Okay, I'm gonna spend today going through a week's worth of posts and comments yet again. I got to some of the comments earlier in the week, but if you commented and I never responded, I'm so sorry and I'm gonna do it right now, I promise.

But, before I do that, I'm posting some story, so it doesn't get to this evening and I've completely forgotten to do so. :-)

I'm sorry if anyone's been waiting for this. I'm going to post a few parts like I did last weekend in an attempt to catch up.


Before I start, though, I think another angst warning might be in order. Lots of angst, lots of plot, lots of two men being, well, men, and very little smut. :-) If you don't like that sort of thing now might be the time to jump ship. I'm also gonna say: yes there is a happy ending, just not any time soon. *g* So ...

A Harsh Master

Angel followed Spike quietly as they made their way through the sewers. He found himself thinking about Xander and his boy, something he'd always tried his hardest to avoid doing. But what he'd seen this evening ... He'd never really thought that Xander might love Spike, or that Spike might love the irritating kid back.

It made him wonder, though. Would this have happened if he'd stayed with Buffy, if he'd actually had a chance with Cordelia? Sooner or later it was always going to come down to vampire and human and whether or not it was possible to fit those two worlds together.

He watched Spike stalk cheerfully through the tunnels, humming some god awful piece of punk rock that had to be scaring away half the things they'd come down here to kill. He looked happy. Certainly didn't look worried, like Angel knew he should be. Didn't look like he had any idea that the punch he'd thrown this evening had cracked the glass of his relationship with the kid or that if he kept going the way he was, that relationship was going to shatter into a million tiny, painful and irretrievable pieces.

What Angel couldn't decide was whether or not he cared enough to try and stop it. And even if he did, who was to say they wouldn't both be better off without each other? He couldn't honestly see Spike changing his attitude enough to suit Xander. Being a vampire did mean you were stronger, more capable than humans. It was only natural that Spike would want to protect the person he was in love with, all the more if that person was too weak to protect themselves. Which, he had to admit, Xander really wasn't. He'd been patrolling with the kid a few times, before and once after his little trip to Africa, and the most Xander'd ever come away with was some serious bruising. The kid could take care of himself, especially if he was working as part of a team. But still, he could understand Spike's urge to keep him out of harm's way.

Xander didn't see it that way, obviously. And Angel figured he could also understand the boy's desire to feel like an equal in the relationship. Whether or not he understood Spike's protective urges, sooner or later they were just going to feel patronising, confining, irrational and he had a feeling that wasn't a cage the boy would be prepared to live in.

And putting Xander in danger would tear Spike up inside as much as being parcelled away and catered to would Xander.

Angel knew that this was really only the tip of the iceberg.

Once he started thinking about it, there were so many things that just wouldn't be resolved, no matter how much passion, determination and dogged ignorance they were determined to show.

He grimaced a little at Spike's back. He was aware that he was being unreasonable, being annoyed by the fact that somehow Spike had managed to make him think about how he was fucking up his relationship with Xander, and because it was Spike he had to care, which made no sense, seeing as he really had no interest in caring about anything that involved Spike.

He sighed, bracing himself for the conversation. Damn soul. Spike turned to look at him curiously. "So ..." Angel said vaguely, before realising he didn't really have anything planned.

Spike raised an eyebrow and fell into step beside him. "Something on your mind, mate?"

"Ah, well, actually, I was thinking about Xander. You and Xander, I mean," he qualified, although he couldn't imagine even Spike could believe he'd be interested in the boy for any other reason. He grimaced at the very thought.

Spike looked surprised. "That right? And what astoundingly insightful conclusions have you come to?" he sneered. "Somehow I thought I might have managed to pick one you didn't want to take away from me this time. Don't tell me I was wrong? Always got the impression the boy managed to piss you off almost as much as I do," he smirked.

"He just ... doesn't really seem like your type, if you know what I mean."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "My type? Well I s'pose you're probably right at that. Few years ago I wouldn't have looked at the bloke sideways. 'S probably the soul talking, really. I was practically in love with him back when I was actually alive, even though I only knew him for a little while. But I saw him then, same thing I see in him now. There's more to that man than you'd think, once you take the time to look."

Angel couldn't help but frown at the look on his boy's face. The way his eyes softened and the smirk fell from his lips. Like they way he'd looked at Drusilla, but more ... more human. It was truly disconcerting thought. "Since when have you been into guys anyway?" he asked, looking to cover his discomfort.

Spike sent him an odd look. "Ah, since what the bloody hell difference does it make anyway? I'm not going to shag him just 'cause he hasn't got tits? What d'you think I am, shallow? I'll have you know it wasn't actually about sex first."

"That, I can well believe," he muttered.

"Meaning what, exactly, mate," Spike snapped dangerously. Meaning he knew Spike either did completely casual sex, or went and fell in love with the object of affections practically before making any moves at all, but he was hardly going to say that out loud. "You can't tell me you haven't noticed him."

Angel snorted. "Jesus Spike, I wouldn't touch the man with a ten foot pole."

He realised what he'd said pretty much when Spike grabbed a handful of his jacket and slammed him up against the nearest wall. Fortunately they were, as per usual, wandering around alleys and there was no one there to see them. Not that anyone would have raised a finger if they had been. There were probably only two people in the entire city who'd step in to stop an alley brawl, and they were about to be involved in one of their own. But for once Angel figured if he really wanted to talk to Spike they could maybe try to avoid the bruising and lacerations.

So he stayed mostly still and managed to keep from rolling his eyes when Spike growled, "You seem to be tryin' to imply somethin' about my Xander, mate."

"_Your_ Xander?" he asked before he could stop himself, aware he sounded slightly incredulous. He'd seen it, of course, but he hadn't expected Spike to admit to it just yet.

Spike scowled, but loosened his grip when Angel continued to just stand there. "You heard me, Angel. You keep your hands off him. I've seen how you two've been getting along. This one's mine. You so much as look at him the wrong way and I'll stake you so fast your _dust_ won't have time to blink."

Angel narrowed his eyes, shrugging off the hands on his coat as he took a step forward. "And how's it going between the you two, Spike? All peaches and cream?"

He watched the uncertainly appear in Spike's eyes with a certain callous satisfaction. "What the bloody hell are you talking about? 'Course it's fine. Just as long as you keep your bloody interferin' nose out of it."

Angel scowled and pushed past Spike. Why the hell did he think helping Spike out would be such a fantastic idea again? Well, fine, the boy didn't think he needed it, Angel could give a damn. "You got it, Spike. You've successfully reminded me why I truly couldn't give a shit. Let's just go find something to kill."

"Right, good. Just so long as you understand that."

He ignored the confusion that the cocky sneer couldn't entirely hide. Let him screw up his relationship; Xander'd sure as hell be better off for it in the long run and right now he couldn't care less what Spike might or might not need.

As the man had unequivocally reminded him, it was none of his damn business.


Whatever Spike and Angel had talked about while they were out hunting, it apparently hadn't helped. Xander hadn't been tired, naturally, something Spike would have known just by looking at him, assuming he'd bothered to look. But Xander was trying not to think about that. Actually, that wasn't true, he was trying to think about it, about all of it. He knew he had to, but he also knew he didn't want to, presumably because some part of him had already worked it all out and he just wasn't prepared to face any conclusions it might have come to.

He'd gone back upstairs after Spike and Angel had left, mostly because he didn't want to have to go home by himself. It had taken all of one glance to convince Wesley to leave his books, which told Xander just how bad his face must look. Not that there was really much to say. The conversation had pretty much started and ended with Xander saying, "Spike didn't want me to go with them. He says he's afraid I'll get hurt. You can probably expect him coming around looking for a spell or something that'll protect me." He'd shrugged, looking down and giving a little humourless laugh. "Or maybe not. Wouldn't be surprised if it slipped his mind somewhere in there."

He'd looked up to see Wes watching him quietly, the compassion showing only in his eyes. "He's a vampire, Xander, you must have known where this would lead."

So he'd grinned, or tried to. "Yeah, sure, I guess. Got no one to blame but myself, I know. And it's not like he hasn't got a point, I am only human, he is better than I am. At the whole fighting thing, I mean."

It had been a little harder to maintain the humorous façade when Wes winced in sympathy. "Oh dear, he didn't say that, did he? And you know that's not what I meant."

He'd sighed. "Yeah, Wes, I know."

Thing was, that didn't make it any less true.

He'd made the one mistake he'd never been able to understand when Buffy had told them what she'd been doing with Spike. The one thing he'd thought he'd never be able to do. He'd forgotten that Spike was first and foremost a vampire. It wasn't that he couldn't understand _why_ he'd done it. Spike getting a soul, wanting to fight the good fight, because there were people in the world he loved enough to want to save. Maybe he hadn't realised it at the time, but those things had gotten inside of him, changed him, the way he thought. Then with William, who was so human, and so vulnerable and so very much a part of the Spike that he knew that it was almost impossible to draw a line down him and say that this was where the human started and the vampire ended. And with everything he'd already been feeling he just hadn't bothered. Spike just was who he was. But he was also _what_ he was. And as Angel as Wes said, what he was, was a vampire. A demon, strictly speaking.

But he'd been thinking about it all evening and he'd come to the conclusion that maybe it didn't really matter anyway. Relationships were all about compromise, at least in his experience. If you cared about someone enough to stay with them, you were inevitably going to have to give something up to make it happen. And when it was something you just couldn't let go of, or you had nothing left to give, that was when relationships ended.

So what if Spike didn't want him to go out patrolling without some protection? What, he was going to get all grief-stricken over not being allowed to get battered and bruised on a regular basis? Shit, he should be happy that Spike cared enough to try and protect him from himself.

The question was, what was it worth to him? Was he prepared to leave Spike over something as inconsequential as this? Sure, Spike was stronger than he was, faster, more capable. So he might not be able to go out patrolling with them, he could help people in other ways. And maybe Spike was a vampire, a demon, Xander was sure he'd never hurt him, was sure that Spike really did care about him. He _wanted_ to see where this thing with Spike could go. Maybe it wouldn't go anywhere and Xander would be back on a plane to England none the worse for wear. But as long as it was just this one little thing, then he decided he couldn't really see what the problem was.

He hadn't spent much time with Wes, wanting to be back at his apartment, like he'd said he would be, when Spike got back from hunting with Angel.

But when Spike got back he was weird, twitchy, kept looking at Xander like he wanted to say something, but never quite worked up the courage. Even when Xander asked him what was wrong he just hesitated and said it was nothing. Eventually, Spike stood up, kissed him soundly, and said he should be heading back to his place. Xander didn't argue, although he did pull him for another passionate kiss before he let him out. Whatever was wrong would either sort itself out or would be all but forgotten by the time they saw each other the next day. In Xander's experience that was the way things generally worked in relationships, too. Besides, if it was really important he was sure Spike would have said something. It wasn't like the vampire to not say something just 'cause he wasn't sure of the reception it would get.

Sure enough, a couple of days later Spike had settled down. Every now and then Xander had caught him looking at him suspiciously, or reflectively, or something anyway. Like he was looking for something. Every now and then he'd look like he wanted to talk about it, too. It did, in fact, occur to Xander that it could have, probably did have, something to do with the way he'd reacted to Spike's concern the other night. But Xander had decided nothing had changed, so as far as he was concerned there was nothing to talk about. And his determined relaxation was apparently convincing, because eventually Spike decided there wasn't a problem after all and things went back to normal.