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concentrated on falling apart

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[01 Feb 2006|09:35pm]
if you read this you know.
and i trust you to keep it between the few people who know.
i don't want to talk about it. ever.
it's the one thing that keeps me semi-sane in my life.
i'm fine and everyone knows it. thanks for your concern though. you handled it well.

now that you know my deepest, darkest, scariest freaking secret ever, i guess i've officially let that wall down, huh?

okayyyyy. so now..yea.
alrighty then :)
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[21 Jan 2006|04:31pm]
i feel gross
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[16 Jan 2006|02:36pm]

as requested. and my neck really isn't this hairy....

what do you think? it's not as red anymore, this was the day after.

5 comments|post comment

[26 Dec 2005|02:49pm]
does diet coke really make you gain weight?
why am i freaking out about this?
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[14 Dec 2005|08:23pm]
my grandpa fell into a coma a day after my mom took him to the hospital. he wasn't responding a day later, so they put him on a respirator. on saturday, we took the respirator out. he died 20 minutes later, with me, my 2 other sisters, his daughter (my mom) and his son in law watching.

watching someone take their last breath is something that no one can explain. it's like...a person is there, alive...and then just gone. i couldn't watch for a lot of it, i was too hysterical. my poor little old grandma...i felt so bad for her when she had to go to the wake/funeral. oh god it was awful.

now i feel like shit. emotionally/physically.







i've gained so much weight. i need things to start going better. i'm fasting as of midnight tonight. i know that fasts never work, i just need to kick my ass.

i'm so far behind on everything. on life. on love. family. school. portfolios. college. work. oh god i feel sick just thinking about it.

gotta go.
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[25 Nov 2005|10:59am]
feeeeeeeeeeling crappy.

going to the gym in a little bit. gonna burn off that thanksgiving-ness. then work from 5-10 tonight. sweet.

it starts again at midnight.
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[22 Nov 2005|08:14pm]

its been.......48 hours? yea.

i think i'm going to weigh myself tomorrow. scaaary.

so, some "fun" facts about thanksgiving:

7,100 calores- number of calories consumed by one person during a typical thanksgiving day feast.

7 lbs- average an american gains from thanksgiving to new years day.

mashed potatoes: 350 calories in one 1-cup serving.

apple pie- 227 calories/slice

corn bread- 555 calories in one 3-inch square piece

eggnog- 460 calories on one 8-oz.

jeez. holiday food is badd for you.

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[22 Nov 2005|04:21pm]
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm : http://diets.aol.com/a-z/cabbagesoup?id=20050610162209990009

its a cabbage soup diet...
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[16 Nov 2005|10:01pm]

lovely.


My reflection, dirty mirror
There's no connection to myself

I'm your lover, I'm your zero
I'm the face in your dreams of glass
So save your prayers
For when we're really gonna need'em
Throw out your cares and fly
Wanna go for a ride?

She's the one for me
She's all I really need
Cause she's the one for me
Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness

Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down

You blame yourself, for what you can't ignore
You blame yourself for wanting more
She's the one for me
She's all I really need
She's the one for me
She's my one and only

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[16 Nov 2005|09:38pm]
haha, i know why i've sucked. i got my period today. duhhh.


i feel a lot better about this whole situation.
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[14 Nov 2005|11:45am]
i have a stomach virus...i feel like shit.

i miss having my boy there. not that i miss him, i just miss the feeling of having someone. having the feeling that someone thinks i'm beautiful, and fun, and wants to be with me. that made me feel soo...calm. i was collected, i was under control. it was kind of like, he was the glass and i was the liquid inside. now i'm just allll poured out. does that make any sense? i'm not a dependent person...i just liked having the ability to depend on someone...like if i need to, he would be there.

i'm doing this on my own now i guess. it's not his fault that i can't commit. jesus, i can't even spell committment.

so i gained approximately 10lbs over the past 3 months from volleyball. i'm pretty positive that some of it is muscle considering i can tell from just looking at my body. thank god volleyball is over. these 10lbs must be gone now.

i'm not auditioning for the play at my school anymore due to neeeeeding to work. i have no money and it's really pathetic. shopping is a form of therapy for me. even if i just buy one thing. i feel like it's....i don't know i can't really describe it. so, in order to keep myself out of a psychologists office, i must send myself to the mall, where i need money. therefore, i'm becoming a workaholic. as well as an alcoholic. but that's nothing new.
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[09 Nov 2005|07:21pm]
fat tired and pissed off.



this is how i've been feeling the past two months. it all comes to an end this weekend.

breathe in. breathe out. i never thought i would forget how to breathe. i obviously have.
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[26 Oct 2005|05:23pm]
the past two days i've had to wear black sweatpants underneath my jeans becuase :
1. my jeans are too big.
2. i'm always freezing.

i like that my loose jeans are made to feel tighter when i wear sweatpants underthem, becuase i forget i'm wearing 2 pairs of pants and then i think "holy shit, my fat jeans are tight!? since when?" and i don't eat. wonderful.
4 comments|post comment

[19 Oct 2005|06:36pm]
i haven't weighed myself in a week.
i've felt too fat.

today is my "weigh in day" but i refused to. this is the longest i've gone without weighing myself.



i will not weigh myself untill monday morning.
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[17 Sep 2005|11:49am]
i want volleyball to end so i can fast.
dane cook is my loverrrrrrrrrrrr

i've gained muscle, not fat, which is good i guess.
but i don't like muscles. i like bones. i don't like fat. and muscle can turn into fat.

i wore my cowboy boots last night <3
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[18 Aug 2005|11:20am]
maaaaaaad slutty.

i love making out at redlights and then spending 20 minutes in the car in front of my house making out and going nooooowhere. it's awesome.

i woke up so fucking confused. probably becuase....
1. i'm sick. my brain is all out of whack becuase i can't breath.
2. i was waaaaasted last night and it was amazing.
3. my friends are acting funny.
4. i was hot becuase i turned my a/c off.
5. i don't have work. this wouldn't be one of the factors that made me confused, but i'm just like, really really fucking happy about it.

i'm going to the flea market today and it's going to be amaaaaazing. i loves it.
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[12 Aug 2005|05:41pm]
i feel like shit.

i'm in love.

i still feel shitty though. tomorrow is a new day.
tonight....40 oz. many.
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[03 Aug 2005|05:19pm]
38 hours. feel great.
i'm falllling in love.
i don't know how to stop.
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[02 Aug 2005|11:05am]
2am. going for atleast 4 days. sweet.

i think i'm falling in love. and i'm scared shitless.

Everything I once had
The bar on 1st Avenue, we went there solely for you
So you can flirt with my best friend
Kiss a girl, tell me why you're laughing

I won't hold on to this
There's a hole in the trust that we mapped out
In my bed for six long months

February, Valentines Day
Did my best to avoid the red cliches
So you dumped me on the subway
On my way to work at 9 in the morning
Everybody else is holding bouquets
Now I'm holding my face in the basement
Scratching away for any trace
Of affection you will leave
Falling victim as the publics prey

I won't hold on to this

Anyone is suitable for you, I guess, tonight
You weren't fazed
It's over with
You my beautiful
You weren't fazed
It's over with you my beautiful
With your beautiful blue and white
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[22 Jul 2005|01:13pm]
11 hours.

tonight = partying it up.
work = not partying it up.

i'm only gonna work 3 hours today. too tired to do anymore. i just wanna watch tv.
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