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make the sun rise in time
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climb the wall to make the sun rise in time [08 Oct 2005|12:59pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

i hate boys. seriously, theyre so complicated.

alex is pissing me off so much. i told james one thing he said and he freaks out on me. james and him were never friends anyways so i dont see why it matters. hes making it sound like i ruined their relationship? whatevz. i miss summer. i miss kara. i miss colin. i miss west virginia. i miss last year. i miss 7th grade spending everyday with lyzzi and gretch. i miss everything right now. i hate these moods i get in. theyre really the strangest things. i also miss marina a ton. i havent seen her in forever. i miss old boyfriends. i always hold onto the past and can never let go. its just that everything i do in life means so much to me and i dont want to ever forget any of it. its who i am.

i miss last year when it used to rain alot and when i used to listen to mae and morrissey and the jealous sound and jack johnson and even though theyre all so different, they fit together perfectly. i remember when it was pouring rain and nice and cloudy and i took my music out and went for a walk and came back soaked to the bone and really happy.
i hope it snows soon and starts to rain and maybe i can go back. i remember my first time reading the perks of being a wallflower and loving it so much. im scared to read it again because i know it wont be the same and im scared that i wont like it anymore.
i remember thwn i slept on the couch in my living room just so i could be closer to the windows and so i could listen to the rain and cry for no reason onther than because it felt good.

Resistance is futile, dont shiver from cold out.
The sunrise is brutal, asleep on the foldout.

2 comments|post comment

[06 Oct 2005|10:16am]
[ mood | content ]

im in the school library. librarys are wonderful. im with lauren and tom because we have to do a project for english on ancient greek fashions. fun? no. i did something really stupid last night. like incredibly stupid, and whenever i do it i always regret it. whatever it doesnt matter now i guess. afterschool christines coming home on my bus to borrow some dresses for homecoming. so i cant stay afterschool. i really wanted to chill with connor but i cant. i mean, i havent chilled with christine in forever so im glad i can finally spend some time with her. but idk. things suck right now. i might be doing something with connor on friday if my mom lets me, lets hope she will. i need to find a really good book to get lost in. and i need stronger sleeping pills. these dont do shit anymore, maybe its because im just worried. who knows. but im going to go. i'll update later tonight.

3 comments|post comment

be still my heart [05 Oct 2005|06:47pm]
[ mood | blank ]

yeah so im using this journal again. im tired of having to keep everything boxed up inside of me. i need to let it all out. lifes going pretty good right now.. i have a new boyfriend, im getting all a's, im getting along somewhat better with my mom.. and then again this are going downhill... people are bitching at me for going to the corner in the morning which automatically makes me a 'failure'. and they all seem to think im going to go nowhere in life. what fantastic friends i have. everything outside is dead. and its making me very depressed. i need to lose 10lbs soon. if i dont, i dont know what im going to do. people are also getting mad at me for hanging out with 'freaks'. just because people dress differently doesnt make them bad people. fuck you. im sick and tired of everyone in our school. i love how people give me shit for going out with connor. big deal? and i love how all the upperclassmen give me dirty looks for no reason. high school definatley isnt what people say it is. at least for me. im in this hazy world and i cant get out of it. i need to punch someone. right now. if screaming into your pillow doesnt work, what does?

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[02 May 2005|04:38pm]
i could give a shit... new journal:





1 comment|post comment

[29 Apr 2005|04:08pm]
new lj. im one on: jamiecopterr and i'll give it to you
2 comments|post comment

[29 Apr 2005|03:12pm]
hi. yeah so nobody really reads my journal anymore it seems. no comments. nothing. i hate our school, the people in it are fucking gay. im not kidding. at times i want to kill them, and ive decided that the only people i'll be telling shit to are: kara, emu and gretch.
at least they know how to keep a secret. everyones so immature. i'll tell someone somthing and then they'll go run off and tell that person what i say. and i hate it when someone has to be right. jesus fucking christ. things are really getting on my fucking nerves. and i want to confront these people, but i cant. i dont want to be mean and im not good at confrontation. sucks to be me. and then i hate how people who read this think i want attention. but you know what i dont. and whoever thinks that and goes and tells people i want attention are really the fucking attention seekers. im making a fucking new journal and its going to be friends only because im sick of all this ridiculous immature shit. grow the fuck up already. im not only talking about people i dont like, im also taling about the ones i thought were my friends. once you read this and decide to grow up then come talk to me. you wonder why half of you cant be trusted? we all know when you are all lying. its obvious. and im sorry, but im sick of it. bye.

if you want to know my new journal name comment on this entry with your screen name and i'll tell you. thanks
11 comments|post comment

[28 Apr 2005|03:00pm]
wow its been forever. sorry i havent written in a while, but there really isnt much to say. anyways i think im making a new journal, and making it friends only because i dont want everyone to be able to read it, you know? but then again, i want my close friends to be able to read it who dont have livejournal. so will everyone leave a comment with a new username they think i should use and if i should leave it friends only? i'd really appriciate it!!
3 comments|post comment

[21 Apr 2005|03:30pm]
i feel like im losing everyone around me. i hate how so many people can act like theyre your friend but really arent. everything is so frustrating right now and so confusing. i think im at that point in life who im realizing who i really am and who my true friends are. middle school is such a joke, and so are the people in it. i hate life right now. i really do. i just wish i could close my eyes and have everything be normal again. i need to let go of the past and move on... thats what is really holding me back and making me sad/angry. but if i do forget it i dont expect it to change everything. and i cant erease anything.. no matter how hard i try. this town, school, home.. its all a prison. and ive realized, love is just a hoax. and i dont think i'll ever love anyone again. im also thinking about deleting my livejournal. bye.
18 comments|post comment

[19 Apr 2005|04:14pm]
i broke up with james last night. not so cool. and now he goes and tells people he dumped me. pretty awesome isnt it. he had no idea how fucking much i cared for him. he underestimated our whole relationship. and to be honest, 2 girls didnt help the situation. he likes sara and niki, but now since hes single and "likes to be free" he can go fuck them for all i care. all he did was flirt with girls and i was a really loyal girlfriend. he was the total opposite.

Image hosted by TinyPic.com
oh no he doesnt flirt. but he flirted with everyone because he knew that as much as he would do it, i wouldnt dump him because i loved him. w.e he can go fucking himself, and he can have a fucking 3some with niki and sara for all i care. i should have listened to everyone when they told me he was using me.

loves a fucking joke.
17 comments|post comment

[16 Apr 2005|09:57am]
so heres the pictures from florida.. after these i'll tell you all about my fucking worst spring break ever.
floridaCollapse )
so florida sucked. and i hate airplanes. we got to florida and, i automatically got my bathing suit on and just jumped in the pool, along with brian. and i tanned for like 3 hours. then we had dinner and unpacked and shit. the usual. so then the next day they fucking woke us up at like 9:30. for no reason, and its spring break so they shouldnt have. it was ridiculous.. they did it every fucking day.. (they meaning my mom aunt and grandma). then the next day we went to universal and it was alright.. scratch the car ride home. but yeah. on the carride home my mom, aunt and grandma couldnt stop insulting me and my sister. it was so bad, it made us both cry. all they do is tell me and my sister that we dont love our parents and we dont appriciate anything and were the most selfish people they know. and they told my sister she was fat. and it was just crazy, so i just listened to my music the whole 3 hours back to her house. and not to mention, i cannot stand the scent of leather, i never could. and a 3 hour car ride stuck in a cadillac with 4 people in the back seat, a 17 year old, 15, 14 and 9 year old. pretty uncomfturable. yeah. so the rest of the week sucked as well. we went to bathtub beach for like 4 hours and got tan. and swam a little bit. me and brian chilled the most i'd have to say. hes the coolest cousin anyone could have. and my mom took my cell phone charger the whole week and wouldnt let me use it, so i called emu from my grandmas phone and paied my cousin 5 dollars to keep a lookout to make sure none of the adults were coming inside. =]. and yeah, we chatted. then robin (my step-grandpas daughter whose like 45) came over, and she brought a photographer with her. since shes a reporter, they travel together. and i felt like i was saved! he brought his mac with him wich had adobe photoshop on it. and omg i was so happy, and he had the most amazing camera.. it was some kind of cannon. and yeah. theres too much to write. besides i got sick of my family. holy shit. and on the plane coming home. i watched the sunset.. which was my first time, and it was so amazing. i felt infinite.
19 comments|post comment

[08 Apr 2005|08:16pm]
just letting you all know that i wont be back until next friday. im going on vacation to florida. i'll be back soon. love you all!!!!!
12 comments|post comment

[08 Apr 2005|04:19pm]
hey everyone. tonight is the first day of spring break. kind of. my night consists of packing for fucking florida (im dreading it). my spring break is going to be a blast huh? spending time with family whom i hate. and airplanes, which im terribly scared of. maybe i should be looking forward to it, but im really not, id much rather stay here, with my friends and chill and party. but NO of course not. it sucks. and im in a really bad mood today, i know i shouldnt be because of spring break and all, but mine is ruined. and i miss james. i really do, i havent seen him in forever. i wish that tonight i could chill with him and emu (we made up by the way). maybe then id feel a little better. one of the reasons i dont want to go is because im going to be missing out on so much here. and then when i come back i'll feel out of place. nobody is going away; christine, kara, james, emu. none of my best friends. but i am. and tonight is brandons party, which i think is going to be really lame and im not going, but james and kara are. and hey guess who else is going! sara. joy. lets watch her and james flirt. when im not there. that'll be great, and make my day even better. anyways, yesterday i went to the dermatologist and she perscribed me 4 medications. one of them were pills and the other 3 were ointments. and in a month i have to go back so she can clear my pores with this metal pointy thing. it should be fun. and even though today is beautiful out, nothing is making me happy. nothing whatsoever. i miss emu and james too much, and i dont want to go to florida, and thats why im upset. im sitting here right now, burning cd's for the airplane and all the songs remind me of summer, which makes me even more sad. k well im crying now. and no im not trying to get attention, because i dont exactly like attention.
11 comments|post comment

[05 Apr 2005|09:16pm]
hey guys. so today i went to barnes and noble (my favorite place on the planet) and got the virgin suicides book (ive seen the movie too many times) and the perks of being a wallflower since everyone says its an amazing book. =]. i was going to get the alice in wonderland book.. i have my moms old copy.. i cant read it enough. i sat in the poetry section for about half an hour just reading sylvia plaths books. amazing. i own the belljar, the journals of sylvia plath, ariels, and the collected poems of her. shes my favorite. yeah tomorrow i have softball practice and i painted my toe nails purple =]. i love the simple things in life. and it was absoutley beautiful outside today. sooo warm. and sunny. i fell inlove with the weather. well im going to go. i urge you all to join my community:

22 comments|post comment

[04 Apr 2005|09:20pm]
surveyCollapse )
9 comments|post comment

[04 Apr 2005|02:29pm]
im at that point again, where im getting sad. thinking about summer makes me cry. everytime. i miss it. spring makes me sad too. its all because of memories. at least my friends make my happy. theyre all ive got. or at least i think so. it feels so good to know that you have friends who would do anything for you. i'll see someone walking down the street and i'll wonder what their life is like. if theyre married, have a girlfriend or boyfriend, have kids, are a loner. i sometimes feel bad for people i see. i saw an old lady pulled over on the road by a cop the other day, she was in tears. it made me all teary. who could give a crying old ladie a ticket? cops are fucking pigs. certain songs remind me of summer. and i keep listening to them, as if i want to be sad and cry? but the thing is.. i dont. i dont want to cry. but hey, it happens to the best of us.

sunday- i went to the diner with alex (i told my mom i was going to the gym) and then we just walked around town and chilled. he always makes me feel better. i love him.

saturday- i was home alone. watched eternal sunshine and saw. then went on the computer and applied for a community and got rejected like i always do =].

friday- i brought my rabbit over to the vet with my mom to get surgery. went to school. went into town with christine and dan, then slept over christines house. went in her hot tub for about 4 hours.
8 comments|post comment

[02 Apr 2005|06:25pm]
reccomend a good book for me to read. with the author.
i'll sing for you or something.
30 comments|post comment

[01 Apr 2005|04:45pm]
join my communityCollapse )
3 comments|post comment

[31 Mar 2005|02:50pm]
so today at school we had carreer day. here were my choices that i wanted to see:
1. coreographer
2. acting
3. enviormental science
4. nature conservation
5. psychology
6. cosmetologist
7. reporter/journalist
8. massage therapy
9. vet
10. manufacturing

the 6 i got to see of of those 10 were:
1. manufacturing
2. acting
3. reporter/journalist
4. massage therapy
5. vet
6. coreographer.

they were all pretty interesting. my favorite was the massage therapy. all the others were kind of stupid. but they didnt have a photographer so i was dissappointed. =[. oh well. its so cute, theres these 2 ducks on my pond and theve been coming every summer and spring for the past 3 years and theyre like dating haha theyre so cute they follow eachother around everywhere. my moms thinking about getting a swan for my pond. pretty interesting. tomorrow im going over christines house and then were going to another secret someones house and going to have fun. yeah. i really hate our school, i cant wait until highschool. so amazing. today christine and gretch sat with me at lunch and we had a really long talk about "him". they helped alot, actually. i <3 them. kara sat with libby. anyways im just rambling on about pointless shit, so this really isnt considered a post i guess. whatever. but anyways, i miss summer so much. thats all thats been on my mind for the past 2 months, and it seems like its never going to come. im getting so fucking fed up with people its disgusting. everyone has been assholes latley, being soo two-faced. i hate it. i can basically not trust anyone besides like 2 of my friends. when will people finally grow up? even my sister and her boyfriend have been jerks latley. and on top of that, people think theyre all "unique and original and different" because theyre all of a sudden "emo/punk" its soo stupid and cliche. i want to kill everyone who considers themselves emo. because noone in my school is. n o b o d y. but they think they are so whatever. i hate depression, zoloft does shit. i just hate this. and i hate everyone right now, not a good day.

13 comments|post comment

[28 Mar 2005|02:53pm]
i know that i just updated but this looked like fun.
quizCollapse )
16 comments|post comment

[28 Mar 2005|02:24pm]
i miss summer. i miss rain storms and the heat and slow cloudy days. summer seems so far away yet so close. but thank god im going to florida on april 9th for a week. i thrive for heat. so kara slept over last night and we played pictionary, snuck out and played ding-dong ditch in the rain, watched garden state and took pictures. so this morning my sister called me and told me her boyfriend brian whose like my brother was coming over since he didnt have classes today. so when he got here we woke kara up. what we did was, brian layed down in my bed and puts his arm around her so i started spanking her and she was like "stoooooooooop" and then she turned over and saw brian and she has the funniest face on. haha. i was thinkng about making her breakfast in bed but i was too lazy. and on saturday night jess slept over so theres picture of her and i too so heres last night and jess and iCollapse )
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