My roommate and friend is depressed. Clinically so and has been since before high school. I knew of her condition long before we moved in but here's the thing, I thought she was better. I thought she was doing okay. I thought wrong.
My other friend was recently diagnosed with depression too. She's always had problems but this just added a new layer to everything that she's going through. Her boyfriend breaking up with her was just a catalyst to this new layer of depression. No one here is to blame, she's not to blame.
Realistically I know that it's a chemical imbalance that causes this and that can be remedied with medication and therapy. But here's the thing I'm stuck on, who the hell is going to help me? Who's going to deal with my crazy when I have a mental breakdown from all of the stress that a normal college student has piled on top of my friends breaking down. I know that it's not my responsibility to take care of them, to coddle them, to make sure they get help. But if I don't, no one else will. I basically only know selfish people. Those who admit their selfishness and those who will never admit that they are selfish, I deal with both. I'm a pretty selfless person and I don't say that to sound higher than I am or to make everyone I know out to be a bad guy. I say that because it is my worst quality.
I hate that part of myself that feels like it needs to fix everyone because it's getting me nowhere. I can't help anyone. What the hell kind of social worker will I make if I can't even help the people around me? I can't help my depressed friend, my selfish friends, or my family. I take everything on me, I blame me because it's what I know. Everything that I experience is on me, I'll take it all on my shoulders because no one else is to blame. No one. I should be able to fix this because it is what I do. Except for the fact that lately, I can't help anyone. I should just give up now because it's never going to work. For the first time in a long time, I can't help.
Scariest of all, if I'm not the helper, the bleeding heart social worker...who the fuck am I?
I feel fairly confident in the fact that no one will read this because well, no one ever did. This is practically my own journal where nothing unwanted can seep in and nothing I want kept private can get out. So here it goes: