love it or leave it

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 04:47:12 GMT

ok this might sound a little weird but my boobs are out of control!!! im barely fitting into a 34C, and they feel huuuge to me. im sure its from the pill, and its really nothing to complain about, im sure tons of girls would love to have this problem, but its really kind of a hassle. every shirt i own is like hellooooo chest and nothing fits right, since im pretty skinny so if it fits the chest its too big for the rest of me, and if it fits the rest of me its too small for the chest. i guess it will just take some getting used to, but its just weird.

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 07:29:27 GMT

alright so school wasnt AS bad as i was expecting, considering i didnt get gang harrassed by shaunah and izzy and i dont have any classes with them...yet. but i do have two classes in a row with desiree, who is pretty much their bitch. i really liked her until i saw that she doesnt have any backbone and just finds people to go along with and takes on whatever they stand for because she doesnt stand for anything herself. im sick of people like that. but i saw ari and heather which was cool, and i have two classes with chelsea so im pretty stoked. and tomorrow i have ceramics, i am excited to make shit. but everything has a freakin lab fee...come on here government, step it up. i think we have enough army shit by now, let it go.

and i am 18 in less than two months!! i neeeeeeed to find someone to do my tattoo soon. and to figure out something cool to do for a party. jeez i better make some friends fast or it will be an empty party!

i cant find my ipod nano and im freaking out. maybe its in devins car...

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 06:12:30 GMT

fuuuuuck im not ready for school to start. and for some reason, the weather is always like oh schools about to start, time to get shitty. i dont have a zero period which is good cuz i have to be there at 830 instead of 730, but is bad because now i only get out early every other day instead of every day. but i only have two real classes and the other three are photography, ceramics, and art history (which is actually really cool!), so thats good. i just really hope i dont have any classes with shaunah or kitami or izzy. i could just switch out of the class, but that would be a huge hassle and i dont really want to let them win like that.

aaanyways, mom and grama get home tomorrow (theyve been in london and ireland for the last 16 days), so i no longer will have a room/house of my own. boo! fucking caroline needs to MOVE HER ASS OUT. i realized that i never ever call her caroline. its always fucking caroline. ha.

at least i have a sweet, hot, funny boyfriend to make everything better.

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 23:48:38 GMT

why are relationships so hard. i hate fighting with people. i hate being mad and having people be mad at me. i hate being hurt and having to talk about it. i hate never feeling like im good enough. i hate feeling like a drama queen even though i know im not. i hate being compared to other people that do things better than i can. what i really hate is being able to say everything i feel to everyone except the one person who really matters. and i fucking hate crying.

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 20:35:34 GMT

me and devin

sammy!

this is how far back we were, we had lawn seats boo

yay!

YAY

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 06:37:27 GMT

yesssss sammy hagar tomorrow!! its going to be so awesome, especially since devin is coming too. its kinda weird tho, its a little like a double dating situation but with my mom. cuz shes bringing her boyfriend and im bringing mine. and their both geminis and therefore a lot alike. weird!! anyway devins on his way over right now so i should probably go, but i am just so excited for tomorrow!! and if any of you either dont appreciate sammy hagar or (god forbid) dont know who he is, you just lost some serious points.

goodnight! :)

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 21:44:53 GMT

last night was good. i guess its okay if i say his name, since she found out about us anyway. i went to devins and we (sorta) watched fight club till like two in the morning. its weird/cool that he lives on his own, and that he is 21. i thought that was a little old at first, but oh well. i guess were dating now? or maybe were the bf/gf deal? i dont know, but hes a cutie and i like him.

holy crap the hippies are seriously taking over!!!!! and carolines bday party is today, i dont even want to go. i hate her. i really really do, and thats sad because shes my aunt. but shes 24, living at home, has no job, isnt going to school, and is obnoxious to live with. and if she would just fucking move out already, then me and my mom wouldnt have to share a room anymore. bitch.

mike might have gotten arrested today. his band is touring, and they were suppossed to be going into canada today. but mike had problems getting through, so he tried to walk through at a different part and he was like "i think theyre going to arrest me" and then he hung up. that sucks.

ballet tomorrow. tooo eeaaarrrlllyy.

yep

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 02:14:31 GMT

alright. it happened. we kissed.

why

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 06:39:30 GMT

aahh this is getting really bad. the one person i cant date. we hung out all day today, and he keeps telling me how much he likes me and how beautiful and cool i am.....ugh and the worst part is, if i let myself i could probably like him too. but i cant let that happen! i mean yeah, i should be able to date whoever i want...but this would just blow up so big, and i really cant give her anything else to hold against me, especially this. i so do not have the energy (or ANYONE on my side) to deal with what would happen. why do people suck?

bleh

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 08:29:02 GMT

senior pictures are tomorrow, im nervous! i cut my hair yesterday, i hope it will cooperate.

i feel bad. "joel" (i dont want to say his real name on here) and i hung out today, and he was like cuddly and stuff, and i was kind of uncomfortable, and then he was like so youre really not attracted to me at all? i hate those talks. they suck for both people. i feel so bad, for some reason he seems to really like me. and even if i did like him, i just wouldnt even go there, if anyone found out there would be sooo much drama i dont even want to think about it. i hope we can still be friends though, hes really fun to hang out with and hes a really good guy, and just about the only good friend ive had in awhile. aaahh things suck.

on a different note, i think my first tattoo is going to be a flower behind my ear. im scared though, cuz its like on my head and i think its going to hurt like a bitch.
it sounds kinda weird, but i photoshopped what i kind of want it to look like, but i want it just black, and not a rose.

well i guess thats it. goodnight. or morning.

help!!

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 23:59:42 GMT

hey, i know some of my friends on here go or went to either twin lakes church or camp hammer, and i could use your brain! im filling out a job application and can NOT remember camp hammer's director's name! i just keep thinking Yoda, and that doesnt really help me. and is he even still the director? if anyone knows, pleeaase let me know. thanks!!

just venting, dont even bother reading. really.

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 06:19:41 GMT

*sigh* even though its really easy for me to just be mad about the things that have happened (are happening) with shaunah and izzy, i just read all these old lj's and it really made me miss them. we really did have a lot of fun, and we were sooo close we were like inseperable. when did it all get so complicated? i just keep trying to figure out why it all went to hell and what i could have done differently. should i have not been so impatient with izzy? if i had gone to her, in the beginning, as an actual friend instead of the hurt, mean bitch that i was would things have gotten better? i know that she was as bad as i was, but looking back i wish i had the maturity and guts to step up and be a bigger person. anger is a defense mechanism, and i should have seen that. i should have seen what her anger was hiding, and had an honest, yeah like actual HONEST talk about what was really going on with us. id say all these things to her now if i thought shed listen, but i know she wouldnt. in her mind shes worked me up to be this conniving, evil tyrant whos out to ruin her life, and its just so not true. i really would try to talk to her, but ive kind of done the same thing she has: made her out to be way worse than she is. i keep trying to picture talking to her and just keep seeing her screaming at me. or even worse i picture her sitting there, listening to every word, and not hearing anything that im saying. you know what i mean. like theyre listening to you to humor you, but they already know, like they KNOW IT, that nothing you say really matters, because theyre going to keep thinking the same things and believing their version of the story. like theyll listen and they might even say everything is fine, but you can tell that in their head theyre still cursing you. i dont you if you know what im talking about. i would love it even if we could just work this out enough to be able to be around each other, cuz school and theater stuff is just awful, the tension is off the charts and it turns something thats supposed to be fun into a chore. and not just for us, but for a lot of other people which isnt fair and i feel really guilty. but JEEZ we used to have so much fun together! sneaking out on her roof to smoke cigarettes in the middle of the night, dangling our feet off the capitola village bridge and spitting on cars, getting drunk and just hanging out downtown meeting all kinds of people, taking the wrong bus and being stranded in the ass of watsonville, ah theres so much more but it makes me sad to think about it. i mean, she was my best friend for awhile there. she was it. and deep down i really miss her. miss the way things used to be, before boys got in the way and all the jealousy and mistrust took over. i really wish she would stop being so mad at me and see that i just made a couple mistakes because i was hurt and didnt know what else to do. i wish she could see me as a person, flawed and scarred, not as the thing that exists solely to make her life hell. im not a bad person, but i am an imperfect one. and an especially sorry one.

cant sleeep...

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 06:45:59 GMT

even though i know i have to get up early, i cant sleep!

So You Think You Can Dance. wtf im so mad they voted Musa off, Dmitri should have been the one to go. this is a good one tho, i really like everyone on the show and now its gonna be sad to see anyone leave. but i think travis is my favorite, hes so cute and SUCH a good dancer. either allison or natalie is my favorite girl, i cant decide. anyway, if anyone else watches that show then you know what im talking about!

anyways...finally found what im gonna wear for senior pictures...nervous! i hope they turn out good, that would suck if they didnt. ugh i hope shaunah doesnt show up, i really dont want to deal with her. maybe she will forget....? haha probably not.

eh i dont realllly want to take chris's saturday morning ballet, but i need to do some kind of dance over the summer or im gonna start sucking.

and finally...my hand still hurts pretty bad. maybe its just a bone bruise or something but i hope it goes away, its annoying. dont get in a car accident, airbags are MEAN! and they smell.

alight i guess thats all the things on my mind.... oh yeah eddie money is playing at the beach tomorrow and i really wanna go, but so far my only options are to go my mom and her boyfriend and pretend to not see them kissing. (ew!)

goodnight ♥

ugh

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 07:01:16 GMT

wow having zero friends kiiiinda blows. it seems like izzy has seriously done her best to destroy my social life and make all my friends hate me. im really not kidding tho when i say i have zero friends. well, okay i have one friend, but only cuz he wants to get with me, and seeing as hes izzys ex (who shes probably still in love with) it just makes the whole thing even worse. its getting pretty sad. the only person ive seen all summer is jo, and she doesnt live here anymore so now i see no one. is it even worth having friends? they all just seem to turn into raging bitches.

eeeh that was kind of a rant, but it really sucks to have to miss parties and not see my other friends because of her. i reallllly need to just branch out and meet people who arent in their circle at all, cuz this obviously isnt working. too bad im so damn shy, it makes it kinda hard.

well....if anyone wants to hang out. ever. call me!!!!!!! cuz i need some freaking new friends!

WHAT THE FUCK

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 07:59:22 GMT

i am so mad right now that i am physically shaking.

hmm

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 20:06:55 GMT

i kinda miss lj. even though my last entry was a little....yeah. anyway, not all that much is going on. musical tryouts are monday, kinda nervous even though ill probably just try out for dance core. escapade performance is coming up soon. too damn soon for me. getting back into dance is hard after having to sit out for almost a month. i dont know how hard i can safely push myself and it really sucks with the performance so soon. yikes! it should be fun though, although being in 11 dances will be...i dont even know. really hard? haha

im kinda disappointed in my use of semester break. we only really had a good sesh/small party last friday. saturday? no i think it was friday. anyway yeah me and kitami have been hangin out with heather and calen and that crowd and damn they are FUN to party with. laid back, good times with just no drama you know?

i think im going to apply for a job at shoppers corner cuz i need $$ very badly. ooh and kitami and i are joining gold gym on tuesday! very excited about that. eeeh now i have to take the dogs for a walk cuz the landlady is coming by. well hope everythings going well for everyone else and stuff.

later

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 23:12:31 GMT

survey!!!

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 01:53:46 GMT

Time started: 627
*Name:tabi
*Nickname: teev, t, bertha, taboilet, red
*Single or Taken: Single baby!
*Sex: Female
*Birthday: oct 19 88
*Sign: libra
*Siblings: lil bro
*Hair color: ORANGE!!
*Eye color: light blue
*Shoe size: ......5
*Height: 5'4''
*Innie or Outie: super Innie
*What are you wearing right now: jeans, tube tup
*Righty or lefty: righty

~Relationships~
------------------------------------------
*Who are your closest friends? Shaunah, izzy, kitami, chris
*Best place to go for a date: dont matter

~Fashion Stuff~
----------------------------------------
*Where is your favorite place to shop: goodwill
*Do you have any tattoos or piercing? 5 in ears one in nose

~Faves~
------------------------------------------
*Color: gray and brown. midnight blue.
*Number(s):doo and cjhaif
*Food: americanized mexican food (taco bell)
*Boys name: seth and levi
*Girls name: girls suck
*Subject in school: dance!!!!!
*Animal: leopard
*Drink : cream soda and shirly temple
*Celebrity: Milla jovovich
*Sport: dance (YES IT IS A GODDAMN SPORT)
*Veggie: ew sick
*Fruit : pommegrannet
*Fast food place: taco bell.
*Place to visit: eh?
*Month: october (not just cuz my bday)
*Juice: anything
*Finger: middle
*Ice Cream: anything with caramel and no nuts
*Breakfast: mmmmmmm
*Perfume/Cologne : ick that stuff gives me headaches

Have You Ever
------------------------------------------
*Given anyone a bath: no
*Smoked: yeah
*Bungee jumped: HELL NO
*Broken the law: oh yeah
*Made yourself throw-up: yeah. when you know youre gonna anyways, id rather just do it
*Gone skinny dipping: of course
*Been in the opposite sex's bathroom: haha yeah
*Eaten a dog biscuit: i tried the bacon dog stuff.
*Put your tongue on a frozen pole: on my freezer
*Loved someone that made you cry: yes
*Played truth or dare: haaaaaah yea
*Been in a police car: actually no
*Been on a plane: duh
*Been in a sauna: nope
*Been in a hot tub: i own one
*Swam in the ocean: yup
*Ever had a sex dream: pretty much every night
*Cried when someone died: yeah
*Flashed someone: haha yeah
*Lied: who hasnt?
*Sat by the phone all night waiting for a call: perhaps
*Saved e-mails: dunno
*Wished you were a member of the opposite sex: only once a month...haha
*Made out with JUST a friend: uhuh
*Been rejected? of course
*Been in love? maybe
*Used someone: yeah
*Been cheated on? a few times
*Done something you regret?: its not worth it to regret stuff. move on and deal with your choices.

first thing that comes to mind
------------------------------------------
*Red: mean
*Blue: eyes
*Happy: family
*Autumn: leaves
*Cow: tipping
*Greenland: greenland
------------------------------------------
*Your good luck charm: dont have one
*Stupidest thing you have ever done: eh a lot
*Your crush: only like 94238570329 people
*Your most prized possession: ipod
*Last thing you ate: chicken and pasta
*Fave song: way too many
*Best thing that has happened to you this year: hard to say
-----------------------------------------
*Chicken pox: when i was little
*Sore Throat: course
*cold: hah yeahhh
*Stitches: nope
*Bloody nose: once or twice
*Crabs: FUCK NO
------------------------------------------
*Believe in love at first sight: not denying it.
*Enjoy parks: theyre cool to hang out at night
*Like picnics: if its a candy picnic
*Like school: if it didnt starts so damn early
*What schools have you gone to: wow. ok. two schools in south dakota, one in utah, branciforte elementary, valencia elementary, aptos jr, aptos high, harbor high.
*Hate anyone: HIPPIES!!!!!! >:0
------------------------------------------
*Who is the last person that called you: shaunahs mom
*Makes you laugh the most: kitami
*Makes you smile: shaunah and izzy
*Can make you feel better no matter what: shaunah and izzy
-------------------------------
Was the last person
*you touched?:shaunah
*You talked to last:tony
*Messaged: dunno
*You hugged?: izzy
*You Kissed?: i think some foreign guy
*yelled at: my mom

Do You/Are You
------------------------------------------
*Do you like yourself: somtimes
*Do you get along with your family: oh god dont even ask
*DO drugs- nope
*Color your hair?: sometimes
*Piercing below the waist?: holy crap no. OW!!!
*Habla espanol: si yo tengo dos anos in espanol
*Stolen anything ever? kind of
*Obsessive: lol no more like dont care enough
*Compulsive: not so much
*Anorexic: no no no no no
*Depressed? nah
*Suicidal? no

Final Questions
------------------------------------------
Girls Fill Out (for girls ONLY) about guys
------------------------------------------
*Boxers or briefs: boxers
*Older, younger: hehehe YOUNGER...but older is cool too.
*Tall or short: short
*Good or bad guy:both can be hot
*Ear pierced or not: only if he can pull it off
*Stubble or neatly shaved: Shaved
*Studley or cute: studly on the outside, cute just for me
*Dark or blonde hair: either
*Curly or straight hair: aaahhh i love curly hair!!!
*Dark or light eyes: dont matter
*Tan or fair: Tan
*What do you notice first about guys: depends on my mood...
*Shy or outgoing: either
*Six pack: a definite bonus
*Muscular arms: yes mmm
*What do you like the most in a guy: good sense of humor but also a serious side

TIME FINISHED: 651

i'm outta here bitches!

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 21:54:19 GMT

yeah so tomorrow we (jo's fam + me) leave for LA! it will be waaay fun. ill post tons of pics when we get back. YAY.

eeeehh so we've started the process of switching rooms already. i fucking cant believe shes actually making me go through with this. so we got my old bed out of storage cuz it will fit in this room, unlike mine. its really cool. its like a bunkbed but it has a futon for the bottom so it can be a couch or a bed. its pretty awesome. so yeah we set that up in my moms room and moved my brothers bed out into the laundry room for now. the thing that sucks the most is taking all the shit off my walls. every single wall is COVERED with crap. its terrible. its like peeling my life down and throwing it away. i hate it.

theyre redoing our sink. again. the first one they put in was....not working out. see, our bathroom is TINY. i mean like you could only fit two of me comfortably in there. and the first sink they put in was fucking HUGE! it was so big and out of proportion that it was funny. it made it so hard to move around at all and our shelf thing wouldnt fit in there anymore. so now they are back with the drilling and the hammering at 8 in the morning. jeez.

k well i gotta go back and get ready for ballet. oh yeah im gonna miss all my good classes this week, which SUCKS! i cant wait for escapade next year....i hope i get in!!!

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 00:08:46 GMT

i only see you every time i close my eyes

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 06:33:38 GMT

eeehhh this weekend was pretty fun. i think on thursday was when i went to the boardwalk with chris. it was pretty fun. we acted like we were dating and made people uncomfortable. we went bowling and he totally kicked my ass. he got 159. i got 103. but then we went mini golfing and i beat him bad so it all worked out. then he came over to ktoms with me but his mom wouldnt let him stay the night. booooo!
then on...friday? yeah on friday i stayed at jos house and we went and saw The Island. trippy. it was pretty good. scarlet johanson = fucking gorgeous. yeah then we (very poorly) photoshopped some pictures and had way too much fun doing that.
last night was kinda lame but still fun. me ktom and izzy picked up the bikes from jessicas house and barged it to a party like all the was on 16 ave. which was cool for me cuz since we only had two bikes i get to ride on the handlebars which is apparently illegal...? anyway yeah then we just chilled at ktoms and farted around and had fun. izzy left for tribal quest today and will be gone for three weeks. laaame.

ktom got grounded today cuz her mom found liqour in her room. shwag. so pretty much the next two weeks are gonna suck. all my good friends besides chris are gone or grounded. eehh. anyone wanna hang out? 227.0289 warning: im poor. which means i cant do fun stuff like movies or food or other stuff that costs money. yay.

the sequel to eragon comes out in less than a month!!!! seriously, eragon is one of the best books ive ever read. its how harry potter should have been. like its fantasy, but kickass fantasy that doesnt have a bumbling nerd for the main character and has a key to pronounce all the names and places so you can actually understand what youre reading. fucking harry potter.....
anyway right now im rereading the first one and i just cant put it down. its awesome. ive been waiting for like 9 months for the second book to come out. READ THEM!!!!!!

holycrapgoddammitshitfuck

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 05:47:41 GMT

my mom is making me switch rooms with my brother so he wont want to live with my dad!!!!!! in case you dont know, my mom and brother share a room. so now i have to share a room with my mom while my brother gets a room all to himself!! and hes going to be gone on weekends and possible even every other week. what the fucking hell. so hes gone half the time but somehow he gets two of his own rooms and i get none of my own rooms even though im older?!?!?! im fucking PISSED. I HATE MY LIFE. GODDAMIT ALL I HAVE IS MY OWN ROOM I AM GOING TO HAVE SO MANY FUCKING NERVOUS BREAKDOWNS WITHOUT MY OWN PLACE TO ESCAPE TO. I HATE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so go on live your life...but miss you more than i did yesterday

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 05:58:30 GMT

hmm today was stupid. woke up at like 2 in the afternoon cuz i couldnt sleep until like 4 last night. again. man is that getting old. yeah then my hip was hurting like hell. it has been getting progressively worse over the last couple days, but today it was really bad. it hurt to walk. actually it hurt to stand. hell it hurt while i was laying down! but i had ballet today. of course. i tried to dance but it wasnt working and my teacher made me stop cuz she saw how bad it was hurting me. i put a Bengay patch on it, they are pretty cool. and it didnt come off or anything and its still all tingly and warm/cold. my hip feels better now, and im gonna be pissed if its not completely better for annies class tomorrow. lord knows that class is hard enough without that.

bathroom is still down. its really retarded to have to get in your car and drive to someones house every time you have to take a piss. showers have become a delicacy. its not that bad. okay maybe it is that bad but im not really that pissed about it. im not really pissed about anything lately. then again im not really that happy about anything either. ive been kinda numb for awhile. i think thats bad but i dunno since i dont really have any emotions. im thinkin its very likely fom the whole boyfriend being sent away shit. i dunno its weird. like i dont feel like anything really matters. i feel like im just killing time. but theres nothing that im waiting for. not that i know of. ive been trying to get away from it by partying, but its like making it worse. yeah i need to stop drinking and staying out all night so much. eehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im confused.

tomorrow i might hang out with jo. that would be cool. i keep hanging out with people i dont know or people i do know but dont really even like that much. it would be nice to be around an actual friend. seems like im short of those these days.

yay

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 21:46:49 GMT

wow last night was fun! shawn was having a bonfire and we thought it might be kinda lame, but it turns out that he is in this foreign exchange student program and has two french guys staying at his house and like all these other french and spanish guys were at the bonfire. they were all pretty hot too. it was funny cuz they dont speak english that well and have those really sexy accents. so we are gonna be hanging out with them tonight and tomorrow night too. izzy cant come tonight cuz she has to babysit her grandparents. lame! oh well she can come tomorrow so that will be fun. and tonight may not be that good anyway cuz there might be parents there which means it wouldnt be able to be anything like last night. damn last night was fun. those foreign boys sure are aggressive tho, if you know what i mean. not that im complaining!

haha but yeah....besides that....i still have no bathroom. i mean we dont have anything right now. meaning no toilet. it fuckin SUCKS. which is why im at kitamis right now. well thats not why im here but its definitely a bonus. they should finish our bathroom this weekend, cuz it was supposed to be done today. but who knows.

oh doode i am so sore from dancing. but jazz/rock is way fun, even though it practially killed me. im gald to be doing jazz again, ive been over ballet for awhile but i know i needed to take it to keep my technique up. i really hope i get into escapade next year cuz it would be really fun. everyone tells me that im gonna get in, especially the people that run it, but i dunno im still worried. i would be really bummed if i didnt. wow im ranting. ok well im gonna go and watch cops because its on tv. yay for tonight and tomorrow.

i only see you when i close my eyes

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 09:28:05 GMT

wow insomia really sucks. i laid in bed for like 4 hours and couldnt sleep. i can never sleep these days. and what does my mind wander to in all these sleepless hours? my boy. and how hes gone. and how i cant know how he is. cant know when i can communicate in any way with him. cant know if he misses me. i ve written him so many letters, all unsendable. even if i could write him, they are all too depressing and i wouldnt be able to send them anyway. hes fading away. its getting hard to remember him. i cant remember how his laugh sounds or the way he smells. its like i never had him. the past few months were a fantasy, but now its more a like a nightmare. at first i never wanted to wake up. now im almost sure i never will.