Title: It was enough
Type: Oneshot, but should be read after
Dreams
Smile
Everything you’re not
Please
pairing: yunjae
rating: g
Extract:
He had refused to take the ring out of the box; pretending his heart was still his to give. Except it wasn’t. He’d already given it away a long time ago, to a boy with big eyes and a big heart and what had he done.
It was a lie, he was a lie, and Jaejoong didn’t know and Yunho had never told him he loved him.
He had picked it up and answered it before he could stop himself
“Yunho its two in the morning” Pretending he hadn’t been waiting up. Hoping against hope for the tell-tail sound of keys in the lock and unmistakeable footsteps down the hall.
“You better have a bloody good excuse for this” He chastised, secure in the knowledge that Yunho couldn’t possibly see his smile.
“Um… is this Jaejoong?”
And he froze, because that wasn’t Yunho and of course he wouldn’t have spent the evening along and what did Jaejoong expect. So he closed his eyes and pretended he couldn’t feel his heart breaking.
“Yes this is Jaejoong. Can I help you?”
“Actually….. um, its about Yunho. I’m so sorry. I know its late. But I didn’t know what to do and I’m so sorry. Did I wake you?” Her voice was high pitched, frantic and Jaejoong felt his heart stop. Did something happen. He shouldn’t have left Yunho there by himself. What if he was hurt? Jaejoong had been so stupid, so petty, and so sickingly jealous. And he couldn’t move, couldn’t’ breathe.
“Yunho he – “ She continued, hesitant.
“Is he alright? What happened?” Jaejoong interrupted, swept his keys off the table, forgot his coat and was halfway out the door when,
“..Jaejoongie? …Jaejoongie is that you? You’re voice sounds so funny” And Jaejoong sagged against the door frame because his legs couldn’t hold him up and he had never felt so relieved in his life.
“Yunho” He hissed “Yunho, you idiot” Jaejoong felt like punching him. Or crying. Or both. But he just clenched onto the phone, white knuckled, pressed the receiver to his ear and listened to Yunho’s drunken giggles and the tinkering of glasses in the background.
This wasn’t like Yunho, and something wasn’t right but at the moment Jaejoong couldn’t care less because he could hear the smile in his voice, could recognise that laughter in his sleep and the situation was so bitterly ironic, because it was usually Yunho cleaning up Jaejoong’s mess that he almost burst out laughing. Or crying.
Or both.
“Yunho? Yunho, listen to me. Stay where you are okay? Don’t move. I’m going to come get you”
And he went back inside and found his coat because Yunho would be cold. And Jaejoong couldn’t help smiling, just a little because Yunho still needed him. And that was enough.
~~~~~~~~~
He found him by the bar, bent over a glass of something golden, and she was fluttering around him, wringing her hands, looking so out of place and helpless that Jaejoong almost felt sorry for her.
Then she looked up, saw Jaejoong and her face sagged with relief, and thank you, and I’m so sorry. And Jaejoong gently brushed her hands away, and sent her home in a taxi with his coat and no its not our fault and yes I’ll tell him to call, before tipping off the bartender and wondering when things had started going so wrong.
“Yunho” Gently, and again, “Yunho” Because Yunho was looking at him without seeing him and it scared Jaejoong because, what’s wrong and its alright and Yunho, look at me.
“Joongie!” And then he was giggling and Jaejoong almost burst out laughing at the posterity of it all, and if he hadn’t been so busy half carrying Yunho to his car and when had he gotten so heavy and was Yunho sniffing him?
“Have you been smoking again Jae?” Yunho sounded almost scolding even though it came out as more of a whine. Jaejoong snorted in derision, and felt ridiculously guilty and maybe he shouldn’t have gone through that packet earlier and his voice would suffer but he needed it, needed this; but Yunho was drunk. And Jaejoong thought bitterly that he didn’t have the right to care. Had given that up a long time ago.
Jaejoong was fumbling with his keys when Yunho suddenly had him backed up against the car. Jaejoong let himself be pushed back, while wondering idly whether that was her perfume smothering Yunho’s jacket.
But Yunho looked so earnest, so Jaejoong let himself forget for a moment that this wasn’t his to keep.
“I miss you”
And Jaejoong closed his eyes and wished and wished that this would be enough
“I’m right here” He said
“I know… M’sorry” Yunho sighed and let Jaejoong push him off and guide him into the passenger seat,
listening as the door slammed shut behind him and felt like crying.
The drive home was silent, and the air between them was heavy with everything Jaejoong couldn’t say and Yunho didn’t want to hear.
Jaejoong switched on the radio once. Heard his own voice echoing back at him, fly away and turned the knob until there was static and left it there.
He wasn’t sure if he felt relieved or disappointed when Yunho reached across and turned it off.
~~~~~~~~~~
Jaejoong pulled into the garage and helped Yunho out of the car. The other man was silent and he was so cold or maybe it was his own hands that felt like ice. Jaejoong wasn’t sure.
They watched the chrome hand on the old elevator shift backwards and the doors slide open and closed again. Neither of them got off and if Jaejoong closed his eyes, it almost felt like flying.
Yunho was numb all over, or maybe he was just really really wasted because there was a rushing in his ears and all he could see was Jaejoong, and oh god he had made the biggest mistake of his life.
fly away
And now it was too late.
fly away, love
The truth tightened around him like chains, gorging their way into his chest. He had refused to take the ring out of the box; pretending his heart was still his to give. Except it wasn’t. He’d already given it away a long time ago, to a boy with big eyes and a big heart and what had he done.
It was a lie, he was a lie, and Jaejoong didn’t know and Yunho had never told him he loved him.
And when Jaejoong helped him into bed, turned down the light and the covers, Yunho pretended to be asleep, listened to him breathing, crying, and felt his heart break into more pieces than it was made of.
Jaejoong thought that if life gave him another chance he wouldn’t do anything differently. If he could just keep this moment, the moon light spilling onto Yunho’s sleeping face, the taste of a stolen kiss, whiskey and tears, on his lips, it would be enough. He could stay drunk on this moment forever.
And when he woke up in the morning and Yunho told him without looking at him that he was getting married, Jaejoong realised that it would never be enough.
A/N
Here's the next one :) i really hope you liked it, i tried my very best! but im sorry about the sad ending. Dont worry tho! its not the last chap yet :) ... just bear with the horrible angst for now?
i'll be moving soon for med school overseas, so i dont know when i'll next be able to post, but dont worry, i wont forget our precious yunjae, and i'll get back to task as soon as i can.
once again, please let me know what you think! i treasure all my reviews :) they always make me very very happy!