word

laments_ @ 2008-06-13T14:29:00

2008-06-13T18:30:49Z

today I am in section 2. Smoking, but not for long. I have until October for this casino to have business.

Gas prices are increasing at breakneck speeds. I can't afford much anymore between things.

I will be one day late with my car payment, and a couple days late with my car insurance, despite my best efforts...

It seems like the money just flies away....

laments_ @ 2008-06-13T14:22:00

2008-06-13T18:24:45Z

last night was weird because I had to take something to go to sleep, i was having anxiety and everything seemed unreal and I was very scared, and Tom seemed to be inducing it.

but I missed my tattoo appointment yesterday and I can't believe how dumb I am, but I just don't have the money anyway, it was seriously a mistake though and I feel bad for shorting him 100$. I don't think it was time for me anyway now that I really think about it.

But I went to the beach instead and frolicked in the waves with meredith while pondering the universe! it was much worth missing the appointment

I have five days until I take my test, I'm pretty anxious.

laments_ @ 2008-06-08T14:25:00

2008-06-08T18:28:19Z

Yesterday was fantastic..after the night before of drinking I woke up around noon and played tekken for a while, then tom came home from work and we played some pool and I started reading The Secret, this awesome book, absolutely fantastic selfhelp. I went to work at nine and it was still light out. I was in 36 and there were a lot of people that were really generous to me and I hooked all the partygoers up with various beers. One group stuck out in my mind were three guys who were presumably gay, hanging out for hours tipping me eight dollars a drink, as I brought them out whatever I could think of...the breaker made an excellent tip in my section too to balance out the bullshit she had to deal with. All is very well. I had to work overtime until about five thirty/six so I was very very very tired by the end but I blasted music on the drive home and got to sleep until twelve, now I'm back here at BORGATA! There will be a CD player in the bar so I can play some good music today while I hustle around.

laments_ @ 2008-06-01T20:20:00

2008-06-02T00:21:32Z

hahaha my first no-time on-call ever! I should have been in 33A tonight and honestly...I didn't want to go. 33 is the number of doom.

The only downside is I'm all showered and ready to blast off. I guess I'll have to compensate by drinking a ball de melon

laments_ @ 2008-05-31T12:04:00

2008-05-31T16:08:36Z

I had a profoundly emotional fucked up dream that I had Tom's baby. The baby was extremely light skinned and small...like four pounds. It seemed to have orange hair, and was unhealthy. It almost didn't look like it was a human. I think in my mind a couple times it became a kitten like Simba, my orange cat. I'm not sure.

I remember at one point the baby was drifting on water and then started to sink, so I leapt in after him and I was under him as he sunk towards me. I grabbed him but I felt it was too late.

When I brought the baby up on water he became a flapping striper fish. But he was already seasoned with some kind of orangeey sauce, and everyone was waiting to have him for dinner.

The dream turned into me driving insanely through a dark and strange trailer park. Some unidentifiable male was in the car with me, pointing out a mystical wood creature. He was two feet tall and had a couple leaves out of his head. He frightened the shit out of me, and I tried driving away. Somebody was trying to get me to come inside and the inside of the trailor was too bright to handle. I succumbed to the woods.

laments_ @ 2008-05-31T00:46:00

2008-05-31T04:47:38Z

8/15/08 I am officially in the "safety" zone...somewhat.

It's not until September 17th that I will truly be SAFE from termination...when my first point drops off.

It says 7/16/07 was my hire date. I guess I have eleven months there.

laments_ @ 2008-05-30T23:51:00

2008-05-31T03:53:12Z

WHAT A WASTED NIGHT. I felt so out of place...everywhere. A couple of mainland kids showed up and I felt stupid. But proud. Again, stupid as I approached the asians. I love the Melon-Ball Haze. Delicious, wonderful.

waiting

2008-05-30T22:11:05Z

I am now on break. I have been less than fortunate with this job it feels. I hate this place right now. I hate the awful signs chastising us as employees, mocking our intelligence "Silence is Golden, So is Cleanliness" and whenever the toilet's broken they have to have some witty quote from the John himself. Talent services are bullshit.

I hate how my management manipulates me. I have a great chance to go home or stay and I choose to stay, and they pretty much CHOOSE who I want to pick up. I DIDNT WANT NINETEEN. You are supposed to ask the entire bar fools. Thanks for considering what's best for me jackass. I have 500$ of rent due and I'll be lucky if I walk out of here with a hundred bucks tonight.

OH HOW I GLAMORIZED Swing Shift. The business of this place keeps reducing and reducing by day. When its rainy, nobody wants to drive out or waste the gas money if it's ugly out, and now when it's nice out, everybody's resorting back to their natural sides and sitting on the beachside rather than blowing their extremely precious money.

The casino industry is a joke in itself for a recession. YES PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS GAMBLE DRINK AND INDULGE! WELL GUESSS WHAT ASSHOLES...we are just like Rome before it fell and there will be nothing left to drink and no money left to gamble. Such an idealistic hypocrisy this industry is. I NEED TO GET OUT..

I AM SO ANGRY. You can see this madness in me, everybody can. I have more girls staying away from me more than ever or whispering and mocking. I needed 50 cents today for stockings and when I asked a group nobody responded. SO I spoke louder, more desperately...this one girl with motorcycle hair screams OH GOD THIS GIRL NEEDS TWO QUARTERS...GET HER THEM BEFORE SHE FREAKS OUT ON SOMEBODY.

I guess I'm a fucking psycho. It won't be fucking long before I snap and hurt somebody or myself. WHATEVER FUCK YOU. As+

OH MISTER SUN

2008-05-29T17:11:57Z

I just baked myself so luxuriously. Au Naturel, one hour of real serotonin sunshine.

laments_ @ 2008-05-25T01:45:00

2008-05-25T05:45:55Z

I LOVE HOW OLD MAN WILLY HAS THE SAME SOUL AS GONZO HIMSELF!!!

Writer's Block: Lame jobs

2008-05-25T05:17:33Z

What's the worst job you've ever had?

View other answers

I've only had three but Saladworks was the worst because they made me scrub the toilets...and never actually let me make salads. I guess it worked best that way...

Writer's Block: Bit of the Ol' Buyer's Remorse

2008-05-24T02:38:53Z

What product have you felt guiltiest, or silliest, for buying?

View other answers

the sims 2 games and all expansion packs !

laments_ @ 2008-05-23T16:46:00

2008-05-23T20:56:41Z

Today is nice outside, the wind is at a minimum and my appetite is subtle for Mangia. I can see business rapidly picking up as the day is ending and nightlife calls. I drove to work trembling and hyperventilating

I've faced several addictions of stupid beatable trifles but I believe the worst I'm facing right now is my Borgataddiction. Silly but true, as I near possibly the end of my era here at this esteemed and important place I am becoming more stressed and obsessive than I ever have in my life.

No employer can replace what this one offers, the ultimate joy and surprise of every night, the inconsistent hilarity and friendships this place has given me and the time spent suffering days without sleep to feed my hunger and rise to the top. I am barely getting by on this new shift with 7.5 points as misfortune continues to weigh down my chances of staying here.

Today my keys evaporated into thin air and I barely made it on time. I cried and screamed throughout the house panicking, blacking out and hardly comprehending anything around me as I searched for them, choking on my fucking sobs as I panicked like a caged animal...

When I found my spare the traffic was overwhelming and my walk to the clock-in was riddled with men pushing construction carts and I was straddling the wire clocking in five minutes before late.

A life without Borgata right now is unthinkable. There is such pleasure I get from the simple Symmetry. stupid things that amuse me and keep me going like the way icecubs fit perfectly into identical glasses, how my dollars fold into groups of twenties with the faces all in a historical line of fire, how the straps of my shoes seamless, the clasps' edge penetrating instantly. The Tray is an extension of my arm, removable but has a sense of belonging like it's a part of me. How conformed I am to this place...when I unload glasses off of my tray and form several geometric shapes and when my tray is loaded and full, how the glasses fit gloriously into the customer's hand, the liquid brimming magically around the edges....its fucking perverse.

This is the only time obsessive tendencies come through and if it ends I don't know how I'll respond.

When a person uses stimulants the natural chemical reward "accomplishment" called dopamine is released instantly...bringing you to a state of euphoria. After a while you overstimulate the gland and it doesn't work the same and doesn't react how it should when you experience something pleasant naturally like good food, sex, or music. In turn, nothing gives me the same happiness anymore. I don't know if it's permanent but it feels like forever since I've felt like a person. Dysteria overwhelms me at times to where I feel like I'm unreal. Depersonalized. Anger comes so quickly and I snap like a cord at any disturbance. I'm isolated usually and dissatisfied often.

I believe it's getting better because I'm sleeping much easier rather than laying awake a paranoid insomniac....when I look in the mirror now things seem normal and not so distorted and unfamiliar...but HPPD is prevalent during exhaustion and patterned objects appear to swivel and move at close range.

I just want to feel normal again. Being sober is the only way to do this and it feels like I've been sober for so long yet its only been several weeks, almost a month. I want my neurology to regenerate so I can feel alive and passionate again. If Borgata decides to let me go which will only happen by the worst of luck I will be ruined because I cannot afford my lifestyle, car payments, rent, insurance and other bills, without it.

When I leave, I want it to be on my own terms, when I'm ready to detatch and go...I believe when this happens I'll be on a one way ticket to Aunt Leslie and I feel like she's going to save me and in turn I'll become an ample part of her vision and her legacy.

laments_ @ 2008-05-21T20:42:00

2008-05-22T00:46:00Z

I'm at Borgata now. I relish every day I get to spend here...I don't know how much longer I have left. Only three mistakes can determine this...so I hope I can stay on top.

I met a girl in the same situation as me...a former babe. She was on twilight for months and switched to on-call with a bunch of points from callouts (like me) and then got fired for an on-call mistake. holy shitake.

It urges me to try harder. Meanwhile Scarlett blew up on me, and Jay tried to act cool by saying he and I hooked up while they were together. LOSER. Seriously...he was such an asshole to me. I'm glad I have Tom

I guess I'm gonna go clock in and paint my face. I forgot my Hendrix ring today, but I bought 100 blank cds for $15 so this is good. Jon's renewed court date is on the fourth of June. He will most likely get pti. Now danielle has court for custody of her child. I hope the best for everyone, even if I don't know exactly what is the best. I know what's okay for me right now and I'm going to try to stay here at Borgata for a couple more years. I have a feeling things will work themselves out on one plane ride to Van Nuys.

IN A SWEATER POORLY KNIT

2008-05-21T23:03:45Z

In a sweater poorly knit, and an unsuspecting smile
Little Moses drifts downstream in the Nile
A fumbling reply -- an awkward, rigid laugh
I'm carried helpless by my floating basket raft

Your flavor in my mind swings back and forth between sweeter than any wine, and bitter as mustard greens
Light and dark as honeydew and pumpernickle bread
The trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead

As you plow some other field and try and forget my name, see what harvest yields, and, supposing I'd do the same
I planted rows of peas, but by the first week of july -- they should have come up to my knees but they were maybe ankle high

Take the fingers from your flute to weave your colored yarns, and boil down your fruit to preserves in mason jars

But now books are overdue and the goats are underfed... the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead

You're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence
You made a holy fool of me, and I've thanked you ever since
If she comes circling back, we'll end where we'd begun
Like two pennies on the train track the train crushed into one

Or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken, open seed
If I come without a thing, I come with all I need
No boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head
The trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead

I
do
not
exist
only
YOU
exist

laments_ @ 2008-05-21T12:03:00

2008-05-21T16:04:06Z

video i made of Tom....pretty silly

laments_ @ 2008-05-21T02:44:00

2008-05-21T06:45:21Z

today i made a movie about tom. it was my day off and i felt like myself. i'm itching to go to work tomorrow. i ran around in the rain and tried to sell things but nobody could. its amazing how hard it is to sell something in this society. toms waiting, gotta go...

laments_ @ 2008-05-19T12:33:00

2008-05-19T16:35:55Z

i dreampt of robert downey junior and he was the devil
i got a 100$ tip last night, which makes me happy that they never cut me from the station they should have cut me from. The guy who gave it to me is my guardian angel, because he didn't try to fuck me at all, he was just very kind and said "Here's ten percent of my jackpot". It was the best tip I ever got. I've gotten Black 100$ chips before, but they were all from disgusting assholes and afterward I always felt really degraded...I'm going to try to go to Ziko's right now, and get my tags switched, and otherwise, today is my roommate Danielle's birthday and we're gonna get wasted tonight.

redbull

2008-05-18T20:49:34Z

I slipped and fell and cursed and some bitch called me psycho. I screamed don't call me a psycho like a psycho. I love driving this new car. It's so wonderful and small, and perfect. fantastic

THIS LIFE IS A TWISTER.

2008-05-18T01:56:10Z

ROLLERCOASTER MY ASS. I AM SO CRAZY RIGHT NOW I HAVE TO DO THIS OBCENELY.

THIS IS WHY.

MY DAY STARTED OUT WITH GOING TO GET MY CAR. I HAD TO WAIT AN EXTRA TWO HOURS FOR IT. I SIGNED A FORM WHICH GAVE HONDA MY LIFE. 339$ A MONTH ALL FOR THEM. 500$ A MONTH FOR THE CAR INSURANCE COMPANY.

I DROVE AROUND ALL DAY LIKE A WENCH. I WENT TO GO GET MY SYSTEM PUT IN AND I WAS THERE FOR FIVE HOURS....EARL PUT IT IN FOR ME AND IT STILL DOESN'T WORK.
DAMNIT

I DROVE TO WORK BARELY MAKING IT ON TIME. AT PRESHIFT ALL HAPPY GO LUCKY I SIGNED A FORM WHICH SAID IF I AM LATE OR CALL OUT ONE MORE TIME I AM FIRED. GO ME.

I HAVE NINETY DAYS UNTIL .5 POINTS DROP OFF OF MY LIFE. THEN I AM STILL NOT SAFE. SIX MONTHS AND I'M SCOTT FREE. SIX MONTHS, NO CALL OUTS, NO LATES, NO NOTHING. NO COMPLAINTS, NO FORGETTING TO CLOCK IN OR OUT, NOTHINGNOTHINGNOTHINGNOTHING.

I'VE ALREADY WENT THREE MONTHS WITHOUT A CALL OUT OR A LATE. AS SOON AS THAT LAST POINT DROPPED OFF, I WAS FUCKING LATE BY MY IDIOT ASS NOT REMEMBERING TO BE THERE AT NINE O CLOCK.

I MUST BE A FUCKING RETARD.

WHERE THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET 800$ A MONTH IF BORGATA FIRES ME????

I'M SUCH A FUCKING RETARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. D.

detatchment

2008-05-16T07:32:19Z

why fuckwhy lately when life jolts me, smacks me, am I so weak to the blunt force when before it took such major trauma to move me...the funny thing is this "before" i reference doesn't even consist of one moment i can see in my brain and i'm left to scroll digitally through my jarbled bullshit to remember, the five years this journal has existed in my life...and when I read these entries where I lament so casually my DISMAY and TRAGEDY I feel like I've stumbled upon some whiny child's temper tantrum rather than a logical thought-out individual. I envy her. Her feeble issues which seemed so grand but don't compare to what anger pain and sadness surfaces when the slightest disruption to the current daily norms occur. So much ANGER now, when troubled, I have to smash and destroy or else the feeling consumes me and disorients me, and I start to leave my body, panicking, feeling my nerve endings exploding in flashes of RED and my sanity SWIFTLY vacating the small soft threshold.

How ironic and karma-tic that I lie to my boss when I simply FORGET to come to work, using my car as the excuse, though in my sly little brain I know that within four days I'll have a brand new vehicle, no worries. No worries almost. I still knew I was inches from losing the financial security that would ensure the vehicle. The vehicle that I ONLY USE PERSONALLY to travel to and from the borgata. I NO LONGER have to complain about carting around my FRIENDS, or whatever, the people who haven't attempted to make contact for a while, I've just put out of my daily life...but as the ones I live with manipulate this I pretend i don't see it, and as my boyfriend just steers clear of me when I get upset about it, then truly there is nobody.

WHY DONT YOU KNOW........

So what's the next turn, as the car I lent is sitting in a wawa parking lot unobtainable, only 30 hours closer to when I'm supposed to DRIVE IT to the DEALERSHIP to TRADE IT.BROKEN

HOW FUCKING IRONIC. THANK YOU FOR PROVING ME CORRECT.

Let's see how unbroken it is tomorrow. "John Bullshits A Lot"

I'll remember that Tom, when he asks me for my new car, if I even am able to get it, let alone afford it when perhaps tomorrow they tell me I'm being let go.

laments_ @ 2008-05-14T16:49:00

2008-05-14T20:49:58Z

NEWCARNEWCARNEWCARNEWCARNEWCARRRRRR

mike carr? my car?

I BETTER KEEP THE JOB OR I CAN'T KEEP MIKECARR!

mike carr you little bitch.

ICE CREAM MAN!!

2008-05-13T22:34:17Z

I heard the classic song coming up my street and screamed "Do you take visa?!?!"

She didn't so I ran inside and brought out some loose change and bought myself a yummy Oreo Cyclone..the lady gets herself into a conversation with me about how she had to spend 80$ on gas and how the world infrastructure is falling apart....here I am just trying to relive my childhood and here she is talking about how the world's gonna end!!

ah well. I was her only customer on Ebony Tree Avenue anyway so I guess her words prove right.

Oh yeah I bought a new car! Leased it but oh well. here she is

It's my first Brand New Car...a 2008 Honda Civic LX Sedan...BLACK...and I pick her up on Saturday...Goodbye stupid Dodge Intrepid ya piece of shit

I'M FUCKING EXCITED!!and this ice cream is fluffy and delicious.

Tomorrow is my roommates court date. Good luck Johnny. He just ripped the system out of my Dodge. This will be the fourth car it's been in.

Let's hope I don't fuck this up.

disappear throughout the flashing lights and winners and losers

2008-05-11T18:01:08Z

Last night I worked from 9pm-4am in 34, smoking slots. Fucking awesome, I didn't stop moving allllll night. Now my back and shoulder and legs are stiff as a bitch. I took two Tylenol PMs last night, I have to be back by 3:00 today. *@#(&$(@#&_!#(*$_#(@ I'm about to go....TTYL

WTH

2008-05-10T13:32:48Z

I dreampt about an apocalypse....everyone started getting really sick. Right before they died they would get really aggressive and bite and this is how it spread as well as being airbourne. I shot one of them, a girl about my age, so many times but supposedly the bullets were too small? They were...seriously the size of a pinprick or something, but I riddled her with holes and she still stayed up. I went to go buy better bullets, and I loaded the gun, and shot a lamppost from the passengers seat of my car as Tom drove, and it EXPLODED! A massive explosion.

I remember then things getting very bad. Tom was gone so supposedly he had died. I was with just my Mom and Dad and I figured my brothers were gone too. We were about to get on a plane and the terminal looked the same as Borgata's hallway to the Talent Entrance. I started to feel sick.

I looked around out the car windows before we got there and saw a football field to a high school. There were bodies everywhere, but they were floating as if they were underwater.

Planes crashed into eachother upon landing because the pilot died on duty. Some official looking lady tried to blame it on us. I used a hand sanitizer to keep the disease off and then I woke up.

I also drempt about Robbie Rob HPPD and record players