let's burn our dreams into the skyline...

I've been thinking a lot lately, about my life and where it's going. And about writing. Mostly writing. I used to write almost every day even if it was only on here but now I barely write anything that isn't for a class. And free reading has been almost non-existent in my world as of late. But I need to change that, I miss free reading and writing and Sarah Dessen books...a lot. I read Just Listen today for the oh I don't know the millionth time. I forgot how much I love her books, I just get lost in them and I feel everything she writes. I know they're YA books but when I started reading them I was a young adult so I'm entitled. It's a nostalgia thing. It brings me back to when books were an escape from life for me. I used to just leave behind stupid high school drama that I never understood and I got to live as someone else for a while. And lately there's been enough drama that I feel like I'm still in high school. I just expected things to be different after senior year but this past year has felt like a step back. I spent four years trying to escape high school...so why am I the one being dragged back into it? I'm just...at a loss I guess. So now I'm going to try to be more organized and fit in reading and writing and everything else I liked to do when I was younger. It kept me sane when everyone else around me broke down and became cuckoo banana crackers. And right now, I really need that. Later Lovers.

( shuffle. )

I feel fairly confident in the fact that no one will read this because well, no one ever did. This is practically my own journal where nothing unwanted can seep in and nothing I want kept private can get out. So here it goes:

My roommate and friend is depressed. Clinically so and has been since before high school. I knew of her condition long before we moved in but here's the thing, I thought she was better. I thought she was doing okay. I thought wrong.

My other friend was recently diagnosed with depression too. She's always had problems but this just added a new layer to everything that she's going through. Her boyfriend breaking up with her was just a catalyst to this new layer of depression. No one here is to blame, she's not to blame.

Realistically I know that it's a chemical imbalance that causes this and that can be remedied with medication and therapy. But here's the thing I'm stuck on, who the hell is going to help me? Who's going to deal with my crazy when I have a mental breakdown from all of the stress that a normal college student has piled on top of my friends breaking down. I know that it's not my responsibility to take care of them, to coddle them, to make sure they get help. But if I don't, no one else will. I basically only know selfish people. Those who admit their selfishness and those who will never admit that they are selfish, I deal with both. I'm a pretty selfless person and I don't say that to sound higher than I am or to make everyone I know out to be a bad guy. I say that because it is my worst quality.

I hate that part of myself that feels like it needs to fix everyone because it's getting me nowhere. I can't help anyone. What the hell kind of social worker will I make if I can't even help the people around me? I can't help my depressed friend, my selfish friends, or my family. I take everything on me, I blame me because it's what I know. Everything that I experience is on me, I'll take it all on my shoulders because no one else is to blame. No one. I should be able to fix this because it is what I do. Except for the fact that lately, I can't help anyone. I should just give up now because it's never going to work. For the first time in a long time, I can't help.

Scariest of all, if I'm not the helper, the bleeding heart social worker...who the fuck am I?

...Later Lovers.

This has been the year for truly horrible season finales.
I think I've cried over a good majority of them.
This season has been worse than the Tosh/Owen Torchwood disaster.
The one that made me cry the most, Grey's of course.
Shonda Rhimes is seriously trying to kill me.
That is really all I have to say right now.
And yes this was a pointless entry but aren't all of mine?
Later Lovers.

Everyone's out living their lives tonight.
I hear them on the floor above me, bass blasting out a mindless tune.
Everyone's out.
And I'm spending my night...I guess morning now watching Felicity.
Don't get me wrong, I chose this. But still.
I keep thinking about all of the things I want and they just all seem so unattainable.
It's...disheartening.
I feel like I should give up before I even try.
Why even bother really?
I'm just...tired, exhausted actually.
Later Lovers.

I feel like a secondary character in my own life.
How did it get to this point? Why did I let it get this far?
I miss my old friends, sometimes I miss my new friends too.
Or how they used to be anyway.
Everyone around me is changing, not always for the better.
Usually everything's good, everyone's happy and fun.
Not bitchy and cynical and depressed.
I need a vacation. An actual one.
I don't care where I go just as long as it's not anywhere I've been.
Sometimes I want to scream and yell and kick.
I want to shout and make a scene.
I want what I can't have and it only makes me want it more.
Wishing I could be different hasn't gotten me anywhere.
Maybe I can try a new tactic?
Later Lovers.

My days are essentially the same lately:
Work, class, homework, dinner, homework, watch How I Met Your Mother.
The last one is the fun part of my day.
But sadly I am finished with seasons 1 & 2 so now I just have to go out and buy season 3. (sarcastic)Damn!
In fact, HIMYM inspired the soon to be fun-filled weekend of laser tag at Great Skates. Everyone who's anyone is going. Me, Kaley, Rachel, Cassie, Jess, Alana, Wally, and Alan. And maybe Nate and Gagne...I don't think anyone's asked them yet. Anyway, the schedule goes as follows:

Saturday-day of epic-ness:

Pancakes
Bullmoose Music
Starbucks
HIMYM Marathon
Scategories
Laser Tag

Alan even promised to "Suit Up!" so it should be pretty exciting. That is all.
Later Lovers.

Okay so not too much has been going on lately.
I haven't worked every single day this week so I've actually had time to relax.
I go back to school Sunday morning and there's still so much to do but I don't seem to have gathered enough momentum to do them. Oops?
And I might hang out with Taylor and Angela tomorrow. I forgot how much I like hanging out with them, all three of us together used to be like an everyday thing back in the day. It's nice to have that again.
So where was I? Oh yeah, relaxing. It's nice. I forgot what relaxing was like.
I've made some icons, started writing some fic, did some free reading, watching a boatload of NCIS because hello, I'm only waiting on the edge of my seat for the unrequited Tony/Abby love to blossom. I actually discovered a NCIS slash site the other day...it was disturbing if only because of the sheer volume of Gibbs/Ducky stories. That's just unnatural on several levels.
Anyway, there's still a lot to do but I did manage to get some things done. I finally got a haircut! Seeing as it had been a while...I'm ashamed to admit, it was indeed time. It's a bit shorter than I wanted but hopefully it looks okay. I'm never a good judge of these things.
I'd post pictures but I haven't taken any yet so it's quite impossible to do so.
We got more snow here. Surprise, surprise. As long as the roads as crystal clear (not with ice) on Sunday I couldn't care less.
Oh and my car's finally fixed! No more check engine light!
And I love how I can pick out voices within songs. Because FBR and Decaydance Records are very incestuous. Oh Brendon Urie how your voice lulls. Anywhoo, that's all for me.
Later Lovers.

Okay so I'm not sure this update has a point but...

This is possibly the coolest thing I've ever seen:
http://www.cmarket.com/auction/item/Browse.action?_sourcePage=%2Fitem%2FbrowseImage.jsp&sort=NAME_ASC&page=1&auctionId=73509724&view=IMAGE

Meg Cabot (author of the Princess Diaries) is holding a tiara auction to benefit The New York Public Library. It's a kind of brilliant idea really. And the tiaras are all spectacularly done. My personal favorite is AnnaSophia Robb's. Meg Cabot's is a close second though. You should definitely check them out because the designs are wonderful. That is all.

That about covers it for today.
Later Lovers.

Another sucky New Years, not that I should be surprised.
My life seems to be quite sucky lately.
I get yelled at for no reason, I work all the time, and I miss being able to be me more than anyone can imagine. I feel like I can't be myself until I set foot on Orono soil. It's almost as if I don't exist unless I'm walking across campus leaves crunching under foot. I have no personality, no being, no sense of existence. I am an invisible girl in a not nearly silent enough world.
I miss my life.
Is it January 11th yet?
Later Lovers.

Worked today...shocking I know. lol.
I wish I time for free reading. I kind of miss it.
And I miss school which I never thought would happen but I do.
But a CSI:NY marathon will brighten my mood.
Detective Don Flack Jr. always does that.
He's just so...NYPD Blue...but sexy.
I love it when he interrogates people.
That's actually kind of a weird kink.
That and my attraction to men who can lean well. Jason Dohring anyone?
One day my obsessions and attractions may get me into trouble.
But for now I will will revel in my craziness.
My poor car's in the shop, finally getting fixed.
The check engine light's been on for about a month.
That's probably not good right?
Anyway, I miss my little Nugget right now and I wish her good health.
I trust Mike Mitchell with her delicate, tiny frame...kind of.
Okay I have to go be less insane in the membrane now.
Later Lovers.

( youcouldhaveknockedmeoutwithafeather )

I must share with you the Sexy Wrap song (set to the tune of SexyBack):
I'm bringing sexy wraps. What.
That sandwich don't know how to act. Yup.
If you're a burger better watch your back.
^That's all she has so far. But it's pretty good, no?
Thank you very much Kaley. One day she will be an amazing lyricist.
Went to Year With Frog and Toad today with Rachel, Kaley, and Greg.
It was pretty fantastic. But I am a fan of musicals so yeah.
But something was a bit...off with the show.
I believe the reviews will state: "More gay jokes than you can shake a stick at."
There was an awkward sledding scene in which Toad was scared so Frog re-assured him. Exact quote: "I'll be right behind you." And boy was he.
Seriously, maybe I'm deranged but why is a children's play so utterly gay? (excuse the rhyme)
But anyway, the play was amazing. Any musical that has a song devoted to cookies and how awesome they are is good in my book.
Plus Hans was in it. I have an unnatural attraction to him. I saw him in State of the Union earlier this year and he was great in that too. Kaley thinks he should be the next Doctor. I'd vote for him. He's quite tall, lanky, and dapper.
Not sure why I'm mentioning all of this but hope you guys enjoyed it.
Oh! And I get to see Taylor tomorrow because she's coming to Bangor and we're going to go to The OG and have lunch and I've missed her and it will be great and I really need to study for finals but I'm procrastinating as per usual and this is a horrible sentence and I can't believe I'm an English major and now I'm done.
Later Lovers.

But the driveway's clear
You pray for silence
Step into my quiet violence
Do you see pictures in my words?
Standing still, I'm moving faster
Searching out my next disaster
You're gonna get what you deserve.

( yearsofwatingnothingfading )

My life now revolves around Emily Dickinson. I'm reading her for English, doing projects, papers, and group assignments on her, I went to a poetry reading today...all with her poetry for her birthday.
So as I said, my life revolves around Emily Dickinson.
But after taking a much needed (2 second) break from Emily I watched Jay Leno.
And much to my shock, Will Smith was the guest.
AND...we share a birthday! Will Smith and I celebrate on the same day!
DOUBLE AND... Stephen Colbert is going to be on Conan next!!!
So sleep is not in the cards for me right now.
Think about it, Conan and Colbert...singing and Christmas specials.
Is there anything greater than that?
I didn't think so.
Okay, I'm done with my mindless babble about late night talk shows.
Later Lovers.

Okay so I just have to ask this.
What's the point of writing when everything that's come before is better than anything that could ever come after it. Why do people continue to write?
Why is everything simply the knock-off, of the knock-off, of the original?
Are there no original ideas left?
Just sending that little blurb out in to the atmosphere makes me feel better somehow.
And I may never write anything worthy of well...anything.
But I won't be alone in it. We can all thank our (un)lucky stars for that.
Later Lovers.

Oh yes America, you were indeed Rickrolled...on Thanksgiving no less.

iPod Shuffle Meme

1. Put your iPod on shuffle, or for all you ipod-less ppl put your song list on your computer on shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

( ShuffleAway... )

I know this is a bit late but...
(((((TWILIGHT!)))))
Yes I am a fangirl. And no, I don't hide it...well.
Okay so yeah the movie was good. For the most part.
The editing left something to be desired and yes the sound effects could have been better. But Robert Pattinson was amazing and that was enough somehow. I think it was the grey jacket. It glamored me somehow.
Anyway, I'm done with being a crazy fangirl for now.
So I was watching SNL tonight which was fantastic because of Blizzard Man. Oh Andy Samberg and your crazy antics. Any skit that makes fun of T-Pain is okay by me.
I guess that's enough for now.
Later Lovers.

DAVID TENNANT'S LEAVING DOCTOR WHO!?!
WHY DAVID WHY?
SAY IT AIN'T SO!
WHY AM I YELLING?
Please someone tell me this is an elaborate prank.
You know, one of those silly British traditions that us crazy Americans don't get.
Please?
Later Lovers.

(p.s. It looks like it's going to be an Olive Garden kind of night)
(p.p.s. I'm looking forward to Dr. Sexy McCamo Pants tonight on Grey's)
(p.p.p.s. I'm still mad about the DT thing.)

This week has been suck, upon suck, upon suck.
Today was my 3rd test in as many days.
Tonight I have to write 2 papers and such.
Did I mention sucky? Oh yeah...I did.
But House was fantastic last night.
OMGHUDDYOMGHUDDYOMGHUDDYOMG!!!
That scene was such a Yatta!Moment.
If you don't know what that is, watch Heroes Season 1, it'll all become clearer.
Off to Wells to earn my minimum wage.
Later Lovers.