World's Greatest Sinner|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Jack O'Lantern's LiveJournal:
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|Friday, February 15th, 2008|
I've changed tactics - I'm now sending nice letters in the hoppe of obtaining free stuff. Here's a letter I sent to 4 different tobacco companies outlining my entire smoking career:
I would like to take a brief moment of your time to express my gratitude to you for producing what are, in my mind, the finest cigarettes on today’s market. Allow me, if you will, to explain how I reached this conclusion.
My interest in smoking began at the tender age of 13 when I found upon the floor of my local newsagents a half empty packet of Benson & Hedges Gold that had obviously fallen from one of my fellow shopper’s pocket or bag. Curious, as most boys of that age are, I picked up the packet and discretely pocketed the three remaining cigarettes. It wasn’t in fact until ten days later that I finally plucked up the courage to smoke one of the cigarettes in my mother’s garage and found it to be quite unpleasant!
Of course from that day on, eager to impress my peers and any potential love interests, I consequently smoked the remaining two of my ‘free’ cigarettes and found myself wanting more. At this time I was working in my local corner shop and soon realised that, unable to feed my craving legally on my meagre allowance of £3.00 per week, I was able to quite safely steal the odd carton of cigarettes without detection.
Now, it wasn’t easy to stick to the same brand as I had to take the opportunity to steal when it arose, and as a novice smoker was not yet affected by ‘brand loyalty’ as such. In the entire year that I worked at the aforementioned corner shop I estimate that I sampled around 12 to 15 different brands of cigarette, each with their own merits and demerits. I became quite the tobacco connoisseur (or so I believed at the time) and found myself developing quite specific tastes, but it was not yet that I settled with your particular brand.
Eager to expand my palate, I moved on to rolling tobacco, a phase that was to last throughout my entire year and a half of college, mainly due the economic benefits. Although I grew quite accustomed to the sensation and flavour of hand-rolled cigarettes I found that there were quite a few flaws in this method of smoking, and here are but a few of those reasons;
1) Rolling a cigarette in particularly windy conditions is at best a frustrating struggle, and at worst damned near impossible.
2) I found on many a painful occasion that the cigarette paper would, on cold days in particular, adhere to the surface of my lip resulting in an excruciating tear in the skin when the cigarette was removed from the mouth.
3) It is not uncommon for a stray strand of tobacco to fall loose from the main body of the cigarette and enter the mouth – this is both unpleasant to taste and can also quite easily stain the teeth. I also found that the ends of my fingers were beginning to turn a sickly shade of yellow, I presume where the tobacco, in the absence of a filter, can quite easily permeate through the thin membrane of the cigarette paper and onto the skin.
After the hand-rolling phase had passed, (I believe this was when I finally left college and became employed, thus providing me with the funds to purchase ‘luxury’ ready-made cigarettes), I had a brief flirtation with the menthol variety. At first I found the menthol brands to be quite enjoyable, and also something of a novelty – a cigarette that freshens the breath whilst smoking! I also found that the morning after a particularly heavy night of the town, feeling somewhat worse for wear, the menthol cigarette provides a much gentler option to ‘the hangover smoke’ (that is, the delicate first smoke of the morning).
Rest assured, the menthol phase passed soon enough, and it was purely by chance one day that I stumbled upon your brand in a Kwik Save in Poole. Being much older and wiser than the young, naïve boy who found that discarded cigarette packet all those years ago, my palate has grown, evolved and refined over the years, and I fell into the sweet relationship with your fine brand of cigarette heaven. The relationship has since bloomed and I believe that has been only one occasion in the past 8 years when I have strayed, and not I might add out of choice, and been unfaithful.
The occasion in question was when I was particularly desperate for a cigarette on an early morning before work, and the only available shop that was open on this early morning was a tiny, independent newsagent in Parkstone. I found once in the shop that it was not only the cigarette stand that was depleted, but in fact the entire shop! There were, and I do not exaggerate, approximately 3 newspapers on the shelves, a solitary bottle of Lucozade in the broken refrigerated drinks unit, and only three choices of tobacco. As two of these were in fact a cigar and a 500g packet of pipe tobacco, I was forced to purchase a ten-pack of ‘Mayfair Lights’. Oh, the shame I felt when smoking my way through this abhorrent packet of filth! The harsh, un-flavoursome smoke raped my throat with its vile, grey vapour, and I lost a part of my very soul that day. (I feel I should add, purely as a matter of interest and irrelevant to the point of my letter, that the old boy behind the counter in this newsagents was actually shaving whilst he served me! And not a dry shave with an electric razor, but a full-on, Bic razor wet shave, complete with the extremely unsavoury-looking coffee mug full of water and shaving foam remnant on the counter-top!).
But I digress. And so, this only leaves me to thank you and your company for providing what I believe to be the finest cigarettes in the world. They have seen me through the ups and downs throughout my life, they have been with me on all the wild nights out on the town, there when a girlfriend has left me, there when I have celebrated passing an exam, a driving test or a job interview. These cigarettes are more than just a habit; they are a part of me – an extended family member.
Yours, forever faithfully,
|Thursday, February 7th, 2008|
|Complaint Letter #2
This is becoming addicitive - here's an email I sent at work today (yes, I was bored) to Tony Lopes, the grindingly unfunny author of 'Odd Streak' cartoons:
In a recent ‘Secret Santa’ at my place of work my colleague received one of your cartoon compilations entitled ‘Odd Streak’.
Now, I do enjoy a good joke, am partial to cartoons, and could even go so far as to say I enjoy the occasional dirty limerick. On a particularly dull day at work I decided I needed cheering up and perused said book hopefully. It took me roughly 16 seconds to realise that something was seriously wrong.
I rapidly became aware that I wasn’t laughing. In fact, my reaction was quite the opposite. Far from the chortle I was expecting, I found my blood pressure rising and a small volume of bile began to rise in my throat.
I began to panic and fear the worst – that my sense of humour had been incapacitated! Fearing for my health, I passed the book to another colleague who, thankfully, confirmed that it was in fact the book itself that was the problem.
In order to be completely certain that it was not just us, the book was passed around the office to gather an un-biased opinion, and Tony, may I just say, if I were to be kind I would say that the results were a “mixed bag”. I’m afraid the book did not go down well at all, Tony. A particularly elderly lady in the office covered her mouth with a tissue and had to politely excuse herself from the room, I presume in order to vomit, although I cannot be sure.
Anyway, I am sure you are a busy man Tony, so I will not keep you any longer and will summarise by offering a helpful suggestion:
On the reverse of your book is the following synopsis; “Lopes’ outrageous cast of thousands have graced the pages of some of the world’s leading newspapers and now for the first time, their antics can be enjoyed in this hilarious collection.”
I think it may be more factually correct to replace this with the following paragraph; “Lopes’ abhorrent collection of bile-educing tripe will, at best, amuse children under the age of 7 or mentally retarded individuals, and, at worse, be so dreadfully unfunny it will tear a hole in the very fabric of time.”
Thank you for your time.
Mike Wathen Current Mood: accomplished
|Letter of Complaint #1
It's funny what you do when you're bored. Last night, I decided to write a letter of complaint to The Daily Echo:
I was incandescent with rage when I opened my copy of the Echo on Wednesday 6th February to see that the whole of page three of my newspaper (save for an advertisement on a website dealing in women's boots which, incidentally, I found most helpful) was dedicated to the charming young man who had decided to ingest his house key after a night of alcohol consumption. In my state of disbelief I immediately phoned my wife to inform her of the article, who, when I related the tale, was as shocked as I.
As if the article itself wasn't degrading, and quite frankly depressing, enough, I found myself having to endure a picture of the greasy-haired oik re-enacting the incident with a smug, proud grin on his face! Perhaps when young Mr Foster has eaten his way through his seventh chicken and mushroom Pot Noodle in front of the 'Hollyoaks' omnibus in a grim effort to cure his no doubt harrowing hangover, he can stop to think of the people who he denied hospital treatment on his night of heroism. Only recently, in fact, I myself found that an appointment I has scheduled for a minor operation to cure my ingrowing toenail had been cancelled - and perhaps this now explains why! Perhaps the idiotic Mr Foster may have decided that his appetite for inanimate objects was not sated by his house key and had decided to consume his shoe after an all-night lager binge?
I'm afraid this article only enforces my belief that our hard-earned taxes are obviously keeping these idiots in a constant supply of Rizla, Doc Martin boots and super-strength cider. It's bad enough they let these apathy-ridden, binge-drinking pseudo-students eat in the same restaurants as the rest of society, but now they feel the need to fill our papers with their tales of Saturday night debauchery!
Yours in true disgust
Mike Wathen Current Mood: angry
|Wednesday, January 9th, 2008|
Well, 2008 now sees me as a very happily married man!
The wedding was absolutley perfect in every respect and the whole day went without a hitch. Mel looked absolutely stunning in her dress, nearly everyone that we hoped would come made it along and it really was everything we had hoped for. My Dad bought us a laptop & we have hundreds of photos on there, so as soon as we sort out our teething troubles with our internet I will either post some pics online or send out an email to everyone with the best ones. We have also developed the table cameras and had some fantastic/amusing/heart-warming/downrigh
t disgusting memories to cherish forever!
Matt excelled himself as the best man and desereves our eternal gratitude for his efforts.
Thanks to everyone's donations, we managed to raise just under £3000 towards our honeymoon fund which is absolutley amazing and should give us a honeymoon to remember! Looks like we will still be going around April/May time at the moment.
I have a thousand happy memories of the big day, but unfortunatly this is all the time I currently have so I will end by saying this - It's still extremely weird referring to Mel as 'my wife', but it gives me a little swell of pride each time I say it :) Current Mood: happy
|Monday, January 7th, 2008|
|2008 (nicked from Nina)
1. Will you be looking for a new job?
I am really trying to stick it out at Nationwide - as depressing as it is, the rewards are pretty good.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
3. New house?
Nope, very happy with our flat.
4. What will you do different in 2008?
I will travel more & make an effort to get out the flat more & try out a few new things.
5. New Years resolution?
Carry on with gym routine & eat less, try & smoke less. Worry about the little things less.
6. What will you not be doing in 2008?
Staying in as much
7. Any trips planned?
Honeymoon around April/May time & hopefully a trip to the Hawaii Luau (3 days of cocktails!!) in London in June.
8. Wedding plans?
Not any more!
9. What's on your calendar?
See question 7....
10. What can't you wait for?
The Honeymoon fortnight
11. What would you like to see happen different?
The disgusting general public developing some social skills.
12. What about yourself will you be changing?
Hopefully eating healthier
13. What happened in '07 that you didn't think would happen?
Landing myself in hospital with kidney failure
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07?
I have been wearing a lot more polo shirts and a lot less black. Maybe it's my chavvy side coming out!
16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I will continue - there's no way I would be able to give up booze when we live next door to the cocktail guru Ratt!
17. Will you have better relationship with your family?
It's already pretty good
18. Will you do charity work?
19. Will you go to bars?
21. Do you expect 2008 to be a good year for you?
22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
Probably the most a person can change....!
23. Do you plan on having a child?
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
I really hope so
25. Major lifestyle changes?
See question 23....
26. Will you be moving?
I don't plan to
27. What will you make sure doesn't happen in 2008 that happened in '07?
The kidney failure if I can help it!!
28. What were your New Years Eve plans?
In bed by 10.30pm with the PSP.
29. Did you have someone to kiss at midnight?
My someone was fast asleep!
30. Wish for 2008:
Health, happiness and plenty more Mai Tais & Mojitos!
|Monday, November 26th, 2007|
|The Ole Ball an' Chain
Well, scarily, it's just......27 DAYS UNTIL THE WEDDING!!!!!!!
I say scary, but in fact I'm so looking forward to it - I can't wait! I think it's going to be a really, really good day and it will be great to get everyone together just before Christmas. And what's not to look forward to? I'm marrying the most perfect woman in the world.
We've pretty much got everything sorted & organised, and it's been a lot of fun too - not nearly as stressful as everyone makes out. We've got our wedding rings engraved & back from Crazy Pig and they look amazing. We've got our huge gingerbread house in place of the wedding cake, I've just got to find some spooky little figures to put on it - I've seen a really cool mini bride & groom 'living dead doll' set that would be perfect....! Mel's dress is nearly finished, and my waistcoat I've had made is having the final design touches added to it. We've got the bands sorted, the music, the food, the flowers, the table decorations etc, so theres not really a lot left to do. My Ma has very kindly booked us into a farmhouse cottage in Taunton for the following night which will be really nice, as we're not going away on honeymoon until March/April time (Hawaii, here we come!!).
Really grateful to eveyone who's coming as well, we've had an amazing response and we really appreciate everyone who's travelling a long way to get there. The total number of people coming has now topped 150, so it promises to be a really good celebration! Current Mood: excited
|Wednesday, October 24th, 2007|
|Comedy Scenarios #423
The following is a true story.
Last night, as I was walking back to my car after work, I passed a block of flats that has one of those large, industrial wheelie-bins with the blue plastic lids, ample for containing the waste of a reasonable sized residency. The corner of the said lid had been damaged, resulting in a small hole, and as I passed the bin, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a slight movement within the bin.
Being a curious soul, I went over to the bin and opened the lid to investigate what had caused the movement, and to my suprise I saw a small squirrel sitting in the bin eating the remains of a sandwich. As the light from the outside world hit the squirrel, it immeadiately stopped eating and stared at me with fear in it's little eyes. Without warning, it dropped the sandwich and launched itself at me, it's claws getting caught in my shirt so that it remained firmly attached to mt chest. The scene that followed would not have looked out of place in a Chevy Chase movie.
The squirrel, frightened out of it's wits was having a fit, and so caught by surprise was I that I let out a scream in shock. Not a deep, manly scream, but a high-pitched, ear-piercing cream that would not have sounded unusual coming from a 6 year old girl. I flung my bag in the air and began to set about removing the offending critter from my person. Anyone looking out of their window at this time would have seen me performing this peculiar dance whilst shrieking like an idiot. Eventually, the squirrel became detached and ran into the nearest bush, no doubt remaining as mentally scarred from the whole episode as I am.
Why do these things happen to me? Current Mood: surprised
|Thursday, July 26th, 2007|
|'Ok Mr Wathen, this may feel a little uncomfortable as it passes over your prostate..."
Well, in an interesting turn of events, last month I landed myself in hospital with acute renal failure. What started off at the beginning of June with what seemed like some sort of stomach bug (the doctors considered Gastro-entiritis), a week of relentless vomiting, diarrhea and severe back pain, turned into one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life.
After 4 days of said vomiting and numerous visits to the doctors, they finally admitted me to hospital due to dehydration-induced deliria. I was poked, prodded, had several blood and urine samples taken, was subject to a not-entirely-unpleasant rectal examination, had many different doctors vist me and whisper worriedly to each other, and eventually they broke the news that my kidneys had pretty much given up the ghost.
Now this was worrying, but still in my state of general of de-hydrated madness I was happy to have a nice lie down for a bit and let them go about their business fixing me. That was, until, they announced that it was imperative that they inserted a catheter to monitor my urine output. Yup, that snapped me out of it alright....in fact, having several unpleasant genital-based experiences from the past suddenly coming flooding horribly back to me, I think at this point I began to cry.....
Now, I've never had a catheter before, but I'm not an idiot. I could pretty much imagine what would be involved and that it would not, on the whole, be a pleasant experience. In this assumption, I was not wrong. The first doctor came in holding in one hand the blue rubber tube that was soon to be housed in my penis. In the other hand, a syringe full of anaesthetic which, after a feeble protest from myself and announcing that "this may sting a little', he squirted down my quivering japs eye. "Ouchie", said I. Then came the insertion of the tube........
The doctor took hold of my old chap and began to push the tube through, but before he even got half way down I had had enough, reflex had begun to kick in and I began to spasmodically jerk my body into any position that stopped the godawful pain. "Mr Wathen, we will never get this done if you are so tense, you need to relax or it's going to be twice as painful". Ok. I calmed down and took a deep breath. "Proceed". He began pushing again, and immeadiately I slapped the tube out of his hand. "Ok Mr Wathen, I'm going to get the nurse to assist...". The nurse came in and held my hand. "Ok, lets start again.". After three or four attempts, they began to realise it was useless. "Ok, that's enough for now." Thank God. "We're going to try a slightly thinner tube..." Oh, for fucks sake. I was going to have to go through this again. This time, I had a female doctor, which was a little better, but the process was just as unbearable. "This may feel a little uncomfortable as it passes over your prostate", she told me. No shit.
But....at last it was done and I was left alone with Mel to soothe my frayed nerves. I peered under the blanket and looked in disgust at the bright blue tube that poked out of my old chap and housed the balloon in my bladder. Yeesh. I was sent for x-rays, they took more blood, I was questioned over whether I indulged in any 'unhealthy' recreational substances and I had to be honest, and finally I was admitted to my own room, as at this time I was considered contagious due to the vomiting and such.
The next few days were pretty unpleasant, I was completely unable to sleep for various reasons;
1. I was hooked up to a drip that started beeping every time I rolled over and blocked the fluid tube.
2. I was hooked up to a blood pressure monitor that automatically and noisily kicked into life and inflated every hour.
3. Hospital bed are SHIT. They are medieval. They are torture devices that manage to make every muscle in your body ache intenseley.
4. Every time I moved the slightest bit, I tugged on the catheter resulting in a sharp jolt of pain.
5. I was having around 7 blood tests every 6 hours. My arm, at this point, was so bruised and swollen with needle-holes that my tattoo of Joey Ramone had begun to look like he had some serious facial palsy.
On top of this, the constant feeling of nausea and back pain made it impossible to ingulge in any normal activity such as reading or watching TV. Mel was fantastic, she stayed with me through my first night and visited me every day, twice a day, bringing me drinks, magazines and other such things, and generally pulled me through the whole ordeal. My Dad was also great, he would visit me every day and make me laugh until my catheter hurt. My Mum, bless her, flew back from America to see me, along with my little brother who had bought me back a 'Ghost Rider' toy as a present from his holiday. The nurses were fantastic, especially one hawaiian nurse who I became friends with, and would squirt anaesthetic on my willy to ease the pain.
So that was it for the first few days. And then, when the day came that I was no longer considered contagious, they moved me onto the general ward, and that was when the fun really began....
On my first night on the ward, I was moved next to an elderly lady who felt it necessary to moan loudly EVERY hour and then crap her bed. Every hour it was the same procedure....she'd moan, she'd crap, the smell would wake me up, the nurses would come and change the bed sheets, and then it would begin all over again the next hour. It was not pleasant. The next day, they moved her out, and in her place came an extremely old fella who has fallen down the stairs. Great, I thought, this old cunt should sleep through the night, judging by the state of him..... I was wrong. I awoke, oh...about 1.30am I would guess, with him sitting on the end of my bed, pajama bottom around his ankles and flacid old cock pointing towards a disposable urinal. Now, I'm a normally a patient person, but four days of no sleep had begun to make me a little irritable. "What the fuck are you doing?" I enquired. "Hold on, sonny" he replied, "I'm nearly there. Just hold on....nnnnggh...". "Get the fuck off my bed!!" "....Nearly...there...", and at this point I called the nurse to dispose of my gentleman caller....
The next night, I was woken by an insane old lady wearing a medical tunic tucked into her filthy jeans that were puled up to her chest, and she was prodding me in the ear. When I enquired, somewhat irritably, I might add, as to the reason for said prodding, she asked me if she could please buy some cigarettes or alcohol from me. "Please leave me alone" I replied in not so many words. "Go on love, just a few rollies and a cider...". I suggested that she try one of the many alcohol hand sanitisers situated around the building, pressed the buzzer for the nurse and tried, for the umpteenth time to get some sleep. The lady was removed, but not before trying to open all of the fire escapes on the ward and asking someone called 'Henry' to stop whistling in her ear.
In the morning, thank god, I was moved to a quieter ward with the acute lung disorder patients. No noise here except for the low drone of the many iron lungs and nebulisers. Here I stayed for the next few days until the joyous day came when they removed me from my catheter and drip. The next couple of days were a lot more comfortable, and I managed to get some sleep and watch some crap hospital TV with Mel brightening the otherwise depressing days. And then, the day came when they were happy to let me go home. Oh, wonderful day!
I returned to work at the beginning of July, and am awaiting to see the renal specialists at Dorchester at the end of the month for an update.
Needless to say, the whole experience has made me look at life entirely differently. It has made me much more appreciative of the simple day to day activities. It has made me realise how much I love Mel, and now, how much my family love Mel as well. It has made me clean up my act, cut out the booze, the fags (thanks, acute lung ward) and the drugs. From this day, I am a new person.
Must go, now, I have a spliff on the go and my Heineken is getting warm. And that coke wont cut itself......
|Tuesday, May 8th, 2007|
|Long time, no see
Well, it certainly has been a while since my last entry, and seeing as I shall no doubt look back one day on my memoirs with fond memory, I thought I had better update as there have been quite a few developments of late.
Firstly, Mel and I are now the proud owners of our own flat. After a long, long wait and coutless problems along the way, we finally moved into our new flat at the beginning of March. We are both extremely proud of it, and have spent a lot of time and money on making it our own, and it really does feel like home.
Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, we have set a date for the wedding - we will be getting married on 22nd December this year in Dorchester. We have found a suitably gothic venue to host both the ceremony and the reception and have begun making plans for both. Invites will be in the post over the next few months to all those concerened!
Thirdly, I have left the Magistrates Court and am now working at the Portman Building Society head office in Bournemouth after being offered a better position and higher pay. So far so good; I have been enjoying the on-site gym immensley, as testified by my aching shoulders and pecs. Warm up? Nahhhh, that takes all the fun out of it! I have been missing the guys from the courts though, and I got a really touching speech from the head honcho thanking me for my year and a half of hard work, and received a bottle of Jim Bean, Jagermeister and a 'lovely' collage of characatures of the whole Enforcement team.
The Creepers have been writing a lot of new tunes recently, and look forward to unleashing some slabs of greasy rawk n' roll on the public very soon.
Took my little brother to see Spiderman 3 yesterday, and I really did enjoy it. It wasn't quite as good as 300, but it was very enjoyable. We also had fun partaking in our favourite pastime, the "Shouting abuse at people out the car window and spraying cyclists with the winscreen washers" game.
I finally put my Brewzer Micro-Brewery (as won on Celebrity Cowboys) to good use, and my first batch of malty goodness will be ready to drink next week. I look forward to enjoying it's eggy aroma and consequent gut rot.
And finally; I am finally having my big toenail ripped off after years of living with the painful, ingrowing son of a bitch. Current Mood: happy
|Monday, January 29th, 2007|
|Mikey's radio debut
For those who are interested, I have just taken part in Original 106fm's 'Celebrity Cowboys' radio quiz which will be on air tomorrow (Tuesday 30th Jan) between 8-8.10am!! I also managed to get a few plugs in for The Boneyard Creepers and have won a home-brewing kit to make my own beer for my troubles!
|Friday, January 26th, 2007|
|Upcoming Creepers Gigs
Just a few upcoming February gigs if any of you can make them:
Friday 2nd Feb: THE TOWNHOUSE, 31 ABBEY ROAD, TORQUAY - Pierced Up Promotions Presents The Demonic Upchucks, The Boneyard Creepers, The Spews, Mike Porter & Detox. 8 til late, £3.50 entry
Sunday 4th Feb: THE CONSORTIUM, BOURNEMOUTH - The Chaps (Luke Westy's band) plus The Boneyard Creepers. Have no idea what the entry fee or starting time is I'm afraid! 8 is usually a good time though....
Saturday 10th Feb: THE GANDER, BOURNEMOUTH - Pumpkin Blood Promotions Presents Dragster, Fall Victim & The Boneyard Creepers. 8 til late, £3 entry
Saturday 24th Feb: THE PORTMAN, BOSCOMBE - The Boneyard Creepers & The Family Buzzard, 9pm onwards, free entry
For more info and nifty flyers visit
www.myspace.com/pumpkinbloodpromos Current Mood: busy
|Thursday, January 4th, 2007|
Some good news on the flat front - our solicitors estimate that we should be exchanging contracts by the end of next week, with a completion date near the end of Janurary. I really cannot wait: our own, modern place, private & secured parking, plus the added benefit of a spare room for people to crash round if they want to! Current Mood: hyper
|Tuesday, December 12th, 2006|
|Monday, December 4th, 2006|
Well, we got the cd's in time for the launch gig on Friday which was a relief, and they actually look pretty good! The gig went really well, the support form Rohan was amazing; it's almost hypnotic to watch the guy play, and is very New Orleans in his sound. I think our set went pretty well, we had a few minor fuck-ups (but then it wouldn't be us without 'em!) but the energy was great. The Green Room gets soooo bloody hot! I had to peel my drenched shirt off my back by the end of the set, almost like removing cling-film from a sweaty piece of chicken! Was really good to see Nic, Matt n' Neenz and the rest of the gang, so thank you all for coming, I hope you weren't too appalled! If anyone would like a copy of the cd (£5 each) then comment/ring/mail me. You should get one. Trust me. It's really good. Like, Judd Nelson good.
We have had some good news on the flat front - the vendors have now found a property, AND it's vacant so no chain - woo hoo! We have also had consent from the shared ownership guys to keep the pets (Mel's two cats) so that is also good news. Now we've just got the hideous fees to pay and then we're hoping to move in sometime in January.
Until next time, natches......
|Monday, November 27th, 2006|
|Creepers album launch @ The Portman
This Friday the Portman plays host to The Boneyard Creepers alum launch party, with support from Voola and Sly - 8pm onwards, free entry and there will (hopefully!) be copies of the album available @ £5.00 each (you can't put a price on 10 meaty slabs of pure garage rock n' roll, but fuck it - we did anyway!).
In other news, we are still waiting for the people to move out of the flat we are hopefully buying, which is slightly annoying as WE now have everything in place; the mortgage is good to go, our solicitors are in place and the loan cheque for the deposit has come through. The flat itslef is amazing, and it's a shame that if the people cannot find anywhere to live in the next few months we may have to reconsider and start looking at some alternative properties.
I'm really looking forward to Christmas now - we have decided to spend it on our own at the flat, and get the obligatory 'rents visits out of the way before Xmas day itself. It will also be, on 12th December, mine and Mel's one year anniversary! I cannot beleive it's already been a year, and to this day feel like the luckiest bastard on the planet. It was about this time last year the Reverend were playing the Portman and I was leering over the most beautiful girl in the world - I was completetly plastered, hit my fingers with a drumstick, fell over half way through a song and spent most of the night ogling Mel and trying to sell her my old car. How the hell I managed to convince her that coming back to my place was a good idea is, to this day, one of life's unsolved mysteries. But I did, and it was my greatest achievement to date. Current Mood: nostalgic
|Wednesday, November 15th, 2006|
|The Boneyard Creepers - Great Bones of Fire
I am pleased to announce that at about 11.45 last night we completed The Boneyard Creepers 10-track demo "Great Bones of Fire", and it's a-soundin' sweeeeeeet!! We recorded it pretty much live at Active Music in Parkstone on Sunday from 11am to 7pm and spent about 4 hours last night mixing the songs and adding the samples etc. The track listing is as follows;
1. Black Moon
2. Never Look Up
3. Bone Idols
5. Boneyard Dragrace
6. Lust Baby
7. Edge of Town
8. Don't Mind Dying
9. X-Ray Boogie
10. Hard Time Shuffle
We're just waiting on the artwork now and are hoping to have the finished product ready for our gig at The Portman on December 1st. Hope to see everyone there buying lots of copies to contribute to the "Creepers Benevolent Fund"!
www.myspace.com/theboneyardclub Current Mood: accomplished
|Monday, November 13th, 2006|
|Tuesday, October 24th, 2006|
It's been a while, and most of my lunch breaks at work (the prime time for updating ones journal) have been spent trawling through the band's webpage on Myspace or surfing through mortgage websites. For those of you who don't know, Mel and I have, for the past few months, been looking to buy a place of our own. What with all the meeting with mortgage advisors, viewings, applying to various shared-ownership schemes etc it has been a busy, stressful, but ultimately positive experience! Hopefully things are now moving in the right direction and we will be well on our way to setting up our own happy home and making lots of extremely good-looking children.
The Creepers continue their reign of terror on the Bournemouth music scene, had a particularly enjoyable gig at the Gander on Saturday with the Demonic Upchucks - great crowd, good set and lots of beer being consumed: what more could you want from a night?!! My personal highlight of the night, however, was watching Alex (Creepers guitarist/vocalist) smuggle a BMX up the stairs and proceed to ride a victory lap around the Gander with a huge, child-like grin on his face before invading the stage and riding into the Upchucks mid-song. We are going into the studio to record our demo on the 12th November - a ten-track of original material with hopefully a cd-rom video thrown in for good measure. So, you lot can all expect a Boneyard Creepers cd for Christmas!!
On a completely different note, a pigeon flew into one of the windows at work yesterdy and promptly died from the impact. This is sad, though it did make a few of us chuckle. By the end of the day, a few of it's winged friends had already begun to peck a few holes in it's carcass, scattering feathers around it's limp little body. This morning, it's head was missing, and I watched a huge raven pull most of it's intestines out of the neck-hole and stretch them for quite a formidable distance. I felt strangely tranquil watching nature's own recycling process, witnessing the beautiful circle of life. If I were a bird, I think I would be a raven, those dudes are fucking harsh. Like Judd Nelson.
Adios for now, natches!! x Current Mood: optimistic
|Friday, August 18th, 2006|
|The joys of the Megaphone
Last night, we has the usual debacle that ensues with any Creepers rehearsal. Band members turning up late, last minute dashes, apology phone calls etc etc. So, we headed off to Ferndown in Adam's car, and got stuck in one of the most godawful traffic jams that stretched all the way around Hurn airport and then some. This would usually have been a tad depressing, only this time......Adam pulled out his newly purchased megaphone, stuck his head out the window and proceded to give the passing drivers a running commentary;
"Hurry it up will ya guys?! I got a body in the trunk!"
"Jeez, I feel sorry for you lady, stuck in a traffic jam AND you got a face like that!"
"Man, if you drive like you fuck, you got a serious problem, buddy!"
"Peugeot Coupe? Couldn't afford a Porsche, huh?!"
"Space Cruiser? Man, all they do it TAKE UP space! Jeez, they wen't out in the 80's, move on my friend!"
"Oh man, the breeze feels SO good on my neck!"
And then, out came the harmonica....imagine the classic old blues riff, if you will.....
*toot TOOT toot toot* "Stuck in a traffic jaaaaaammmm..."
*toot TOOT toot toot* "Goin' nowhere fast..."
*toot TOOT toot toot* "Stop when the lights shooowww..."
*toot TOOT toot toot* "Maaaannn, I'm outta gas... I got the traffic jam bluuues...!"
Needless to say, I think our entertainment only served to antagonise everyone else around us! But hey, it made us laugh!
The rehearsal went well, we now have a couple of new songs to showcase at the Portman on the 27th and redeem ourselves from the Endorse It festival. Endorse It was ok, but we suffered from a few set-backs - dodgy sound, snapped guitar strings, alcoholic intake etc, so it will be nice to really pull the stops out and blow the roof off next Sunday!
Until then..... Current Mood: working
|Monday, July 31st, 2006|
Just a bit of a plug for the upcoming Boneyard Creepers gig in honour of my 24th Birthday and Creepers debut @ The Portman;
Sunday August 27th at The Portman: The Boneyard Creepers plus support from the legendary Stand-Ins, plus some TBC special guests. This will be a night of loud, raw, booze-fuelled garage rock n' roll! 3 Creeps, 2 Guitars, 1 Drum kit, 0 Mercy!!!
"Soldier apes on horse-back, soldier apes on foot, soldier apes with orange hair giving you dirty looks!"
We are also playing the Endorse-It in Dorset festival on Sunday 13th August at 11.00am with the likes of Peeping Toms, Highliners and Hayseed Dixie. Come along, drink some Scrumpy and bring you in-bred sister for a cider-marathon hoe-down!
For more gig info, visit our site at;
Hope to see you all there! Current Mood: excited