This is really starting to get to me:
At the beginning of the summer I set out to lose 20 lbs... now I'll be lucky if I manage to lose 5.
This bingeing has got to stop, and yet I have only myself to rely on to end the madness - I can't confide in my parents, as they'll tell me that it's simply a matter of willpower, I can't tell any doctors because they'll focus on the purging when in reality the bingeing is far more important (I wouldn't purge if I didn't binge), and I can't tell any friends out of shame - and it really is a shameful thing, especially with my history of being scolded for eating a candy bar or having a second helping at dinner.
I did this once b4 - conquered my bingeing and mastered my eating habits - and for that I lost 60 lbs... but it seems like regaining that focus the second time around, after gaining 30 lbs, is so much harder. Now that I've gained weight my social anxiety has also returned... I hide myself in my room (I'm living on campus currently) and literally don't come out unless I have to.
It's my worst nightmare: I'm fat again. I see how I looked in pictures taken last summer and I want to cry, especially since I was 110 lbs then and I didn't even look that thin... It's just very disheartening that I'll have to lose 45 lbs (I'm going to assume I'm probably up to 145 lbs again) in order to be thin... If I work my ass off and stop being a pathetic, weak, disgusting slob I can expect to have my junior and senior years of college to be thin and beautiful (I'll be a sophomore this fall)... I'm really hoping I can get down to 110 lbs by my birthday (february 4th)... that's 6 months to lose 35ish lbs... I think I can do that... then hopefully I can look good again during spring.
But one thing's for sure: I have only myself and the support from this community to help me get back on track and get thin again.
I'm so angry at myself for wasting this summer and a wonderful opportunity to lose a good portion of the weight I gained... If I had stuck with it and met my goal for the end of the summer, I would've been 120 lbs by the time school starts... Now I'm desperately hoping I can get to 135 lbs.
I need to stop fucking around and realize that my life will never be good until I'm thin. I'm so ashamed of myself - I've been hiding since November... I've avoided all family and social functions back home as much as I can - I haven't seen any of my extended family since my graduation party last summer (when I weighed 115 lbs). I'm so angry at myself - I need to change dramatically... Everything about me... or, rather, every "fat" trait (physical or personality) that could lead my back to my old ways... I don't care what it takes, because I'll willingly give it.
I'm sure most of you reading this will sympathize with me... it's the outside world that doesn't understand why we feel being thin is so important... Everywhere I go, ever since I was a young child, I have been trained to believe that thin is good and fat is bad, and beauty is God's grace... They made fun of my weight, called me "fat", "whale", "overweight", "chubby", ignored me because I wasn't one of the thin girls, made me ashamed to enjoy food... and then they have the nerve to wonder why I value thinness so much, why I make myself throw up, starve myself, take laxatives and diet pills... I am a product of society, and I will NOT be criticized for choosing thinness over all else, not after how they treated me. I WILL be thin, and I WILL unleash hell on those who made me what I am today. I will never change my ideals - it's too late: for me, it is a fact that thin is ideal, and fat is disgusting and a hateful thing. I will NEVER let anyone stop me from reaching my goal weight, and if they tell me I look too thin, I'll laugh at their jealousy and become even more determined. I want my parents to watch me shrink and wonder if perhaps they shouldn't have put me on a diet when I was 8, or criticize me at the dinner table in front of my thin sisters for taking a second helping. I want them to see my ribs and know they can't do a damn thing about it.
I'm taking control of myself, and I'm sure as hell not giving the reigns over to anyone else.
Nobody likes a fat girl - they are disgusting pigs who's very presence makes everyone around them sick. The way the waddle, the way their rolls of lard spill over their size 16 jeans, the way they devour every morsel of food in sight and treat it as though it were a holy experience, love from a man, pure happiness, or sex - all the things they will never have because of their disgusting features and lack of control and discipline. I hate them all, and I hate myself most of all for being one of them. I look at them and know I'm no different... I look at my thighs, which used to barely touch, that now touch halfway down.... My big, thick, disgusting flabby stomach, my gross sausage arms that widen when at rest at my side, my chunky arms that used to be so thin and beautiful, my soft and utterly shameful second chin, my thick calves and huge flabby ass, and, again, my huge fucking thunder thighs which, along with my stomach, are the worst of all... I hate it all, and I hate myself for allowing myself to gain so much weight back... Which is why I must change myself - not only my eating habits and my weight, but parts of my personality... I can no longer slip into these delusions that food is comforting, happiness, and a way of bonding with others... I must face the cold hard truth that food, for the most part (the exception being fruits, veggies and lean meats), is the source of my problems. I must change who I am, for I am not happy being the person I am now - fat, delusional, lazy, hopeful, and all-too forgiving of my past transgressions.
I WILL be thin, and I WILL eradicate the parts of my behavior and personality that stand in my way.
And anyone who tries to stop me will become my sworn enemy.
FAT IS SIN AND THIN IS SAINTLY