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17 September 2017 @ 08:32 pm
"You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."
02 June 2016 @ 12:27 am
It's exhausting to live in a world where the border around reality is constantly fuzzy. I hate that I have to medicate myself to function effectively, and yet even still my illness creeps up on me in waves. I often wonder what my life would be like if my brain was "normal." What would I be doing now, instead of sitting here writing this post? I'm tired and depressed and still waiting for it to get easier.

I guess I'm in a pretty okay place right now, given the other places that I've been before, but that thought provides little comfort. I'm still unhappy. I still wish everything was different. I wish I knew how to express how I feel, and I worry that by the time I figure it out, there will be no one left to listen.
30 May 2016 @ 01:30 pm
Something that I have discovered about myself over the past several years is my inability to view myself using the same lens through which I see other people. I never earn the benefit of the doubt from myself or get to catch a break, never receive empathy or understanding, and I am certainly not supportive. When someone feeds me a line (because, of course, they must be feeding me lines--they can't possibly mean what they say) such as "people care about you more than you know" or "you just need to believe in yourself" or even "you're not that bad", my immediate response is to debate them and prove that they're wrong, that they're naive, or that they're flat out lying. I'm sure this drives people nuts, and I've learned over time that the less I talk about any of this the better, but it is almost like it is embedded in my very nature. I know that what I say sounds so ludicrous to you, that I'm melodramatic and attention-seeking and that you can't possibly stand me another second, but in my mixed up and fractured mind it makes so much sense, is such the epitome of truth that it is an impenetrable fact that cannot be shattered. And yet, sometimes, as the words fall out of my mouth or flow from my fingers and through space to your phone or computer screen, I hear how absurd, how completely hypocritical I sound and yet I can't stop or correct myself because I don't know what the truth is anymore.

I could be introduced to a clone of myself, someone who is essentially me except for the very detail that he is not me, and I would speak to him very differently than I speak to myself. No matter how depressed you feel, how dejected or hopeless or lost or frustrated or angry or crazy or worthless you feel, I will have something comforting to say, or at least I will try or listen or support you however I can. I would put aside my world for you, if it meant for a moment that you might be okay. At least I would like to tell myself that, because even now I am contradicting myself in my own head, telling myself that I'm selfish and fake and already lying when I intended to write honestly. And that is the insanity of self-loathing, that you cannot escape that all that you do is wrong and horrible and nothing will ever change the fact that you deserve nothing more than misery because everything is ruined and it's all your fault.
Current Mood: listlesslistless
08 May 2016 @ 08:18 pm
a thousand miles
into madness
if it's real
or your imagination
21 August 2015 @ 07:57 pm
/complains about complaining
Current Mood: whiney
If there's one thing that has always disappointed me about myself, it would be my ability to destroy everything beautiful in my life (or my inability to appreciate the extraordinary). I know it sounds cliche, but it feels like everything I touch turns to ash in my hands. I lie, trash relationships, and have an impeccable talent for bailing when I'm needed the most. I think the worst part is that, despite all of my self-awareness, I never change. I live behind this facade that I'm some sad but compassionate person, but in reality I'm just plain crappy. I'm the worst of my father and the best of my mother, which makes for a wretched genetic composition. I know that DNA doesn't completely define a person, but I can't help but wonder if the world would have been a better place if David and Kim didn't decide to fuck at that exact moment 29 years ago. Then again, maybe I'm just looking for more excuses for my shitty and inexcusable behavior. The catch is that I do feel love, regret, disappointment, and yearning. I almost wish that I was a straight up sociopath, so that I wouldn't have to stew in the wake of my destruction; but this is the life I've been given and probably the life I deserve. I'm hesitant to put any more of my thoughts and feelings on this subject out in the great wide web. If I've hurt you once, the last thing that my selfish ass needs to do is hurt you again. Ever.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
02 August 2015 @ 02:53 pm
I pull people in, push them away, and then pull them back in just to push them away again. I don't know why I do it. I don't like that I do it. When all is said and done, I really hate myself for it. There are a few people from the past that I have extreme grabby hands for right now, and it's hard to fight off that urge to pull them back in when I know I'll just push them away again. I want people as close to me and as far away from me as possible at the same time. I want to apologize to you, but I can't bring myself to reach out to any of you because I know I'll do what I always do. Dissociate. Disappear. Besides, why should any of you believe me?
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
01 August 2015 @ 09:30 pm
Not sure whether I even want to read what I've posted or not. AAHH
Current Mood: scaredscared
21 March 2011 @ 06:04 pm
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
11 December 2010 @ 03:07 am
now what?