NCIS fic makes me cry. Cry cry cry. And SCREAM!
AAARRGH!!!!!

OMG What is WRONG with this fandom???

I'm beginning to think that all the others fandoms have taken their worst badfic writers and send them to write NCIS fic. Honestly, the fic is so bad that I'd be happy about beagles. That's how bad it is.

*cries*

Went to ff.net to torture myself find new exciting NCIS fiction. After the first one that promised me a "real, actual plot this time" and the second one which started with an OC called Sara McLean, I decided that I could have just as much fun reading summaries, without giving myself the headache of actually reading the fic.

( Here's what I found: )

Oh, this is just too much fun. I have to stop or my brain will explode from all the fun.

(Somebody give me something to read! Please!)

Now it is my turn to wriht a story abaut Tony and His father. Sorry to say that it is not as good i i haped it woud be.

No kidding.

Revenge

"Tony, which you make there?"
"nothing, boss."
"German? Since when do you learn German? Porno? Does what I think that it am called?, mean "
Tony stared to Gibbs innocently on.
"it is all Abby's debt! She said, I am my dear stories as Porno marked out!"
"however why on German? You can do nevertheless none German."
"that is not a problem. there is this nice small program, Babelfish, translates everything completely automatically. Do you see?"
Tony pointed to a Sex Scene, which he had translated straight.
"I set it for me on the head and her hop three times backwards on the bed to her came" read out Gibbs.
"Tony." Gibbs said. "you will stop immediately to write German pornography. And this evening you come to me home, and I show you, how one translates that correctly. However you would have to again describe me for it the scene, which you mean. Best "
" Uhm play." Tony swallowed and became red. "do you play the Mrs., boss?"

Her name is Kate. K A T E.

It's not Cait. And not Kait. And really not Caite.

Her full name is Caitlin. Not Katelyn, Caitlynn, Kaitlin or Kaitlynn. I'm not making these up, and ff.net is not the only place you can find them.

Know how I know "so much" about her? I went to the official site and looked it up. Sneaky, isn't it? I know, that might be too much trouble for some of you little writers out there, but really, all you need to do is ask. I'll be happy to help you spelling the character's names correctly.

*drips sarcasm*

NCIS fic quote of the day:
Gibbs rushed into the bullpen; with an invisible puff smoke in his trail.

If anyone's wondering where I am, I'm sleeping. Or I was sleeping. Sleep and work, that was all I did this week. Yes, it was as boring as it sounds.
Now I'm waiting for a friend who'll stay with me this weekend, so again no time to lj.
BTW, castalie?
If we are going to meet, it would have to be next weekend, then I'm going back home.

Out walks Oceana, with an invisible puff smoke in her trail.

I'm desperate, so I went to ff.net again. Instead of finding Abby-fic (what were the chances of that anyway), I find this:

Tony still hadn't moved, so Gibbs unbuckled him and coaxed him out of the car and led him to his door.

Excuse me? Is Tony his dog? Cause, you know, I buckle up my dog in the car, and sometimes I have to "coax" him to get out of it. But I sure as hell never buckled up any of my boyfriends. Even when they were drunk they were able to do that themselves.
*cries*

Also, I still have the voice problem. Mark Harmon says "Stay tuned for scenes of our next episode" and I go all, "sure, whatever you say, let me be your slave, Master."
I really don't think me going to a NCIS convention would be a good idea at this point. Should there ever be one.

I was looking for Gibbs/Abby fic (don't ask), and after searching the archive without success, I decided to give ff.net a try.

( You don't even have to read the fics anymore, the summaries provide enough entertainment for weeks: )

I'm laughing so hard that there are tears running down my face. Tell me why I haven't done this before? This is priceless.

Still no Gibbs/Abby though.
*sigh*

I'm trying to read Biblio, because many people whose opinions I value have told me that her fic really isn't that bad.

Okay, let's see, first page:
"He was the one who’d vocally insisted on gating out here to be the big bad protector of the innocent young archaeologist"

"Carter rushed to excuse her beloved little brother's complete absence of perspective on the current situation,"

"Daniel was so thrilled to be stranded he was bouncing. "The way those golden tones bathe the stones of the temple,"Daniel sighed dreamily."

And this is where I stop.
I can excuse the first one as a joke.
I can excuse the Sam comment as a desperate attempt to make clear that this won't be a ship fic.

But I have NEVER ever seen Daniel sigh "dreamily" or do anything that resembled bouncing. He gets excited, yes, but there is really no bouncing.

And the worst thing is that the story actually sounds interesting, the writing itself isn't bad. But I simply don't have enough time to read these kind of fics when there are so many better things to read.

If your find yourself writing something like

"Who are you and what have you done to [insert name here]?"

you better stop writing right there, because obviously your characterization is so far off that even the protagonists realize it.

Just a thought.

If someone doesn't write me NCIS fic soon I'm going to die.
I'm already reduced to ff.net. You know, the wonderful site with fics like:

( Ding Dong The Wedding Bells Ring )

I haven't read anything at ff.net since my Buffy days. I wonder why. This is way too much fun.

You know why I'm not posting?
It's because I'm not working. Working requires me sitting in front of the computer, leading to me thinking of doing anything but work, resulting in lots of posts.
This week?
Not so much. Did exactly nothing. Except for lots of dates, don't ask why. Let's just say, the love goddess thing is not yet working out the way I planned, but there's progress.

Anyway, I just came home from a half-date (my date thought it was a date, I didn't, huh), and remembered that I hadn't checked Area 52 in a while.

And what do my sore eyes see?

( The infamous Anne Isabelle has updated again! )

I really, really recommend this story. Afterwards, the world seems like a much saner place.


And Orrymain has updated again?
Does she ever stop writing? She can't be real, it's probably a consortium of mistreated beagles wanting to take revenge on mankind. Why they chose to start with the Stargate fandom remains a mystery.

The new story is...539kb??? She writes 539kb in 8 days????
The mind boggles.

I think I need to sleep now. Wish me sweet dreams, of giggling beagles circling in white buckets.
*sigh*

P.S.: If there was any good fiction posted last week, could you let me know, please?

Who knew behind the geek beat the heart of Julia Child, or maybe it was Martha Stewart?

I'm crying. See me cry?
And the worst thing is, I love kidfic so much that I will continue reading this piece of crap. For at least another twenty lines. *cries*
Life is so unfair.

Area 52 got updated again. Actually it was updated two days ago, but I didn't notice until now, because Duncan and Methos won't leave me now, so all I did during the last days way watch Highlander and read D/M slash. And horsemen fic!
There are days when I can't stop obsessing about the Horsemen. It's all "kronoskronoskronos" and "methosmethosmethos" and "kronosmethoskronosmethosaTHOUSANDyearskronosmethosduncankronosnowthenwhyhowhuhsexkronoscrazysexmethosduncanadslkhsdkljsfhödsakjghöapouega" AAAHHH Somebody please make it stop!

Seriously, my head feels like it's going to explode. Would it seem totally unreasonably if I stopped working and dedicated my life to watching Highlander over and over again?

Right, I'll stop. Stargate. Now.

So, Area 52 was updated.I haven't really had tíme to read any of the fic, what with Kronos and Duncan and Methos doing things in my head all day long, but there is new Gigi, The Grrrl, Joa G and Eos, so I'm sure there is something for your taste. Also, Affinity has written Stargate Atlantis, which I'd read in an instant, but it is spoilerish for "The Storm", and I haven't seen that ep yet.

And then I saw that Anne Isabelle has released a new masterpiece! Anne Isabelle, the author of such fabulous works as "Jack the Cat", "Fishing and Sex" and the unforgettable "Three Men and Two Babies", in which Teal'c fathers Jack and Daniel's children. Such lovely fics, such wonderful writing.

Let's see what she has for us today:
Aveo Amacuse.
O'Neill smirked, "Greedy Danny! Have someone ever give you a blow job before?"

See, that is what I call great sex! Jack loses his ability to speak correct english because Daniel is driving him crazy.
Then she gets rid of the nasty Sam problem. Because, you know, Sam is evil and things. It only takes one sentence or two to sum up Sam's feelings for Jack:

Carter was completely broken. She thought that Jack O'Neill was in love with her just like she was in love with him, but thought that he was too shy to tell her, or not ready yet to love someone after his divorce following his son's tragic death, but never had she thought that O'Neill didn't love her, but was in love with Daniel, Never!
(Okay, I changed that sentence a little, I thought it would be even more perfect without any full stops. Maybe I should become her beta reader? Oh, if she'd only let me near these works of beauty.)

Actually, I fear that she has gotten herself a beta reader, because this story, well, as bad as it is, at least there are no babies sucking on Jack nipples. That image has burned itself into my brain, and not in a good way. What will I do, if Anne Isabelle stops writing bad bad fic and starts writing just average bad fic? Where will be the fun in that?
*sniff*

Going back to Duncan and Methos now.
BTW, I'll have Pumpkin-Gorgonzola-Risotto for dinner, if anyone wants to join me... :-)

Bags are packed, ebookman is full with slashy goodness, got my plane tickets, Nice, here I come!
But before I go, here's another little public service announcement for those of you who don't check out Area 52 for updates daily. Me? Obsessed?

Yes, Area 52 got updated again.
We've got the absolutely wonderful Jack/Daniel/Sam fic "Wheel" by Brighid, which you should all read now if you haven't done so. Hits all my kinks. Not the kinky ones, just all the things I like about the characters and fiction.

Other familiar faces I see are Nicci, Kylie Lee, Ximeria and Sage.
I think I read Sage's "East of Rock" when she posted it on her LJ, can't really remember, but you can't go wrong with Sage, her fics are always good.
You should definitely check out Nicci's fic, because it comes with one of her wonderful manipulations.
Kylie Lee has Jack/Paul hotness for us, which is wrong and forbidden and hot. Of course, I can't read it again, because while I'm very willing to share Daniel (Slut!), I can't see Jack with anyone else, unless Daniel is dead or married. But I can assure you that it is a good fic.

Or you could read this: ( Cut for badfic quote )

Then there is Stargate Atlantis fic by Leah. I don't know the author at all, but I heard good things about her, so I'm going to check this out when I come back from my vacation.

BTW, I recced one of my favourite X-files stories over at oceanas_recs, and because it is so good, I thought I'd announce it here as well. So, if you want to revisit the x-files, especially the Mulder/Krycek part of them, you might want to do so now.

Be good while I'm gone, I'll be back on Tuesday. Tell me if something important happens (like J/D's wedding night, now that they are married). Don't tell me if fandom explodes, I don't want to know. Is there even new Stargate this Friday?

The Highlander couldn't help his curiosity upon hearing this statement.
"Who was the last person you made love to?"

Methos fell silent at this query.
Noting the reluctance in his lover, Duncan hastily said, "I'm sorry. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

But the ancient didn't want to keep secrets from him anymore.
"Byron...and, before that, it was Kronos."


*bangs head against wall repeatedly*

Then, the shocking admission:
With Byron, it was just sex."

Methos! I'm shocked! How could you!
Finally the romantic part begins:

Take me, Duncan! I want you to put your finger inside my ass!"
Methos cried out again as Duncan poked his prostate.

I swear, I'm not making this up. Just quoting. Though I left out a few sentences, but trust me, they weren't important.
I'm having way too much fun with this. ;-)

Oh yes, the bad fic quote I posted on Friday (or was it Thursday?)

'How could I ever resist an invitation like that?
Those brown bedroom eyes smoldering just for me,
that sensuous mouth just waiting for the touch of mine.
Oh, gods this will be hard! I have to remember this
is his first time. I can't just jump at him, no matter
how appealing that sounds. He has to set the pace here.

Duncan/Methos, though most of you pointed out that it could have been anyone, and you are right of course. lasultrix however was the only one who noticed the very small clue "brown bedroom eyes", and guessed correctly.
Virtual cookies for you! :-)

Edited: I forgot to give enigel cookies! I blame it on her long absence from lj. It is so easy too overlook her these days. *eg*
Here, virtual cookies with extra chocolate for you. Eat, grow stronger, read badfic another day... (Sorry, couldn't help myself.)

Random badfic quote:

'How could I ever resist an invitation like that?
Those brown bedroom eyes smoldering just for me,
that sensuous mouth just waiting for the touch of mine.
Oh, gods this will be hard! I have to remember this
is his first time. I can't just jump at him, no matter
how appealing that sounds. He has to set the pace here.'

Virtual cookies if you guess the fandom and the characters.
Edited: Looking at other people's comments in considered cheating. *g*

I was going to write about last weeks Atlantis, but then I stumbled upon this post about virgins who write sex, and nostalgia_lj's reaction to it (with many interesting comments).
And - after bitching a little at a not-so-innocent bystander, I'd like to make a little announcement.

SEX
is not the same for everyone. People feel different things than other people when they have sex. People like different things than other people when they have sex. People feel different things at different times when they have sex. And yes, even to one person the sex can feel that way on Mondays and another way on Tuesdays! Shock!
You cannot say: Sex always feels like this.
You cannot say: first times always hurt. Anal sex always sucks. Every man comes like crazy when he gets a blow-job (so not true that last one).
You cannot say ALWAYS when it comes to sex. Just as you can't say NEVER.

Well, there are a few exceptions of course:
Assholes are NEVER self-lubricating.
Prostrates are NEVER lickable. (Unless you are cut open and bleeding to death)
And most of all: Penises are NEVER spongy and they are not getting soaked. (yes, I said that before, and I'll say it again. Not spongy. Not soaked. Never.)

Thank you, that is all. I feel better now that I've let off some steam. Maybe I can write that Atlantis post now.

Edited
carolyn_claire has just provided me with the useful information that penises can indeed be spongy. The "Spongy body of a penis" is the anatomical term for the parts of the penis that are filled with blood during an erection. Latin term:
Corpus spongiosum penis
(I'm not kidding.)
My insufficient knowledge of anatomical expressions lead to that mistake, I hope you'll forgive me.
I was thinking of this definition:
1 : resembling a sponge : a) : soft and full of cavities (spongy ice) b) : elastic, porous, and absorbent
2) a) : not firm or solid b) : being in the form of a metallic sponge (spongy iron)
3) : moist and soft like a sponge full of water (a spongy moor)

I think we can agree that a penis isn't spongy in the way that it can soak up water or is porous and absorbent. ;-)

The moment we've all been waiting for has finally come:

The Winners of the Stargate SG-1 Fan Awards 2004 have been announced!

Yay!

Okay, first: congratulations to all the winners! If I like your writing or not, it is an achievement to have influenced fandom enough to win in fandom awards. Especially in these awards, where the fan get to chose the nominations and the winners, which should be obvious, but believe me, there are many fandoms where they have "committees" for chosing winners.
So, congrats!

And now, on to the slash category: ( Let's see what crack fandom has been smoking this year... *g* Long, long review of the SG Award winners, in which I shamelessly praise some of my favourite authors and offer some gentle (and some not so gentle) criticism )

Last, but not least, I'd like to say Thank You to the writers. To all the writers, even then ones I don't like. Yes, even to the beagle fic author. Fandom wouldn't exist without fanfiction, and ever fic, no matter how bad, has a place in someone's heart. If you make just one fan happy with your story, you have done something special. You make people happy, and you create new worlds for us fan, everyday. Thank you for taking the time and effort to write. Thank you for publishing your fic, for throwing them out to the wolves, who, like me, take them, devour them, spit them out and then dare to make fun of what's left.
I wouldn't want to live without you.

Now you can bitch at me all you like.
*g*