Malwina · Ham

i think i need to start keeping a tally of how many times i cry in a day. i could probably break some kind of world record.

oh just kidding i want to die again.
actually, i want to not want to die.
but i don't want to do anything about it.
i just want it to happen.
the end.

i love the days when i feel nothing because i cried it all out the night before and took an adequate amount of sedatives to calm myself down.

today is one of those days. not happy, not sad or upset, not bored, not eager to do anything.

just nothing.

i <3 sf :] !

i had a dream last night that i was living in SF and lots of crazy shit was happening, and someone may have been out to kill me. i was trying to find my place but couldn't. trying to find a place to call home but it didn't exist. i'm afraid (terrified) of this happening irl.

i [finally] sent out my resume/cover letter to this place i want to work at, because its a good job and also because i think it's my best option right now. i know i'm qualified for it and i know if i really want it i will get it. the only thing that's stopping me from being more excited about it is that it's kinda way outside the city. actually im not even sure where it is. but long commute either way.

i'm so nervous about hearing back from them. i'm not ready to grow up.

i was supposed to be "updating my resume" this entire weekend. i couldn't do it. every time i would start even thinking about it, i would get too nervous and distract myself with something else. i have to write a 7 page paper this week and it's not going to be a fun process. i might have a stroke in the process.

also, i'm having a blast writing a paper on good parenting, especially the part that is based on an "interview" i did with my parents. aka my sister and i made up the answers because we'd rather not talk to them/admit that they exist. none of it is even close to how they raised us, because that wouldn't be an example of good parenting. boohoo.

i think i jinxed my ribs this weekend by mentioning them because now i can't even slightly cough without being sore. i think i'll cry if i have to sneeze. i did once, right after i accidentally popped it out of place after bending over too fast or something. fuck my stomach hurts. i'm dizzy. if i can make it through this week i think i can do anything.

i'm supposed to write a 7 page paper on what good parenting is. lol.

i love my sociology of american society professor. he lectures for about half an hour, runs out of things to say, stands there in silence for a minute or two while the class is confused as to what's going on, and then just says "alright let's just watch a video" and goes on youtube to find something that's "related" to course material. hahaha. he was probably such a burnout when he was younger. or maybe still is. i went up to him once after class to ask a question and he looked like he REALLY didn't give a shit. it didn't even offend me, it was just funny. i think i'd like a job where i could just do everything half-assed and still get paid a lot of money. but i don't know how that doesn't get boring after a while. *shrug*

i need one complete day (the full 24 hours) of feeling like a sane, normal person. it is almost 5am and i cannot slow my brain down to save my life. sleeeeeeep. don't know how that's possible when i keep twitching every time i have an "uncomfortable" thought. fuck. i am just so uncomfortable and frustrated. FOR NO REASON and for a lot of reasons. i need to have some kind of on/off switch installed somewhere inside me. this needs to be invented sometime during my lifetime. i am so sorry to everyone who puts up with my bullshit. mostly just my sister, because she has to live with me. sometimes i almost feel guilty for exposing her to my insanity. it is not healthy for anyone. i guess it could be worse though. i haven't completely lost it yet. but i honestly don't remember when/how i became this person...this emotional wreck. i almost miss being depressed for weeks at a time because at least that was something constant and predictable. i've somehow become the most emotionally unpredictable person i know. i'm sorry.

i've had it with my born-again-christian neighbor's godliness and gay-bashing, when i've made it clear many times that it offends me and is disrespectful. i'm ashamed to even associate myself with this woman. and she acts like i should be grateful to her because she offers me a piece of bread once in a while and takes me grocery shopping with her. fuck that. i have a bus pass, and i can carry my own bags. i cannot be someone's "friend" when they purposely say/do things to upset me. i don't work that way.

i feel really ugly. on the inside and out. almost repulsive, and quite pathetic. i know there are people who think otherwise, but they don't see what i see and feel what i feel. good for them.

i really need something constant in my life. there is nothing i can depend on. makes it kinda difficult to trust anyone.

why is it that every time i step foot on campus i want to run straight back home, yet i know that once i leave this place, i will miss it. someone suggested looking for jobs at UC berkeley because it will make the college-to-life transition a little easier. still being on a college campus and all. it sounds like a good idea right now. way less terrifying than looking for a job in "the city."

once april is over and may starts, that's when the real freak-outs will begin. all i am right now is a little nervous.

i don't care. period.

i dont know how the fuck i'm supposed to see my therapist today when i can't even follow through on one thought. my mind is like a jigsaw puzzle right now. one of those really hard ones with like 1000 pieces. and they're all kinda similar so it's pretty much impossible to put it together. yeah. that's me right now. a jigsaw puzzle NOT falling into place. lawl.