Do you ever just want to express yourself, but sometimes find that you can't for one reason or another. Either be it the words simply won't flow the way you want them to, or you're being repressed by society? Hell, you don't have to be repressed from society as a whole, but maybe the people in your direct life?
Are you ever in a spot, where you feel if you say one thing, another person might react in a negative way? So you edit your thought, or simply don't say it at all?
I like to think of myself as a very vocal person. Very liberal, leaning toward Democratic, open minded, fair, non-judgmental, compromising, so why is it that I can give these things to the world, but all I get back is the exact opposite? Why is my opinion any less important than hers, or his? Why is YOUR way better than mine? Who's to say either way is better? Why do they HAVE to be better? Can't we come to a happy compromise that will satisfy both parties?
When I open my mouth, I feel as if sometimes I don't have a filter. Once in a while I will be in such a state that I'll speak before I think. Half of the time when this occurs, nothing drastic is said or nothing negative. Just an opinion. But about 30% of that half turns out to be received negativity from the other person. So I'm lead to believe either I'm saying something wrong, or they're not as open as me. Or perhaps, a third option, neither one of us is right.
The most frustrating part happens to be when people claim you can tell them anything. Because let's be honest, no, you can't. If it's about them, if it's anything critical toward them, even in a positive way, they'll take it wrong. I'm a very honest person, but honesty is not an excuse to be rude, mean, or disrespectful. Even if you wish to say something to someone, and you end it with, 'I'm just being honest' it doesn't make it okay. So in that same light, why do people say that they can handle it, when they can't?
Say you're being totally respectful, totally nice about it- constructive criticism- yet the person becomes defensive and angry the moment you tell them. Did they not claim they could handle it? It's just a weird world we live in. Where a lesbian has to hide who she is because some people can't handle what they don't understand. Where a girl can't speak her mind because the men in the room won't take her serious. Where a minority can't even make a comment without the majority taking it wrong.
Why can't people be more open, honest, and respectful of each other. Why must everyone be so passive aggressive and hateful, letting little things bother them so much, build up, until they finally snap or do something distasteful. When it all could have simply been handled by a little open honesty. Kind, open discussion, can fix so much. A little honesty can go a long way to repair or re-kindle a relationship. Why must we all forget that we all have feelings, that we all have thoughts and fears. That we all should be able to share these things, find common ground, and agree to disagree when we don't understand, or see eye to eye on a subject.
Why are people as a whole, so difficult? So destructive? Why must we fear what we say in a group of people who are supposed to be our peers, our friends. If you don't feel comfortable with people, find out why, and talk about it. Don't hide away, don't pretend they don't exist, don't ignore it, and certainly don't talk about them behind their backs. In my personal experience, I find that people would rather hear it from you, and be angry for a little while, than to hear it third person. Third person festers something terrible, it replaces a small amount of annoyance with hatred. It breeds fear, paranoia, it fosters disturbing thoughts and feelings, negativity that could have simply been avoided.
We should never let petty differences evolve in to hatred and fear. Fear grips us, fear holds on till there's nothing left but a void of sadness. It doesn't only hurt you, but hurts everyone around you. It sucks you in like a black hole, till there is simply nothing left. It also breeds violence. Violence against something you fear, you don't understand, it turns in to something more then it could have been.
People lash out in to the darkness when there is no light. Afraid someone is there to hurt them, there to take away something of them. A part of them they fear could breed in the darkness, causing paranoia. This leads to homophobia, racism, sexism, and any other type of fear based hatred. People hating people for their beliefs, where they live, the color of their skin, who they love, what they worship. Instead of sitting down and understanding, they fear and lash out.
They're children with rocks and stones tossing them at the boogie man.
If you think you aren't hurting someone, you're wrong. If you think it's funny to cause pain, you're really hurting yourself as well. To be able to know between what's okay, and what isn't okay, is part of life. It's part of this cycle. It's part of why we can't vocalize who we fully are, who we want to be. Because we fear what others will say or do, or we fear what the loved ones around us want us to do, or not to do. Cause and effect, if you say something, it might not bother people you care about, but what about the person you care about? If you knock a domino down, the others come tumbling down. If you talk to one person about an other, sooner or later they will find out, and your dominoes will come crashing down.
I want to live in a world where I can speak my mind, and not be afraid of the repercussion. I want to be able to be myself without hurting people. I have filters, I'm respectful, but sometimes I hold back my own opinions and statements to benefit others. I am selfish, I want to be able to say how I feel without being punished. I'm selfish for wanting to get along with everyone. To be able to smile and say hello, and receive the same instant kindness.
I do say hi to strangers, I do smile at people I don't know. I hold doors open for people, I give money to charity when I can.
But I also judge when I shouldn't, think thoughts that are rude and uncalled for, I sometimes feel racist, and I don't like everyone.
But I don't express negative things that I understand are not proper. I won't say I don't say negative things sometimes, but I know the difference between acceptable and not. I wonder if it's an age thing, or if it's how I was raised. I sometimes wonder if I'm wrong and the way everyone else is acting is right. I judge myself worse then you could ever judge me. I find myself repulsive at times, in the way I think and act, and other times, I'm proud of myself.
But I find the more I want to express myself, the more I learn. The more I open myself to possibilities the more I understand the people around me. I think we should all be open to understanding our differences, and work hard to listen to the other side of a story. To not jump to conclusions, to not block all other routes to an answer. We need to coincide with one an other, because this is our lives, this is our Earth. There is only one life to live, so you should live it, and remember everyone else is living this life on this rock with you. So why waste your time hating and being afraid, when you could be happy and understanding?
I want to feel secure. I want to be able to understand. I want to reach my hand out and hold yours. I want very much, to be able to speak my mind, and have people listen with the same ears I listen with.
I want to be a better person, and I want you to join me in my evolution.