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[21 Aug 2008|08:54am] |
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FUCKKKKK. so i thought i was going to have an easy day today since my mom and dad were both at work. well i guess not. my mom comes home early and hands me a box. i look in it and it's a cheesesteak with cheesefries. i know the outcome of this. im going to end up eating it...now matter how much thinspo im looking at no matter how fat i tell myself i am. im going to cave. this was my favorite pre ana comfort food ever. and now its just sitting there. waiting for me to shove it in my mouth so all the grease and calories could blow me up. agggg why did she do this to me. HELP!!!!!
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| school |
[21 Aug 2008|11:44am] |
i am so excited for school to start. i am going to love having my routine back and have school distract me from food. lovely.
what is your school routine? what do you eat throughout the day?
i choose to not eat during the day and if i do it's just a couple slices of cucumber and then chicken broth for dinner.
i just dont know what i am going to do now, as i am a vegetarian.. so i can't have chicken broth. hmm lol
any suggestions of 5 cal soup in canada?
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[21 Aug 2008|04:25pm] |
So, some of you may remember, but I posted a couple of nights ago about making a place where all my thinspo and exercise stuff will be, what i mean is hanging on my bedroom wall!
If you would like to take a noisey then look under the cut!!
( Knock, Knock- Enter!! )
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[21 Aug 2008|04:25pm] |
today has not been too bad
except i chewed and spat 10 chips :(
iv heard that's really bad for you.
anyone know anything about it?
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[21 Aug 2008|11:23am] |
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blah, i went to sleep at 90.5 and i could have swore i would be 89.5 this morning. of course when i weighed myself i had only dropped half a pound maybe tomorrow
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| agg |
[21 Aug 2008|08:14am] |
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omg. so i was thinking about how im going to do goos today and keep my mind off food and i felt extremely motivated. then i went to sign into myspace, and the whole fucking backround before you log in is bacon and wendy's ads!
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| BOOKS |
[21 Aug 2008|11:01pm] |
What are your favourite eating disorder related books?
Thanks!
Bella Xx
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| Question |
[22 Aug 2008|12:50am] |
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How much you guys reckon one will absorb if you chew and spit stuff like sushi, crackers, dry biscuits, sponge cake, bread, turkey/ham and grilled meat? 100 cals maximum? Is it gonna be sufficient to gain weight if other than that not consume (swallow) anything else? U think its possible to lose more weight like this?
Also, I do take laxatives (Dulcolax) and it takes about 6 hours for it to kick in. I normally take 8 tabs a day cos lately i've been feeling panicky about the chewing and spitting. How long does it take for the laxatives to work for you girls? Its addicting plus i like the empty, stomach feeling afterwards. Same goes for exercising...I jog/brisk walk on the treadmill daily for an hour to boost up my metabolism, burn cals. get the nice empty stomach feeling after a good sweat and not to mention get the endorphin rush.
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| why oh why? |
[21 Aug 2008|05:50pm] |
So I just spent the last four hours watching documentaries n such on youtube, all about anorexia. I guess I do this when I'm bored and upset that I binged so bad last night..so I guess it gives me some thinspiration..but then some two hours into it I start thinking 'are they right? am I slowly killing myself by not eating enough? am i going to get osteoperosis? will i be infertile one day because of this?' fuck! then to get over it I tell myself its all brainwash and that those things will never happen to me. but what if they do? what if i'm fucking up my body (yet I dont feel it) and find out I can't have babies in 10 yrs?
ahhhhhh! i'm so pissed, i should have never watched that shit..i'm one of those that does NOT want to recover damnit..
do any of you think about questions like these? any comments are truly appreciated..god i wish i had an ana buddy here..
hope u all are doing much better :)
xoxoxo
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| Happy day today... |
[21 Aug 2008|03:42pm] |
Day 4 of my liquid fast... doing good
Down 3lbs. Feel empty & weak but i don't care. I am fully motivated and WILL complete it for another ten days.
How much do you think i could lose in total??
I'm anxious to find out!
My diet now exists of...
Green tea, diet coke, sugerfree redbull & cigerettes
Feeling lightheaded & happy today.
oh and i am taking my mind off food by doing this...
Tell me what you think!?
Love u girls & wish you the best of luck with your goals : )
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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[21 Aug 2008|10:19am] |
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so far today has been jus a really crappy day.
and pretty much im so close to cutting its not even funny
its been like sience march, and i've thought i've been free of it
but now
i just want to =[
i bought a swim suit last weekend
and today i took picutres.
be honest.
what do you think
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[21 Aug 2008|10:23am] |
i'm a failure.
it seems that the harder i try to workout more, and the less i eat, the longer i plateau and/or gain a couple lbs. I DON'T GET IT!
does anyone else feel this way? like when you try to recover you lose, and when you try to lose you stay the same or gain?
<3
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[21 Aug 2008|10:20pm] |
i hate binging. its like i become a different person when i binge, i'm blind.
i eat foods i have allergies to and hate!! just because i can
its crazy :S
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| 113.6 |
[21 Aug 2008|09:48am] |
still losing however i did have a bowl of cereal (200 MAX cals) im not letting myself go over 500 2day and i would like to not go over 400. hell if that bowl of cereal is all i eat 2day i'll be so happy. im just not shure how well my body will take it ive been eating normal 4 3 weeks over nearing 4 weeks so going to a straight basic fast (only 5 crackers ) plus exercising wore my body out i woke up major early 4 me 9 am my heart was pounding and i was weak so i weighed myself took a shower ate breakfast did the dishes and i am now sorta watchin my nephew i say sorta because my mom is also watching him just depends what room he comes into lol. im going to try and not eat anything else today.
so how are all of u this morning? also just out of curiosity what are ur stats ppl?
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[21 Aug 2008|08:40am] |
I think I need a life break,
I want to stress that I DO NOT want to hurt or kill myself. I love my family and friends too much to go and do that, but I am just having a hard time dealing with everything.....
have you ever wanted to just disappear for a while? I day dream about packing up my shit and drivingaway from this madness...not forever, but for a little while, maybe a month or two...and just send letters to my husband and parents telling them that I am fine and will be back soon...
Only real hiccup is the fact that I am in the military (not to mention I think my parents and husband would kill me when I got home) and the military doesnt really like it when you disappear. Kinda would be in a world of trouble.
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| ! |
[21 Aug 2008|09:01am] |
I'm a fat, disgusting waste of space!
The boyfriend..FINALLY f*cked me last night..of course it was after he had a couple beers (we went to bar for a bit when he go out of work), and it lasted all of what..1 f*cking minute.
I know u couldn't wait to get out of my nasty self. I don't blame him!!
Money is tight..but thank goodness he gets paid tomorrow. I gotta put $120 down on the dang cable bill or else bye bye tv..:(
i'm such a fat loser..why can't i just be beautiful and thin..life would be sooo different if i was!! :(
I hope u all are having a better week than i am...
It is sooo pretty out today in NY!! but i can't even bring myself to get out and enjoy it.
i don't deserve to..i need to prove to myself i have the self control..that i don't HAVE to eat...
eat to live not live to eat!!
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| hmmm |
[21 Aug 2008|02:01pm] |
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why does the only place that call back (jobs that iv applied too) have to be a fast food restaurant lol ?
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| WTF????? |
[21 Aug 2008|08:59am] |
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mood |
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I did so good yesterday, and I gained a fucking pound
I HATE my scale
so I'm starting a fast for as long as I can before my someone makes me eat something
has anyone else been "stuck" lately??
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| yesterday was interesting! |
[21 Aug 2008|01:56pm] |
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i went swimming and i use dove age care shampoo and i got so many weird looks for it :(
then this one girls so perfect and skinny smiled right at me it was kinda like we conected and she understood exactly why i had it :]
thats the first time im sure iv made a real connection with someone else suffering the same thing
and i actually felt okay about being in a swimming costume!
my boyfriend said i looked good in it and i got checked out by people XD
(probably because of my boobies though ) lol :(
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