Cigarettes

Mass Effect 2 Insanity Run

Summer is winding down, ten days until starting up at a new school. I am wasting the days away with endless video gaming.

The past couple months I've played Mass Effect 2 and 3, and kind of fell madly in love. Now I must pick up the first, once I have a few bucks to spare. (I remember not liking it much at first, but eh).

So now I'm on ME2 on the INSANITY MODE. And I see why it's called Insanity, because it drives you insane. It's not too bad though.

I recommend using Miranda for both Warp and Overload, incredibly valuable for breaking down armor on enemies. (Joy, every enemy has armor).

Husks are armored. UGH.

My game over count has got to be in the hundreds by now.

Collector missions have been among the hardest, by far. Horizon and the Collector Vessel are the ones I've done so far. THE COLLECTOR VESSEL. UGH. I was gripping that controller and sitting in one spot for like three hours, and I think the vast majority of my game overs came from that stupidass mission. BUT I FINISHED IT THANK GOD. After finishing, I was just like *BREATHES* ITS OVER. Praetorians. *shudders*

My third party member has been varying, usually Grunt, Garrus, Mordin, or Jack. Jack has great incapacitating abilities, very useful at times...Grunt is the tank.

I'm a soldier class, but I kind of wish I had gone with Sentinel. Wouldn't have to use Miranda so much that way.

I'm pretty much doing EVERY SIDE MISSION. Because I'm a masochist.

Who should I direct my romantic interests?
Cigarettes

Psychology Major

So I decided to change my major to psychology, and now's the best time because I haven't started yet. I was going to go with sociology, and I love sociology don't get me wrong. But when I was talking to my professor at my last college about it, he seemed like he really really wanted me to go into soc and I'm not real sure why? It just didn't seem like he was pushing it "for the general good of the sociology discipline as a whole," because I felt like he was pushing it for his own interests...as in, "Yeah, I got someone to pursue a career in soc because I'm that good of a teacher, IN YOUR FACE DOUBTING PEOPLE!" And I don't mind feeling prideful as a professor in feeling like your work has made a difference for your students, but it didn't feel like it was for my interests. It's confusing.

The reason I am pretty annoyed with him is for the most part because he offered to write letters of recommendation on my behalf to the colleges I was applying, and then he never did. He said he sent them too. Then he said to email him over the summer for help on college transfer stuff, and he can't even reply to any emails.

When I did mention I was interested in psychology, he steered me away from it. "YOU GOTTA DO SOC! YOU CAN DO PSYCH IN GRAD SCHOOL JUST DO SOC!" So I'm like okay...and then I felt...slightly traitorous because I considered majoring in other things (I also had a strong interest in physics) but in my applications I chose sociology, it's dumb but I did feel like I would be letting him down if I didn't...

But then he can't even help me out like he offered, so it's stupid of me to even feel like I owe him anything. It's stupid to feel that in the first place (even if he did pull through) because in the end, it is my life, my money, my decisions, and my eventual career at stake and there's no reason I should feel like I owe it to anyone what they want me to do.

Therefore I chose psychology because it's such an insanely rational choice for me for a number of reasons. It works extremely well with my personal strengths.

1) I've been fascinated with psychology for as long as I can remember, and as a teen I sometimes for fun would research all sorts of crap about it. It seems like I can randomly state all kinds of facts about it. This was for fun, you guys.

2) I had a few fuck-around years at community college because my parents were paying and I had no particular direction, so I took as many psych courses as I could. BECAUSE I COULD. Thanks to my fuck-around years, I now have a TON of transfer credits going towards a BA that I'm actually almost done...before I've started.

3) My intuition about people's inner world is scary good at times. Not to boast, but I'm very observant and curious when watching people's interactions with each other. I feel like I can see the hidden communication...if that makes sense? Body language, tones of voice, feelings towards each other, tensions...a lot of that crap just comes so naturally to me. It is definitely a good skill to harvest.

4) I just want to goddamn help people who feel like crap to feel less like crap. Lots of people over the years have made me feel less like crap when I always felt like crap. I want to return the favor. Obviously I can't to the same people who helped me but, well, I dunno. Karma or something.

There are other reasons. I can detach professionally, I can keep from getting over-involved while still being helpful. Also I have a morbid fascination and my threshold for squick is extremely high. So tell me all your horrible deep dirty secrets.

I'm starting to feel like I'm at a job interview, but self-positivity is always good, right? Woo. Really though, I feel good about this direction I'm taking now, much better than I did about soc. I actually want to minor in soc or criminal justice. Thoughts? (If any).
Cigarettes

Daytime Assholes

I have some pretty shameful guilty pleasures: daytime talk shows and daytime court shows.

I mean I sound like a damn old lady, but they are so addictive! WHY!

I'm not exactly talking about the outrageous ones like Springer and Maury (which to my surprise, are STILL ON), I'm talking about goddamn Dr. Phil, Wendy Williams, Dr. Oz, and then like Judge Judy, People's Court, Divorce Court, Paternity Court. I'm addicted to TMZ and Dish Nation. Someone send help.

IN MY DEFENSE. These shows are usually just on for background noise OKAY? When in need of mindless distraction I suppose.

I sometimes have Bethenny Frankl's awful show on. Oh man. I just have to change the channel sometimes...the men she has on for discussion panels are just the douchiest douches that ever douched. "HAR HAR WIMMINZ JUST DONT UNDERSTAND THAT I WANNA ONE NIGHT STAND I MEAN ALL THEY WAN' DO IS CUDDLE MAN! GROSS!" random female audience member: "AW MAN I WAN' JUS' FUCK NONE OF DAT CUDDLIN' SHIT!" douchey dude: "MY DREAM WOMAN HAR HAR!"

Meanwhile, I have contracted a case of trainwreck syndrome and I'm watching like this:


Just the other day, I guess there was a discussion on "revenge porn" [I think most everyone knows what that is but I'll describe: when someone (usually a girl) sends a SO (usually a boy) naked pictures of herself (these are also usually underage kids, maybe like 13-17, and I've heard the one who shares it can get child pornography charges against them, though not everyone involved with this is underage, could be any variety of ages) and the boy gets pissed at her for breaking up or any number of things so he shares her naked pics with everyone (usually the whole high school or some group of people who would all know her) utterly humiliating her]. Some dude was on and he was a Chippendale's dancer...so as for revenge porn, he's actually saying about the girls who take these pictures, "She's a ho!" I'm just like....you're a goddamn Chippendale's dancer, you're a goddamn glorified male stripper. But GIRLS who take their clothes off for others are hos. ASS. TO THE. HOLE.
Cigarettes

The Holmsies

The Holmesies.

Egads. There is literally not a single fic on there I've read yet. I am ashamed of my speed-reading skillz.

We will be closing voting on September 1st, 2014, giving you about a month and a half to vote.

I'LL NEVER MAKE IT. *FURIOUSLY READS*

No idea how some people find so much time to read fic. I'm literally just getting caught up on the "classics" right now. I just finished both of ivyblossom's claims to fame (The Quiet Man was GORGEOUS, possibly one of my top 5 Sherlock fics) and right now I'm reading Electric Pink Hand Grenade. Which is very good but a little uncomfortable (as a frequent headache sufferer, the descriptions of the worst migraine you can imagine makes me cringe in sympathy and my head starts to hurt a little, lol). I can't remember what else I need to be caught up on. My bookmarks list is unhelpful because there are some on there I haven't even read yet.

I want to make a "To Read" list, separate post.
Cigarettes

Obligatory Selfie

Obligatory selfie. I've been flip floppy about whether I should wear more red lipstick. It seems to look super nice on me because of the pouty shape to my mouth, but I'm AFRAID. What am I afraid of? Who knows, people getting opinions about it. Maybe a good thing?

Overthinking it. I am pretty, I give no shits.

Cigarettes

Jack

I've finally started up Mass Effect 2. I'm always behind the times on video games so yes I do realize it released 2010. No shits given.

I'm a huge sucker for these massive scale single-player RPGs, especially the old school Japanese imports back on the PS1. Definitely a modern take on that, with some interesting twists thrown in. I'm super into this trend from the recent generation video games of "choose your own adventure" where you have two or three choices in some situations and each one affects the story accordingly.

There's one character that seriously intrigues meCollapse )
Cigarettes

Here's what sucks

I'm putting together my resume, right? I wish I could say "good at writing" because I friggin' am from making some goddamn insightful posts on various LJ communities but I'm afraid they'd want to see them. I don't know what I would say to that. Here's my livejournal...it's a lot of rants and swears and intentionally bad grammar BUT I TOTALLY KNOW HOW TO USE GRAMMAR YOU GUYS and obsessions with fictional gay couples and and and...stuff.

I need to get professionalz you guys. I should blog.

Because I'm insightful goddammit! Just tends to get focused on fandom way too much. "Here take a look at my blog but ignore this post and that post..." Would be a terrible idea.
Cigarettes

Smoking

I quit smoking March 17, 2014. Then I took it up again mid-June. *slaps self*

Stupid cigarettes.

Today is the first of the month. DOING THIS AGAIN. Got my nicotine patches all ready. Honestly I'm very hesitant, but I've seen people make lists why they want to quit. I'll do that now, perhaps it'll help with motivation?

WHY MER SHOULD QUIT SMOKING:

  • MONEY - because she is a broke college student.

  • Health - as in the ability to breathe and exert physical activity. THIS WAS THE BEST PART OF THE SMOKE-FREE PAST TWO MONTHS.

  • Long-term health, as well - imagine getting a lung cancer diagnosis or something similar whether near or far into the future - BECAUSE OF A HABIT SHE COULD HAVE KICKED.

  • People are less annoying when they're not keeping you from getting your nicotine fix. (Whether they know it or not).

  • Teeth - braces were just taken out, her teeth are pretty and straight now. She would also like them to be pearly white.

  • Weight loss - tendency to gain weight as a smoker because of inability to exercise thanks to breathing issues - she has lost almost 30 pounds in the past six or so months, she doesn't want any of it back.

  • Addition to above: Exercise - super-good for physical health, but also tremendously helps with mental health. Mer's mental health is sometimes her biggest enemy. Exercise helps her feel less depressed.

  • Self-confidence - the knowledge that she has overcome something people describe as "one of the hardest things you can do" is a very nice boost to her esteem.

  • College campus - normally campuses like to make you walk a lot. She would rather not be late for class because she had to stop five times to catch her breath.

  • Smell - smokers usually smell. When she meets heavy smokers, they smell so strong. It's an annoying realization when she realizes she might smell just like them.

  • Mer likes herself. Mer does not like herself when she smokes. Mer wants people to say, "Mer is a rad chick." Not, "Mer would be a rad chick, if she didn't smoke."

  • Car - smoking while driving wreaks havoc on her car - wind from the open window makes ashes fly all over and often the backseats are covered in ashes, dropping a lit cigarette and causing the interior to have some cigarette burns (which is embarrassing), smelly car of course. Also cause Illinois law now gets you a citation for throwing it out the window, people also think you're a douchebag when they see you do that. Mer doesn't want to be a douchebag.

  • Almost forgot: HEADACHES - before March I was getting daily headaches that couldn't seem to be helped with Advil. Advil always works for me. I didn't realize they were being caused by smoking until I quit and they went away. Then I smoked again, and they're back. Some days were worse than others, those were almost debilitating that I couldn't get out of bed. Definitely not a good sign, whatever it is. No more smoking so my head can feel okay.

  • Self-preservation - I watched some of my grandparents die very slowly and painfully, and at the end became so frail and thin, and lost a lot of cognitive ability. It's a pretty stressful thing to see, I'm sure a lot of you have experienced something similar. I think the worst part of that was imagining being one of them with family always around talking loud and looking at you with sad eyes while you look like death and can't stay awake, feeling uncomfortable in a hospital bed with nurses coming in and out and waking you up at all weird times, being so weak and helpless that you always need help doing anything, even just going to the bathroom. Where am I going with this? Basically I want to do all I can to avoid all that. You never know what happens, of course, could happen to you in your late 80's or your mid 30's or anything in between. I JUST REALLY DON'T THINK IT'S SMART TO DO SOMETHING THAT COULD INCREASE YOUR RISK OF ENDING UP LIKE THAT IS ALL I'M SAYING.

Good for now, maybe I'll keep updating this.
Tags:
Cigarettes

Fargo

Man I hate being behind on shows, because then you have to AVOID ALL SPOILERS. Then you have to be careful not to be ACCIDENTALLY spoiled when people don't tag. And when you see those SPOILERS tags, you have to fight that temptation to look. Fight it with all the self-control in your being. FIGHT IT LIKE A CHRISTIAN ON PROM NIGHT. FIGHT IT LIKE I'M ON A DIET AT BRUNCH.

Alas, I did it. I was behind on the last 4 episodes of Fargo until tonight. Everybody wanted to talk about the ending with me, and I had to say NO SPOILERS.

Now fight the urge to click if you're like meCollapse )
Cigarettes

Ebooks

I believe I'm good at making fanfics into ebooks. I think this is quite useful to the fandom and I want to make a tutorial on how to do it. I know AO3 has the download function but in actuality, there are much better ways to download fanfics and sometimes their downloader is a little wonky.

So I've been putting it together. A lot of people aren't sure how to get fanfics posted exclusively to livejournal and fanfiction.net, and whatever other places are out there. Many fanfics are older and likely abandoned, and existed before the ebook thing took off. Fandoms like SPN have tons of good, but old fics posted on livejournal around the time season 1 started in 2005. SPN is a great fandom in that you can still pretty easily find a lot of the older stuff through the use of spnstoryfinders and recs lists. (Personally, I wish I had kept all my bookmarks from that time because there were so many fics I loved but for the life of me can't remember anything about them, unfortunately they fell victim to my dumbass use of browser bookmarks and were lost during multiple computer reformats).

I also wanna say that they are so much more convenient than scrolling through a webpage, especially for those of you with phones and tablets where it's not always possible to customize the formatting.

With ebook readers and ebook apps, you can resize the text, change background and text colors (for some of them, not possible with Kindle Paperwhite and other e-ink devices), among many other things depending on the device/app.

I'll compile a list of resources, best ebook editors, how to use those, best ways to utilize e-reader features, and best apps for reading ebooks. I'm familiar with both Android and Apple, as far as best apps goes. And Windows of course.

I think I can be a pretty handy resource on this if anyone's interested...(still working on it though).
Tags: , ,
Cigarettes

The Asshole in the Backroom

Assholes just like to stay in your head forever, don't they? It's like they sit there in the backroom of your mind. (Mind palace? I think mine should be called mind modular-housing because it's always being developed and getting additions, but maybe a mind trailer or even mind houseboat would be sufficient as well because I'm always moving around...fuck it, who cares. Mind palace it is.) Asshole in the backroom. They're not really there, you know for sure, but you still feel their shadow back there. You feel them watching your every move and you hear what they think about everything.

Story time...Collapse )
Cigarettes

Mer's Sherlock Recs

Sup weirdos. I have posted my Sherlock recs on my sidebar. And also a nice and convenient link because why not. They're in a snazzy Google spreadsheet. I don't know how I feel about it yet. Not sure if I should put it on a post instead...or what.

And I guess there's a way to embed it as well. Looks like this:



Ughhhhh it's just too small and I can't figure out how to edit the widget. Research time. Cause if there's one thing I'm good at, it's research.

Do I sound like Sam? You ever notice how a lot of those supernatural-type shows always have the main characters reading books all the time to research the monster-of-the-week? Probably wouldn't be as interesting if these shows were about figuring out how to edit your widgets for your blog. I digress...(that's my favorite phrase).
Cigarettes

The Art of Lying

Are you a liar? Am I? Are we all liars?

I am a liar. I've lied to everyone I've ever spoken to, including myself. My entire person is a lie.

I'm talking about this thing inside. My appearance and demeanor are what they are, polite and pleasant, mostly blended with the crowd, boring. I bore myself a pretty good amount of the time. I'm afraid of speaking up when need be and I'm completely terrified of drawing attention to myself. Overly withdrawn. Unrealistically pessimistic, even nihilistic points of view. So.

Isn't negativity fun?
Cigarettes

I haven't done one of these in like 50 years.

Borrowed from frozen_delight and found here. Pick 12 characters from any fandoms and list them before you read the questions that follow. Here are mine.
1. Amy Pond (Doctor Who)
2. Sam Winchester (Supernatural)
3. Sherlock Holmes (BBC Sherlock)
4. Dean Winchester (Supernatural)
5. Mycroft Holmes (BBC Sherlock)
6. The Doctor (Doctor Who)
7. John Watson (BBC Sherlock)
8. Castiel (Supernatural)
9. Crowley (Supernatural)
10. River Song (Doctor Who)
11. Mary Morstan (BBC Sherlock)
12. Irene Adler (BBC Sherlock)

QUESTIONS. Okay now I'm scared.

I don't know what's happening.Collapse )
Tags: ,
Cigarettes

Grandeur

ME ME ME. Yeah I know I'm a little self-obsessed. I liken it to reversed narcissism. Delusions of grandeur? Nah man! Let's go with delusions of...uh...let's google it. Merriam Webster, alright. Thesaurus, antonyms...ok let's do dis.


Wow, I'm not the first to search I guess. Soooooooooo interesting.

Well, apparently it's an inferiority complex.

And yes, inferiority complex is a pretty big culprit of delusions of grandeur.

Whoa.

Basically I'm a narcissist and a reverse narcissist at the same time.

Dammit.
Cigarettes

And now it's time for deep thoughts

When you have been on the receiving end of a great injustice, what do you do? I have been processing this question for a long time now and going through questions of my own identity and personal adequacy. I've been looking for meaning and patterns and examining my role in society.

Often I am asking about my identity. I don't know what it is, obviously. Not sure who does know their own. I can sort of identify other people and how I interpret what kind of person they are, but do you ever try to see yourself from that point of view? It's pretty damn difficult, and something of a slippery slope.

I always try to see me from other people's views, but it gets horribly skewed hence the slippery slope. It's like I can almost hear the voices in people's heads when they look at me for a split second and assume in that same time frame that they are thinking negatively about me. The next person I pass thinks something else. Then the next. More and more. My response is to blend in, so maybe everyone is less likely to think anything of me. Less likely to even notice. Then I complain that I never get noticed, and try to get noticed. I fail. I'm embarrassed. I try to blend in again, must avoid failing and humiliating myself.

The cycle continues ad infinitum.