don't let me down...

don't let me down.

well. i must be fucking crazy.



insane in the membrane.

they're coming to take me away, haha, they're coming to take me away......

you raise the blade, you make the change, you re-arrange me 'till i'm sane.








i'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

i played with the layout again, yay.

i think it looks much better now.

i am happy.

but i need a cig, so, tatafornow.


♥

i must have a tattoo for my birthday.

it will be one of the following:

ONE • the triforce from zelda with the dark side of the moon prism making up the center triangle. (kind of hard to explain, but i have it sketched out and it's totally badass.)TWO • from stephen king's dark tower series, this symbol that means "white" as in all things good and full of light and some other stuff. not as in "white people." it is the symbol on the butt of the main character, roland's, revolvers. it is also said to be arthur eld's symbol. this probably means nothing to someone who hasn't read the books. this i am definitely getting done eventually. where and when is still up in the air, but i'm pretty such decided on this idea.


those are really the only two ideas i got right now. i'm gonna go see if i can find some pictures.



20 minutes later......



( pictures, yay! )

i think i've become obsessed with tumblr. i still check up on my friend's page on lj but, i just don't see the point of really posting here anymore. i like tumblr. but i will allways love livejournal. ♥

"But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger,
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?"


♥ the cranberries

yes, i am alive. just very, very tired. i don't know what is wrong with me lately, but i seem to be living through a haze. work-sleep-work all week. and then the weekend is something like work-drink-sleep???-work-drink-UGHNEEDSLEEP-work

and yes i need sleep now.
and no, this weekend is not going to be full of drunk. not even in the mood.
i'm gonna go but myself a prepaid phone. it's the least i deserve. i deserve a wii, a macbook, and a high quality digital camera the way i've been slaving away, but alas, you can't always get what you want. so i get what i need. which is a phone. no, seriously.

i wanna talk about how heartsick i feel, but i know it will sound like a broken record, and now i'm tired of typing.

goodnight. :(

i have off from the PLCB today. which is awesome. :) two days off in a row, what?!

i spent like 2 hours working on some silly html table, trying to make a cool layout, even though there is no where to put it, and then i load it into firefox and i don't know why but it looks like shit. explain to me how it looks perfect in the preview screen of the program i use for html editing, but horrible in a real browser. i hate life sometimes. i just wanted to make a layout, for old times sake. *tear*

i'm going to reread the harry potter series (AGAIN) until i can get my hands on something new. my aunt, and just about everyone else in the world, told me twilight was good. i'll just have to wait till i get paid.

i'm hungry. i think ill go make some breakfast.

i've had a strange day. i need sleep, yet i find myself posting on livejournal again.

cause i'm a looser.

today at work, while we were waiting in the freezing cold for cans, i decided this: i am going to write that story which ever way i please no matter how little sense it makes. when i'm done, i can try to fix it if need be. then, i will send it to magazines and such. THEN hopefully they will make a movie and video game based off of it. then a sex tape. just kidding. or am i? (yes)

i've been bitten.

i think it's some kind of creative bug. hum.

wow. i'm tired. i really don't feel like ups today. i feel like staying in bed and watching cheesy movies.

some days, it's just harder to keep it moving.

my cats are going nuts fighting with each other. maybe there's a ghost in the house. don't ghosts make your animals go crazy or something?

i want to work on my story very badly and i have no time. and when i do have time i'm usually too fried to concentrate.

i need a fucking vacation.

the good news:
...i can't think of anything.

well, i guess i could go take a nap now.

'night ♥

you know what sucks?
getting dumped.

you know what really sucks?
getting dumped, making up, and then getting dumped AGAIN.

will someone put me out of my fucking misery please?

oh, is it 2009? cause i didn't notice. still feels like shitty ass 2008. still feels like i fucked up everything for the 1,000,000th time.

i need to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself. what's that line from men in black? (well, i heard it in that movie first anyway.) "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." then tommy lee jones says, and how true, "try it."

i can feel all my hurt turning to anger, so soon.

*turns into the hulk*
...at least i still have my sense of humor.

i had a very alarming dream last night. but a good one. just... unexpected.

did you ever want something so bad, yet at the same time you know, almost for certain, that you will never get it? so instead you hope that at the very least you will dream about it. some dreams can be very real...

anyway, the thing i wanted to dream about was... something... that first entered my mind, lets say, four years ago. and how is it that last night, out of no where, i woke up and said to myself, "oh. shit." out of no where, i tell you. wasn't thinking about it before i went to sleep or anything, although i can't stop thinking about it now. i literally woke up at 3:30 am out of this dream, and if you know anything about dreams you know that you only remember the last one you had out of many that you will never remember. you always dream and don't always see it.
so the fact that i saw it, and can actually remember it so vividly is... well, it's a pleasant surprise.

i've been thinking allot lately about things i may have missed. opportunities. friends. all because i made a million sacrifices for one person, who really didn't make any back.
i fucked up, he fucked up, we're all fucked up.

i can't get this dream out of my head.

what to do what to do.......

LATER:
ok so i remembered it was five years ago, not four. which made me realize how much time i have spent doing nothing since high school.
i wish i had more guts than i do.

i have the worst cold. EVER.
i took of UPS tonight because i just can't go out there in the cold and rain and let myself get more sick, like i did last night. -_-

ryan broke up with me. it still doesn't feel final, but, you know. all the hesitation at the end of the phone call... makes me wanna rip out my hair. told me not to call him any more, so of course i will. of course i miss him, but i'm so... ughfug.

i made up that word. stressed + exhausted + fed up + miserable = ughfug.

working two jobs is hard. but i guess it's not that bad since both of my jobs are very easy.

i can't wait to catch up, money wise, so i can start rolling in the dough. now, i'm just rolling around in bed and it's not too much fun.

i gotta go before my dad bothers me to death.

i'm waiting for a pizza. isn't that exciting?
i think i'll write a poem.

turtle turtle on the wall,
how is it you do not fall?
all day long you climb and climb,
and all day long i wonder why.

(10 uninspired minutes later)

pizza's here!

bye.

did you ever reach a point in your life where you say to yourself, "shit. i'm screwed."
yeah. totally an awesome feeling.

other than that, thanksgiving was awesome. my aunt and uncle cooked so much food. ryan went to his grandmom's and stayed there last night. :/ i fell asleep trying to work on my story. kinda sucked cause i woke up and my notes where all over the place.

for christmas, i want a new tattoo, a new wii, and the knowledge of where all my other games mysteriously disappeared to.
that's not what i told anybody or put on the polyanna my family and i did. this is what i put for that:
1. Gift Card Borders
2. Cheesecake
3. Gift Card Old Navy
4 ----------------- cash$$?

i'm really very miserable lately, but what's keeping me going is my story and also i'm going to be working two jobs soon so hopefully i wont have time to be miserable. i read alot, and try to forget about my life. i suppose... well actually i *know* this is unhealthy, but it's a temporary solution. used to be i had good friends at UPS too, but now they're gone and i'm left with the most annoying girl ever, who's constant preaching is like having a brain tumor for three hours.
anyway, i highly recommend the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy (and the other books in the series) by douglas adams. i think it's fucking hilarious. makes me feel better any day.
i also highly recommend something called a joint (marijuana crumbled up and rolled into cigarette paper). makes me feel better, but i can't afford it anymore. yay drugs.

i miss kingdom hearts, and zelda, and smash brothers. i used to kick ass at video games and now i am resigned to thinking about kicking ass in video games.

wow what a miserable entry. i should burn it. i'll post a happy picture to brighten up the scenery.























awww... i love kittens. this one kinda looks like my peanut butter. poor guy is getting old.

ok i gotta get off the computer before my sister murders me. and i believe she can, what with all that anime she watches anymore.

well, i've started writing again. *throws a party*
the story is about a young girl who doesn't know how important or powerful she really is. raised by her suppressive uncle, she one day discovers the truth about herself and the world and embarks on a (hopefully) epic and magical journey. Blah blah magic and dragons blah blah sword fights.

anyway, so far i like it. and that's what matters. if i don't like it, chances are no one else will like it either. the main character in all my stories was always Kait Corana, because thats just how narcissistic i am. i've grown out of that and now her name is Helen Corana, after my grandmother. but her friends are the same, Flora, Orion and Gage.

i've been writing it by hand because i can't concentrate enough to write on my dad's computer. so it's going kinda slowly, but i'm getting there. the basis to this story is nearly 9 years old. in a way, i've been writing and shaping and changing it in my head all these years. it's come out tons of times through different stories, but only a few took at all, and none of them lasted. i've picked the better ideas from all of these tales, added some new things, changed alot, and started over.

i'm really nervous writing it, and i've never felt that way when writing before. i think it's because i really want this to be it, and then the Corana story is told. and i want it to be good, something other people could enjoy reading even if i never get it published.

shit! gotta go pick up ryan's mom. fuck. wanted to say more. OK bye.

i could have sworn i updated this recently..... i guess not.
ups is cool. i sometimes dream about endless packages. other times i dream about being at a bar where i don't know anyone, but there are packages, and they look like the kind of packages that we usually load into the plane. i almost fell off this thing called a k-loader yesterday. should have let myself fall. would have got paid out, i'm sure. people are cool, but like most girls of my age, i don't particularly like the girl on my crew. but whatever. girls will be bitches..... er, that is to say, i mean, girls will be girls. yes.
i'm reading through harry potter again, and i'm sure if it wasn't for harry, my life would be much worse. thank you harry, you know i love you, even if you are dumb enough to forget a present given to you by your godfather, a man supposedly very dear to your heart. dumbass. (i'm kinda bitter about book five. harry is sooo stupid in book five. must be the hormones.)
everyone is graduating college. i feel like a loser with a capital L. WTF. no one waited for me?! bitches. (i'm kinda bitter about that too.) fuckingstupidschoolpeiceofshitfuckingmoney........ (make that very bitter.)
i should clean my room. i can't wait to see ryan tomorrow. i miss him. i miss sleeping in his arms. :(

bahhhh im tired of this green puke layout. i'm DYING to write up my own layout. but wtf. maybe i'll just write up some colors and make a background. might be cute. sounds like a fucking plan.

last night i went to go to that tour @ ups and i got lost and came home. i rescheduled for tonight. ryan came into the city to show me where to go. so now i wont get lost yay!

i really hope i get a job there. they will pay for my school and shit o joy. i need to go back to school. this is getting a little bit silly now.

ok, thats all i have to blab about for today. ok bye.

well, i still haven't FOUND a job, but tonight i am going to the ups hub at the airport for a tour and i hope i get the job. the money is not good but the benefits are. they put you in a union and give you health care and money for school. after 90 DAYS. lets seeee..... how long did i wait for that shit from wawa? what? one year? and then another because i quit and came back? what? that's ballsack? yeah i know.
ryan moved out but i feel like not much has changed. i still see him almost every other day because he comes into the city. but now i've run out of money for gas so unless he can come up with money for the train he's stuck there and i'm stuck here.
that's okay. i miss him but i am starting to enjoy the space a little bit. all i have to do to make myself more happy is clean my damn mess of a bedroom. x_x so lazy.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET A JOB SO I CAN BUT SSBB! oh, and i might need a wii too...... :( Merry Christmas, Caitlyn? Anyone? what, it's still feburary? oh well.

adios then.