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Tayluh. <3

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[Saturday
February 12th, 2011]
I am very happy here, with my lion-faced boy.

 
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[Thursday
February 3rd, 2011]
For some reason, this is giving me a lot of anxiety.
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[Monday
January 24th, 2011]
I feel that I am at a very crucial point in my life. For once, I am deeply reflecting not only on what I want to be, but who I want to be. I've learned more in the past month than I've learned in the twenty years I've been on this Earth, and that scares me. I feel like I've been missing out. But for once, for the first real time, I feel complete. Not because of some person (as much as I really do like Daniel, I'm rather indifferent to the outcome of the situation, which is amazing for me) but because of myself. I feel like I've finally gotten what I've been missing my whole life. I don't know what exactly that thing is, but I think I've finally found it. (Part of me wants to blame it on G-d [yah, I just did that.] but I don't know if that's quite all there is that I've found.) I think that I've really found myself in these past weeks. I have truly grown into my skin and learned that people really do love me despite everything that I think is wrong with me. No. That's incorrect. People don't love me despite anything, they just love me. I've fought with myself to gain some sense of self-worth since as long as I can remember, and I've looked to boys (and sometimes girls) to give that to me, but I have learned (well, I've always known but never cared about knowing) that I need to find it in my self and I, for once, truly have. Of course, I still struggle with body image, but I don't wear make-up unless there's a reason to anymore (a stupid thing to say, but it does say a lot) and I really have stopped caring what I dress like (beware, I may, and I'm really not kidding, become one of those girls who only wears skirts--the concept makes a whooole lot of sense to me). I've stopped trying to work on my physical appearance (for the most part-- I still pluck my eyebrows) and have really concentrated on working on my emotional appearance, if that makes sense. But I do think I'm fighting with myself about accepting all of the rules that religious Jews follow.
Today I was confronted with infallible, scientific proof that G-d wrote the Torah (If you would like to see it-- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bible_code and that was only one of the points-- albeit a VERY good one, and one that scientists have tried desperately [and failed] to refute.) and I still can't truly accept it. I knew that G-d existed before this seminar that we had, but this proof, this irrefutable evidence that He wrote the Torah, that's something that I'm grappling with. I know that it's true, I just can't quite believe it (if that makes sense). And so if G-d wrote the Torah, that means he also wrote all of the rules (I forget what the Hebrew word for them is). But do I want to follow them? No. Am I supposed to? Yes.
Throughout these past weeks, I have met several (probably more than several) Orthodox women and couples and families. My opinion on them? They are the happiest effing people that I've ever met in my life. And I mean TRULY happy. Their relationships are envious. (Their dating process is intense, and you can't even tell each other how you feel, you tell the third party who sets you up. Most couples get engaged after three weeks, married after three months, and have babies within the year. All of my teachers are 31 with two or three kids and the eldest being five years old or so. Also, for a woman's entire period, as well as seven days after she stops bleeding, she can't even so much as touch her husband. But this, oddly enough, is one of the most attractive concepts I've learned thus far.) Part of me is SCREAMING "Just do it. Put on the skirt, go to seminary, get married in a couple years and start having babies" (the baby part also being the most attractive part of this idea, mainly because I've wanted to get married and have a baby since I was like thirteen.) But the other part of me is saying, "...Seriously? You're going to stop touching the opposite sex (not even a handshake!), stop eating cheeseburgers, not use any electronics, drive, or write for Shabbos (which, just so you know, is EVERY Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown), and stop wearing jeans? HAH, I give it a week." But I really don't know which side of me will win. It's only been four weeks (exactly, to this day) and I already want to uproot my whole life.
Well, I am definitely moving here. It's a five year commitment to make Aliya, but I fully intend on doing it (they also pay for any school in the entire country, including art school). I'm just not sure if I want to join the army before I go to school or not. That's another tough decision.
I just feel like I'm at the right place, I just need to figure myself out. And it's a really really hard task to do.
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[Wednesday
January 19th, 2011]
Get ready for this.

Okay. So in the past month or so I've become a totally different person.

I've decided to move here, and I'm not nervous in the slightest.
Plus I have Daniel, the soldier/security from our trip.
I've learned in the  past couple weeks that I shouldn't stress things, because everything will work out the way it is intended to. There was a period of about three days where Daniel didn't talk to me, and I started freaking out. Come to find out that he had been in the desert working, and didn't have any signal. Then he told me that he missed me. That made me realize that I was driving my self crazy for seriously no reason at all, and it made me realize I really don't need to stress anything, especially when it's totally out of my control. I'm going to see him next Thursday and I get to spend the weekend with him in Tel Aviv. I'm extremely excited. There's a huge culture disconnect between the two of us, and a language barrier (he speaks Spanish and Hebrew and I speak some spanish at best) when we try and communicate in English, but we're both so comfortable with eachother despite that. He's always happy, and it makes me really happy. I don't know if I could constitute it as taking it slowly, but I think we did. We didn't do anything until about five days into the trip (mind you, we were together 24/7), when we were drunk at a bar and he whispered in my ear (in his adorable broken english with his columbian accent) "I really want to kiss you now but there are too many people" and then 30 seconds later said "I can not wait anymore." And kissed me. We did nothing more than kiss until about a week after the trip ended. He's so sweet and always smiling and I really enjoy being with him. He also called me his girlfriend to one of his friends. So yeah. I'm kind of in love. It's wonderful.

We started a new program yesterday and it's four of us from my birthright group. We all share a room and have not stopped laughing since we got here. We have an incredible group dynamic between the four of us, and we went out last night and had one of the best (and drunkest) nights of my life. We laughed the entire time, so much that we were accumulating stares. I don't remember the last part of the night (somehow we kept getting free shots) and I have been hungover the entire day. It was so worth it, but I'm never drinking again.

I need to go to bed, that's really my life right now.
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[Friday
January 7th, 2011]
i am love and i'm never going home.
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[Wednesday
December 29th, 2010]
IM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS PLACE.
I AM NEVER EVER COMING HOME.
(WELL. MAYBE. BUT NOT FOR A WHILE.)
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[Friday
December 10th, 2010]
I need to stop falling in love the moment I meet someone.
Although, that is what lead to Gordon, Marcos, and Ryan.
Too bad he lives in SLO.
And too bad I'm leaving the country.
And too bad he's everything I want right now.
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[Friday
November 19th, 2010]
There is nothing I can say to convey anything I am thinking.

Unspoken truths litter the airwaves between us. I wish I could grab your face in both of my hands and scream it.

I'm confused by what you said to me, when we were alone in the dull glow of the kitchen light, both warmed and holding half full (or half empty) bottles of wine. I wonder if you meant it. (I have a knack for placing myself in this sort of situation-- at least it kind of worked in my favor last time.)

I am really, truly, leaving in a month. For three months. To a place where I don't speak the language. And it's a peculiar feeling.

I feel, now, more stable, and more capable, than I have ever felt.

I think I am finally an adult.



That is all.
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[Saturday
October 23rd, 2010]
honestly, i'm fucking lost.
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[Tuesday
September 7th, 2010]
At the moment, I'm squeezed into a tiny space between asa and the wall. He's sleeping beside me and his shoulders move eversoslightly when he breathes, making the cascade of freckles on his body breathe too. Am I comfortable? No, not in the slightest. He's taking up the entire bed (for the third night in a row) and I'm literally falling into a crack. But am I comfortable with him? More than I could have imagined.
I know I'm always back and forth between guys, saying "but this one is different! I swear!" And never really meaning it, but then I met asa, the sweet little boy who's a year younger than I, obsessed with wolves, and is also a libra. Never since youknowwho have I found such a perfect match. He's literally the other half of me, screaming loudly to taking back sunday in the car and blunt as all hell, we're already like a team. (We won all five games of beer pong last night, undefeated.) Not to mention he's the only guy to ever give me an orgasm (and boy does he know what he's doing.) He's wonderful and I'm smitten and my only qualm with him is that he sleeps for toooo long and needs to wake up. And better than that, his friends love me. In fact, they reeeally love me (and they have no problem constantly telling me this) and I love them too. We all click and its amazing and he's waking up (thx obnoxious blackberry keyboard clicking) so peace.


EDIT:
and wow. ten minutes later, buzzzzzkill. that suucks.
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[Friday
September 3rd, 2010]
I think I have finally found my group of friends.
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[Wednesday
August 18th, 2010]
It feels like it never even happened.
I spent two months with a group of people who started off as strangers and became my best friends. And now? I have no idea what to do with myself. It is nine in the morning, Ive been up since exactly seven thirty, as I have been for the past two months. My body is so used to waking up at that time that I cant even sleep in.
I wish I could explain everything about those past two months that made them wonderful, but it would be a futile effort. There is no way any one could ever understand.
I fell a little bit in love, and saying goodbye to brendan was possibly one of the most intense moments of my entire life. We gripped eachother with every bit of strength we had before we kissed one last time, and he looked into my eyes and said "goodbye, taylor". That will probably be the last time I ever see him.
Most of the people Ive met have changed me. Ive learnend things about life, about people, and mainly about tolerance. Ive also gained ten pounds , but thats okay.
I want to cry. But I wont.
Today Erinn and I are going to go thrifting for some furniture for my room. Its nice to be back with her, and part of me is still a bit in love with her too. My heart is just a big jumble of confusion right now.
Im going to go watch True Blood and go through my literally thousands of pictures from the summer.
I miss my girls.

One thing I would like to share is the letter one of my campers wrote to me, though. It was literally the nicest thing anyone has ever said, and I would like to keep it forever.

Dear Taylor,
I know your still at kamp, but I just wanted to say what a great counselor you were. You were so sweet and nice to us, caring, kind, and beautiful inside and out. When you tell us you felt like a proud mom, i was proud to call you my counselor. You cared for us as if we were your own children, and for me, since i am an only child, you played the perfect role as my big sister. You never showed your anger, and chose your words carefully. I really want you as my counselor next year, that is if you come back. So please come back. I know it is hard with school and everything, but i will have the biggest smile on my face on arriving day next summer, when I see my favorite counselor standing there, (that is you of course). Having you hover over us in Switzerland every night while we talk to guys, just shows how much you care about us ( well, at Kamp at least). You are the sweetest, nicest, prettiest girl i have ever met in my entire life and when I said you are a beautiful princess, i really did mean it. Thank you for such a great summer.
I Love You

Sydney


I made an impact on someones life and I am proud to say that it has been a positive one. I will never forget this summer as long as I live.
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[Thursday
August 5th, 2010]
There are basically ten days of camp and im having completely mixed feelings about it.
For one, Im so tired that my body has started to fail. I have days where Im just so depressed because my body just cant take this anymore. I stay in most of my nights out and cuddle in the C-shack, and though its perfect and relaxing, part of me would rather go to bed at ten every night. Even if I did though, I would still not have adequate rest.
Im excited for a change of scenery. Im excited for no more schedules or bells or bugles or waking up at seven thirty. Im excited to be aloe, Im excited to not spend four hours in a darkroom every day, im excited to not have eleven children and four other counselors living in the same room as me, Im excited to be alone.
But Im not excited to leave him. I dot know how Im going to say goodbye to a boy that Ive spent every day with for the last two and a half months, who kisses me sweetly before bed and leaves me little notes. The boy who rubs my back while I lay sleeping in his lap. I am not, in any way, excited to leave him.
Other than that, I dont think i can wait to get out of here, get to erinn's, smoke a bowl and get slurpees and watch a zombie flick. Im super pumped for the little things.

I have also decided that I am moving to new york, for certain. though it will probably be after Israel (a trip that I believe dylan will be accompanying me on). I think that its the best decision for me and i think that i will really thrive once im there. getting into a school will kind of be a problem, being that im not doing so well at this moment, but we shalll see.

other than that, thats about it.
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[Monday
July 19th, 2010]
yepppp im over it.




stupid shit. every single time. im just over it.
ps. im sick of getting drunk and embarassing myself.
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[Sunday
July 11th, 2010]
Wellll things are goood.

I'm kinda head over heels for this boy and I love the way he kisses me and holds my hand and always rubs my back.
Its sweet and he's sweet and I enjoy his company.

Lorna is a cunt, kiki is a handful, and christine is my savior

First session is over next week, I plan on getting laid (I got halfway there but that's it) and I will do it (and not fall asleep like I did two nights ago).
My night off was epic. I got drunk, didn't cuddle though cause I went to sleep first. The next day I spent too much money. Got tired. Cuddled in the back in the boot of christines car. Debated men vs women. Kissed a cute boy (several times).

I'm happy. I wonder where this will lead. Southern boys, oh my.
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[Tuesday
June 15th, 2010]
sitting at a bar.
tons of manual labor, cute boys, and accents.
letter from max duell, raspberry chocolate coffee, better food than last year.
new counselors, new friends, good mentality.
im tired and sick and physically drained, but i feel really good.

i miss you all.
please write.
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[Saturday
June 12th, 2010]
151 kohut road
oxford, maine
04270

WRITE ME. :)
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[Friday
June 11th, 2010]
So... I may be moving to new york.
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[Wednesday
June 2nd, 2010]
fuck miami and everything that comes along with it
if it werent for lauren segall, id have nowhere to sleep for the next three days, nor would i have anyone i can really talk to
i cried when my dad told me not to come home but now im so over it, just waiting for him to notice his missing tequila
it hurts, but so does everything
this ryan thing is giving me a headache because after everything ive built up again with him i fucked up and didnt even do anything 
theres nothing i can do to gain his forgiveness and it kills me because i love him endlessly
and you can sit there and tell me its meaningless and that you dont have the time to deal with anything but yourself but ive been there for you through all of your stupid shit and all of your important shit and never differentiated between the two
i need to choose my friends more wisely, because coming home is like being sucked from the sun into the shade
ive completely lost myself in this shit and im excited to get the fuck outta here

theres such a thick layer of grime over this city that even the flowers smell rank.
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[Monday
May 31st, 2010]

a body's just a body's just a body's what you said
and i swear to god you fucked me like you meant it, and i didnt protest it
you fucked me like your whore, left me beggin, wanting more
but you didnt even touch me after
im clinging to a miracle held on a string of colored beads with glass hearts and diamonds that you once had made for me
and though you tell me im composed of rotten compost, lies and bones, i still believe my heart will be your home
but you, youre only made of leather skin and wrenches, graffiti on the sidewalks, and gum hidden under benches
and when i look at you i ache for colors other than this hue, but i get nothing out of you other than blue
i drink in your skin like iced tea on a warm day and you sip on me like bourban, making faces and a fist
this is it, i guess, no more use for regrets, cause its over and its just time for me to forget
but you sit there, gun smmoking, smoking your cigarette, while you send a slew of bullets speeding into my naked chest
im undressed in front of you, standing bare and naked, bruised, because of you


your eyes sliced me like daggers freshly sharpened on your heart of stone
your arms, they felt like home one time, but now youre not my home
and my eyes they drip with saline and my wrists they drip with red
and my brain is fucking pounding with every word youve ever said
im distressed, here, a mess, here, a fucking wreck, undressed here
bared and bruised, broken, used, with my chest cut and gaping, just for you
 


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