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21 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
Life. [10 Mar 2007|01:02am]
I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper again, into depression, like before. I don't know how or why this happens to me, but I know the worst hasn't come yet... that's sort of how depression hits. Gradually...then suddenly.
I feel like if I can just get back on some kind of anti-depressant I can go back to being the numb/possibly-happy/not-so-sure of anything girl who can wake up in the morning and not be so angry at the world for doing so.
I am incredibly selfish when this happens to me. I make everyone around me sit with me while I slowly spiral into some kind of insane person that everyone loved when they first met. And I feel sorry for these people, and I see how rediculous I am, but I can't stop myself. That's the thing...I see myself doing these things as if i'm sitting beside myself and I have the ability to shake myself and say, "stop this! Can't you see how fucked up you're being!?"...But, I never do. If I did and I couldn't stop myself, and all that is false, I'm afraid I would just go completely mad and lose myself forever.

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction...

I am so tired. I am twenty-one and I am already exhausted.

say what you want to say
[09 Nov 2006|05:21pm]
I can't keep track of anything, anymore.

say what you want to say
[02 Sep 2006|03:58pm]

my pet!

21 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
i've chosen darkness... [12 Aug 2006|01:40am]
I'm thirsty, I miss Joe, AND i've gained about 15 pounds in the past month.
tomorrow is fasting, diet, and gym starting at LEAST 3 times a week until i'm
the perfect weight. fuck being fat.
fatty fatty. hahaha.
It's 2am and Joe just called me and he's at the apple store buying a new computer.
i'm gonna go eat fishsticks and take exlax.... i'm just kidding.
But i am gonna go watch tv and smoke the rest of my cigarettes.
fuck off.

say what you want to say
i wish i had a sylvia plath [24 Jul 2006|10:32am]
I am doing the best that i can...
So, I start classes for math and history, so i can hopefully go for night classes at bay state starting in january. (long story, but we'll see what happens.)I actually think I might have a class today, which sucks because I have no gas or money for gas, and I'd really rather not walk.
In the midst of my sleep deprivation last nite, i decided to clean and rearange my room, and cleared a space for a mini bar, which i also decided last nite that i'm getting. This way I won't end up spending so much money at the bars, or have to run to the packy every 6 hours, and fuck all the minors I know. I am so done, unless there is an excellent tip in it for me.
Oh shit, so they're opening up a 21+ arcade right down the street from me. Needless to say, i'm fucking ecstatic, and what makes it even better, is it's really pretty close to the gym I go to, also... well the gym, i need to go to more often, i just need to get my membership back, which i'm hoping isn't going to cost me, my soul. I just can't afford to be broke all month again. i.need.a.job.
I saw Christian this morning, which is normal because i only see him at random and spuratic times. I sort of wish I saw him more, someimtes, but that's life. There's too many people to miss and it's just not worth thinking twice in one day about, really.
I need $4.00 for gas...class at 6:00pm.

23 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
[23 Jul 2006|01:04pm]
i have not written in this thing in so long... (i couldn't remember my password for a while) but... well, i'm bored so here i am. A million things have changed, not a lot I really care to talk about i guess.
I got money cand completely revamped my room... again. Also, I finally got a vespa... ok it's a geely but EVERYONE things it's a vespa so they can just go ahead and think it if they really want.
Ummm... I don't really know, not so much has changed...i am 21 now tho, which sucks.
oh and i'm not blonde anymore... i hate it.
anyway's... here's my new hair, and face.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
this is my "vespa" i look so dorky it's unreal. and... i like it.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
this is my second newest tattoo (the newest is "sex and violence" uner my boobs.)
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
alright... that's enough for now... i knwo i'm missing tons of shit that's happened but fuck it.
rock n roll.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

say what you want to say
[13 Mar 2006|04:52pm]
an old poem i wrote....

she found her shakespear,

he found his muse.

third times' a charm?

macrobiotic, labodomy

thunderstorms, and she performed a

vivisection on her own naked body

and she bled for everyone she ever knew.

i remember, i danced in a downpoor

with a boy, i used to adore.

we both wore smeared eyeliner

and whole hearted smiles.

who knew veins could burst like that?

she imagined the color perfectly.

crimson is such an ugly word.

he danced like a girl, in all the black

he hid himself, behind.

we took polaroids of suicide, and

frowned at nothing.

years ago, i wnet to paris in a dream, and

fell in love with a boy that had the same eyes as me.

a tragedy.

i was his muse.

he was my shakespeare.

say what you want to say
[17 Feb 2006|04:53am]
Quickie: Think about what will make you feel good and then spend some time doing it today.
Overview: As charming as you are, some people just refuse to be swayed. Stop pouting. Sometimes there's nothing to be done but shrug your shoulders and move on. Frankly, it's their loss, and you have better things to do.
Gemini Gemini
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
After all that tension and nonsense, you're golden. The universe has finally seen fit to arrange for things to go easily for you -- yes, just this once. And as for that new admirer who hasn't exactly been easy to get together with? All those roadblocks will be removed and connecting will actually be easy. Now stop worrying about what's in the past. It may not have been pleasant, but it's over.

21 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
[25 Jan 2006|01:09am]
(AP) A 20-year-old girl who was found dead last month had been raped and bound and may have been buried alive behind the mobile home where her alleged killer was living, prosecutors said in newly released documents.

Jessica's body was found buried about 150 yards from her home.

According to the documents, Jessica was found wearing shorts and a shirt — different from the pink nightgown her family said she was wearing when they reported her missing.

The body was wrapped in two plastic trash bags knotted at her head and feet in a grave covered by a mound of leaves, the state attorney's office said in the documents.

Detective David Strickland wrote that Jessica's hands appeared to be bound in front of her with speaker wire. Strickland also wrote that a medical examiner noted signs of sexual battery.

Jessica died of asphyxiation, according to a coroner's report. A convicted sex offender, was charged in her slaying. He has pleaded not guilty.
Officials said they believe Jessica may have been alive in his home while police and volunteers searched for her. After she was killed, he fled to Georgia.

21 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
she lived like a murder, but she died... just like suicide. [24 Jan 2006|07:13am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Year 2006 Romance

Your romantic outlook for the months of January through March is likely to match the weather you're used to seeing around that time: overcast, with scattered sun breaks. You have plenty going on -- so it's not that. The fact is, you're having trouble explaining to yourself what a certain relationship means to you, and it's worrisome. Your inability to predict where the relationship is headed will send you into fogs of ambiguity that may even confuse other aspects of your life. Hold up an umbrella against the inclement psychological weather and soldier on.

By the time spring rolls around, you'll experience an emotional breakthrough. You'll either figure out how to fix the relationship or you'll move on. It's perfect timing, because in April you're likely to start seeing a close friendship in an exciting new light. A smile held a moment too long, an absentminded brush of a hand -- you'll notice signs at the beginning of the month that may blossom into a real romance by month's end, as long as you're willing. It's a good time to try something fresh, like taking a romantic weekend trip to that mineral lake the locals claim has healing powers. Let your shared skepticism and -- could it be? -- a tiny spark of belief bind the two of you together. Just be sure to take things slow and nurture your friendship alongside this potential flame.

2006 will bring other big developments on the romance front as well. It's a perfect year to put tempests behind you, because you have so many sunnier options on the horizon. Be careful not to dismiss suggestions from relatives out of hand. If your parents or siblings want to introduce you to someone they're sure you'll love, don't mock the idea immediately. Your family might know you better than you think, and as long as you make it clear that you're just trying the date on a lark, no one's feelings will get hurt. Stay open to any option that floats your way.

Year 2006 Romance

If nothing else, the first half of 2006 will be fantastic for your self-esteem. And it won't cost you a thing. There's no need for expensive counseling or self-help books when it seems like everyone around you is singing your praises. Revel in the unexpected recognition of your attributes and talents, and don't be surprised if romantic overtures accompany the hearty compliments.

In the relationship department, this situation could be exactly what you've been looking for -- or it might turn you off a certain overly enthusiastic individual forever. If you're single, you're likely to be approached by someone you'd never quite thought of as a serious prospect. The other person may feel far more passionately than you do. If you're not prepared for the exclusive relationship they propose, then respect your own instincts and don't allow yourself to be persuaded. The sweet talk can only last so long. If you've already got a special someone, showers of praise and material signs of affection from your partner certainly aren't going to hurt your relationship. Just make sure to accept the flattery with grace, and you'll feel incredibly close to your partner as the year progresses.

Later in the year, you may have to wean yourself from the unsolicited accolades. But don't worry -- you won't need verbal signs of affection when people's actions make their respect abundantly clear. You'll rack up admirers like other people collect fine bottles of wine. During the first three weeks of November, a blast from the past may surface. Even if this person isn't begging for another chance, they're probably testing the waters to see if you'd be willing to give it another go. Honestly ask yourself if you think things would be appreciably different; if the answer's no, retreat before any damage is done. In the early winter, look for a new face or even a foreigner to make an entrance into your life. You'll instantly recognize this person as friend or foe, so go with your gut when it comes to making decisions about the future.

say what you want to say
just so you know... [21 Jan 2006|03:15am]
every time you walk out my door, you take another fucking little-tiny piece of my already-little-tiny heart with you.

say what you want to say
[14 Jan 2006|07:12am]
5 tequilla shots and 4 margarita mixers, later.... i pass out at my own fucking party at 10:00.

urfaceisarapescene's Daily Gemini Forecast for January 14th 2006
Being intellectual requires a curiosity for how things really work. Find out today.
Overview: Repairs are important, but first you need to know what needs fixing. Rather than rushing into the situation, take a moment or two to truly evaluate what it is that requires your tender loving care.
Gemini Gemini
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
Don't even think about leaving the building if you really don't want to. Your friends, siblings and neighbors may try to talk you out of it, but if you don't feel like budging, don't budge. Dig those heels in, slip into your sweats and find a comfortable spot on the couch. If worse comes to worst and you're dealing with some serious pouting, you can always entertain the pouters at your place.

25 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
fuck it all. [08 Jan 2006|11:57pm]
i'm blonde again...
oh i'm blonde
or yellow, whatever
and i drink too much again too... especially while taking baths and attempting to shave my legs...
bloody mess!
nothing really going on in my life lately except like... everything. i drink too much and i probably stink.

say what you want to say
[06 Jan 2006|01:09pm]
still here... i think.

23 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
[13 Dec 2005|09:36am]
[ mood | rushed ]

I believe it is now time for me to make a christmas list.
So here goes...

1. a 1 month script of klonopin and/or xanax.
2. a boyfriend/ girlfriend who will support my retarded ass.
3. a blender
4. a boys small night of the living dead zip up hoodie from hottopic.
5. the H.I.M ring set from hottopic. (yes i know that those are for lovers, but i don't have a lover so i will be wearing both rings on my own fucking hand thankyou VERY FUCKING MUCH!
6. a vespa
7. for poppy z. brite to make a movie out of her book 'Exquisite corpse".
8. To meet Poppy Z. Brite, so i can kiss her feet and then be able to write as fucked up and twisted books as she does, and make money doing it.
9. a hose cuervo, ice, and margarita mix gift basket.
10. a weight watchers scale.
11. a carton of marlboro mediums.
12. a shotglass chess set
13. a sexy black vintage mandarin-collar dress
14. The last season of Little House on the Prairie.
15. billie holiday on vinyl.
16. To lose 25-30 lbs.
17. trim spa
18. to be a size 3
19. the worst witch volumes 3 and 4 dvd set
20. friday the 13th box set
21. rock and roll highschool forever on vhs
22. eggzorcist from the series 1 living dead dolls collection.
23. 1 year fangoria subscription.
24. anne rice audiobook complete set
25. a kitten

i guess that's it for now... if anyone wants to buy me any of this shit, that would be ....really really nice of you.
thankyou for your time.

25 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
[11 Dec 2005|10:10pm]
so so bored.
that's why i'm updating this stupid thing...
friday was fun tho, we had a party at my place.
i really have nothing else to write...

24 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
[30 Nov 2005|02:49am]
This is who I am....not who I want to be.

23 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
2:47am [24 Nov 2005|03:02am]
[ mood | hungry ]

Today is thanksgiving... so i guess yesterday wasn't exctly the perfect day to start a week-long fast. I am a moron.
My sleeping has been horrible. i have been going to bed around 2pm and waking up at around 9pm, which makes me miss all the sun and stay up all night/morning on crafster.org, and thinking about suicide girls.
it's only been 30 hours and i'm already hungry, and Matt just did a bunch of grocery shopping.... there's oatmeal in my kitchen cabinets...
THINK THIN!!!!! hahaha.

24 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
[10 Nov 2005|10:19am]
[ mood | grumpy ]

last night matt and i were laying in bed reading, which is weird cause usually we lay there with the timer on the tele and just fall asleep like mindless drones and probably have dreams about juicers that are only 4 easy payments of $19.99 or poor starving children in africa that we should be sending money to...
It was nice, i had just got some new comics in the mail so i decided to read Lenore: noogies, and he read Johnny the homicidal maniac: the directors cut...
Tonite i think i'm going to read the other lenore :wedgies, and then start some HP Lovecraft.
I've been thinking a lot lately of writing up some short stories, i know they'll be gruesomyly fucked up and maybe even somewhat disturbingly erotic, but i'm just scared i'll really get into it and then just completely blank out at the end, and the story will never finish and then i'll die of spontaneous combustion or something, and i'll have died, never finishing something that meant so much to me....
jesus christ, i really need to sleep more.
Did anyone watch trading spouses last night? No offense to anyone but that ignorant obese moron made me want to bend over every god fearing, ignorant christian and sodomize them with a 10 inch strap on.
Not that I listen to him, but I hope that Howard Stern has sometimething to say about the show, and that i just so happen to hear from an acquaintence or friend of what he said.
I'm going to get off this wretched computer now, i'm pissed off that i'm even awake to be honest.
If I hadn't woken up and looked under the covers after my thighs to what looked like an axe murder, than i wouldn't have...i wasn't even going to then(!), but the horrific pain protruding from my ovaries twisting themselves in a knot and plotting to escape my body in any means possible, is what really set it off, so i decided to get up and get some painkillers and maybe a few klonopin from my mum before she headed off to Boston.
Anyways, this entry has gone on long enough, i'm going to go see if docbrite upated and then try to fall back to sleep.

24 hang for your hollow wayssay what you want to say
guess i finally had something to say... [08 Nov 2005|11:12am]
[ mood | good ]

I very rarely write in this thing anymore, i guess i don't really see any point to it, but i got bored, and myspace is getting boring so i thought i'd write a bit.
I was just going through a couple of my old livejournals and remmanesing (sp?) It definately brought back a ton of memories and made me realize how depressed i'd be if i didn't have Matt.
I know how lucky i am, and don't take him for granted, i guess that means i'm finally sort of growing up.
I noticed, whilst reading my old journals this constant strainn of sleep and fatigue, and noticed that it has never really gone away since it started about 3 years ago. The only time i really get any decent sleep and on a normal sleeping schedule is when Matt is working.
I'm still in the middle of finishing my room and hopefully my mum will be able to afford the sheas lounge i've been wanting from domestications, for me this christmas...if not there's always close out sales in january... right?
Then my bedroom will finally be done and i can get back to collecting living dead dolls and horror movies.
This christmas should be interesting, i can finally afford to get my mom and matt some stuff they've been wanting, which makes me happy.
I just feel bad because i know Matt's been a bit depressed about not having a job for the last few weeks, and not having any money, but i've been trying as hard as i can to help out.
I'm not really sure what i should be doing with myself lately.
I think i need a new hobby...like painting or taking my photography more seriously again, that's what matt's been telling me anyways.
In other news, i've decided to take a night or 2 off from reading poe and lenore and take some time to read lost souls, again...
If there was ever to be any author i respected more than poppy z. brite (mainly for just completely being herself) well, i think hell would freeze over before that happened.
Anyways, just thought i'd update since i havn't really had anything important to say in like 8 months maybe.
Running on 4 hours of sleep, a klonopin, cigarettes and goddamn strong coffee, matt and i are getting anthony today/night, so you know my camera batteries will be dead by the end of the night.
Well if you read my "psycho-babble-bullshit" then thankyou for being a friend.. if not, really i don't blame you... I'm feeling creative today so maybe i'll write some more later or post a few pictures.
till then...

p.s. saw 2 was excellent! and does anyone know where to buy serial killer trading cards, i've been looking everywhere, with no luck at all!! thanks in advance if anyone could help me out.

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