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July 24th, 2005
12:08 am
im so weak. so fucking weak. i do good not eating all day-for the past two days, and then i FUCK it up at night. last night it was like 11pm. tonight it was midnight. what the hell is my problem? last night it was donuts. tonight it was pizza that my stupid fucking dad had. im SICK OF IT i cant take it anymore. ive been yo-yoing for months now. i just throw my money out the window, wasting it on healthy food and on gym memberships and diet pills, only to turn around and binge and fuck it all up. well im sick of wasting my time sick of wasting my money sick of feeling like a fat ass piece of shit. so you know, thats it. im going on a liquid fast i dont give a motherfuck what happens im going to stick to it. green tea-water-fruit2o.. thats all. no food, no diet soda. i will take 2 stackers twice a day, i will exercise somehow everyday. i will update this everyday. maybe if i update everyday itll keep me on track. all i know is i have 25 days to lose 20 pounds. (or at least 10 pounds.. or 5.. fuck ive been the same weight for months i just want a teeensy bit of progress, damn it) because thats when my boy comes home. damn it, i dont want to be a fatass. i want to fit into my size 3 jeans again, all my small and xsmall abercrombie and Ae shirts.. theyre all just hanging in the closet mocking me. laughing in my fat fucking face.
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December 10th, 2003
04:14 pm
well, i got a code sooo i made a new journal! it will be strictly for ed related things, and ill keep this journal to talk about my boyfriend, school, blahblah, life in general.
add me!!!
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) curve_
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December 6th, 2003
08:11 pm
i dont know what to do.
i see my boyfriend in 23 days.
on monday i have to start my liquid fast and stick to it. HAVE TO. i will not eat food. i dont care what it takes. "im sick", "i have plans", whatever it takes.
there are no excuses.
none.
i have to weigh 110 by december 29th.
115 is acceptable. but NO MORE!!
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October 30th, 2003
01:48 pm
ha.. i was looking up "nutritional info for fun size candy bars" on a search engine and found this http://www.spfzero.net/markmyword/diets.htm
it is a joke of course. i found it to be funny :)
Current Mood:  bored
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October 4th, 2003
07:48 pm
grr..
ok. so why the hell is my period EARLY..
ive heard of late periods.
but early?
i just had one two weeks ago.
is this from my eating habits?
well i binged today. i seriously want to quit my fucking job. i cant work around all the food and expect to lose weight. i wish we had an abercrombie or something around here i could work at, seeing all the skinny girls would definitely be a good job for me.
i had-3 cookies. half a hot chocolate.
by this point i was sickeningly full. but i came home and there was arbys roast beef. so i figured, what the hell?
i am even tempted to eat another sandwich
what the fuck, why am i such a pig
i guess this period nonsense explains why i couldnt lose weight
and why i was maintaining on 133 when im normally 130
but god........
anyways is this 2 weeks early thing seminormal or am i totally fucked up???
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September 17th, 2003
01:48 pm - sorry about the massive quantity of updates.. but.
00 (1:44:20 PM): well god, tell me whats on ur mind, i dont like when ppl start to say something then are like nvmmm
9 8 (1:45:40 PM): i was gonna say i just always feel gross no matter what
00 (1:47:04 PM): well if u feel like that, why dont u do something about it? ur not fat.. but if u think u are, maybe u should do something about it..everybody always complains about their body, but never wants to do anything about it, or changed habits.... your not fat in the first place so chill
x9 9 8 (1:47:18 PM): sigh
00 (1:47:56 PM): ?
whaat a nice thing for a boyfriend to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
god damn
i just want to scream in his face. DONT YOU THINK IVE BEEN TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT FOR THE PAST FDJSLKA;FDJK;X NUMBER OF FUCKING MONTHS?????? DONT YOU THINK I WOULD IF I COULD???????????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING WILL MAKE THIS FUCKING FAT GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TALK ABOUT FUCKING MOTIVATION. OH HE WANTS ME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. WELL FUCK. LETS SEE HOW HE LIKES IT WHEN IM 75 POUNDS. WHEN I WONT BE ABLE TO HAVE KIDS ANYMORE. FUCK IT. SORRY HUN NO BABY FOR US BUT HEY AT LEAST I "DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT DIDNT I!!!!!!!!""!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!JFDSALJFDL;
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August 14th, 2003
04:16 pm
i really hate my life
okay so lets see whats happened in the past few days.
my friend michelle called me up wanting to go do something, so i did
i assumed we'd just drive around or something
she ends up seeing her friend and we end up at a party
where my ex is
i had 3 beers i think they were light i dont know and i really dont care
so then later we were going to wendys for some reason im not sure it was me michelle and my ex and his friend. its actually "our" ex because we both dated him.. kinda funny eh
so yeah we're all driving and michelles using my phone to try to call some dude.. and she was drunk.. obviously.. and she handed me my phone and said "someone named 'my love' keeps calling" so i take the phone, and she had accidently answered and my boyfriend had been on the phone for 40 seconds, all while my ex and his friend are in the background
so yes i about freaked out, and i hung up, and he kept calling back but i didnt answer because then michelle and our ex started argueing and they wouldnt shut up so i couldnt hear and my bf left me some nice voicemails wondering where i was and why there were guys in the background
because i was taking a nap before any of this started and he knew that, but when michelle called me i didnt tell him since he hates her, i just left becuase i figured id be back in a couple hours anyways.
ah so he thought i lied to him to go out and be with a bunch of guys and party
so i called him back and he told me to fuck off, blahbldfahfdl;a
so i start crying uncontrollably
my ex decides to be nice and try to simutaneously comfort, and molest me at the same time
not really but he was all trying to give me a hug and telling me to stop crying.. i pushed him away hes like sorry im like yea.. hes like you still like that guy dont you im like umm yeah i love that guy..
so then michelle starts bugging him about things in the past and they argue forever and she starts crying too
so we're all just pissed and crying
so we went back to the friends house and went to sleep and we woke up early and she went to work, while i went home and shot myself
no im not that lucky
so my boyfriend thinks i lied to him, i cheated on him with my ex, im a lying cheating piece of shit whore
we've had some stupid thigns happen in the past, most of them when i was with michelle, just stupid situations i get stuck in.. i never cheated on him though.. i wouldnt do that..
i told him i just want one last chance
but thats what i said last time
so i dont know
i really love him so much and if i lose him i really dont know what im gonna do, with my life, with anything, i had planned on moving in with him down in florida, and getting married to him, and spending my life with him, but now, i just dont know...
so yea. and theyre having open interviews at this new restaurant today, 9am-4pm.. i was ready to leave around 1 and he sends me this website.. stephanie.youaremyfriend.com
im like im your friend? just your friend?
so that made me feel like shit and so we talked for about an hour. hes like go to ur interview i dont wanna get you all worked up before that. im like bullshit whyd you send me that thing then its too late now
so i dunno
hes at the "mall" now
im so scared hes going to find another girl and cheat on me
he thinks i cheated on him, no matter how many times i tell him that i didnt, im afraid hes going to go out and "justify" that by screwing some other girl and its really killing me.. :(
ive gained 5 pounds but i dont really care
i have no appetite i got a smoothie and a cookie earlier to "console" myself but it obviously didnt help
i just feel numb
i cried for 40 minutes straight and now i just feel... numb. im done crying.. everytime i think about it, i just close my eyes and wince from the pain inside..
if he wont give me a chance im really scared about whats going to happen to me
i dont get suicidal, im not "brave" enough to go through with it.. i just engage in very self destructive behavior
i feel so empty, nobody even knows, i dont know what to do about this,
oh yeah so i went to the interview, i was already running late, then i couldnt find the place, by the time i got there at 2:45 they said they were done with interviews today because they got swamped this morning, and i should come back tomorrow.
yeah it doesnt matter no point in me getting a job anyways
i hate walking downtown with all the cars passing. and beeping. act as if theyd never seen a female walking down the street
hes at the mall now doing who knows what. i called and he said "can i callll you back" i said yeah. he said bye.
i dont know what to do.
i just want to never eat again
and slowly fade away
cuz hey at least ill get skinny in that process.
me=fat worthless lying piece of shit
Current Mood: numb
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August 3rd, 2003
10:06 pm
i really suck
i had 2 pieces of chicken, fries, 2 hushpuppies
3 cookies
2 glasses of chocolate milk
probably about.. 800 cals?
fdajkl;.
tomorrow morning im going to go get a chocolate chip cookie, a smoothie, maybe a cinnamon roll, maybe a brownie..
ill only eat half of each or something
i just need to get rid of my cravings.. then ill exercise when my mom goes to work at 11am.. and restart my fast.. it has to be interrupted on the 13th because my mom wants to go out to dinner for her bday.. but still.. 9 days.. hopefully i can be to 130 by then.
i KNOW i can.
then ill restart my fast.. probably until like, the 18th.. 5 more days.. maybe 5 more pounds.. and then i can go school shopping, and i SHOULD be around 125 pounds
i hope i can do it
i just want to be thin for when i get married
but thats about a year or so away so i have plenty of time..
i just want it NOW :(
i guess it doesnt matter what people at school think..
i think im visiting my bf in like november..
still, over 3 months, ill DEFINITELY be thin by that time :)
Current Mood:  angry
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July 10th, 2003
11:41 am
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**This journal iS friends oNLy**
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comment to bE added :)
Current Mood: sleepy
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