##

Task for holiday month: Burn a cd of happy cheesey girly songs and dance to it in my room! with headphones on, and a locked door of course :)

Hullo

Wow its been a long time since i was last here :)thought i'd update because jerald is sitting across me studying for his last paper, and I should look busy so as to build the atmosphere of concentration.

I'm on holiday this month. I declared it when i realized how much i needed it. so despite the little gnomes inside me telling me to stay or else screw up the business, i took my break. my brother is running the stores for this month.

How do i feel about my business? i hate it. i hate everything about it. i am trapped. i dont want to have anything more to do with it, yet i cant pull away. i cant leave it. i need to make it work. i need to make back the money my dad so generously put in. I hate the fact that all i can ever think about is the business. i hate that i never have time for friends. i hate that when i squeeze in time for my boyfriend, all i can think of is the business. i hate that by 730pm i feel so happy that the stores are closing but by 830pm i have panic attacks about the repeating the next day. i hate that i wake up feeling so depressed but quickly rush to brush my teeth so i wont have to think about it. i hate that even when i am on holiday i still feel the anxiety attacks of having to sleep early. i hate that doing this has turned me into a rushing, demanding, angry person. i hate that i dont like it when my friends show up at the store because i am so caught up in working, and serving, and planning a kitchen schedule, or the uncertain future, or solving a conflict between employees, or dealing with someones inefficiencies or whatever the fuck else. i hate that i treat people differently. i hate that there are no clear guidelines for anything. i hate that i have to figure out everything ON MY OWN I HATE THAT THERES ALWAYS A NEW DIFFERENT PROBLEM EVERY DAY I HATE THAT I AM SO UNHAPPY.

God i wish i could just reverse it all and never taken the lease. i am stuck in something i hate so intensely but need to continue working at, hard at,for 18 more months. i hate that there is no such thing as not doing a good job because i cant bring myself to fail. i hate that my inability to accept failure is driving me crazy. i hate that i cant pull away. i hate the business for burning me out. i hate the business for making me near the brink of insanity. for making my head feel constantly like it was going to explode and for me having to cry in jeralds arms every, single, fucking night for 3 months.

I hate the business for doing everything it did to me so much. now that things are more settled and even if my hours can be as short as 6 hours a day now, i still hate it. because it bled me dry. i have no more heart or reserves i can give. yet, i try to do more with the nothingness i have.

I just want out.

This entry turned very angry. i should have expected it.

I really need help.

Someone please help me

I have thoughts in my head that i need to verbalize but i have decided i have too little energy today to do that.

I have just spent the last two minutes reading and re reading my first sentence and contemplating whether or not to go on. i am feeling grumpy and moody, as i sometimes do when i pms. i am tired of being kind today. i don't want to be sweet. i don't feel like placing smiley faces at the end of my texts. but i still do. so now i need a break.

For the rest of today i will crawl under my covers and talk to my thoughts because i am grumpy.

Hi

Thought i'd blog since i have fifteen minutes to kill before i meet jerald.

I havent updated in so long. i blame my contentment with the way things are. blogs are more for my discontented moments. i use this space to vent. expressly or not. sometimes when i talk about my day it's because i don't feel like talking to people. i'd rather hide a feeling under typed words. makes me feel better. today i do blog for no reason though. just an update.

I turn 23 soon. I never thought id turn 23 so fast. I remember when my sister turned twenty and thinking about how old she had become. my sister is getting married in 6 months now, time passes so fast.

I am graduating in 3 months. i'm not going to be in school anymore where the biggest mistake you can make is to fail an exam. i like school a lot. i dont like the stories i hear about having to sleep your way to the top. they used to just be stories, now it's really in your face.

I have an issue with growing up. we once did a poll in class about how well we thought we knew ourselves. i remember my rating was higher than the average person, meaning that i thought i knew myself fairly well. i think i overestimated. over the past year i discovered things about relationships and people that woke me up from my naive and sheltered world. i feel older now. everything i believed about myself changed so easily. I used to think i was an independent girlfriend. I used to believe so strongly in the idea of my own space. now i see jerald everyday and i love the fact that i do.

I think... who we are is not so much about our talents, or our status, or our backgrounds. it's more about who we decide to be. today, i have decided that i am a 23 year old who is growing up. i have ambitions and plans, and i will succeed in the future. i am kind, i am generous, and i love my friends. thats who i have decided to be. and i will turn out this way.

Anyway, im late to meet jerald. ill continue this another time.

Hello,

Thought i'd blog because i just found out that my appointment tomorrow at school is at four thirty in the afternoon and not in the early morning. so i dont have to sleep right now. anyway my heart is beating too fast to go to sleep.

We went to the beach today. with the intention of just sitting around and talking. but in the end we the activity-addicted ended up playing beach games and swimming (with no spare change). a lot of fun as usual.

I dont want school to start. this summer has been so awesome it really shouldnt end so quick. i will have to switch back to study mode and book my sofa seat on level four of the library. one last week. i have to psyche myself up for it and get out of my play mode. im the on-a-roll girl. i need to be on a roll to get things done. if im playing i just play. now that im in play mode i am getting things done at snails speed. it took me forever but i just bought my freezer and signed up for the wsq food course. i still need to settle all the suppliers all over sgggg. im not complaining. i am psyching myself up. on-a-roll.

My boss for spaesprit has forgotten about me. im not sure if im glad or sad. while i was very excited about the exposure and experience, im worried it'll break my on-the-rollness for school. i really need to do well this year. i dont know what's more important. um. nevermind, i think i am being lame and worrying about nothing. i think it's because im getting sleepy and blogging about rubbish again. i think, i talk to myself a lot. thank god for blogs.

All I know is everything is not as it's sold
But the more I grow the less I know

And I have lived so many lives though I'm not old
And the more I see the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me

And,

Yesterday's training was a killer. by the end of it all of us were either rolling around the track in pain or by the drain getting ready to throw up.

Ze disappeared for twenty minutes and after all of us had recovered we started wondering where she had gone to. we found her at the back dying on a bench.

Me: Zeeeee dont die!!! I've come to resuscitate you!

Fir: NO JOCE!!! that is jerald's and my job! i'll do the... CHEST PUMP!!!

Jerald: (excitedly) I'LL DO MOUTH TO MOUTH!!!

Ze: (ignoring all of us) Guys... im hallucinating.

I can't get this song out of my head

I've had such disturbed sleep over this past week. this morning i was supposed to wake up at 615 to get ready to run the smu citytrail charity run with ze jo yims and fir. but instead of waking up to my alarm i woke up to a text saying that it was pouring and that the event would get delayed. after waking up to many more subsequent texts the event got cancelled and i could go back to sleep peacefully.

In the end i woke up at one haha but it felt good to catch up on all the lost sleep. today was a lazy day. a good way to end off an insane non-parent-in-the-house week. i must say i really love my friends a lot. i think theyre the best.

I've always had a problem with people. no matter who i hung out with, i'd always find something about a person to get upset with. the degree would vary, but it'd always be there. sometimes id get over it, and other times id just suck it up and deal with it. i've always hated the fact that i was like this because it made things a lot tougher. you'd want to love the person but there was that one or two things about them that would also make you want to jump over the table and pull all their hair out. Initially i wished that i wouldnt see past the facades, that i could just be oblivious to the things they did. but then i realized that it was a good thing. because when you notice the good and the bad you learn from it.

Fir is a prime example of a selfless friend. for him its easy, you'd have to be an idiot to not see it. he just keeps giving and giving and giving and thinking of all of us before himself. it's really nice to hang out with a friend like that because you know that you can be an idiot and he wouldnt care.

Actually, wait. i realized that i dont learn from the bad. i just learn from the good. every time i see a friend thats better than me in terms of character or has an interesting perspective, i observe, and i learn. every time i see someone who's selfish or rude, or mean, i dont think i learn. i think i hate. i think i get so annoyed watching it that the next time that person does something remotely close to what they did before, i'd feel like slapping him or her. then from that day onwards, that person would get labeled in my head as being a certain way. after this point, it becomes a choice. i have to choose whether to love in spite of the knowledge of this quality.

That's what makes loving tough. knowing, but choosing to accept. choosing to acknowledge that no one is perfect and that you should focus on the good and not the bad. sometimes i get so consumed by that one or two qualities that piss me off that i forget the other reasons why this person is my friend. i have to remind myself constantly. loving someone really is a matter of choice. its just that some choices are easier to make than others. I think friendships end or get strained because someone decides its not worth the effort.

Perhaps that's why i love where i am so much right now. i love being in smu. i love being in track. i figure its because the choice is so easy. its so easy to love some friends. i dont have to struggle to love them i just do. i also think that because i know i have friends that love me i can deal with so much more. its the feeling that you can walk around in life and be whoever you want to be around new people, because no matter what you do, at the end of it when everything else fades away, youd have these friends there. for that i think im one of the luckiest girls around. its not often that people can say they have what i do.


Anyway, an abrupt ending but i have to head off for dinner now. will update again soon. i realize that long entries can be quite therapeutic. okay, hope everyone's rainy sunday is nice for them :)