Brandon

08:26 pm: I really hope my room doesn't burn down or something.
It's always cold in here, so I plugged in this old radiator that I found. Yeah, plugged in the radiator. It's protable, or something. The tag on the electrical cord says a bunch of shit about keeping clothes and flammable stuff away from it, but I can't find anywhere down here more than 3 feet from some kind of cloth or electronics (which I am NOT putting a heater by) and still actually within range of an electrical outlet (or close enough to where I spend time in here to have any effect). Hopefully nothing catches on fire, and hopefully this thing heats up more than just the air in the foot or so area surrounding it.

Something weird is going on with my stomach. I can hardly finish a meal anymore without feeling sick to my stomach and feeling even moreso any time I look at the food. Especially with breakfast, for some reason. And these pizza rolls I'm eating right now taste like shit. Probably because they're really old or something. Fuck it, I'm having Fruit Loops instead. I haven't had cereal in a couple weeks, anyway, because of those damn antibiotics. Stupid bronchitis. At least I'm done with them and healthy again now, though.

08:21 pm: It's really weird to see a close friend, somebody whose company you enjoy so much based largely on the fact that it's somebody who seems honest and real, acting so goddamned fake with other people. For that person to one minute be a near-impeccable example of what you look for in a friend, and for them to be exactly what irritates you to no end about the people you can't stand another minute. Shit. But, whatever. People are different depending on who they're around, I guess.

07:03 pm: A picture of Ray Davies eating a hot dog

10:24 pm: ( another drawingCollapse )

07:49 pm: Holy crap, the internet!
I'm actually using the computer every once in a while again. Who knows, I might even post something interesting here occaisonally again! ...But don't get any ideas.

I dunno, not much interesting going on to talk about, really. My mom thinks I may have ADD after reading some article the other day, and since I tend to not do my work in a lot of classes. I read the article, and most of the stuff it mentions does seem to correlate with things I've noticed about myself, so she may be right. It would help me a lot to be more focused. I'm pretty scatterbrained most of the time, it feels like I don't have much control over my thoughts. I tried taking a dose of an all-day cousin to ritalin (Concerta) today, and I was able to actually sit down and type out my 4-page psychology paper in an hour or so. Plus, I could focus more when I was drawing, which was pretty nice.

I'm drawing more often. I'm happy about that. I want to start drawing a lot more, maybe actually get good at drawing the human body. Hopefully.

Sometime soon, I have to take a sample of my poop to a hardware store to color-match for paint. One of the last bits left to film for the Stupid Show DVD before it goes into post-production. Apparently Jason is getting his jaw wired shut pretty soon, which means we have to do the commentary soon. Hopefully that all works out.

School has been weird lately. I don't feel like I'm really doing anything, just kind of floating along from one day to the next. I don't get involved in a lot of the social aspects, which I regret. When I'm not working or drawing, I just kind of sit there and wait for the hour to end, watching everybody else to kill time. It's kind of depressing. I'm not good with people. Not at the first parts, anyway, which makes getting to the rest difficult. I'm not good at making small talk, or at making myself seem interesting. I don't really see myself as interesting, anyway. The friends I do have, I don't even remember how I got to know so well. I'm guessing they took the initiative when it came to getting to know each other, though. Most of the time, I really have no clue what to do in social situations. I don't ever know what to say, either, because there's never anything that I'm like "Hey, I wonder what this person thinks about blah blah blah" or "Did you hear..." etc. I'm never in close enough working conditions with the people I'm interested in getting to know to make that kind of conversation seem natural. I always get stuck by and with people I sort of know and don't really click with. But that's making excuses. Mostly, it's just that I'm not good with people.

I think I'm going to stop getting high before school. I want to start smoking less, and I figure that's a good place to start. I think I may just stop for school days in general. It's not as special anymore. I want to ensure that I don't start taking getting high for granted and let it become just another routine. It's part of this "fixing the mess I've made of myself" idea I've recently started to give some credit to.

This is longer than I was planning on typing, but oh well.

07:39 pm: ( some drawingsCollapse )

12:03 am: omfg angus: I feel like Steve Buscemi is yelling in my left ear right now
omfg angus: complete gibberish
omfg angus: sounds chinese

12:52 am: Feelin' like a new man/guy/whatever.
Ignore that last post, I guess I'll write in this again.

Something really strange happened today. Maybe not strange to some of you folks, but strange to me, and probably pretty strange to those of you that know me well. Today was Crystal's birthday, so a bunch of people were going to see a movie together. She came to my house and picked me up, and then we were rushing over to Bill's house to get him and then go to the movie. I'm sitting there in the car, and suddenly I find myself thinking "Hm. I'm not especially attracted to her anymore. How about that." Everything was exactly the same as always, but I was suddenly over her. I think what had kept me hung up on her for so long was that I had never really said everything I wanted to say to her, and I finally did that Friday night. I'd been feeling like shit, and having opened the fridge and seeing a whole lot of beer, I decided what the hell, I'm getting drunk." So I did. Later on in the evening, I wound up talking to her, and being slightly inebriated, just let everything out. I feel really good right now. I'm not going to bore the internet with the same old "I feel good, gonna change stuff, blah blah blah", so don't worry. Just, y'know, informing you internet-goers that I'm over Crystal, and that it feels pretty good. Over and out.

05:48 pm: One more thing:
I won't be posting on this anymore.

03:28 am: All right LiveJournal, let's talk.
It's been a while since I've made a real entry, hasn't it? One that all you people out there in TV Land can comprehend, anyway. Well, tonight, I'm in the mood to explain things. This doesn't happen much anymore, so take advantage. Take advantage.

I'm not high. I probably won't smoke any tonight. Lately, I've been tending to smoke a little bit a couple hours before bed. I like to say that it's just to relax and unwind, and sometimes that is all it is. Sometimes though, I wonder why I'm really doing it. Thinking about it now, I think I get high way too often. It's not really how often I'm high, it's just that I tend to smoke alone. I don't, y'know, hang out with some friends, get high, and goof around. I just go outside for a little while and sit. Why the hell am I doing this so much? I'm not really sure, but I'm going to make an attempt at figuring it out.

I still really like Crystal. Not sure if all of you know that. But, yeah. When I'm hanging out with Crystal, that's when I'm most happy. Nothing makes me feel better. It doesn't matter what we're doing, just being around her feels really good. I couldn't imagine something I'd rather be doing, at any time. I think that's part of why I do what I do. Being around her feels so good, but deep down it really depresses me sometimes. Despite her saying some things that would indicate otherwise, it rarely feels like there's actually the possibility for something more between us, or even that there could be in the future, and it kills me. Even though she's said the opposite before, it never really seems like she'd be interested in that. She seems perfectly okay with what we have now. Sometimes I honestly doubt she even thinks of me as a guy. I think I'm just "Brandon" to her. I'm just a friend. Genderless. Like the notion of romantic involvement with me is just completely ridiculous to her.

If I really thought something could happen, I'd stop this. Without a second thought. I wouldn't have the slightest problem with it. I think being high kind of reminds me of how nice it feels to talk to Crystal and hang out with her, but then I'm too stoned to over analyze things and put my special pessimistic spin on it. Because, of course, I can't be optimistic when it comes to my life. I'm hopelessly pessimistic. Do you know why I'm so pessimistic? That side of me is usually right. When I'm optimistic about things, I always end up disappointed. The worst things always happen to you when you're expecting the best, so I've unknowingly trained myself to expect nothing good to happen. God, I am a sad individual. That's a horrible way to think. But I have no reason to think otherwise.

I've come to a decision. I'm going to severely cut down on the reefer. I'm saying it right now, putting it out here, so you people can monitor me. So I can't say I didn't say that. It's no way to deal with things(or not deal with, rather).

Other than that, I honestly don't see too much changing very soon. I'm going to keep hanging out with Crystal when she wants to, and I'm going to keep pretending I'm okay with just being friends, even though it's driving me insane. I'm going to keep being unhappy with the way things are going for me right now. And I'm going to keep hope that maybe, someday, by some incredible stroke of luck, there will be some chance for something to happen between us. Just a chance, that's all I ask. But that's probably asking too much.

Maybe I'm a complete moron and something could happen. I don't really have a clue. That's why I assume nothing. When I don't have a clue how something will turn out, I expect the realistic scenario that I'd like the least. And I'm usually at least close.

Is there really any point in even trying anymore? It's completely out of my control. I don't have any influence over the outcome of this at all, and all my bitching and moaning doesn't do a damn thing but make me look like an ass, and probably make Crystal feel bad, because she seems to think she's responsible any time I feel like this. I'm really sorry for that.

I wish I could just hand over control of my body to somebody else. I'm sure anybody else could do a much better job than how I'm doing. I'm not very good at this whole "life" thing.

I know, I'm only sixteen, still in high school, it's just one girl, it shouldn't get to me so much. But I can't help it.