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[15 Sep 2010|05:58am] |
I have insomnia tonight, but it's a much needed one - it's been one of this introspective nights.
I can see the sky brightening outside my window - and this chill cool morning air is just perfect to think while nicely nestled in a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and fuzzy slippers... with a cup of hot chai tea.
I sat on my porch not too long ago and actually listened to the voicemails on my cellphone... I never usually do. (For that I feel/am extremely terrible; I don't mean to upset any one by this, it's just natural at this point.) I had one from each of my parents, left within the past couple days. While what they said was quite their typical way of leaving a message that they know their daughter might not listen to (I'm sure they know this about me at this point), to hear the soothing voices that had previously once in my life cooed and calmed me - right now, at this moment, have switched off all the thoughts in my head that have been culminating into a gigantic pig pen of a mess: so hurried and far spaced out - some intersecting while some run parallel to one another.
The former called while on a journey to move to the opposite end of the east coast.
The latter called to remind me he is coming on Thursday to see me on my birthday.
Their voices were like melting butter... or they made me melt like butter.
I also have a new wonderfully big supportive family at work; everyone is amazing.
I have fantastic understanding friends who are there when I need them.
Things are never as bad as they seem.
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[30 Aug 2010|12:12pm] |
As the floor underneath my bed trembles due to a nearby train trolling in the tracks, I sit here pondering - as I attempt to rack my head for writing ideas (which was going to take place in the park sitting on my Elvis blanket but apparently my notebook had gone MIA - cut to me frantically fussing all over the house), to then decide upon opening this thing, stare at it's glowing white radiance, and attempting to break away from my fastidious mind for a brief moment in time.
What is on my mind... is that people are so frightened of the idea of 'saving' someone else. Everyone tells me, "You can never be saved, you have to pick yourself up on your own" -- I'm sorry, but no shit Sherlock, as if that hasn't been the majority of life thus far on this planet. I don't need to be saved, basic operations Danforth seems to run alright on AA batteries and a Naragansett or two.
When two random people - emerging out of different woodwork - collide, and realize they have a natural connection, but a lot of pent up frustrations and problems - both individually realize that they want to do whatever will make the other one happy; it's all about the harmony. So what, that essentially means you're both 'saving' each other? is that such a bad thing? You can't even mention the thought of it without having someone else shoot it down.. people are almost as touchy as discussing it as they are speaking of death (which people don't discuss enough - leads to fear, when my standpoint with death is clear and the fear is quite diluted.
Will hopefully be spending this day raking my head for more ideas in regards to my new project. which will slowly, step by step, make its way through. it involves community participation though, so we'll see who I can actually round up for this creative process. (I also like to be elusive about it, which doesn't make the concept any easier.)
Don't wanna jinx it, but I have an interview tomorrow at a toy store; have to say I'm pretty excited.
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[28 Aug 2010|04:45am] |
It's really hard sometimes to hold back these feelings of nothingness when I feel so downright useless in my life - what to do next? I'd sure like to know. Apparently I've reached this anti-climatic point where nothing seems to work to ease this thought in my head that I will never amount to much - but am full of so much potential? And what with the increasing number of barricades in this world - attempting the smallest endeavor involves some elusive, sophisticated process. Am I babbling? Of course I am. Am I not trying hard enough? I'm not quite sure. What on earth has made me feel this bottomless emptiness at this point in my life? Is it my continuous disconnect with others? The constant leaps and hurdles of the service industry? The fact that if I really wanted to become what I'd like - it'd involve hopping back on the college bandwagon, probably feeling even worse (what with the routine schedule I once despised and the debt looming over my head.)
Why can't I get over my defeatist attitude? Is there any way for me to not feel so doomed? Tried everything possible in attempts to dissuade; smiling when I don't even want to smile. My gracious comrades try to perk me up - and then I fall back down again. Nor do I think any sort of medication or therapist would ever honestly work for whatever demon resides in my brain, and refuses to leave. I think it wants me to be doomed to a life of loneliness. So what's a girl to do?
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[17 Jul 2010|10:43am] |
Couldn't sleep last night.
Did the dishes at the crack ass of dawn, cleaned the kitchen.
Finished a drawing I've worked one day a week on for three weeks.
Just opened a random check I received in the mail from the MA Department Revenue for 58 bucks.
It seems as if I'm in for an interesting day.
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| Everyday I sit and think, I'll be good. |
[01 Jul 2010|04:15pm] |
I'm sitting in my favorite lil' nook of a coffee shop sippin' on a medium hazelnut. 'Tis called, The Yellow Sofa, which is nestled into the back of the long corridor.
Only reason I have to be here today is purely circumstantial given the fact that the interwebs at my house has been dead, to which I joked with my roommate today, "Looks like Obama pressed the button!" (http://www.xomba.com/obama_may_have_his_internet_kill_switch_control_internet_content)
Day off today can be described in the word 'moseying'. In the most gallivanting of fashions, I took the first ever stroll into town with my new roomie, and descended upon an antique store I'd never visited. I got 16 rare amazing oddities for $20 (a few of them boxed sets of like seven records) and I want to begin a music listening soiree night in my abode (got some old recordings of some of the best musicals!)
And folks, let me tell you something I learned yesterday: do not leave your dryer at a local laundromat unattended; ie: going to get a coffee at aforementioned establishment. Apparently people have the audacity to take your wet clothes out, shove them in another dryer, and use your $1.50 worth of time. Not to mention some random dude[tte] touching my clothes. unda-garments. no bueno.
I became friends with a moth that was on the floor of my living room today. After his intial stress out reaction as I gently tried to pick him up, he sat on my arm and chilled there for a half hour. He was a cutie pie.
For the first time in a while, two people actually told me how well I write. I think inspiration is kicking in now that the stress is moving out (bit by bit.) We'll see how it goes.
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[19 Jun 2010|01:40pm] |
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Last night was the pinnacle of my existence; has re-invigorated my faith in others. This place isn't as messed up as I thought.
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[10 Jun 2010|04:07am] |
Bell bottom blues, you made me cry.
I don’t want to lose this feeling.
And if I could choose a place to die
It would be in your arms.
Do you want to see me crawl across the floor to you?
Do you want to hear me beg you to take me back?
I’d gladly do it because
I don’t want to fade away.
Give me one more day, please.
I don’t want to fade away.
In your heart I want to stay.
It’s all wrong, but it’s all right.
The way that you treat me baby.
Once I was strong but I lost the fight.
You won’t find a better loser.
Bell bottom blues, don’t say goodbye.
I’m sure we’re gonna meet again,
And if we do, don’t you be surprised
If you find me with another lover.
I don’t want to fade away.
Give me one more day please.
I don’t want to fade away.
In your heart I long to stay.
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| sick of sweating. |
[02 Jun 2010|03:48am] |
Thanks to the humidity today, I was Miss Groggsworth the second. Once I got home from work, I caught up on my current events, cooked up some homegrown Southwick, Mass asparagus (ala my stepmom Mitsie grew) and evidently was tired enough to go to sleep at 6pm, on the rug in my living room - for the fact that it was the only place in the house I could get wireless, needed to catch up on the Daily Show (which has been on hiatus for two weeks and re-starting today, which I clearly need to see Stewart's reaction on 'Top Kill', seeming as he got so steamed about 'Top Hat' and 'Junk Trap') and apparently, was comfy enough to doze off.
Hour later, it's too damn hot and I wake up a bit perspired - move into my bed where my fan was and slept till 10pm ... and in the midst of those three hours had a very weird, very creepy dream involving John D. Rockefeller's massive oil monopoly - where I was having the little boy from Modern Family, Luke, investigate Rockefellers whereabouts all stealthily like the Hardy Boys, only singular. Meanwhile, Adolfo (sushi chef at work) and I were at the 'base' at home.. keeping in contact with Luke. It was tremendously dark in the house, and while Adolpho got distracted by looking at funny fake beards to purchase online, there was a knock on the door.
As I'm stepping towards the door, it's raining outside and I barely see the outline of a figure with either a large camera - or a gun with scope and light n' whatnot.
I step back horrified and start running back into another room... and I woke up. Woke up convinced I was about to die... and high (but really wasn't)... at the same time.
Then I spent up til an hour ago researching artists and paintings. Favorite of the night: Gustav Klimt.
Should go to bed soon...
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| THE TALE OF FUNDAY MORNING. (Not so fun yet.) |
[30 May 2010|09:25am] |
Must... continue... funday ... accordingly... but must've danced something fierce last night because my body is SORETOWN, USA... population: questionable?
It agitates me when I WANT to sleep longer but seemingly wake up early on days off and then cannot for the life of me fall back asleep. And damn my room for being so hot - my little fan tries his best in the window but boy is he failing. Sleeping topless is SO unlike me, I'm not that comfortable with my body! Speaking of which, I think some weirdo wrote a missed connection about me... and deleted it. great. so there's some dude that watches me walk around town. let's tally on the chalkboard how many weird older men want to jump my bones. Like Kyle yesterday said, "I think we all have a mid-forties man after us." to which I laughed ridiculously and said I wanted to meet his and tell him everything about Kyle.
I just sang myself a song about confining myself to a bed for the rest of my life. Hmm.
KARYN, WAKE THE FUCK UP AND CALL A VASCULAR DOCTOR YOU NINNY-HEAD.
Tomorrow....I will. mmhmm. yes.
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[29 May 2010|06:57pm] |
The tale of the Day Off (thus far)
- sleep until 1pm.
- eat giant, greasy burger in the company of Kyle Gintzler
- Going to Haymarket, talking with miss adorable Jenny O, sipping iced coffee while reading book.
- Hasan coming over to my table and talking with me
- 'Hanging' out at Hasans............ (ahahaha)
- best shower of my life
- dressing up all fancy listening to swingin' 40's/50's records
- drinking the ink of a Kraken
- going to see friends band
- dancing.
WOOOOOOOOO.
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[28 May 2010|01:33am] |
This substance is quite the god amongst mere mortals.
I feel overly compelled to write something tonight, even if it's only about the dinner shift that wasn't supposed to happen if it weren't for the only other 18 year old waiter I'm working with called out because of graduating high school festivities. The credit card/telephone systems were down due to the ridiculous storm we had last night (cough Mother Nature's pissed uncough) but for a slow steady shift, making 90 bucks tonight - wasn't too damn shabby. One customer, Aaron, in his mid forties presumably, a school teacher, is one of Moshi's regulars, wants me... admittedly so. Bought sake and tried to give me some (asked Sam and Kimy all cutesy-ly, but they said I only could if I came on a day off and was drinking with him) which was like, when the hell DO I have a day off.. there.. ever. Apparently he frequents shows all over the eastern seaboard, was telling me... and I told him I wish I could get days off.
and I must say... I HAVE MY FIRST WEEKEND OFF since I've begun there! Saturday and Sunday! Whatever I shall do with myself, I'm not sure, although I think my Sunday is booked with swimming, kickball, BBQ, games, and more. And surely it will be nice. Lately I've been so completely exhausted all I want to do is sleep all the time... but I want to have a nice Memorial Day weekend. So I will, dammit.
Man, I want to write in here more. It feels so good. Please let me know if you like to hear my rambles. RAMBLERAMBLERAMBLE. <3
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[25 May 2010|09:51am] |
Positivity.
No more doubting myself/my confidence.
No more apologizing, I know when I'm right and I shouldn't doubt myself.
No more 'I don't knows' and bouts of insecurity.
Trusting my intuition more than ever.
Baby steps to getting away from here and on with the show/my life.
A big thank you to someone putting s'more spirit back into me. :) My time with him may be fleeting, and nothing 'serious', but wow. Helping me put back my sense of empowerment.
"By just saying we are the most powerful people right now, we are."
[Both of us sip from our glasses of wine.]
"See? It even tasted better."
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[24 May 2010|12:33am] |
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Wishing I had someone to take care of me for a while so I could figure out my leg problem... I think it's at its most severe. For fear of a peg leg I need to go soon. If the road to recovery takes a while, how it would be so nice to just push myself into one of my many creative, yet comfortable pursuits where I could rest my leg. Teaching myself to paint would be nice. Then said 'lover' would come home, I'd show him what I made, he'd pat me on the head, I'd get up, hobble into bed (haaa!) and then cuddle/take care of him. Yep.
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| Dear Everyone, |
[09 May 2010|05:06pm] |
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I am not going out for a long/indefinite period of time; if you think I'm lying, you'll be sadly mistaken. I am in desperate need of focusing on myself, and the past couple days/last night kind of did it in for me. I'm bringing back the home hangouts... so if you ever want to come over, drink, rock out to records, converse with me, be my guest - I'll feed and love you. On a related note, going to try my damndest to stop using this thing called the internet so much. Blah blah blah. Sincerely, Karyn.
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[08 May 2010|01:14pm] |
Fuck being an independent woman.
Fuck being alone.
Fuck my craving for comfort.
Fuck certain aspects of this place.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you.
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[05 May 2010|08:26pm] |
Neil Patrick Harris was on celebrity jeopardy today.
Cheech Marin totally pwned him and Jane Kaczkekwhndfa-ski,
there were categories on Pickles and Elvis lyrics,
thus marks the first time watching television in, forever...
for longer than five minutes.
Gaby used me as a foot rest. Do I look like an ottoman?
I guess it's only okay if she does it... (who am I kidding?)
What am I saying? Her breath just smelled so sexy after a loaded
potato, I couldn't complain.
Seeing the actress who played the crazy mom on Malcolm in the Middle has made me want to acquire said television show, and watch it with someone. Which would probably only be Gaby or Patrice, but if the bad boy from The Shangri-Las 'Give Him a Great Big Kiss' were to ever come along, I'd have a seat with a reserved sign on it.
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| I like the nightlife baby |
[03 May 2010|06:57pm] |
After kickball yesterday, work till this afternoon, and making my house practically spotless, I am completely wiped out.
I just sat on my porch, and my neighbor's cat Lanie hopped up into my lap and cuddled up to me... she's the cutest thing imaginable and I wish I had her for my own. Animals do sense human pain, right? Because she was shifting a lot of her weight and nestling her head down on my right thigh a lot, which was shaking... it tends to shake a lot after it's gone through a lot of physical pressure.. probably need to start wearing the brace again.
Cannot stop listening to The Cars on vinyl, it's been in constant rotation...
Going to go read more of Colette's 'Gigi.' So incredibly good.
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[30 Apr 2010|02:50am] |
Dammit I'm actually forcing myself to post in here again. Is this therapeutic? I'd REALLY like to know, because after a seemingly mindnumbing shift and a drink or two I'm not quite sure how I should be feeling...but wholeheartedly believe that no one could ever pinpoint it for me....
fyi: I might start going into hiding again... writing/drawing purposes.
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| live out loud |
[29 Apr 2010|12:20am] |
Alright, I cannot ignore this lil' guy anymore. I need to write more, it's one of the many things I'm trying to push myself to accomplish. I tend to get so jaded with the 'big pictures' of ideas that taking the baby steps to finalize such attempts dissipate after the first.. couple.. steps. Don't know if I should be blaming the modern day feeling of "I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now"... which reminds me, a customer made fun of me the other day for not being a big fan of advanced technology (in this case, Iphones) but having a computer is enough for me, I don't render it necessary to/don't want to be: any more addicted to the information superhighway as is/have and want everything immediately.
Well there, I wrote a bit of a chunky paragraph. That wasn't too hard. Actually, this feels so much easier than before. I swear a different switch has been flipped in my head... I'm not my god awful self that I was during the winter.
Today has been too much. Here is a compiled list.
- I'm lethargic about lunch shifts. I made six dollars today, and I put my all into every customer. (By 'every' I mean I had two tables... that was it.) A young couple just... didn't leave any tip, and I chatted with the girl/she talked to me more than her date/had separate checks/even asked me recommendations and I gave them happily. This was all on an extreme hangover, which I trooped out quite well, fortunately enough Sam gave me money to buy him, Aldolfo, and I coffee after the general hour of cleaning I do before opening.
- Going to be lucky to make rent this month, have made the executive decision of moving somewhere less expensive, even though I love Williams Street... at work today, my mind was wandering into the 'Karyn, move to New York City, no.. San Francisco! How about Austin? Philadelphia?!' crevice of my brain. But seemingly enough, I think I've fallen a little more in love with Northampton... finally. I've really met a spiderweb of amazing people; I'm the fly caught in the middle... who suicide bombed into it purposely.
- Looking at Kyle's place on Saturday before I get massacred by Pride Day and Moshi. $260 instead of $500 a month? Yes please. Wanting my tax return money badly.... Since I never have the money to buy anything for myself, these are the things I aspire to get:
*nice headphones so I can stop buying the cheapies that break in two weeks
*my tattoo finished before Nate moves in October
*voice recorder or video camera, preferably both
*Netflix... used to have it and miss it so...
- May 1st FAFSA deadline. I started it but didn't finish it, mother of hell. GCC or HCC, that's the debate.
- Trying to make comics... need a partner in crime. Moving in with Kyle might resolve this issue.
- Looking into secret second job (because the psycho part about Moshi is they will not want me to have another but I CANT SURVIVE on this one alone dammit) at Whole Foods... Patrice's co-worker wants to put in a good word for me/I can't let Moshi control me like they're trying.
- Eventually giving into my stubbornness and foolish pride/fear of getting my leg checked out by a vascular doctor. Weekend shifts are super intense, and my body generally doesn't want to move on Sundays. It has been relatively more bearable to deal with, since sun and warmth seem to help extremely well - these past few cold shitacular days though.. ouch. Going to start remembering to do Amanda-Jeans method of putting my legs against the wall to better circulate those worn out bloodstreams of mine. There's little teeny weeny worries in my blood cells floatin' about.
- I need to get Rocky and Bullwinkle back in my life, stat.
Fortunately enough, I'm learning to relax. I'm reading and listening to records constantly, I have amazing uplifting friends, I'm constantly thankful for what I do have right now. Like Adolfo told me today, I'm a tough girl. Sometimes I don't know how I do what I do, do. doo doo doo....
edit: shoot me in the face:
Kyle: Oh, shit. Uh, it sort of fell through. There was another person in the process of finalizing it, and the roommates wanted it done before the end of tonight if possible. I sent you a text to try and get you over earlier.
Sorry to get your hopes up, I found out about that second part after you were offline. :/:/
-----------------------
WHY?!!??!
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[19 Apr 2010|03:40pm] |
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You seem discontent. Wish I could change that.
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