadow: when i die
HARD on shadow: i want to be reincarnated
HARD on shadow: as a sperm.
BoneDaddy194: lol
BoneDaddy194: i hope i become one too! and you and I make it to the egg. and grow up. and love eachother
BoneDaddy194: mhm

that was actually one of the most cutest things i have ever read.

265.

2005-04-18T20:33:20Z

my name is sarah &i am an embarassment.

264.

2005-04-09T21:15:35Z

new layout: one_heartbeat_
no, i am not leaving livejournal.

----------

i believe things are going better. honestly, i haven't any idea what caused last week to be hell. well, i do have an idea; PLENTY of ideas, but i don't know why i'm letting them get to me if they are not true. at least i hope they are not. as far as i'm concerned, they are not.

i'm going to start taking things day by day &if anything bad happens or i know something is wrong, then i'll panic. until then, i am protesting against myself &against my thoughts.

oh &ps, work was actually fun today.
&i finally got to speak to casey for a little bit.
his voice melted my heart like always.
i just wish we had talked more.
out<3

263.

2005-04-06T01:35:22Z

----

----

i am in love with this boy.

casey is amazing. that's all i can say.
no words can describe him. he's just too perfect.
i'll love casey always &forever.
as far as i'm concerned, we're already married.

♥♥♥

262.

2005-04-04T21:49:36Z

lately my mind has been nothing more but a plethora of fears &what i don't want to happen. i don't know why...i guess i'm just afraid to lose what i think is perfection. i know i shouldn't be afraid because i've been assured so many times, but it's hard...it's just so hard.

i don't like the way i think &if i could, i would practice apathy. but it's impossible. i don't know why; i've never been like this before. i've never cared about who talks to who &why. it's honestly getting to me.

other than that, things have been alright. i haven't been feeling too well recently &i've been kind of sad. maybe it's just that time of the year, or maybe it's just my mind. mrs o'connor thinks i may have a kidney infection, so that doesn't make things any better. today she made me drink twelve glasses of water before going to geometry &by the time i got there, i had to pee so bad. water goes right through me. it's horrible.

i just called casey &he didn't seem too happy. he's been having hard times lately and i can't do anything about it. i feel so helpless &it's so bothersome. i'm his girlfriend...i'm more than his girlfriend...i'm supposed to know how to make everything better, yet at times, i feel as if i make them worse. i'm terrible when it comes to things like these.

that's another thing i'd change about myself; i would love to be good at helping people. unfortunatly, my only strength is comic relief, and sometimes it doesn't work. not all people laugh and not all people find jokes about their situations to be funny. i try to be serious, but when i'm serious, it sounds so fake because i'm always joking around. i wish people would take me more seriously.

i still have a lot of cleaning to do tonight &i'm not looking foward to it. we're getting new windows &you know what? i personally think they look like shit. my mother said they'll eventually start blending in. whatever; i still think they look like vomit.

out.

261.

2005-04-01T22:31:27Z

HARD on shadow: are you sure you love me? lmao you're so hot. you can get like, any hot girl.
BoneDaddy194: no, you're the one I want
BoneDaddy194: you
BoneDaddy194: YOU
BoneDaddy194: all you
HARD on shadow: no need for wanting
HARD on shadow: you already have me<3
BoneDaddy194: :-D
HARD on shadow: :-D
BoneDaddy194: Then I'm all set for life
HARD on shadow: me too<3

i love him more than words can even describe. ♥♥♥

260.

2005-03-31T01:40:29Z

meet super sperm. i made him today because we all need a sperm to save us.

now is the time i probably should try to invest in a life...

anyway, did anybody else here grow up listening to aerosmith?
honestly, my infatuation with them is coming back.
i've been listening to them nonstop since i came home today.
only the old stuff, of course. their new stuff sucks hardcore dickage.

have you noticed that all bands that were once good are starting to suck when coming out with new albums? take alkaline trio for example; casey told me that they're going all poppy. how many good bands have gone poppy over the years? it's insane &you know what? i do not approve. they're all probably trying to change their image for people. why? people obviously liked them beforehand. fuckasses.

i finally own this.

out.

259.

2005-03-29T23:44:06Z

new layout: one_heartbeat_

i am basically dying without my computer. [the one in my room.]
my photoshop is on there.
my music is on there.
my photography is on there.
i upload my pictures on there.
but, i had to be an idiot &break the fucking thing.
iamafuckingretard.

this morning, i received a phone call from casey. it turns out he stayed up just so he could talk to me before i left for school. that was so sweet of him. honestly, it's little things like that, that show me how much he cares. ilovehimorethanwordscandescribe. really, i do. he makes me so happy♥♥♥.

after school was basically amusing beyong belief. aubree flipped off the teachers, i broke the shelf, we got edgar to curse, marisol spilled her water all over her books, we started to sing, we were really loud, &we rode the school elevator up &down. sometimes, i wish they had faculty meetings all of the time.

GOALS THAT NEED TO BE ACHIEVED BUT PROBABLY WON'T BY FRIDAY
-clean room
-start research paper
-finish all laundry
-finish terra's layout
-pick up USB cable chord
-pick up CD rom for camera
-fix computer...or try to
-dye hair

i'm also pining to go back to that cafe with meghan.
so amazingly good.

yeah, it's never going to happen.
out<3

258.

2005-03-28T20:46:24Z

you won’t ask and i won’t tell anything about myself to you. honey, i’m an open book, a little hard to read , that may be true, and am i worth your time? i’m on the ground now, but you won’t ask me how i fell tonight, but i would tell you everything you want me to tonight. so come on ask and i will tell everything about myself to you. honey, i’m an open book and you and me are long since overdue; i think it’s worth your time. this time i’ll draw the line and you won’t laugh at me; if i see you start to leave, please wait up for me.

+mall with panda
+cafe with meghan
-fight with casey
+making up with casey
-easter
-still feeling bad
-things
-school

i don't like this.

257.

2005-03-23T22:26:44Z

School is highly amusing this year. As much as I hate most of the kids, there are some kids that I just can't not love. Marisol is definatly one of them. Her &I were basically voted as the two most funniest/amusing girls today. That's because we rule &all. Just thought I'd let you know.

...What do you guys think about the Terri Schiavo case? I personally believe that they should put that feeding tube back. I mean, she's been living like that for fifteen years, &obviously people do want to take care of her. The only person who truly despises her &wants her dead is her husband. He's a fucking prick; I heard that the nurse who used to nurse Terri told the courts that her husband [Terri's], everyday for fifteen years, used to come in and say, "Is the bitch dead, yet?" How fucking terrible is that? &Terri, according to the nurse, always had a smile on her face. The only time that smile would be wiped away was when her husband walked in, closed the door, &stayed in Terri's room for twenty minutes each day. Everytime she left, she would be shaking, &sweating. That prick is the reason she is the way she is. That prick is the reason why she's going to die. That prick is fucking dead. I hope he rots in hell. Stupid bastard. &what else bothers me is the fact that he has a girlfriend &children with his girlfriend. The only reason he's not divorcing Terri is for when she dies, he'll get money. FUCKING PRICK.

The news makes me sick.
People make me sick.
This snow makes me sick.
Period.

I really want to see Casey. Really want is also quite the understatement. I basically need to see Casey. I love him so much. It may sound played out, but I can't express it any other way. It's simply impossible. He's just so perfect...too perfect for words. I try so hard to think of ways to describe just how perfect he is &it becomes a struggle. It's that hard. He's that perfect. I'm so lucky.

PS
I want this:
I will get this.
Soon.

out<3

256.

2005-03-23T02:19:49Z

it's official.
i am insane.
honestly...

255.

2005-03-21T13:30:41Z

tonight, tonight...

edit
a polaroid pose: okay i must go shadow
a polaroid pose: WTFFFF
a polaroid pose: im still drunk
a polaroid pose: shower*

254.

2005-03-18T04:40:43Z

i'm in the mood to get heavily intoxicated &never wake up again.
well, in a few days, at least.
that, or i need a good amount of sleep.
...or we'll just stick to the alcohol.

for humor:

YOU REMAIN MY

POWER

PLEASURE

PAIN

if you know this song, i will love you forever.
out<3

253.

2005-03-15T23:47:01Z

classy fuck

new layout: one_heartbeat_
out.♥

252.

2005-03-15T13:29:46Z

no one gives a shit, as long as we smile.

251.

2005-03-12T03:03:50Z

I rule

Only not. I haven't been feeling that well lately. In fact, I've been feeling rather depressed for the most part. I haven't a clue why. I have everything I could ever want. I'm having this problem with mood swings though. Perhaps I'm bipolar.

+HSPA's are over
+Pollack's research paper is done+handed in
-progress report
-random mood swings
-work tomorrow
+dying hair/perhaps cut
+Casey, of course ♥
-English term paper
-senior scheduling for next year
+no homework this weekend
+maybe diner trip with Jess?
-hurt my wrist again

Obviously I haven't an exciting life.

250.

2005-03-10T03:15:29Z

Ugly.

Gay.

Fur coat; gay.

Fatass; gay.

Hi, I'm gay.
</3

249.

2005-03-08T01:07:48Z

His name is Marc Hemmer.
Jessica very_houdini & I hate him.
Look at his smile; he looks like he's about to explode.
He's basically retarded. &he has buttsex with his football player best buddies, Mike Nallen & Tom Teel.

That ruled; however, today sucked. Granted we finished HSPA testing, when I came home from school, I found my newer, baby anole dead. Nice way to continue a reasonably good day. She was just laying there on her back, her eyes black and all. Yeah, so after crying about 90348923449823+ years, I wrapped her in foil & marked "RIP" on it. I don't want to get rid of her corpse; it's too sad. Meh...RIP, Baby Guido.

My father is watching Korean kid shows & laughing. It's quite amusing, I must say. Granted I simply cannot understand a word they're saying, if they're even words...Wow. Casey's CD just explode in his computer. Poor kid; now he has to go about and take his whole thing apart. God, nobody's having a good day.

...My mother just walked in. I think she's more devastated at the fact that Baby Guido died. She adored those anoles. *sigh*

Bah. I've basically been procrastinating for about a month with this term paper, and now it's due tomorrow. Perhaps I should get working on it? James Dean awaits. @#(*$)#@(!~!!(#$*@! Yep.

out.

248.

2005-03-06T02:25:44Z

I had fun with my eyeshadow today.

Granted devirginized___ has the best eyeshadow combinations ever. I am jealous.

Work was fine, today. I've had better days, but today was highly amusing. Chrissy & I broke the shelf because we're that cool & we literally stared at that for about fifteen seconds. Her face was priceless.

Amazing how different my hair looks when behind my ears. Wild hair monster, bitches.

&out.♥

247.

2005-03-04T03:10:29Z

I hate movies that have somebody narrating about their story & I especially hate it when they're fucking ghansters narrating about their ghanster life & the rules of the gang. Give me a break; you're nothing more than a bunch of cunts who have to act tough in order to make it seem like you have a penis.

& for that, I'm most likely going to get shot. But whatev. First Ammendment, bitch.

"We was chillen."
That makes me enthralled. I love when people know how to speak. It makes me happy, really. Welcome to America. Learn how to speak.

God, lately I've been having issues with illerate fuckasses. Honestly, I hate when people have to talk like they're fucking five years old with no knowledge of the English language. I don't give a fuck if it's 'lingo'. It's bullshit. You're trying to impress people? As far as I'm concerned, what impresses me is when one knows how to speak. Call me anal, I don't care. I'm right & you guys know it. Don't tell me any of you can tolerate that crap...unless of course you talk like that. & then, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry if I offened you. I'm sorry you have to waste your time being stupid. I bet all of those "mutha fukkaz" are actually intelligent if they try. But no, once again, the act of royal stupidity makes you "cool". Pretentious fucks. I hate them all, really.

...& I love how when I make fun of them, they think I'm actually trying to be cool. I wonder if they've ever heard of the word, "mockery"? Yeah.

...I'm not really that angry. In fact, I'm not angry at all. I will admit, I am a bit stressed out, but that's only because of stupid standarized testing. Stupid fucking HSPA. HSPA can eat my asshole. & for those who haven't a clue what that is, that's a test all juniors in New Jersey must take in order to graduate...& you must pass to graduate. It's stupid, it's irrelevent, & it's just gay. & for those who took it, want some beets?

Rant & rave, that's all I'm good at, really. But that's alright.

I rule at being a fuckass. Yep.

over&out, bitches.

246.

2005-03-01T19:14:00Z

I'm going to have sex with these sunglasses.

Today, Ridgefield Park finally got a snow day. Who knew the impossible was possible? But yes, I took advantage of that by talking to Casey before he went to school [poor boy sounded rather tired...], sleeping in, and cooking [or trying to]. Perhaps I'll make my way back to bed? I still have plenty of laundry to do, so perhaps I'll do that. I'm in a mood to listen to music & clean. I don't know where this urge is coming from, but I've been having it for days. & it's weird, I have this urge and once I start something, I never finish. I'm either too lazy or get bored easily. Not too sure...

Lately I've been missing Casey a lot. It's not as if him & I have been talking much lately, anyway. He's been busy working on his speech & whatnot. I'm proud of him though; he's such a smart boy. It's just sad not being able to hear his voice as much as I usually do. It was nice hearing it in the morning...that's how I want to wake up everyday. Just hearing his voice in my ear & feeling his arms around me. In time, we will. I'm a bit bummed out though; he didn't really sound all that happy this morning. But then again, he wasn't feeling well. I don't know...I'm paranoid, so I'm afraid everytime he's down or something it's my fault. All I know is that I can't lose him, because without him I wouldn't be able to live. I know that for a fact. It's amazing how one person has such a big impact on your life. It honestly amazes me, really.

Perhaps I should quit rambling...?
Perhaps.
Oh & I redid my layout since I haven't a life: one_heartbeat_
Out.♥