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[13 Apr 2006|04:19am] |
there is no point hiding away anymore. i dont care what people think and criticize about me. go ahead. i have my own life and ill live with it. ive came to a conclusion that i must get over it. i just must do it. i cant feel this way every single day. making my life miserable and everyone else around me the same.
im sorry to everyone that ive caused pain for. i didnt mean it. im serious. this may be only words to you but its from the bottom of my heart. im really sorry guys. take care and love all of you! :)
anyone of u wondering wheres my new blog. its right here.
rick.
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[12 Apr 2006|04:35pm] |
a little something something from my new blog.
u know what? eve has the exact same lip balm as she does. i smelled it and oh my God, it reminded me of her all over again.
widad bought me nutella from singapore!!
i dont want to cause anymore pain to anyone. its just wrong.
rick.
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[11 Apr 2006|08:47pm] |
i dont think its a good idea doing this anymore. writing a blog would just stir things up among strangers that dont know me at all.
i feel its rather useless to do this but i have no where to go to express my feelings. i would most probably find another journal to write in. dont worry guys. it will all be fine. i promise.
if u want to care, go ahead. if u dont want to, go ahead. its ur choices.
i was having an up and down feeling today. really up and down. one minute im up, the other im down. not sure what the hell is wrong with me, but ill figure it out. ive also been having the flu for the past few days. it just wont stop. starts when i get up. stops when i fall asleep. is it the side effects of the hiccups? no idea. i will miss this. telling this journal how i feel every single day. i will miss u.
goodbye journal. journal closed for the time being.
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[11 Apr 2006|05:59am] |
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all of u wait and see. i will change. just wait. u'll the the improvement in me in a week. ill be so different no one would realize its actually me. just u wait.
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[09 Apr 2006|03:22pm] |
i feel empty. i just did the biggest mistake and lost two of my closest friends, pik and jac. i over reacted and that cost me the only people that understands me the best. feeling empty inside isnt the best feeling in the world. i wish i just stop studying and just enjoyed my life with what i have now. not caring about anything at all. just running away towards something that isnt there and upon reaching, i would just lay there and let time go by. bit by bit. slowly. and just lay to rest there.
all i want to do now is save as much money as i can until the middle of the year. then run. run as far as i can. find refuge in some small town. just being alone and suffering alone. not have anyone care nor care for anyone. for me, running away is the best solution i can find now. there really isnt any choice for me as i have nothing to lose, i have lost every single thing in life. i have never gained anything at all, just misery and sadness. i would just want to drive to a place where no one knows. sell my number, sell the car, sell my computer, sell anything that brings me closer to technology or friends or family. i just cant take it anymore. life was so easy going before i came here. everything i did was all planned out in advance. now, its up to me to mend my own future. i would probably stay a bachelor for life. not wanting anything to do with women. im just afraid of all of them. i might find the perfect girl, but would she be that perfect? i thought she was so perfect for me, but i was wrong. im always wrong.
emptiness inside a man, no, a boy, kills him. he can never be the same again nor grow up from what is already is. i feel giddy. i feel empty. this wouldnt have ever happened if i just stayed in kk and worked there like what i wanted to when i was 16. being 19 today, its just really hard. getting older u would just find more things to add up to ur stressed already life. neither parents nor friends would understand how i feel.
ive lost the two best people in my life and theres nothing i could do about that.
i tried calling her, but she did not answer. the person i needed the most, even though i hated her, i still loved to talk to her and listen to her sweet voice. i guess that wont happen again. i guess i was wrong judging people. i guess i will be all alone. just jaide and i.
rick.
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[08 Apr 2006|05:58pm] |
a rather uninteresting day today. hehehe
i was suppose to send my mum to the lrt this moring but i was soooooo lazy i couldnt get up. i feel so bad. im such a bad son. should have just wake myself up. haih. stupid me.
anyways. woke up, went to giant and get some stuff. then off to pets family to get a wheel, drank in ming tien, bought fruits at the pasar malam then im back home!! weeeeeeeee. fun no? ok ok .. pics.
( pics )
rick.
edit.
u know, sometimes its just hard. not knowing what is happening out there. but the thing is, being busy is one thing but being selfish is another thing. it just makes people worry. got texted at 3am. texted back, no reply. texted back the next day. no reply. texted again half a day later. replied. oh well. why do i even bother? i care ... but if it doesnt return back then why derrick why? ur just some stupid boy that no one wants to be with. so just, leave other people alone derrick. please.
i feel that im missing something. i miss my mum. she called before she went for dinner, saying that she remembered me. she wanted to ask me to go dinner with her. hehehe really cute yet loving. i love her and i miss her. :( oh how sissy for me to cry again.
i wish im just a different person. i've moved on but its not as easy as i thought to move on. life is still here so m i. "u cant run away from ur past. so, before u make it ruin ur future, u might try learning to live with it." derrick t.
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[07 Apr 2006|07:30pm] |
i attended a talk last night and it motivated me to scam. it was about the piramid scam where u start off with rm2500. give it away to someone above u, and take more money from people below u. how cool is that? so yeah. so i met a lovely girl by the name of timy last night. introduced by one of my girl friend. shes very motivated in doing this where she already earns a steady rm3000-5000 a month. not bad for a girl her age! she fascinates me as how many people would really put their heart in it. really cool girl. chatted with her for around an hour or so? had a blast with her.
today was different. i went to sekeping serendah with my mum and her friends. there i met chris, fiona and elain. elain is a beautiful girl thats so hard working. she amazes me how young she is and such an avid learner. neither the less, we enjoyed sekeping serendah. it was so DAMN beautiful i tell u. pictures will be up soon as im kinda lazy to put it in now. hehehe so yeah, had a long chit chat with elain after the whole thing.
two days in a row, one girl each, if i keep up with this, i would get to know 23 more friends! how freaking good is that? so yeah.
i feel really good after texting her as i could finally tell myself that im not the only person that has flaws. everyone else has their own flaws and are trying to fix it or other people are helping them to fix it, but some people just love their flaws and just take it as a positive vibe. i care to disagree. what use is there to let people take advantage of u? what use is there to let people play with ur heart? do u really know them? are they telling the truth? are they even into you for YOU? ahah, thats a question everyone should ask themselves. i dont need too. because im not in one! hehehe how luck of me.
oh well ... life goes on. derrick is a helper, but if the helpee doesnt want his help, then derrick will try again but if the helpee still doesnt want to listen, then what else can derrick do? leave that person alone and just ... let them be. i mean, ur choice, ur life, ur future. its all in ur hands. what u r and what u do today will reflect on to u 5 or 10 years later. so think about that.
rick.
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[06 Apr 2006|02:23pm] |
these few days, i have had the longest shower in my whole life. just standing there and letting the water run through my whole body. really a calming solution i found.
rather interesting yet not worth talking about. God gave us an option to choose and decide. i think it was a wise choice that He made. making humans see the rights and wrongs. most of the time i see things wrongly but recently i guess its been right. i dont know why i have that feeling but its just there. God made everyone special, with their own personality, looks, charisma, attitude, and so on. i was born with a shy figure, an ugly face, poor sociability, unperportioned body, balding head, and other things i cannot stop. but one thing i know i have, is a big good lovable heart.
hulkie gave birth, my lil baby hamster!! the first one that came out of candy's stomach. its the cutest thing ever. too bad socks and candy couldnt see their daugther give birth.
life goes on.
rick.
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[05 Apr 2006|10:45am] |
i was suppose to go out today with my mum to kota tinggi. the place where we stopped by after genting and before colmar. i missed those times. i just dont know why i dont want to go. maybe because, just because.
she said my efforts and love wasnt gone to waste. then i said if it didnt go to waste, then we should be together and she wouldnt be with another guy. she just said she doesnt want to say anything anymore. everything else she could answer but not what came to her face that really was the truth. every time i get lies. so much lies.
i dont know how to deal with this anymore. i have moved on. but just the thought of her makes me wonder, is she really worth fighting for again? is she worth changing for? is she worth loving for? those are questions that i have no answers to. i just ponder and just ask myself every single day. but i have moved on. im living with the fact that she is actually dating someone else now, that she has moved on faster than me. yay for her. yay.
life is almost crumbling down on me again. thank God my mum is here. she'll be gone soon. i think i would just fall. fall so low i dont know how to get up again. im just afraid it might effect my studies. thats my biggest concern. maybe shit happens, if its not meant to be then its not meant to be right? but i love fighting for what i want. fighting for someone i love. sigh, i guess now its too late, i would just be a waste of time. heck, i've been compared too, how the hell do i compete with someone that has better qualities then me? pfft. i suck. derrick, why dont u just die.
rick.
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[04 Apr 2006|09:38pm] |
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today was a rather interesting day! woke up at 6.30am, went to my mums office, took an hour and a half drive down to semenyih, did some off road driving, hiking, nature appreciation, met new friends and rode on a BMW superbike. sweet no? everything was done in practically 12 hours. came back home around 6.30pm. pretty fun.
i still do think about it. but what for. its just a waste of time. it would just make me feel worse and worse. shes already moved on, why cant i? hahaha yes i can move on. why would i even want to bother about them anymore? not that i rule her life or anything. haih, i was a bad boyfriend. i deserve to be dumped, or who dumped who? i cant remember. oh well. hopefully there is a girl out there waiting to be loved. just like how he took her breath away. hehehe. life is rather complicating. yet we are all still here living on this earth. thats a good sign. i do agree.
this is a start of something new. dont u agree? I haven't felt like this in so many moons, you know what I mean?
yeah. life goes on.
sekeping serendah check this place out. i met the guy that built and owns that place. his name is seksan if im not mistaken. wicked huh? hehehe see, im meeting new friends. OLDER friends :)
( pictures )
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[03 Apr 2006|07:08pm] |
dont be fooled by what people say and what people do. they dont always tell the truth.
assumtions can be the mother of all fuck ups but it can also be the truth.
i thought that i complete got over her today. i seriously did. no more feelings, no more nothing. but when i saw her today with him. wow, did i change. i almost took the bat out of the car. but i didnt. she would probably stand infront of him and protect him.
she said that we might have a future together in the future. she said that. but that does not seem to be likely in my eyes. she is just different now. well, u can say shes moved on and im still stuck here. ive tried moving on. i did. its just her that makes me confused. she just tells me false hope, making me feel like that there is something there. but she did tell me there was nothing to hold on too anymore. maybe that was a hint i was suppose to take into consideration. well, i've seen too many times. shes move on, good for her. but this guy aint turning back anymore. im not going to pick up trash i threw away. she says they r just friends. why lie? why do u need to lie to me? its just weird.
rick.
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[02 Apr 2006|11:19pm] |
i feel good, i feel great, i feel WONDERFUL!! :)
tangkak was a good get away. seriously. getting to see my grandma. stuff like that. went to see my grandads grave. its just a wonderful feeling.
got to hang with my cousin from singapore. shes cool. shes good. shes nice. she likes boys kissing!! hahahhaa.
ok, back to my normal life again. derrick's back. yes im. :)
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[01 Apr 2006|11:29am] |
last night was bad. really bad. it was good but it turned out bad.
taiping was fantastic! i love it there. the food is cheap, the place is beautiful, especially the park! its so beautiful and so old school! pictures will be up soon.
so we came back last night. i walked to the lrt, took a ktm and reached sarah's apartment. practically everyone was already there. so yeah. i wished sarah happy birthday and just stayed for awhile. somehow something got me. it really hurt. inside. i dont know why. so i just told sarah that i had to go because the ktm will be closing soon. so she just said bye. liz was insisting that she send me home but i didnt want to trouble her. i didnt want to trouble anyone anymore. its just wrong to trouble people like that. seriously. so even though she insisted all the way to the ktm, i still said no. i dont want to make people feel worried and care about me anymore. its wrong.
so i went back to kelana jaya. sat at the bridge for almost an hour or so thinking and thinking and thinking. mostly looking at cars go by, how fast they were going and stuff like that. i really couldnt take it. living life so fast was just insane. so i walked around. walked all over kelana jaya. i almost walked to puchong! but it was too far. while walking i saw an accident. just a minor one. when it happened it was just that two cars. then a few seconds later, it was jam packed. hahaha it was good.
last night was terrible for me. i just wanted to jump from the bridge i was on. do monkey bars along the bridge. stupid shit like that. it took me a few hours to realize it was late and i had to go back. no one really cares anyways. i dont want anyone to care and worry. i can manage myself and i will manage myself. i dont like switching my handphone on anymore. its just a useless device to remind me of old stuff. but i cant throw it. its still useful yet useless. get? yeea.
so, im still writing the story up. i think i wrote around a thousand or two words already. still in chapter one. slowly advancing. hehehe so yeah. slow progress. i feel dead and empty. i was meant to be loved.
rick
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| Stories We Could Tell |
[30 Mar 2006|03:50am] |
   honestly, i like all of it. but if i had to pick. the first one, definately the first one. :) |
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[29 Mar 2006|09:10pm] |
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switchfoot - dont be there |
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yet another day im feeling down. i dont know why. pfft. shes having the time of her life and im just here being shitty. shes enjoying her life to the fullest now and im just here being shitty. why? why derrick why?
i just dont know who im anymore. she surely do know who she is, and probably sticking with it. i just hate it how i can be used so easily. all my previous girlfriends used me as well. for what? for everything i ever had and owned. i feel so useless that i cant even manage myself and take care of myself that girls can easily just "swoooosh" take me away. i have no idea why im so weak towards girls. pfft. cant there be just one person out there that would not take me for granted and just love me for me? u know, not just wanting everything to go "your" way. everything involves "us" not "you", not "me", but "US".
i think im getting a high fever. my head is like so freaking hot man. i hope i will be fine by tomorrow. yeah. i hope. if not , i cant even pick or drive myself to KLIA ... im so dead. better find some kind of medicine before it gets worse. i remember last time when she was sick, i took good care of her. i would just sit there and put the cloth on her head. making her feel better and comforting her. i wish she did the same to me. i feel so depressed and sick. a bad combination. seriously. ur head is like its going to burst into little bits. but what can i do? nothing can make me not feel this way.
derrick derrick, what have u gotten urself into.
i miss the kisses i have at night before i go to bed. i really do.
rick.
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| my hands are meant to hold. |
[28 Mar 2006|06:01pm] |
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switchfoot - on fire |
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she looked so beautiful today. she never looked this good before. after i left, she looked good. she felt confident.
exams today was not bad. i think i did ok. not good but just the normal ok. got out around 45 mins. yeah. not sure what to write anymore so didnt stay the whole hour.
i went over to piks to get lunch. its was good. after that we went to look for guitars. i wanted to learn how to play the guitar as i was so eager to learn last time and had no time at all. the guitar cost rm750. i dont know how im going to get that money but ill try. i think i should go get a job somewhere. yeah. ill search for a part time job that i would like and has good pay. yupyup. need to do something usefull in my life for once right?
somehow i felt different today. i felt ... i felt ... im not sure what i felt. it was a really weird feeling i had. i really wish i was in love. i really wish i was. holding on to someone that meant alot to me. kissing her would make her feel so much joy. stuff like that. i really want to love again. i really do. but i dont know how to can trust my emotions. it just goes haywire everytime anything bad happens. so yeah. ill deal with that.
i would love to get a guitar. i really would love to get one. my emotions are going haywire now. i really dont know what to do now. im a big fat mess. i cant clean up what is happening. i just dont know how. God, please help me. i pray every night and try my best to make it good. i try my best to make myself good. i cant, i just cant. this is really hard for me God. it really is. i need someone to sit next to me and comfort me. i need someone to just take care of me. i know that is selfish but i would do the same to that person. i swear i would. God, hear my prayer. please.
holidays suck. i think i prefer going to classes and work. i dont like to waste my time at home. i really dread these days. i hope i would get through it easily.
i wish i was in love. how could i not be in love? i need love. i really do. i think im going to cry. cry baby.
rick.
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| u dont need to find love, love will find u. |
[27 Mar 2006|11:01pm] |
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all american rejects - move along |
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my wine exams were not bad. it was hard but yet i managed to fill in all the blanks. i hope i did well. i studied my ass off for wine as i failed in the assessment. i know, i should study harder but oh well.
i went dinner with pikky, liz, sy, jac, lai, hue, and ummm ... i forgot her name. hehehe oops. lindsay i think. yeah, had a nice dinner with the gang. told pikky that i wanted to learn how to play the guitar. she willingly accepted to be my teacher!! hahaha im thinking of buying a good cheap guitar. so yeah. i hope it will fill in my free time and hopefully ill use it to its full potential. hehehe.
she pulled away. i think i knew why but she just did. i guess its her choice now. it really is. a man needs a goal in his life. i have one goal, to finish up my course with flying colours. i want to do a good job and make my parents proud. after the two years, i might work for a year before going off to somewhere else. im not quite sure yet. but in europe, there is a high demand for chefs. it is easier to get a working pass or a PR if you are a chef in europe. so i was thinking of making a living there. i really want to succeed in my life. i dont want to be the normal derrick i was before. the normal derrick is in the past. this is the new me. im a new me. get ready world, here comes derrick!! hehehe cheesy but oh well.
parents are coming over on thursday. cant wait for them to come and spend some time with both of them. after that i guess its back to school again with me. 1 term down and 7 more to go! eeek!
life is getting better for me now. i guess its just the fact that im finally moving on. im finally forgetting what the past have done to me. it has made me a better person somehow but hell, i dont want to remember it any more. i want to move on and just live my life as it is. whatever that comes, will come. whatever that wont come, ill chase after it. im a changed man. im actually a man. :)
rick.
edit/
i have this weird rash on my right hand. its awfully weird!! i never had a rash in my whole life. maybe i did but i dont know why i have it now!! oh ... my eating habit is back to normal!! YAHEY!! i can finally eat like a pig i was before!! HEHEHEHEHEH ima big fat piggy!! cant wait to learn how to play the guitar and finally remember chords!! :P
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[27 Mar 2006|02:35am] |
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avril lavigne - fall to pieces |
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i just finished studying. i hope everything i studied in the past few days have gone into my head and not just in and out of my head.
sarah cooked dinner for us earlier. she cooked bee hoon and fried pork ribs. damn it tasted so damn good! she surely knows how to cook. somehow these few days i like everything home cooked and somehow its all tasty!! hehehe maybe its because i havent been eating that much. oh well.
i wish myself all the best for tomorrow. exams exams. make ur parents proud derrick!! :)
this is how i motivate myself!! hahaha. stupid but somehow effective!! :P
so ... take care to everyone.
rick.
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| the past cannot be change,the future is still in your power |
[26 Mar 2006|07:50pm] |
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crappy |
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all american rejects - stab my back |
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i feel that somehow she acts differently. whenever there are other people around, she is different, whenever its just me and her, she is different. i just dont know whats up and i dont really want to find out why she is acting that way.
i studied till 6am last night. it was really the most intense reading i ever had. although i was reading, i still thought alot about her. but i would probably get over it soon. once i get over it, im free from my own little world i was living in all this while.
i would like to thank that someone for letting me stay. i really appreciate it. shes like the best cook in the whole world i tell u! i ate some left overs that she kept away. her house is always beautiful. i just love it. the cozy feeling. even though her son left for further studies, she still keeps her sons room real nice and neat. thats where i slept. i thanked her before leaving. she told me i could come anytime. she told me that if i want dinner, i should give her a call. shes such a nice person. i love my auntie. :)
so yeah. didnt do much today. just went to the pet store, supermarket and then headed home. oh, jac cooked lunch for me. which was the nicest thing she ever did since ... it happened. and somehow it taste better than her previous cooking. heheh she must be practicing hard!! :P
oh well, back to studies. i had a long nap just now. i was just really tired from yesterday. study time!
rick.
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| when i close my eyes, i feel u next to me. |
[26 Mar 2006|12:25am] |
i have finally thought about it long and hard. i running away. i mean, i ran away. staying in the apartment would just bring me more memories. i just cant take that anymore. i have to go somewhere else. im staying over at someones place. no names mentioned.
i should go study hard for my exams this monday and tuesday. those are the two subjects i failed during assessments. so i really have to study hard for it as i want to make my parents proud of their only son. i wish i had an older brother here with me so we can share each others feelings to each other. an older brother would be nice.
i would probably come home around noon time or later. i have to be hard working now and only focus on one thing, my studies. not anything else as it can pull down my final marks.
im so sorry to anyone who is trying to contact me. im not contacting anyone. i just want to be alone and deal this myself. the person im staying with is ok that i just stay one night in an empty room.
i really wish i didnt feel this way while im having my exams. it would be better if i just felt this way after my exams. i just dont know why i had to do such a silly thing and make myself feel this way. oh well. im holding on to something that wont be there. something that wont wait. something that will never come true. how i wish i could just hold on to what i believe. derrick is such a dumb dumb.
ok ok ... i guess thats it for today. i would have to go study now as i dont have much time to fit it all in my head. bye to everyone and anyone. take care of yourself. ;) i will do the same ;)
rick.
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