ichris_

01:33 am - Perspective.

I cried for 30 minutes straight tonight. i honestly dont remember the last time i cried before that, presumably the first time i left for college, though thruthfully im not even sure about that. Two things in life that fasinate me are perspective and relativity. Today, things that normally i value meant nothing to me. The idea of driving a nice lotus or range rover while wearing a cashmire suit felt like a waste of time to me. nights like tonight are when you realize the things that really matter. they are a reality check. i sat there in the hallway, noticing things i had never noticed before. a staple in the ceiling, the pattern on the wallpaper, the book in the table. i actually examined the pictures of when she was young on the wall, not just looked at them. Such an adorable child, so full of joy. i couldnt look at her in person though, it was too sad. you dont realize what really matters in life until someone you truly care about leaves you for 7 months. someone who you feel knows you literally better than you know yourself. 7 months seems like such a long long time, when in reality im sure it will be over before i know it. this summer was 4 months and i really just feel like i packed up to leave school last week. What a summer it was though. i tried to decide what i thought of this summer. i cant say it was especially good, but not bad either. i worked way too much, which was my plan, but i wasnt able to do fun summer things as a result. i worked 220 hours in the three weeks that pretty much were summer this year. before and after that the weather was kind of cold. i feel like summer was off to a great start before i did harvest. i met so many fun people and in a way, i felt like things were right between me and her. something happened though, i dont know what, and things fely very different after. harvest really took a toll on things, most of the people i talked to before it i didnt talk to after it. i really really regret it. on the other hand, my primary job was sithout question the best job ive ever had. i can honestly say there wasnt a single day that i didnt want to be there. sure some mornings i would have rather slept in a bit more, but the time always flied and i felt like it was time well spent. ive also never felt more grown up. not only do i feel like i have many more life experiences after this summer, i can also see myself getting physically more older. it feels so empty here now. i wish i could go back to school, sure im not on an extremely personal level with everyone there, but i just wish i wasnt so lonely. it hurts so bad with her gone. i wish more than anything i could have slept in her bed tonight. i think thats the only way this could feel any better. everything about this summer just feels so unresolved. im still not sure how to make sense of it all. i dont even know what would make things feel normal right now. is it possible that at this point in my life im just not supposed to feel normal? to me college means constantly being subjected to new things. new people, new information, new locations, new experiences. youre there for four months and then you leave and then come back and then have another four months for summer. everything seems so temporary. my sister left also. i guess for some reason i didnt understand that her leaving monday and not coming back until this weekend meant i wouldnt see her before i left. it hit me that night, and it was very hard saying goodbye to her also. i felt like i didnt get to see her enough this summer, she worked too much also. thats a bad excuse though. i should have made time. i wish i didnt take things forgranted. im so bad at that. im a perfect case of a person who doesnt realize what he has until it is gone. everything to me is so relative. one day things seem so insignificant and the next they are the most important thing in the world.
i just wish i could tell her how much she means to me without making her think i have an agenda. i hope she knows me well enough to know that i dont, but i found out this summer there was a lot of things we didnt know about eachother. maybe that is part of it. i wish i could have just had a few days to talk. we havent had a good late night talk in so so long. the sad thing too is that ive recently figured out that so many of our problems were my fault. i wish i could have been a better person.
i need to make 2000 dollars before christmas.

10:55 pm

http://www.dailysixer.com/washington.shtml


Seriously, the ultimate.

11:32 pm

Quinn Davis.

I request you call me immediately upon reading this entry.

I have not talked to you in quite some time.

that is all.

11:22 pm - 44-41 :'( so close.

I thought out of the sake of fun i would make a special post for billl. I would like to express my sympathies to you since your favorite football team was unable to win AT HOME this weekend. It hurt me deeply to see such a good team get defeated in overtime when the game was so close to being won. A field goal just didnt quite cut it...im very sorry. I wish your team the best of luck at Washington, they might need it after such a hard loss.
I love you billl alton
chris

12:58 am

Things to write about

Jelinek and last nights fun

Sister at Umich

yeah.

12:34 am

Where to start. Too much has happened since my last entry. I broke up with sam, that was very necessary. Things got really crazy with the parent thing, and then also i relaized how much it sucks having a GF at school, and actually its not even that. It would be fine having one, so long as she was liked by your firends. NOne of my firends liked her, which made hanignout with them and her impossible, and therefore made thigns really hard to cordinate. I dont think i would mind having one, as long as she was really worth it, and honestly i didnt feel like she was. Classes seem to be going well so far. Im really hoping that i will be able to motive myself when it comes time to really get oging. i guess for the most part im finding them all interesting to one degree or another. FSC is definetly going to be a challenge, but hopefully not too much of one.My cell phone hasnt worked since thursday anjd wont again until tuesday. Kait and I went 400 minutes over (in case you are wonding that translates to a 290$ bill) so that really sucks. Apparently when you exceed 200 dollars with sprint they shut off your plan untill the bill is paid. With me they waited until we hit 240 and then i spent another 50 dollars calling them trying to figure out what the hell was going on. at 42 cents a minute, that became kind of expensive. Anwyas, my plan restarts at tuesday because thats when my cycle starts over, and so im going to pay it then so we wont use more minutes. Fortunately my mom felt bad and is going to pay the bill for us. Well this situation sparked a whole fiasco at the scott house, and my dad began researching other plans etc for us. As a result, he went to the sprint store and acessed my account. Apparently all the asked for was my soc number and then i guess he just posed as me. I found this all out from my mom. of course he did this to find out what % of the minutes i am using and what % my sister is using. That mother fucking is trying to undermine me. Anyways, i am going to bitch him out tomorrow, and then imediatly after ill be calling the sprint store and going ape shit on them also. Seriously, they just gave out all of my info to him, credit card numbers and all. ANd i dont care if he is my dad, im legally emancipated from them so thats bullshit. Plus, the account is just mine, NOT related to him in anyway, its completely mine. I guess thats enough of that though. Nothing much exciting seems to be happening right now though. Ive been getting nose bleeds 2-3 times a day for the last 3 weeks, and thats getting kind of old. Ive also been really messed up recnetly. I guess i might be getting glasses also, so that might be kind of a nice change. I really dont think i need them, but i want them and i dont think they will hurt. Ive been playing tennis everyday. I bought shoes, shorts and sweat bands. yeah, im done, i lost all desire to wirte anymore.

04:30 am - LMAO

You May Be a Bit Schizotypal ...

A bit odd and socially isolated. You couldn't care less of what others think. And some of your beliefs are a little weird. Like that time you thought you were Jesus.

04:25 am - Facebook.

Its true what they say: The facebook is more addicting than cocain. I hate to admit it, because its one of those things i would really rather nto be involved with, but l find myself looking at it for hours at a time. Why? its really getting nowhere. Its like like by looking at pictures of people you actually get to know them, and odds are on that campus you never will. So why is it that i spend so much time lookign? The people really arent that interesting. Everyone is just trying to look hot for eveyone else. Its kind of one of those things thats gives stupid people a voice, and god i hate it when stupid people have a voice. Looking at it always leaves me in complete disgust. 90% of people on there are the people that i hate about MSU. They are the people who think they are completely the shit and are trying really hard to be cool. In thiking about this i have decided on two certainties. One: Most of the people that i actually know and like are not on the facebook, therefore leading me to assume that im completely wasting my time. Two: If i actually spent as much time trying to meet people as i do looking at that, i would have a lot more friends, friends that i actually know. Im all worked up now.... great.

01:49 am

well the truth is, i didnt mean to post that last entry... well not publicly anyway. From time to time i just like to let it all out, but i usually store those entrys under the "private file". None the less i really appreciated what all of you said. Rather than just respond to what you had written, ive decided to write something back to you invidually just so you know how much it meant.

Billl- Your dedication to your friends has always amazed me. Your always there to listen to them and help them through problems and eveything else life gives us. I cant tell you how much you have helped me over the years and how your humor has brightened my darkest days. While everyone might not understand you, thats what makes you so awesome. Im going to miss not seeing you next year.

Aj- We havent talked in a while and that really sucks. Just like bill, youve always been a great friend. Not just to me, but to everyone. I dont even know what you are up to this summer, but we all need to get together really soon because i havent seen much of any of you guys.

tje- I promise to use more punctuation in future entrys. Like i said, it was meant to be personal, and i guess i just wasnt thinking about it at the time. I really do thank you for what you said and it means a lot. Its been real fun every time ive seen you this summer,a nd i still want you to come pick me up some time haha.

James- Sorry i never called you about frisbey golf the other day. I completely forgot about it until i saw this. Youve really been a big help and i thank you for that. Lets make sure we throw some disc before the end of summer.

Ingrid- We havent talked in so long. I miss those great conversations we always used to have, and all of those events you talked about are locked, like, deep inside of me. I really would love coming up there sometime. ive have to give you a call and see if we can wokr something out. I really thansk you for caring though.

Laura- Ive got to admit that i was really surprised that you wrote something. Not only because we havent talked in a while, but because i had no idea you did read journals still. Just the fact that you wrote somethign meant a lot to me though. You totally didnt have to... its not like i had any clue that you read this thing, but you did anyway, and that seriously was huge to me. I hope youre summer is going great and we should hang out sometime again soon...if not now than at least when we both have more time at school, I was just thnking the other day about how much crazy fun we had last summer. Either way, thank you very much for caring.

Quinn- I have no idea what happened to your first comment, but your last one worked just the same. Its been really fun seeing you again and im glad that we have been hanging out. Youve always been a great friend and im glad that we still are.

Its funny how worked up i was at the time, and how completely calmed i was next time i looked at my journal. Honestly guys i cannot tell you how much what you said helped. As much as i bash LJ, i must admit that at times it can be a huge help. This was such an eye opener to me. Ive been so caught up in all of this crap recently and freaking out about this friend or that friend, but this was so refreshing to see. Its amazing to me that i can feel so shitty and just be lifted right up by so many people that care about me. Thank you very much guys, i care about all of you also and im totally there to talk if anyone ever needs to. I really want to see all of you before the end of summer. I need to work out somehting with every one of you.

Thank you thank you thank you.

Chris

02:11 am

Ive got an appointment for a filling at 930 in the moring, bu here i am making a post... oh well. I really felt like i needed to though. Its been a really messed up couple of days, and even though ive done a lot of talking about it, i think that i fell so much better about things afteri write about it. Somehow it just helps me think things through. I havent really been taking my medications a whole lot this summer which isnt good because ive had bad heartburn a lot, but even more so because ive been freaking depressed like crazy all summer. Its been a different kind of depressed though. Like im trying really hard to not think about it and just hide or ignore it, but i think thats really only made it worse, i can ignore it at times, but when it hits, it hits hard. I guess the last few nights with tory in town i havent had a chance to really think about things but with him gone, i was just torn apart tonight. Im more confused about life than ever right now, not that i havent felt that way before, but this time it is different. Usually i can feel things falling apart and i am conscious of it. This time it took me completely by surprise. This summer has been so much different than any other summer. In the past it was like id hang out with quinn or steve every single day, and even if i didnt, thats all i ever remember doing. But i havent seen muchof either of then this summer. Its so weird to me that two people that i was so close to are now two people i very rarely talk to. I havent talked to steve in a week. SInce i blew up on him a week ago weve said like two words, and that was when i went to his work to get my tennis racket out of his car. IVe decided to just let things go i guess. The whole thing with him and stephanie has completely changed him. Jill isnt talking to him either, or shannons for that matter. It just really makes me worry about whats going to happen to him this fall. Even though he talked about going to lansing, i think that 9/10 of the people who know him know what it isnt going to happen. That girl will go to school and he will have nothing becaise he has abandoned all his other friendships. I tried so long to let it go and keep hanging out with him but i just cant take it anymore. Hes changing faster than i could have imagined, and hes sliping away fast. I feel like i lost another part of myslef with him. I havent seen much of jill either recently. With my warped work schedule and her completely packed days, we havent had time to hang out. this summer just started so much differnet than it has been going recently. Im also starting to think about going back to school and i have very mixed feelings about that. And then there is this thing with sam, i dont feel much like writing about it, but it just amazes me how i have the greatest ability to find and date girks that have no intention of having a relationship. I also realized the most amazing thing today. I was talkign with jen at work about the entire thing, and i was able to sum up my entire feeling abou the situation. I feel like a whore, like i was hired so that i could be her fucking play toy. The best part is that she has no idea that i know. Whats more amazing to me is that jen and i are ont he same level with absolutely everything. Shes 34 years old, ive never been like freinds with someone 15 years older than me. He son is 6 years younger than we and we are like friends. whats an amazing person though. I just hate how i went from feeling so special, that great feeling of reassurance when you find out someone likes you. like wow, maybe i dont suck as much i think i do. I felt so great for like two weeks and then i find out its all a joke, im just a toy. Its the cheapest feeling in the world, i feel exactly the opposite of how ive felt the last two weeks. I just feel completely lost now though. I literally just stayed ay work today because i had nothing else to do. I just talkd with jen, and if i wasnt obligated to go pick up kaitlyn, i really think i would have stayed until close. The nights when i work with her are the only nights or work i look forward to anymore. Its like with this one peice of knowledge my entire summer of work is ruined. I still like working there, but i just feel so used and cheap. Im just so lost in it all, i have nothing to look forward to except for the beginning of the school year where my self confidence is comstantly tried and destroyed. I really wonder how i am going to handle 3 more years of this. Its not even that school is killing me, im killing me. School isnt bad at all, but its a question of if i have the endurance to keep myself from defeating myself. Life has unraveled so badly. Additionally, all of the knowledge i have gained and my beliefs are wearing me down. No thats i know so much about environmental issues, i feel constantly streesed. I know that there is nothing i can do about it, and thats the worse thing of all. I bought shorts at abercrombie yesterday, and i left feeling absolueltly devastated. I wish i could just be ignorant and that think about how the clothes were made and how im supporting everything i hate about america is shopping there. Its like everything i do, i always feel like im being a hypocrite and like im going against my beliefs. It just sucks because the only way i could avoid it entirely is if i became amish or soemthing. Im constantly haunted by myself. im sick of it, im sick of it all.

Current Mood: discontent