|I MET BJ, BIOTCH! ...& BRYAN!
||[Sep. 14th, 2004|03:24 pm]
|||||kids playing basketball outside||]|
Yes, indeed! Yesterday in this very room BJ came up and finally saw me... in the flesh, and shook my hand. He was polite, and kind of shy. Softspoken. OH MY GOSH, I MET BJ! Billy's oldest son. Wowowowowowowowowow. Wow.
Beforehand, Billy and I were sitting in here, not saying a word, fidgeting, trying to ease the paralyzing feeling of dread/anticipation/excitement rolled up in a ball of exhiliration. It was the moment of truth. I'd held back for months, and it had been nothing shy of AGONY. Hearing about them, the triumphs, the sad parts, the words they said to Billy on the phone, seeing pictures of them from ages baby to graduation, hearing stories... passing Bryan's car outside the pizza parlor, Bryan unaware of me in the corner of the parlor... BJ unaware of me just upstairs. I'd always been so close... I grabbed a paper and pen and started to draw.
Then BJ's voice down the hall. "BJ! Come up!" Billy said. My heart skipped a beat. I remember holding my breath for the longest time, my mind reeling. Footsteps...
...And then BJ emerged in the doorway. Just... BJ. I relaxed, and smiled as I gazed at him. In my mind I was telling him, Hello, boy who has no clue what he already means to me... But not a sound passed my lips, and I stifled the fear that was attempting to fill my eyes. And, by golly, I pulled it off.
I don't think it hit him at first, just who I was, but as the time passed, it became more apparent. I was Billy's girl.
That's when BJ got a bit... fidgety. He kept his cool, but he started to whistle when we got outside. Billy would later tell me, BJ doesn't whistle like that.
So anyway, I looked at him as long as I dared and then stole inside. Waited a few minutes. Couldn't bare it. Peeked back out. Still there. Saw me! Ack. But I did what I'd set out to do (in all honesty): make these boys aware of me, aware that I'm alive. My only hopes hindge soley on that.
BJ drove off, Billy came in with triumph on his face. "That's BJ," he said gently, looking into my eyes. He put his arm around me. On our way upstairs, I started crying. "Aw, what's the matter, babe?" All I could do was sniffle and smile at him. "I know, baby, you're happy. You're just happy." Big hug.
DAMN STRAIGHT I'M HAPPY. I LOVE YOU, BILLY!
Back in the bedroom, he widened his eyes as if he'd just realized something. "You can be BJ's stepmom." I fell against him and held on for dear life. "Do you mean that? Oh, Billy, I only wish you knew a woman's heart, what that means to me. Do you mean that?"
"Yes!" he said.
I held him longer. "Billy, do you think BJ will think I'm funny?"
He laughed, eyes aglow. "Yes, I do."
BJ was probably wondering about me on the drive up to Berkeley, Billy said. And something else...
Billy was talking in his sleep last night, whispering, after all the excitement had passed. So I whispered back to him, wondering if maybe he'd talk to me like they do in movies. I was right. With his head still turned away, he murmured, "Always fun. You're fun."
"What?" I whispered in the same fashion (a few times).
"All for love. We did good with BJ today. All for love, Aubrey. Just give it your best shot. Promise me."
"Ok," I whispered, "I promise. I love you."
I can't believe it. I'm looking at BJ and Bryan's pictures. Do you know how much your daddy loves me? Do you know how we hold you so close?
He woke up this morning, I said something, and we laughed. I laughed again. I did the same. He laughed again. I did, too. Back and forth.
Edit!... 4:45 PM. I just got out of BRYAN'S car! He gave me a ride home! He's talkative and very friendly... and cute just like his Daddy (very into 50's cars, awww). Now they both know me. BJ and Bryan. Happy day! <3 Corumbahhh!
I'm listening to Thru The Eyes Of Ruby. Forevermore, this song will remind me of Bryan! Oh my gosh. Billy sprung this one on me!