Im not dead..yet

Well i havnt updated this thing in forever..and im in an intelectual mood..so i figured what the hell why not.
Swimming finals for sectionals are tomorrow, sometimes i wonder why i put myself through this. I see the CBA girls doing amanzing and any human being in their right mind would ask themselves.."am I doing the right thing?". I feel so out of place, like 2 diffrent people. Me from CBA and me from Henninger, which one is best, which one is right? How am I, a fifteen year old who dosnt even know what she is doing in her life at any point in time figure out which person she is suppose to be? I have a boyfriend. I feel like i should know about myslef before i try to put everything out on the line and let someone else find all this stuff out about me. Im not going to lie, I can have trust issues especialy when it comes to guys, how am i suppose to know whats right, whats wrong. Is there even such a thing as right and wrong?? Or is it all just some game that people play in their heads. I mean if yout think about it, there is no real right or wrong, its all someones perspective on life, on the situation. So that just tells me my biggest flaw, which is, that i set my perfection level for myslef too high. Too high for myslef to live up too.
On another topic, everyone is so "omg" about finding love. Why? Whats so great about it, you get your heart blown up to the size of an over filled balloon with "love" for someone, just for that person to come along and stick a pin right into the side of it. Yeah that sounds like alot of fun to me....maybe im just comming from a one sided point of view. Ill admitt ive never been in love, ive never kept a boy for long enough to even meet his parents. With mike maybe it will be diffrent. Maybe.