Something that I have discovered about myself over the past several years is my inability to view myself using the same lens through which I see other people. I never earn the benefit of the doubt from myself or get to catch a break, never receive empathy or understanding, and I am certainly not supportive. When someone feeds me a line (because, of course, they must be feeding me lines--they can't possibly mean what they say) such as "people care about you more than you know" or "you just need to believe in yourself" or even "you're not that bad", my immediate response is to debate them and prove that they're wrong, that they're naive, or that they're flat out lying. I'm sure this drives people nuts, and I've learned over time that the less I talk about any of this the better, but it is almost like it is embedded in my very nature. I know that what I say sounds so ludicrous to you, that I'm melodramatic and attention-seeking and that you can't possibly stand me another second, but in my mixed up and fractured mind it makes so much sense, is such the epitome of truth that it is an impenetrable fact that cannot be shattered. And yet, sometimes, as the words fall out of my mouth or flow from my fingers and through space to your phone or computer screen, I hear how absurd, how completely hypocritical I sound and yet I can't stop or correct myself because I don't know what the truth is anymore.
I could be introduced to a clone of myself, someone who is essentially me except for the very detail that he is not me, and I would speak to him very differently than I speak to myself. No matter how depressed you feel, how dejected or hopeless or lost or frustrated or angry or crazy or worthless you feel, I will have something comforting to say, or at least I will try or listen or support you however I can. I would put aside my world for you, if it meant for a moment that you might be okay. At least I would like to tell myself that, because even now I am contradicting myself in my own head, telling myself that I'm selfish and fake and already lying when I intended to write honestly. And that is the insanity of self-loathing, that you cannot escape that all that you do is wrong and horrible and nothing will ever change the fact that you deserve nothing more than misery because everything is ruined and it's all your fault.