in_my_head__

in_my_head__ @ 2006-05-24T21:26:00

2006-05-25T01:26:29Z

omg someone please tell me the davinci code lives up to the book.
i doubt it will, but i really loved that book.

replenishing

2006-05-22T14:35:15Z

Five minutes spent tally submerged in a pleasant make-believe world can be five of the most valuable minutes in your detox program. It is all a matter of concentration. The objective is to sit back, close your eyes and imagine yourself in any situation which makes you feel happy. Take whatever mental image is a good, positive one for you.

I'm having trouble with the concept of starting over, as it seems I have started over many times before.

Should the cycle be broken? Is it meant to?

These images or visualizations are ways of helping to see yourself attaining goals and achieveing success.

Why do i feel so broken, never to be mended.

i'm replenishing (again)

in_my_head__ @ 2006-03-28T22:55:00

2006-03-29T03:56:16Z

yes.

i binged.

i purged.

tonight.

fuckin' sue me.

in_my_head__ @ 2006-03-12T15:27:00

2006-03-12T20:27:29Z

today is my birthday.
woot.

question:

2006-02-09T18:54:56Z

Is there anyone in life you truly dislike?
Be honest.

in_my_head__ @ 2006-01-24T19:49:00

2006-01-25T00:49:33Z

sometimes i just want to give up

and he says he's a decent guy...

2006-01-11T16:56:57Z

Don't you just love it when you briefly "date" someone, looking for a casual, light hearted experience and suddenly only days later...woah, you realize you are dating a FUCKING SOCIOPATH?! Not only that but one that disrespects you when he realizes he can't manipulate you?! This bastard wouldn't let me get into my car and go home after he said something very rude (which doesn't matter right now); so I kept trying to tell him to fuck off and let me open my cardoor, pushing him away. So what does he do? he draws back his fist like he's going to pop me one in the eye! Real cool, man. What a freak...at that time, I was pretty shook up after seeing about 10 or so personalities come out of him that night after Mr. Jim Beam got a hold of his brain.

After he got up in my face and had the crazy look in his eye, he proceeded to taunt me with, "Did I scare you?! Do I scare you?" I kicked him in the nuts. That's the only time I've ever intentionally done that to a guy, but it was fully fucking deserved. All I wanted to do was kindly tell the prick it wasn't going to work out after only seeing each other for a little over a week. The problem I have is that since I am overall a practical, rational individual, I tend to assume that the other person at hand in the situation normally is too. I couldn't have been more wrong in this case, but it's a hard lesson learned.

Makes me want to stay single forever in some ways. It's not so much what happened that freaked me out, but knowing this person knows where I live and knowing there's no telling what he might be capable of. I've already had one (ironically blocked) phone call at 4 a.m. since this all went down last weekend stating what a "fucking dyke" I am (?!) Fucking childish bullshit; If I act like a hardcore bitch, it's only and always for a legitimate reason. I could keep ranting, but I have to find my blowtorch and pair of pliers and go take care of some business. No, seriously. I've wasted enough time typing about this piece of shit.

don't you hate it when someone makes a self-righteous statement only to make themselves into a total idiot (although they may not know it) because it's a double standard?

don't you hate people/friends/enemies/etc. that are always right in their own mind and you're always in the wrong?

i can admit when i'm wrong even when i hate to at times. i always try to consider other's feelings, but i often find myself being way too diplomatic even when it comes to the jackasses i've had to deal with. anyways...

it's like my aunt once told me, which i will never forget:

"Eow, about 90% of people are good people who are for the most part mature and honest. The other ten percent are just assholes, but most of them you can't tell them that they're assholes, because they don't know that they are assholes (in their minds), so why even bother with them? You just go on and let them believe they're wonderful and that they could never do wrong (in their minds)."

in_my_head__ @ 2006-01-08T17:21:00

2006-01-08T22:21:56Z

i'm broken... i have no one to talk to and i'm completely broken and scared.

(again)

in_my_head__ @ 2006-01-06T10:34:00

2006-01-06T15:36:47Z

Picks up head from desk.
pounding headache & eyes red and stinging (must have been crying)
Looks over at the empty bottle of vodka and valium.

OH YEAH.

in_my_head__ @ 2006-01-03T23:24:00

2006-01-04T04:26:23Z

why do i have to be so anxious all the time. i wish my body could just relax. i dont know what to do with myself. everything gets tight. when i get like this my throat feels so tight and its uncomfortable for me to eat and swallow. i HATE it. :(

i was just thinking about how when i was little, i think in kindergarten or 1st grade, that i use to bowl. i had this purple bowling ball and my dad took me to get my name engraved...i thought i was the coolest! hehe

im starving right now but theres nothing to eat in my house. i'll have to go food shopping tomorrow. i know if i try to eat i'll have a hard time swallowing and get frustrated anyway. but im hungry man. i just painted my nails this nice purple color and i think the smell from the nail polish is making me high =P~
ahhh classes start again next week. im anxious and crazy enough as it is!!
i think im going to start obsessively collecting barbies. i just bought a one of a kind faerie barbie off ebay. shes so cute. i want the peace and love hippie barbie too.

HOLY SHIT i have such a horrible headache. its not pain its just all this pressure and its going to pop! work was annoying today, too much to do, too many people talking to me, teeny bopper girls dancing and screaming *UGHHHH*. im hungry but i dont think theres anything good to eat. plus my throat is feeling tingly and annoying rite now and i wont enjoy eating. everyone go listen to some Madame Buddafly!!! www.madamebuddafly.com
owweeee my head feels like someones squeezing it! i have to shut off my musi

oh man im so anxious right now. my mind is racing gggrrrrr. my chest feels like its shaking. i think its b/c before me and john were walking past someones yard and all of a sudden we heard a dog behind us and it sounded like it was right behind me. i was waiting to feel it bite my leg or something. when we turned around we saw that it was right on the side of us but behind the gate LOL. i am so afraid of getting eaten by a dog so it scared the shit out of me!!!!

do i need to go to therapy or are all these mixed feelings that im always having just me being a girl? one minute i feel like i need to go out and make something of myself and the next i feel totally worthless.
ive decided that im surrounded by negativity. some of my friends, people who ive been friends with for a very long time, are unhappy and it takes its toll on me. im not blaming them at all for the way i feel but i know that if i was around different people i would be a lot happier. when i watch a movie and there is a group of people in a group doing something as simple as sitting in a park having a good time, i cry. i think i just realized why the movie Tart made me cry so much. when did this happen to me? why do i feel so lonely?

i need a new girlfriend.

in_my_head__ @ 2006-01-02T15:59:00

2006-01-02T21:01:04Z

This is fucking torture. How do you settle for less than perfection when it's already crossed your path?

I can't stand not knowing how you are. Don't be afraid of this anymore. All I can offer you is everything I have.

I don't want to end the year like this. My chest is aching, tight and thumping an irregular beat. I want him so badly. How much longer can I wait? And what will I do when I'm done waiting? Settle for less, that's what.

Isn't it incredible how the body can produce gallons and gallons of tears to shed over the same person? Human physiology never fails to amaze me.

Maybe I should've let him know that to me, "Poopieface" is a term of endearment.

OK I figure if I eat fast enough, it will keep the dam from exploding and flooding the office with my blubbering mess of tears. A fun experiment to try sometime. Maybe the kids can use it as a science project. :/

wow, happy new year to me.

i hate my mother

2006-01-01T08:43:15Z

gosh i honestly think I have the most evil mother in the entire world.

she makes me sick

in_my_head__ @ 2005-12-29T23:56:00

2005-12-30T04:58:12Z

It's so comforting to go home and still smell like bar. I miss
bars a lot lately. A friend of mine who is here for the moment
found this awesome little green bar in Covington. Now if only
the St. Tammany people would lay off the stupid curfew, everything
is open here and all the power's on, all the roads are clear.

I'm crazy homesick lately. I need to go back across the lake and
settle up with my landlady and all that nonsense, do one last
sweep of my house to make sure I haven't forgotten anything there,
and take out some more trash. Probably going to print myself up
some business cards and talk my way into the CBD if I can. I need
to go visit the lab and check on skirt and the state of my sister's
artwork and my work notebooks. (And my couch. Might need it at
some point.)

The radio here has recently started playing music. For a while all
we had was the Diva - it is rebroadcasting the Baton Rouge Diva,
which is significantly less gay than the New Orleans one, but still
really goddamn perky. After seeing slidell and metairie, I needed
the Diva. Especially after getting all built up by finding out my
whole neighborhood was dry and finding half the shingles on the front
of the house missing. I nearly drank the hot vodka I had left in
my kitchen cabinets, straight, no chaser, at ten o' clock in the morning.
The oh shit, I have nowhere to live moment.

in_my_head__ @ 2005-12-14T10:54:00

2005-12-14T15:55:02Z

This new job of mine is wonderful. I realise I'm still in the honeymoon phase with this new relationship, but I don't see myself falling out of love with it, for a number of reasons.

1) It's in a field that I'm very interested in, which involves long-term learning.
2) All of my coworkers are incredibly passionate about what it is that we do.
3) There is absolutely no pressure to do anything other than give our clients exactly what they ask for.

At the moment, what has me most excited and feeling entirely out of sorts is all the free time I have during normal hours of the day. My employment history over the past 5 years has been nothing other than restaurants, both front and back of house, which means that I'm most familiar with a 4pm-1am workday. Just as the majority of my peer group are heading out to enjoy a night out, I'm typically the one facilitating that night - bottle opening, joke making, flattering and flirting my way in the wallets of so many people. It has been, more often than not, soul sucking work. What kept me going was my love of cooking and wine. Those loves haven't changed now that I'm not packing my server pad anymore, in fact I've been freed to really enjoy those goodies without an accompanying environment of pressure, sales, anger and alcohol abuse (mine as well as their's).

So what's to be feeling strange about? Well, for starters, almost all of my social cherry pie has been devoured by people in the same industry: slaves to the business, who also had little to no contact with any of the 9 to 5ers who occasionally crossed our paths. I'm not quite a 9 to 5er now, but I'm nowhere near to working the ridiculous hours I used to keep, which means that I've almost entirely cut off from my past network of pie eaters. How could it be otherwise? I get off work just as they're madly throwing orders in to the kitchen and pretending that they have a clue about the wonderfully expensive '86 Brunello which is drawing the attention of Random Rich Guest in their section. So, that group is toast. We still talk, but it's mostly the kind of nonsense rituals that take place between people who know that the connection is gone.

Heyyyy! Long time no see, how's the new job?
Awesome! I love the aircon, and not working with Random Grumpy Chef! How's the kitchen treating ya?
Oh ya know.. same old. You should come by for drinks after service!
You bet, I'll see if I can pop by this week. Here's my number, gimme a shout sometime.
Hell ya, we'll have to hook up and get shitfaced for old times' sake.
Word. Gotta run, take it easy.
*enter obligatory touching of fists, because no one in the biz shakes hands (it's a foodsafe thing)*

The other issue is that I really don't know many 9 to 5ers very well. They've typically been on the fringes of my life, somewhere about where the bottom and top halves of the pie crust meet, to be pinched down and wiped with a little eggwash before baking. These are the people who I'm trying to involve myself with, and it's working, slowly. This is where my pie seems to be turning itself into a lovely tarte tatin, with that same pie crust to build from, but little in the way of filling. So I look around, find names I once knew way back when (one or two of whom I've approached), and continue to just plod along. I'm happy doing exactly this, because it's a symptom of a hugely positive change in my life.

So what this all seems to come down to is this: I'm happy to be building my new tarte tatin. I'm not sure I've made one before and have clearly lost the recipe, but damnit, it can't be *that* hard. If you have anything sweet, savory, or full of substance that you think would make a good addition to the recipe, by all means slip your order in below. The kitchen may be backed up from time to time, but we assure you it's worth the wait.

in_my_head__ @ 2005-12-09T10:08:00

2005-12-09T15:08:20Z

Bleh. Bladder infection. Good news is if anyone tried to mug me, I could turn around and pee on them, burn em up right there on the street, Eddie Murphy "Raw" style.

in_my_head__ @ 2005-12-05T10:17:00

2005-12-05T15:17:28Z

(this is a response to one of my friend's blogs that was talking about never being content with life)

i have finished school...started a job that paid well, hated it.
went to grad school. hated it.
started another job that doesn't pay that well, but i like it.
want to go to school for yet another (yet completely different type of) degree.
scared that i'm just putting of real life.
scared that i'll never be happy with what i have, and always be "planning for the future".
a future, that when it gets here, may not make me happy either.
do i really want to go back to school, take another 4 years (and at least 20 grand more in loans) get done with i'm 30, and still not be settled.
what if i'm not happy then?
what if, once again, i want to try something else.
i have so many interests.
i'm too smart for my own good.
i'm too good at the things i like to do.
i think it might be easier, sometimes, to just be really really stupid.
to be comfy with what i have, because that's all i can ever get.
but my thing is.
i know i can have more, but will that more make me feel any better with my life than what i have now?
all i can say now...is that i'm happy with my relationship...for the first time ever, that makes me really fucking happy.
i'm ok with how i look, who i am deep down......
but i still have no idea what i want to do with the rest of my life.

i'm right there with you, and i'm scared out of my fucking mind!!

in_my_head__ @ 2005-11-23T09:22:00

2005-11-23T14:23:04Z

*I was gonna go through an old journal Such profound things I had to say back then:
i've been cubicle-bound all day, i'm scared to go out there. somebody help me, send me food and water and a bedpan cuz i'm frightened to get up to go pee.
i might pass her and get the evil beast stare. but my cubicle sure is tidy. i have organized my paper clips according to size and drew little pictures to tack on the cubicle walls. i drew one of a bunny, and glued a wadded up piece of kleenex for it's tail. who would've known that fear generates creativity?
See? Complaining about Hose Beast, even then. I can't for the life of me figure out why I didn't capitalize then. I think I was boycotting the shift key.

*My boobs hurt. Add that to the list please.

*I think it is quite possible that I could listen to the Thriller album on a non-stop loop forever. I never wanted to fuck Michael Jackson though. Did anybody? You can admit it here. Come on. I gotta know.

*I pretend to think I'm a piece of shit when really I think the whole world should bow down before me.

OMG did I just say that?

*I like girls. OMG!! Demon fucking fingers! Fuck!

>:) Mwahahaha,

*There are times when I feel my body completely consumed by music. I do love to dance. And my challenge still stands.

Fuck it, s'not like I'm UGLY or anything. Blotchy faced, yes. Coyote ugly, no, heh...

so much fun this weekend.

2005-11-16T02:36:08Z

my girlfriend susanna.
::cries::
i miss her.

in_my_head__ @ 2005-11-09T10:05:00

2005-11-09T15:05:36Z

how do i post polls?

in_my_head__ @ 2005-10-31T14:08:00

2005-10-31T19:09:14Z

I guess I'm just overwhelmed with sentiment today, on Halloween, of all days.

Do you ever just sit back and watch other people and suddenly realize your respect, love, and admiration for humanity? I have these epiphanies sometimes, when I watch mothers with their children, the way they can comfort without words, or when I see an act of kindness from a one stranger to another.

I've always tried to find beauty in simplicity. Would I rather look like Pamela Anderson-Lee-Kid Rock or Winona Ryder? I'd rather be the latter - fresh, captivating, imperfectly intriguing. I've never felt beautiful or even comfortable with globs of makeup on my face and my boobs hanging out for everyone to see. I find these things forced and unnatural.

The whole idea to express what I feel this morning came from the stupidest thing - I was eating one of those McDonald's bagels I'm addicted to, with grease running down my arm into a pool of onion-y goodness on my desk, and I thought, "Damn, this is the best fuckin goddam bagel I've had since last Friday." And I appreciated it for what is was - a time during the day, no matter what else happens later on, when I was completely content with a $2.39 bagel.

Wouldn't it be a good idea, at places like McDonald's, where people like me could pay the full price for that bagel, knowing I will only eat half, and tell them that, so they can just cut the damn thing in half and give the other one to someone who is starving, for free?

in_my_head__ @ 2005-10-26T12:56:00

2005-10-26T16:53:38Z

So...when someone has a stroke, you don't remind them immediately after they've had one of how much they've fucked up and make them feel even worse then they already do, do you? As if they aren't already scared shitless?

Right?

I thought so too.

So...I've had a mild heart attack twice in my life due to complications with my blood. Both this year, both scared me shitless. Watching yourself die is certainly a profound experience if not a mind altering one. Afterwards, fuck me if I want to laugh a little for living and being able to still breathe. I don't need to be reminded how not taking care of myself contributed...at least not right away.

I just want to be able to relax and be calm and savor the moment. My body has already told me to "fuck off" for being irresponsible towards it, so all I want for right now are hugs and kisses and not to have every Tom, Dick, and Harry tell me off.

Is that to much to ask?

I'm going to go blow some Yummy Bubbles and maybe lay on the grass.

in_my_head__ @ 2005-10-21T00:16:00

2005-10-21T04:16:52Z

i'm paranoid and i like to screen comments. hope you guys don't mind. It's just a phase I'm going through right now.

does anyone read this?

2005-09-14T20:37:58Z

Ever have one of those weeks where a lot of excellent lucky things happen to you, but then a lot of truly horrendous shit takes place? Well it’s been one of those weeks. Well actually more bad things came then good, but I still can’t quite make up my mind whether or not it was a good or bad week. Hmm, shall I list the bad or the good first…? I suppose I’ll list the good first, because I’m trying to be optimistic. On Tuesday I got a job, its not the best job, but it pays, and I need money. I start this coming Tuesday. The reason I need the money is because today I bought a car. It’s old and has a lot of mileage, but it runs perfectly. If anyone cares, it’s a Mercury Grand Marquis. One of my best friends, Kristin, who recently moved to New Mexico finally got internet access, so I got to talk to her for the first time in several months. I also got a letter from my college letting me know that I’m accepted and that my financial aid went through…
Ok, so onto the bad news… Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. My friend Phoebe called, which is a good thing, but the news she told me kind of ruined the experience. She let me know that one of my friends, that I haven’t talked to in a while, Stephanie, killed herself. I don’t know why, and I really didn’t think she was depressed, every time I saw her and spoke to her, she was always happy and smiling. I know I shouldn’t blame myself, but if I knew I might have been able to help. I suppose it’s my nature to try to save people, but I know I can’t save everyone. *sigh* I also have no one to talk to about it, which leads me to the next bad news. Yesterday, I finally talked to Dan, who has been avoiding my calls for about a week. I called him and he actually picked up his phone. Apparently there was his (assuming,) new girl friend over, so once again he couldn’t talk. I told him that it didn’t bother me, which it did, but we agreed we could see other people. I suppose that the reason it upsets me is that I haven’t found anyone. If I did, I probably wouldn’t mind. I love him, and my heart actually starts to hurt when I think about him with someone else, but I know that if I really love him, I’ll let him go and hope he’ll be happy. I’ve never felt this kind of love. I thought I loved Kevin, but my heart never hurt when we broke up. If it did, maybe I suppressed the memory or something. I remember crying, but I don’t remember the literal feeling of my heart physically breaking. I know I loved Kevin, I still do in some remote sense, but I think Dan was the first person I was truly in love with. I hope I find it again, but if not I suppose feeling that way once is more then some people ever have. Blah blah, sentimental bullshit, I think I’ve seen one too many chick flicks…
I never know how to end these stupid journals, so I suppose I’ll just say: Until next time…