Current mood:

confused

ok....
everything with the girls is good! I am glad bc I really did miss them and I do have a good time with them. 

Tonight I went to the gym with the girls...then I came back to my apartment to do a few things....then I went to melissa's to watch HOUSE (i love that show!)....Then my good friend liza broke up with her boyfriend bc things were not going good there.  She was sad about it bc she really did care for him but they are two very different people and they were at two very different points in there lives....at this point I was still chilling at melissa's but she kicked me out bc she had to get up in the morning, so I went to the library at school to wait for liza....when she was done we talked and then went to the broom ball game bc neither one of us was tired and we know some guys on the team....then we drove the long way back to liza's talked some more and then I went home....I am not tired at all and I am sure that I could pull an all nighter if I wanted but I don't think that would be a good idea seeing as tomorrow would be a bitch.

I have been thinking alot about how this year went and it makes me sad.  How come everything seemed easyer when we were younger?  I know that I haven't gone through anything too awful...well besides this past month...but I look back and I was soo much happier then.  I am at a point right now that I feel like I have no one.  I know in reality I do but I just feel so alone right now and I can't figure it out.  I have been feeling this way for a while and I didn't know what was wrong with me at first but it just dawned on me that soon all the friends that i see now i am no longer going to see.  Everything that I thought was going to happen in my life is not drawing out to be the same picture.  All of my good friends are going to be moving away....Melissa lives in Albany and she is going to grad school there....Liza might be joining her....Jordan is going to be living in buffalo....Drone is moving to Colorado along with Kim either ending with him or somewhere else equally as faraway....and my other friends already got out.  So, that leaves me in good ol sally.  And that also means I am out of a home bc jordan will be in buffalo and I can't live with my parents, i just can't.  There has been some talk about me moving to buffalo, but mostly me doing all the talking so in reality I don't think I am wanted.  Which is what it is I can't force somone to want me there. I thought I wanted to go to grad school right away but after much thought i realized that I can't stand school.  I am not school smart nor have I ever been...with that being said I feel like grad school would not be the place for me unless my heart was in it all the way.  That might change but as of now no grad school....

I have also been thinking of past christmas' and how happy I was to be able to get people things especially Jordan.  I like looking at old pics and feeling like wow...I am so glad that I was able to do that for someone.  This Christmas I am not able to do anything....not even a little.  I am so sad about this bc I love the look that people get when they are truly surprised!  I know that I am going to make it up when I do get my money but right now i feel like shit bc of it.  Then that got me thinking about how much I loved having money.  Even thought at the time I would complain about Jordan never having money to take me out or buy me things I wanted...it makes me feel so good that I was able to do that for him/us.  We used to make trips to Buffalo every so often to go to the movies and shop and eat and do whatever.  We would go to wal mart for fun at like 12 at night just for the fun of it, and we didn't necessarily have to buy something to make it a successful trip, and we were so in love back then that it makes sad now that things can't be like that anymore due to growing up and apart.   Another thing that makes me sad to think about is going to shows.  To be honest...when I first started going to shows i didn't really like it...i mean i did but not like i was playing out.  Now i miss them. 

So, my plan as of now is to get through my last semester of school, get things figured out with my bestest lover friend.  I can't even express how much I love this kid.  I don't think I truly realized it until things went shaky, but I know what I want and what I need.  I never would have admitted it then but I always had questions about my relationship with Jordan.  I mean...I knew I loved him and that I could tell him everything and anything but I new something was missing??? I don't know if missing is the right word, but now I realize that the "missing" part wasn't anything truly important.  I realize that I thought that the role of the boyfriend was to buy things that the girlfriend wanted at that time, ask me out to dinner and a movie, and to basically do everything that the man does in all those romance movies.  Now I realize that none of that stuff, in the long run, matters.  I feel that the media is trying to trick us into thinking a certin way about love.  I thought that to be truly in love that Jordan had to do all of these things that they do in the movies...and for all of you reading this we all know Jordan would be the last one to think of any of those things.  But now I realize that instead of a romantic I have a real person.  The person who challenges me and makes me want to be a better person bc he is so good, he is a loyal friend, he knows just what to say or not say, he makes me laugh (even though I am really good at holding it in), he makes me appreciate music and movies in a way I never would have if i never met him, and he looks at me in a way that no one ever will or could.  I look at it this way...instead of getting me a romantic gettaway to nowhere he got me a digital SLR in which I will have for ever!  I could go on and on about how much i love this kid, so then I think about life without him and it makes me sad.  How can one person make you feel so happy and sad at the same time??

i think i'm done for now...sorry for everyone who just read this and got depressed but i think it helped me bc i got it all out.