I'm finding myself growing out of LiveJournal. In the past it used to be a comfort place a place to write. Still it was never as secure as GreatestJournal or Blurty because barely any of my school friends were a part of those communities and it wasn't expected to add them even if they were.

I've also noticed an extreme lack of enthusiasm for updating. I really need to just update my website upload pictues etc. But I am the Queen of Procrastination. The only things I am managing to accomplish is watching "Heroes" on NBC.com and slowly organizing my music files and moving stuff to the external.

I really need to get new clothing for rush and all I'm doing is sitting at home not doing anything extravagent. I love how I become such a sloth during vacation. Tulane I need you, I need the stimulation.

On the way to the Hamptons for Christmas.

Back from Tulane. Will write more tomorrow. ♥

I'm currently procrastionating beyond belief from doing work for my cummulative bio final on Tuesday.

On a brighter note I finally booked my flight home. I will be leaving the 20th out of New Orleans making my way back up to tri-state area. If anyone wants to hang out please tell me. I will probably be leaving the tri-state area around the 10th of January (yeah I know what a dipshit break).

I really need to begin updating this thing more often. So much has happened in my life. I transferred to Tulane (New Orleans, LA) and turned 21 on Tuesday. I had a boyfriend for what looks like a bleep in the timeframe that has been Tulane so far. Hindsight it always seems to be a good thing. Anyways, enough procrastination I need to do -some- work. Grr.

He called a few days ago, told me that he was sorry because he knew I was hurting, or thought I was. To call him back, send him a message, myspace, aim, whatever confirming that I don't want to talk to him anymore. That maybe we need time apart but he would respect whatever decision I decide to make. That 3 days ago and I still haven't responded. Why? Because it's easier to keep quiet and not confront situations. But, more importantly.. I'm afraid of my answer. I know whichever one I give is not going to be easy. I just wish this was all a bad dream.

I miss him. I could really use a good talk with him right now. But, alas no. Today I drove through his town, I began following a car that looked just like my Mom's Jersey plates, same dealership on it's way to Huntington. So I followed thinking, "oh dear God you've -got- to be kidding me". Thankfully, God was joking and it wasn't my Mom but there I was in Huntington. I didn't turn onto the street to his house, I just continued on 110 past Taco Bell, his old jobs, and his new job made my way on to the L.I.E. and was on my way home.

I think today, from the start, has been sprinkled with thoughts of him. This story's got to end... I'm tired of wasting thoughts on someone who doesn't respect nor care about me. I'm just tired, and scared of life's decisions. Oh and ofcourse, John -fucking- Mayer has to begin playing on my random shuffle and it's "Victoria".

Don't know why Tori came by
I could see by the look in her eyes
Tori'd been driving around the town for awhile
Playing with the thought of leaving

Don't know why Tori just smiled
Mentioned something 'bout how you were right
Must have been hard to see through the tears she was hiding
She said "I might not be seeing him soon
I got a few things I've been waiting to do"

Hey, Tori came by, Tori came by tonight
Hey, Tori came by, she says to say goodbye

Looked outside at the car in the drive
And the suitcase on the backseat inside
Sure it's so, she can't look out behind at the road
She said "I might not be seein him soon
I've got a few things I've been waiting to do"

Hey, Tori came by, Tori came by tonight
Hey, Tori came by, she says to say goodbye

Don't look down, she seemed alright
You might be asking where is Tori tonight
Somewhere out on the highway
I'm sure that she's fine

I think I'm going insane without MySpace is it just me who cannot access that site? I don't know. So much is going on and the ability not to blog or change my default song (the most telling way of telling how I am) is seriously irking me. My God oh MySpace I am truly addicted.

I -just- realized this weekend is July 4^th and I don't have work on Monday or Tuesday. WTF</b>!</b>

Wow I had -no- idea. I thought it was normal thing, until people said it was a half day and asked where I was going on break. I was like, Brooklyn? And they looked at me funny. I had -no idea- it was a break. Fuck!

Oh well.

Here are my plans.

Friday - Short film festival or meeting up with Zac & Pagan.
Saturday - Meeting Marie @ 1:00pm then driving to Jersey to drop off her stuff at my house as well as my own, do laundry, and pick some stuff up.
Sunday - Meeting Pagan @ 1:30pm and bumming around the city =)
Monay - I'm thinking Long Island maybe for a 4th of July pre-party. I dunno depends gonna contact the girls see what everyone is doing. Yeah.
Tuesday?

So I find myself in the safety of my own room, perusing Hanson fan journals. And all I've come across is in this universal thread of...

No fans seem to be okay today. Everyone is aware, that something has changed. Some are upset. Very upset. They wish they were in her shoes, that they truely belonged with him. That this is some cosmic force that has been working against them. That their true love is "I do"ing themself away to the wrong person. Some are ignoring the event completely focusing on other events going on today. Others are curious, who is partaking in the event is the entire family there, what are they wearing, where is it? Wanting any glimmer of information maybe just wanting to feel they belong. Others are dealing by drinking, smoking, etc. Just wanting to forget Others just... don't believe it. There is no way that the little 12 year old who helped take the world by storm with "MMMBop" is possibly getting married today. No way he could have grown into an age where marriage is a possibility. More importantly if he is married, why aren't they? Why aren't they with someone. I fall into the latter category but alas, we will not talk about me. It's another chapter closing to the book that we've all watch been written. Ironically this book has been almost identical to the stories we read as children growing up. Almost painfully identical. But still, it's a chapter closing, in not just their lives, but our lives as fans as well. This feeling is very solemn verying undefinible but cold, and hollow. Things have changed once again with some simple words of "I do".

I believe someone said it right when they acknowledged how every fan who is aware of what's going on today is being effected in one way or another. But this acknowledge while universal is almost silent, we all know everyone is feeling the same thing. We all know the other is aware and in some degree, some powerful degree, it's effecting each and every one of us. We've known the date for awhile, we've silently prepared ourselves, but really no one was prepared. It's not that we "lost him" cause no one ever had him. He was never one to have. It's just that... we too must now grow up. We must now close this chapter. It's just another signal atleast, how I'm viewing it, that life moves on it changes no matter how much we want to grasp onto that little rambucous 12 year old. He disappeared a long time ago and now he's grown into a husband. Odd. Who knew that 8 years later the kid who couldn't sit still in a seat would wind up standing at the alter getting married.

Well this potentially perfect
The potential is never secure
And you're harder to read on the surface
But I'd rather you here on the floor
So excuse me for being too forward
But I can't retract all that I've said
You an take it or leave as long as you need it
But, I'm paitently waiting for it...

I don't know why I'm quoting this song, I think cause it's on and fuck it I love it. Anyways. Everything lately has been marriage talk. It's weird everywhere I look people are pregnant or going to weddings. Then there's Shy her wedding plans and that's where it all began. Going bridgesmaid shopping, looking at the Interlaken Inn for the wedding location, cakes on the Food Channel, etc. Thinking about marriage. I suppose also the conversations with Kathryn and Alicia about our "dream weddings". I guess I'm at that age where girls talk about stuff like that or where you attend weddings as more than a child. Where you actually understand what's going on. And I've thought about it. Not whom I'm marrying which may be odd to some, because I'm supposed to atleast roleplay someone I suppose. I dunno. It's weird. Anyways and here's what I've come up with. People who must be at my wedding.

- Shy
- Pipa
- Michelle Mercier
- Juice
- Amanda
- Girls from the Suite
- Shaun (he's probably going WTF?! no seriously man I'll FLY you in. LMAO and you'll bring me In-N-Out animal style. I figure we've managed to keep in touch since my Sophomore year in highschool or was it Freshman? Either way it's been a fucking ass long time we can manage some time longer)
- Dominguez Clan
- Allan

But then we get to the whole idea of who the fuck is going to give me away. I decided a long time ago that my Dad is -not- invited to my wedding. Maybe out of spite he didn't invite me to his or maybe it's drama. Either or and today for some reason i began planning the giving away part of the wedding. This year I decided I wanted Allan to be in the wedding party and I can't force my groom to make anyone a groomsman so I talke to various people and it -is- possible to have a man as a maid of honor as well as a girl can be the best man (my Mom was the best man for her good guy friend). Then I began thinking maybe I shouldn't have be a maid of honor cause I know myself, I'll defnitley abuse that and try to put that poor boy in a dress. I would, and it would be pink with taffetta. Fluffy and puffy. He'd make a very pretty girl. So would it be odd to have a friend give you away? I dunno. I think it might be cool... these are all thoughts. I don't know why... my head is like in marriage mode. Maybe cause for the longest time I was like I'm never going to get married but now I'm getting to an odd point of my life, I think cause my best friend is getting married and maybe I just want to follow her into a new part of her life. Maybe.

I must admit though I love how I'm thinking all of this without any -hint- of a guy. I love it no seriously it's amusing. It's like I have this mentality eh I can figure out all the details the guy will work itself out. Serendipity. Fate. It -will- happen. I know it will. I'm not pressuring myself or anything.

Concerts I -NEED- to see this summer:
  Dave Matthews Band
  Dashboard Confessional
  Fiona Apple

More to be added later.

Oh dear God, I can't get onto myspace because it keeps on resetting. And it's sooo bad cause you can tell my addiction and how bad I'm procrastionating cause this would seem like the oppotunity given to me by God cause well listen to my morning...

8am I woke up, no alarm, nothing just woke up. Decided I needed to go back to sleep cause Rachael said I couldn't come over cause she needed to get work done and I did too and we couldn't just procrastionate the full day (agreed). But it's 8am, so I went back to sleep. 8:30am wake back up. Go back to sleep. Can we see an issue beginning here people? This continued for about well... till 11:30am. When I finally gave up and woke up completely and went online (cause well that's what I do when I wake up). So I went online, no one was on, I checked away messages (happy 2 months Mel & Christina) and... tried to log into myspace. Nothing. This means I'm going to have to settled for facebook. Ugh.

This is a serious post cause for once in my life I have comments to put down like this.

Rachael - I can't listen to Tymps without thinking of you dancing in the beginning.

SEE! an important myspace message =X

I feel like I'm miles behind where I should be. I should be doing something productive in my life. So I can feel like I've accomplished something. Where do I want my life to go? Do I wanted marriage and if I was to get married (not now obviously but down the road) what position would I play? Would I be a stay at home Mom while Dad goes out and makes the living and I take care of the kid(s)? Or would I be the bread winner while he does his own job and the nanny or neighbor takes care of the kid(s)? Or will it be a mix, we both do our jobs and no one is better, and no one is worse, and the kid(s) are somehow figured out? Will I even have a family? Or will I be alone and working? Will I just run home and let go, and curl up into the safety of my bed, and just... drift? I don't know.

I don't feel like I am cut out to be here. Isn't that an odd thing to say. I'm stressed out, I can't get all of my work done in time. I have to set up my computer and ofcourse, my external hard drive has to die. So I've e-mailed Segate and if they don't respond within 24 hours I'm going to call. Then if they don't give me a suitable answer I'm going to contact some computer place around here to see if they can get the information out of my external hard drive. I need that information. It's my life.

Post-op is an emotional rollercoaster, filled with extreme lows and fair highs. I'm happy because the badness has been taken out of my body, so that has to count for something. But I'm sad because, somehow, somewhere, the loss of my gallbladder coincides with the loss of someone who was practically a part of me. However, I know who my true friends are and I guess it's best to know that sooner than later. But, I think I found out last, because no one else seemed surprised.

It's a hollow pain, it makes you feel empty. Completely empty and alone. And it's the worst pain in the world. You feel like you're falling into a black dark well... and you are afraid of what's at the bottom. But even more afraid that there won't be any bottom at all you will just keeping falling and falling foreve rin terror. Betrayl, abandonment, dissapointment.... things I never ever expected from you the time when I finally really needed you to be there. I never expected for me to be holding onto the edge of a cliff and have you look down, sneer, and walk away as if I just wasn't worth it. I hope karma bite you in the ass. I hope everything falls apart, and I hope more than anything that you one day turn around and realize... how much you really fucked up this time.

surgery tomorrow (1/26/06) at 10:00am.

wish me luck!

ps. it's a gallbladder removal

Today I listened to my I-pod on shuffle in the Hanson section. It made my drive back to Post so happy. It was a mix of youth, and just being a dork. I don't know how to explain what's its like to randomly listen to "3cg: the indie recordings", "middle of nowhere", "this time around", "underneath: acoustic", "underneath", "the best of hanson: live and electric". It's just... great. oh yeah and i suppose you'd have to be a hanson as weel in order to understand it too. ♥

10 LAYERS OF ME

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Joey.
Birth date: December 5, 1985.
Birthplace: Curtiba, Brazil.
Current Location: Norwood, NJ.
Eye Color: Dark brown.
Hair Color: Dark brown (though current it has streaks of -bright- red & purple).
Righty or Lefty: Righty.
Zodiac Sign: Sag.

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE N SOME OTHER STUFF...
Your heritage: 1OO% Brazilian.
What Shoes Did You Wear Today: Black steel-toed Docs.
Your weakness: Good hair. Ha ha.
Your fears: Spiders, ewwuck!
Your perfect pizza: New Jersey Shore greasy as hell plain pizza. Mmm.
Goal you'd like to achieve: To fall in love with someone, marry them, and have kids. Oh and to be in a job which I love and am sucessful in.

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW:
Your most overused phrase: Various usages of the word "fuck".
Your thoughts first waking up: "I don't want to leave my bed!"
Your best physical features: Ehh... nothing.
Your bedtime: 1 - 3am.
Your most missed memory: ...Yat.

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK:
Pepsi or Coke: Coke.
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds if only for the secret sauce.
Single or group dates: I haven't experienced both. So I can't make a fair assesment.
Adidas or Nike: Adidas.
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Nestea (if cold) Lipton if hot?
Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla.
Cappuccino or coffee: Neither, ewwuck!

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?
Smoke: Only when lit on fire.
Cuss: Like a fucking sailor.
Single: Yes.
Have a crush(es): If fictional characters count, then yes. If not, then no.
Think you've been in love: Yes.
Like(d) high school: No.
Want to get married: Yes, very much so.
Believe in yourself: I have my moments.
Get motion sickness: No.
Think you're a health freak: No.
Get along with your parents: I get along with my Mom most of the time.
Like thunderstorms: Very much so.
Play an instrument: Yes, but not professionally in any means.

LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: Yes, hello New Years =)
Gone on a date: No.
Gone to the mall: Yes.
Been on stage: No, wow that kinda made me sad to realize. Weird.
Eaten Sushi: No.
Been dumped: No.
Gone skating: No.
Gone skinny-dipping: No.
Dyed your hair: No. But I got extensions put in instead =)
Stolen anything: No.

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that required removal of clothing: No.
Gotten beaten up: Mentally? Yes. Physically? No.
Changed who you were to fit in: Yes.

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER
Age you hope to be married: 25 would be nice, but I know it's not going to happen by then.
Numbers of Children: If I'm single, one (and it would be a girl). If I was married, no more than 4 (cause frankly can you even -imagine- affording college for 4 kids?!).
Describe your dream wedding: White flowers, or deep red roses. Candles. Big cake.
How do you want to die: Peacefully.
What do you want to be when you grow up: Happy.
What country would you most like to visit: Australia, Ireland, Scotland. Any of the three.

LAYER NINE: IN A GAL/GUY
Best eye color?: Bright blue, or any blue.
Best hair color?: Blonde or dirty blonde.
Short or long hair: Long.
Height: Doesn't matter.
Best first date location: John Mayer Concert. Haha a girl can wish eh?

LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people I can trust: 2.
Number of CD's I own: I do not have the energy to count.
Number of piercings: 3 - earlobes, helix, and labret.
Number of tattoos: 0.
Number of times been on T.V.: I don't even know. Maybe 5?
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: I have -no- idea.
Number of scars on my body: I have a bunch of little scars but the big ones, 4 maybe 5?
Number of things in my past that I regret: forget regret or life is yours to miss. <-- KATIE QUOTED RENT! Um, As much as I try to live by that mantra, I do regret 1 thing...maybe 2.

Facts on Figures
Did you know that if shop mannequins were real women they'd be too thin to have babies?

There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only eight who do.

Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.

If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

The average woman weighs 144 lbs and wears between a 12-14.

One out of every four college aged women has an eating disorder.

The models in the magazines are airbrushed - not perfect!

A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful.

Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman.Today they weigh 23% less.

Today women are lovers, mothers, and career women. Who else is able to balance such a load, and do it with a smile?

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, The place where love resides. The beauty of a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the care that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman, with passing years - only grows.

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An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.