It's been a while since I've made a real entry, hasn't it? One that all you people out there in TV Land can comprehend, anyway. Well, tonight, I'm in the mood to explain things. This doesn't happen much anymore, so take advantage. Take advantage.
I'm not high. I probably won't smoke any tonight. Lately, I've been tending to smoke a little bit a couple hours before bed. I like to say that it's just to relax and unwind, and sometimes that is all it is. Sometimes though, I wonder why I'm really doing it. Thinking about it now, I think I get high way too often. It's not really how often I'm high, it's just that I tend to smoke alone. I don't, y'know, hang out with some friends, get high, and goof around. I just go outside for a little while and sit. Why the hell am I doing this so much? I'm not really sure, but I'm going to make an attempt at figuring it out.
I still really like Crystal. Not sure if all of you know that. But, yeah. When I'm hanging out with Crystal, that's when I'm most happy. Nothing makes me feel better. It doesn't matter what we're doing, just being around her feels really good. I couldn't imagine something I'd rather be doing, at any time. I think that's part of why I do what I do. Being around her feels so good, but deep down it really depresses me sometimes. Despite her saying some things that would indicate otherwise, it rarely feels like there's actually the possibility for something more between us, or even that there could be in the future, and it kills me. Even though she's said the opposite before, it never really seems like she'd be interested in that. She seems perfectly okay with what we have now. Sometimes I honestly doubt she even thinks of me as a guy. I think I'm just "Brandon" to her. I'm just a friend. Genderless. Like the notion of romantic involvement with me is just completely ridiculous to her.
If I really thought something could happen, I'd stop this. Without a second thought. I wouldn't have the slightest problem with it. I think being high kind of reminds me of how nice it feels to talk to Crystal and hang out with her, but then I'm too stoned to over analyze things and put my special pessimistic spin on it. Because, of course, I can't be optimistic when it comes to my life. I'm hopelessly pessimistic. Do you know why I'm so pessimistic? That side of me is usually right. When I'm optimistic about things, I always end up disappointed. The worst things always happen to you when you're expecting the best, so I've unknowingly trained myself to expect nothing good to happen. God, I am a sad individual. That's a horrible way to think. But I have no reason to think otherwise.
I've come to a decision. I'm going to severely cut down on the reefer. I'm saying it right now, putting it out here, so you people can monitor me. So I can't say I didn't say that. It's no way to deal with things(or not deal with, rather).
Other than that, I honestly don't see too much changing very soon. I'm going to keep hanging out with Crystal when she wants to, and I'm going to keep pretending I'm okay with just being friends, even though it's driving me insane. I'm going to keep being unhappy with the way things are going for me right now. And I'm going to keep hope that maybe, someday, by some incredible stroke of luck, there will be some chance for something to happen between us. Just a chance, that's all I ask. But that's probably asking too much.
Maybe I'm a complete moron and something could happen. I don't really have a clue. That's why I assume nothing. When I don't have a clue how something will turn out, I expect the realistic scenario that I'd like the least. And I'm usually at least close.
Is there really any point in even trying anymore? It's completely out of my control. I don't have any influence over the outcome of this at all, and all my bitching and moaning doesn't do a damn thing but make me look like an ass, and probably make Crystal feel bad, because she seems to think she's responsible any time I feel like this. I'm really sorry for that.
I wish I could just hand over control of my body to somebody else. I'm sure anybody else could do a much better job than how I'm doing. I'm not very good at this whole "life" thing.
I know, I'm only sixteen, still in high school, it's just one girl, it shouldn't get to me so much. But I can't help it.
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- Brandon (
makeitelectric_) wrote,