And that's how the world began. [entries|friends|calendar] Catatonic Sex Toy Love-Joy Diver [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

If you had a bad time at one of my parties... [05 Aug 2005|06:35am] They call them crushes for a reason. Oh, darling, all of these jump-start stalling conversations mean much more to me than anything. He is the most beautiful creature on this earth. Oh, darling. Big brown eyes, thin limbed, tall, smiling and I'm dying, I swear to God. He's attached to someone else, he's moving away. And don't you just know it. I want him, but he doesn't know. And even if he did, I couldn't have him anyway. I look at him and it hurts. I'm half in love and I don't even want to write about it anymore. I don't even know this boy. But I love his face so much that I might just fuck his best friend.

Dormiria por dias. [24 May 2005|12:43am] She brushed the dog's hair and it went everywhere around her. All over the ground around her feet. It was disgusting. I kept staring at the scattered remains of the daffodils I'd been picking at. I cleared the area surrounding me of grass and flowers. I cried and thought, Jeez, Mom, just hit me on all sides, please. The thing is, I know she means well somewhere in there. Something keeps telling me that she is trying to help me. I don't want to hate my mother. (i am a seventeen year old chain smoker. i have predictable and mediocre taste but sometimes i love those goddamn songs so much i laugh when i'm singing them. i probably want to be pretty more than i want anything else, and i guess it's always been like that. as long as i look good doing whatever i'm doing. i am shallow and selfish and i wish i could find someone who could understand me. besides agatha, who is also shallow and selfish and fucking beautiful. i want to go back to that day in the bed with her. everything was white and green and the wind was pulling through the open windows. drinking and smoking and listening to music. she said something about look at where we are now, kerry. look at what we've grown into. and she threw her arms around me and her head was so cold against mine. she sighed and we laughed and kept drinking. i want to go back to saturday, drunk with green eyes in the sunshine. swimming with snakes and walking down the road in my underwear. i don't like today. i don't want to think about any of this.) I want so badly to meet new people. I love everyone around me so much, and shit that sounds like a lie, like the beginning of a bad breakup, but it's true. I really love all of them. I fucking adore them, even that bitch. But I need something different, a new scene. A new environment altogether. My dream, my favorite fantasy, is to just disappear. To get on a bus to whatever state I choose. Somewhere sunny and warm, with beaches and parties and miles and miles of flat land. Hundreds of miles from almost everyone I know, with the exception of a blonde waiting for me at the bus station. And you can bet she would fucking be there. She's always there.

Tu corazon sentido bien. [03 May 2005|11:22am] I could do a better job of masking my contempt. Oh, the world is so unjust. Why can't I just do what I want and let everyone else suffer the consequences? Why can't I just be the brat I was born to be and make everyone else deal with it? (but then she's high and holding hands and digging this song and that flower is so pretty. and the world seems bigger, darker, longer than it ever has and i wonder if i'll ever get to the end of this. i will wake up and do the things i always do. i will always be late so don't expect me to be anywhere when you want me to be there. shit this hurts) Drugs fix everything. For a minute, anyway.

A otro pero con ese hueso. [02 May 2005|07:24pm] I feel like staring into the sun until I go blind. Gentlemen, choose your vices! (tired and indiscreetly unsatisfied, she is stumbling from one dream to another and she aches from the lack of joy in everything she sees. my dream this morning was so terrifying that i tried so hard to wake myself up but only ended up sleeping late. i didn't escape until the clock read noon exactly. i guess my nightmares hide when there is no sign of the dark. but fuck i know as soon as i fall asleep again they'll be back and that drives me insane) My body is sore and I wish that everyone would leave it alone. My fingernails are yellow and I haven't had a good high in days. This is starting to wear on me. This life is starting to wear on me. I need to get stoned.

Sin verguenza. [30 Apr 2005|04:26pm] There's something that's invisible. And I feel better, but I only know that because I'm watching myself from a distance. I don't feel attached to my body, but I'm watching and I see that maybe I'm smiling more or my hands are moving differently. I miss everyone all of the time, even when I'm with them. It feels like they're right in front of me, but we're not connected at all. I can't feel anyone or hear their voices clearly. Everything is sifting through this fog, and I'm dreaming about what's happening. None of it is real. (she is watching her life being played out on this gigantic movie screen, it's huge, she has to stretch to see her own face. god, i wish this would stop. but anyway it doesn't matter, none of it matters, nothing matters anymore. so i just sit back and watch. fuck if i care what happens to this kid)

Si fuera la lluvia, ahogaria el mundo. [28 Apr 2005|04:46pm] My sleep is so fucked up. I wake up from these dreams and I feel like I haven't rested at all. (i don't know how to express how beautiful she is. the last time she was here, i was left with that sinking feeling of jealousy. jealous of the hand she's holding, jealous of those whispers in her ear. darling girl, how many people have watched you from your backseat and wished to be your cigarette? how many boys have looked at you and cried because you are so beautiful? i miss you all the time. i dreamt about your cigarettes last night. i know now that no one could ever have you, but if you let me pretend that i did, just for a minute, if i had that opportunity, i wouldn't know what to do with myself. i don't know how to love you to your face. but you are the only person who keeps coming back. and one day you will come back, and we will both be free of attachments. and maybe then i'll know just what to do and say to let you know that i'm in love with you, i have been for years, and i will be for the rest of my life) I feel out of sync with the world. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I don't see the Joy that I used to see. I wonder if maybe this is it, maybe this is how it will be for the rest of my life. Maybe this is the end of the rope. I'm out of ideas and I've dropped the line I was holding. I'm done, finished. Now all I can do is live. I am waiting for the end of the world.

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