Annx's Journal
[Most Recent Entries]
[Calendar View]
[Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Annx's LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
| Tuesday, October 17th, 2006 | | 3:18 pm |
Spooky
Family left today. Sad. Before I left yesterday I read him three books, three times each. "Again please" Yesterday my nephew, Mom, and I carved the Halloween pumpkin. I asked my nephew what kind of mouth he wanted: "scary" I asked him what kind of eyes he wanted: "scary" I asked him what kind of nose he wanted: "scary" So I did that, and added scary eyebrows too. He liked it very much. See it as my new default user pic. Bwahahaha. | | Monday, October 2nd, 2006 | | 2:17 pm |
Grandeur
Yay! Even disabled people can visit Yosemite!!! I haven't been there since the 1970s, I do not want to wait so long to return again. A good walking stick, and the free hybrid shuttles allowed me to actually explore some of the park. It was exhausting and hurt like hell, but I paced myself and managed best I could, and feel quite accomplished for having hiked a little bit over the course of the week (no re-injuries!). My nephew was quite amused at auntie having vertigo up on Glacier Point (we drove up and I did fine traveling, but was caught off guard by the actual cliff destination. Go figure, I have vertigo and I visit a cliff. Duh.). Whoo-yikes. But our entire family had fun and the early fall weather was perfect the entire week. I understand that the hybrid shuttles became a part of the park system to reduce pollution, yet I am most grateful for the existence of the shuttles and excellent stewardship of the shuttle system in that they provide accessibility to those of us with mobility issues. In addition to the free Yosemite shuttles within the valley, there is also a system that provides local bus service into the Yosemite area for a reasonable fee, providing an alternative to driving. http://www.yarts.com/I hope that I can return to Yosemite in less than six months. http://www.nps.gov/yose/ | | Wednesday, September 20th, 2006 | | 2:31 am |
Space Oddity
At this very moment--I think it is quite odd that I fear my heart palpitations more than my migranes. I mean, either one could signal the onset of heart attack or stroke, and I've been experiencing heart palpitations on and off (haha) since I was an adolescent, migranes did not start occuring until a couple of years later. Seeing stars and vise-gripped head, or fluttering and squeezing heart? Hmm... Huh. Okay, I've done my deep breathing, my meditation, used my TENS unit, drank warm water, and it's been hours since I've eaten. Please insomnia riddled monkey mind, release me so that I may sleep.Please Current Mood: calmCurrent Music: Concrete Blonde: Lullabye | | Saturday, August 12th, 2006 | | 2:36 am |
Insomnia
Finals. Illness. Ack. On the bright side, the nutritionist my primary doctor has me seeing is happy with my progress. I have lost seven pounds in less than three months! Why is this so joyous? Because my orthopedist told me that for every one pound of weight lost, equals three pounds of pressure relieved from your joints. No wonder I feel 21 pounds lighter! My back, knees and feet are so happy! And because my joints are able to move slightly more easily, I am able to walk slightly more, which means I will lose more weight, which will allow me to walk more, which will allow me to lose more weight, which will allow me to move more... YAY! Current Mood: crappy | | Wednesday, December 7th, 2005 | | 7:14 pm |
Happy Anniversary
I forgot to post the other day, it's been three years since I was almost killed by an impaired driver (get it? I forgot, ha ha ha. Lame amnesia joke, I know). I AM ALIVE. Recovery is still progressing, but at least I can say that I am alive, I have not yet been killed. So, for everyone, especially those who aspire to become Darwin Award candidates: December is National Drunk and Drugged Driving Prevention Month[Obviously I've regained my sense of irony, especially considering my amnesia ...] | | Saturday, August 21st, 2004 | | 5:16 pm |
Sigh.
I have a disabled parking placard. Although I limit my driving, when I do have to use my car I greatly appreciate that I am allowed a few less worries (which can mean the difference between having a functional day or a non functional day). However, my fair city seems to not respect that placard. Or, to be fair, a certain small number of parking department officers chooses to ignore the placards and ticket anyway (as far as I am aware, only in two neighborhoods). [**I met a DPT employee who is disabled and her correctly placard displaying auto has received tickets before too. How depressing. I forgot to ask her if she has had to protest the same ticket more than once.] Having been through this numerous times now since my accident, I sent in my protest within less than a week after the ticket (photocopy of placard included), and waited for the letter absolving my poor little car. Sometimes it takes a few months, they are consistently backlogged. At that point in time, I didn't worry about it, I just knew I had to wait. A few months later I got a ticket that I deserved (it looked like a level street to me, yet there was evidently a slope, and my car wheels had not been turned into the curb enough), and I discovered that I could pay the ticket on-line saving myself a debilitating trip down to the DPT office (which among other things ... since it is not a government owned building, does not have to provide bathroom facilities). I paid my ticket on-line, I was thrilled. It shows anything related to your car's license plate, and there was only the one ticket which I had just paid, so I figured that as usual the letter had simply just not arrived yet. In mid or late July I received my DMV registration renewal, on it was an additional fee for the protested ticket plus late fees. That week I went down to DPT in person, bringing my photocopy of the original protest/ticket/copy of placard. After waiting in line awhile (usually over an hour, yes my leg was useless for the rest of the day, more than one day actually), I spoke with a very nice woman (they are always nice to me when I go in person), who gave me a new blank form to fill out as my second protest (after she stapled it to my first protest copy), and to drop it in their collection box. I did, and wrote the phone number she gave me in numerous places in my notebook and calendar just to make sure I didn't displace it (the number to call if I didn't get a response before my DMV renewal was due). Not even three business days later I received a letter declining my protest explainging my protest had been submitted past the 20 day contesting time period. They had to have been referring to the second protest, seems they are claiming they never saw the first protest. Of course I freaked out. I'm a disabled under-employed person that has budgeted for the amount of my auto registration renewal and smog test, not for $95 addtional for a ticket that I duly protested (and should never have received). Yesterday I finally calmed down enough to go back to the DPT office (I didn't think bursting into tears and wailing would help my plea so I waited a few days trying to calm myself down). The guard gave me a slip of paper allowing me to sit while I waited (they don't always do that), I waited for the supervisor, I read my notes to the supervisor. He did lots of typing and reading on his computer. He went away and made a phone call. I think I did really well at not whining when I asked him why I keep getting these tickets that even they tell me I shouldn't be getting. Finally (ugh, my leg was killing me, and my hips were starting to get wacked too), he told me that the Manager would call me on Monday to see what they could do. He got my phone number (of course I gave him my cell number too), and I have resolved to try and not panic until we see what the result of that phone call is. If they try to make me pay the ticket, and/or any of the late fees, I'm going to lose it. I mean, how can they charge me fees for a ticket that shouldn't exist? I get obessive very easily since the accident (yay, brain injury), and they do not want me declaring citizen watch on them. Best yet I will experience no guilt (another plus or minus of my brain injury, in this case a plus). Though it's one day later, and I didn't sleep well yet again. Can I bill the city for lost sleep, lost body functionality, and other conditions aggravated by dealing with these tickets that I'm not even supossed to be getting? I'm trying to remember how many of these tickets I've had to protest more than once. Why are disabled people being harrassed? My Uncle told me that the supervisor for our disctrict is up for re-election, that I should write a letter to him. Some one else told me that they have friends at City Hall. I think even though I have more important things to be working on (rebuilding my life, for one), this may become a crusade. Maybe I can find out how to be a watchdog. Is that the word? Anyway. I just can't handle the thought of disabled people getting tickets that could snowball for whatever reasons, and cost them the loss of their transportation. I mean, if it happens to me, it likely happens to many other disabled. Sigh. Wish me luck. Current Mood: irritated | | Friday, August 13th, 2004 | | 4:42 pm |
RX
I greatly appreciate doctors that treat every patient as a unique learning experience, I am apalled by doctors that don't. A doctor's education should not ever end upon completion of medical school. I think the term "medical practice" is appropriate. | | Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004 | | 3:20 pm |
Another 'oh well'.
Before I forget: OTC pain relievers don't work on me any more (haven't in quite some time), they are aren't strong enough. No point in taking them anymore, doesn't even give me a placebo effect (why take something that upsets your stomach and sometimes gives you a headache too, and doesn't take the pain away?). Oh well. I have accepted this. No point in banging my head against the wall over something that doesn't work for me where there are thankfully things that do still work for me. This is why I have a TENS unit, oil, ice paks, heat pads, accupuncture, massage, stretching, and healthy eating ... All very good methods of pain relief that work well for me (I still have chronic pain, yet at least I can minimize my suffering). My friend says: "Pain is mandatory, suffering is optional". He even made a tee-shirt about it years ago. Good man, good words. Current Mood: exanimate | | Saturday, July 17th, 2004 | | 3:13 pm |
Actually ...
I meant to say "I wanted to use different words ... " Ah well. | | 2:26 pm |
Bbbbbbbbb.
For someone who regularly scored highly in comprehension tests as a "gifted" child, aphasia is incredibly frightening and frustrating. Actually, I liked to use different words, I just can't think of the right ones. Sigh. At least I'm a better than I was the first few months. | | Thursday, July 15th, 2004 | | 5:54 pm |
Huh.
So sometimes when people ask me what I've been up to I suddenly burst out with happy little gurgles of talk about some recent accident milestone or challenge that I've conquered, such as recently finding numerous web sites about brain injury survivors. You see, I have all these exercises to reinforce my learning experiences now. Positive reinforcement of newly learned information is one of them. It's no coincidence that I clap for myself when I do something correctly, my infant nephew does the very same thing when he does something correctly (which I finally connected the dots to last night. Took me long enough to figure it out. Depressing that parts of my brain now perform at the level of an infant. No, wait, I am happy that I know that now. Better). World, responding to me by saying: "What are you talking about? What are you looking at those for? You don't have brain damage!" IS NOT F**KING APPROPRIATE. Refer to this authority on the subject, I truly know how she feels. I mean, if you don't care to believe me than at least respect her expert status as a doctor and survivor, or maybe read the article featured on the recent front page of a newspaper. Oh my, suddenly we're everywhere! See, denying that something is wrong with me is not going to magically make it disapear. It will not make me comfortable with you, it will not make me want to "defend my statement" by listing all the things that are wrong now that had not ever occured before the accident, or if they ever had were incredibly temporary afflictions. May I gently remind you that what I spoke was that I had found something helpful ... people want me to be helped, yes? I am very slowly becoming somewhat comfortable with public social contact, much needs to be worked on, including my almost smacking upside the head those vary people who are so callous as to call me a liar to my face, as I try not to burst out crying. [Of course I don't hit anyone, hopefully I never will, though sometimes I just barely hold back the tears and that just makes me want to hit someone even more for being so mean and uncompassionate] See, I don't have a scar across my face or other visible "badges of identification", my crutches and cane are in storage and my limp is not always as obvious as it was. My brain may be injured, yet it is slowly healing (it's been almost two years, no these are not "mood swings", no I'm not "having a bad day"). Only time will tell how much more it will heal, this may be as good as it gets. I can only hope and keep trying to remember to research what could kill me if I forget to look both ways before I cross the street (no kidding, I limit my driving these days). I don't like video games so much anymore, I feel like Frogger in real life when I'm a pedestrian (even though I obey all traffic laws). How do I know that something is permanent, and not some holdover about something else? Ever had a fever? Did you ever wake up and not know you had a fever, yet thought something was wrong and finally remembered to take your temperature which then verified you had a fever? It's like that. Not sure what is exactly is wrong, not feeling the need to go to the emergency room at the local hospital because you aren't bleeding or anything drastic like that, yet knowing that something is very wrong. Hey, at least they figured out that I wasn't bleeding inside my skull, that would have sucked. I am a brain injury survivor. I have post traumatic stress disorder. I have chronic pain. [Oh how those three things compliment and complicate each other ...] Deal with it, it hasn't disappeared. It's a part of my life. It's frustrating for me to realize that. Hell, I'm the one who has to live with it not y'all. What are y'all getting your panties wedged up your butt over it for? Huh? . Current Mood: angry | | 4:48 pm |
Mmmmmm.
Acupuncture still really freaks me out, yet it's so worth it. My body & mind respond very well to acupuncture treatments. . | | Thursday, July 8th, 2004 | | 4:57 pm |
Back.
Nice back doctor appointment today. Validation of where you think you are healthwise is good. Improving is one of my favorite words these days. He says I'm on my way back to being a human being (he's well aware that I haven't felt like one since the accident). When your back hurts, it's hard to cope. I don't want to think of the many back spasms that I endured (some with pain meds, some without. Ugh). Thankfully, those spasms are rare these days. My MRIs and other images show that my spine is durn healthy, and the soft tissues and other back stuff are vastly improved since the injuries. And, I'm to continue my program and keep strengthening. Which is a relief, because if your spine is fucked up. Scary. Foot, and Knee doctor visits both in August. | | Wednesday, July 7th, 2004 | | 5:09 pm |
| | Tuesday, July 6th, 2004 | | 8:01 pm |
| | Wednesday, June 30th, 2004 | | 3:29 pm |
Persistance.
My knee is still not clicking. This is very good. Now if only my feet would stop freaking out. Staying off of my feet all day is not an option, I have to exercise and move around to get this weight off and relieve my joints. I'm careful and judicious of course, it's a far cry from how active I was pre-accident. Psychotherapy is progressing well, I think. Have a long ways to go though. Sigh. It's harder to work through something that is occuring presently, than something that is past. No acupuncture this week, they are on vacation. Next week will return. | | Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004 | | 2:18 am |
Nice.
My knee is still not clicking. Very nice, I hope this improvement continues. My back has been behaving better as well. Now for my foot and brain ... Positive thoughts, positive thoughts. | | Friday, June 18th, 2004 | | 2:12 pm |
CLick clik click.
So my knee has been clicking, it's incredibly uncomfortable (in addition to the chronic pain), and it's unsettling. At times I felt like my leg was going to give way from underneath me when I was standing. Sometimes I don't feel my knee. Scary. But my acupuncturist did some deep needle stuff the other day, which hurt like hell, I could actually feel the needle inside, shudder. My knee has not clicked since. Have I mentioned that I really don't like needles any more? But there I am, every week, getting needles inserted into my skin from head to foot. Ugh, but I do feel better after. So I'm hopeful that my knee won't click anymore. Or if it does, not for a while, so that I know the treatment is available and works for more than a couple days. My foot has been itching like crazy since my treatment last week, he did some other deep needle stuff and I think some nerve regeneration is happening. I'm hopeful anyway. At least, it reminds me of when part of my thumb got chopped off, and the doctor told me the deep itching sensation was nerve regrowth (Ha! Another memory!). Feels like the same thing. Of course, sometimes decades later my thumb still buzzes and itches, and they say that's phantom sensation or something like that. The nerves are active, they just have no where to go, like a bridge that's been washed out by a flood, travelers on both sides can't cross, or the freeway offramp that was demolished near Duboce & Mission. The traffic is still there, the destination is still there, yet everyone has to exit sooner than they want and there is always confusion and delay. Thank goodness I was gifted. I may feel & behave stupid now, yet at least I have a little bit left to work with. Who knew my big brain was fated to be, what, used at full capacity for a few decades and then a slosh lost like water spilt? Damn, I have so much to relearn and learn. I think I used to be better at analogies (good word!), but I'm not sure. Sometimes my brain buzzes too. That scares me more than my knee or foot buzzing. Current Mood: exanimate | | 2:12 am |
Just so damn tired. Current Mood: numb | | 2:11 am |
Thanks
Thanks friends, for being here, for caring enough to check in. I'm sorry that I'm not whole like I used to be, and can't give as much as I used to. Ah well. Current Mood: thankful |
[ << Previous 20 ]
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
monkey_mind_'s journal