| black holes |
[29 Aug 2007|11:18am] |
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music |
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skinny puppy; cult |
] |
i look at you and been doing a lot of questioning. i look at you and i'm seeing you fading away. i see you getting lost in the depths of your mind and when you come back, it's as if you're speaking in an utterly different language. lost. dreamlike. where are you going? why can't you take me too?
i'm scared out of my mind of going to hell and back with you. you speak of chaos, polar shifts, the world ending, mayan calendars, black holes and all that scares me too.
in some ways i think you sense it. i think you know when i pull away or can't look at you in the eye. you see right through me.
and i'm trying, with all the sanity i can muster, to keep us both sane.
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[17 Aug 2007|08:39pm] |
I've been stucked with one memory all day. Sixteen. In the passenger seat of a mean boy's car. Wishing he were you.
I got you now.
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| crashing into everything |
[28 May 2007|10:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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skinny puppy |
] |
I don't want to do a lot of things tomorrow. I suppose that makes me lethargic even though I'd hate to admit it.
Lately I've been so easily sucked into fake television shows & video games. I'm wasting. Where did my creativity run off to? I have the desire to be productive but just don't know where to begin. I suck.
I got my cell phone back. Joy.
Lydia called me. I miss her muchly. ♥
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| wrist banger |
[27 May 2007|03:10pm] |
I ache all over but I love it. I managed to squeeze up front for Skinny Puppy & Front Line in my pointy boots and hang out in the bar this weekend. I haven't spent money so carelessly in the longest time but I don't feel any discontentment over the matter. Fuck materialistic issues! We danced, drank, probably pissed off a few people but it was fun. At the Hilton party I got a chance to talk to FLA briefly. ♥ And got free drinks from a tiny, odd, overly intoxicated gentleman who was being too touchy with both me and my date. My wrists are bruised from banging them on the stage.
Susana Kaysen was a wrist banger.
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[22 May 2007|08:25pm] |
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music |
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Dawn of the Dead |
] |
One less person in a house meant for two. One down. Two more to go.
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| miss mumbles |
[22 May 2007|06:23pm] |
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She sits screaming at the top of her lungs. And I can't help but wonder if maybe she's the coherent one. I can't help but wonder why she's by herself and why anyone would let her out in public for that matter. She's a pefect picture of how I feel. Uncontrolled. Her joints twist and tighten at their own will. Her face a child's on a body that may have grown too fast. Mumble, Virgina. Just keep on. I'm listening.
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| rotten |
[14 May 2007|05:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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skinny puppy |
] |
I hate getting my period. I feel so dirty and unattractive. Smooth legs don't even entice him.
My parents are gone now & I cried like a baby when they left. It sucked. I hate getting emotional. I felt so fucking silly. I wish they could have stayed longer or that somehow the distance between here and there was imaginary. I'm just a deluded little girl.
They bought me a brand new computer, dinnette set and a new picture phone. I let them spoil me rotten.
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| love bites |
[06 May 2007|07:51pm] |
My parents are coming up next weekend and my apartment is a dump. Well, it's not that bad but it needs some cleaning. And since I'm quite fond of procrastanation, it'll definitely be at the last minute.
I didn't quite get the fun I wanted from last night. I hate hard liquor. If I had drank anymore, I'd still be hanging my head off the toliet bowl. Not a lot of people came by so it wasn't chaotic like my birthday.
Ryan got an odd, unexplainable, allergic reaction last night. It was just so fucking weird. His neck got all flushed and spotty and he was having trouble breathing but he didn't want to taking shots. He'll probably feel like a champ in the morning.
I guess I should put off school till the fall term as much as I want to start getting myself focused. I just don't have the money. I fucking hate this. We're fighting again too. Things were going so well.
Our roommate is moving out soon who I will definitely miss and then my boyfriend's brother & girlfriend are moving in. He promised this would be the last time..
Ava keeps hurting me while I try to sleep. She's so cute but when I try to cuddle with her she hurts.
( meow )
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| broken sentences |
[03 May 2007|10:54pm] |
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music |
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animal planet |
] |
I need a spine. One sharper than yours.
There's nothing uglier than left over beer and debts. Nothing is mine. Everything is already claimed for. Mexican food and Pabst is the taste in my throat. I shouldn't have eaten too much. I wish I could puke. I'm a bit tired of playing house. Complaints. Short broken sentences. That's all I got to offer.
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| wicked, wicked, thing |
[22 Jan 2007|05:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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dresden dolls |
] |
Last night he actually looked at me. Not that simple questionable glance. He held me so close I thought he was going to kill me. I held my breath everytime he played with my lips and dragged his hands down my face. Afraid to interrupt the moment. He did it all just because I told him not to touch me. He's a wicked, wicked, thing.
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| chit chat |
[05 Dec 2006|06:54pm] |
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It's getting colder and I have far too much chatter in my head. I need to control it.
On the streetcar I sat next to a man who talked to himself. He had the acrid scent of alcohol and I'm sure his own urine. He was leaned against the window speaking half english and probably jibberish. It's bad to eavesdrop.
I wish I had money to do laundry. Perhaps I shouldn't have spent it on silly things like panty hose and dresses.
My boyfriend and I bumped into each other this morning going to the elevator. I told him that whenever we accidently meet, I feel that I am at the right place at the right time. I felt kind of stupid afterwards.
I feel like the toaster we have sitting on our cluttered counter. It's always disconnected until someone needs it and plugs it it.
Hi. I'm still here.
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| tick tock |
[28 Nov 2006|05:04pm] |
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I swear if I live here any longer I am going to go insane.
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| the object of my affection |
[10 Oct 2006|01:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
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hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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:w: |
] |
i want a kitten
i want my cell phone back
i want more money for school
i want a canvas
i want a good book to read
i want new shoes. preferably boots
i want a smaller waist
i want a new hair color
i want more music
i want to go out more
i want a computer
i want my hunger to go away
i want my period to come
i want a better apartment
i want my boyfriend to come home
i want someone to play with
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| cheers darlin' |
[18 Jul 2006|04:00am] |
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I feel as if I've complicated things. Timing. Feelings. The figures don't sum up. Just when I thought I knew myself.
My sleeping pattern is fucked. I need to sleep. Sometime this week I need to make it a point to go to bed early. To fix myself.
I went to Barnes & Noble today & picked up Nick Cave's And the Ass Saw the Angel. I should get started on it tonight but I need to clear my head first.
The weeks are rolling by faster than I thought. Soon enough I'll be in Oregon and that's when it'll hit me. That I'm going to be alone on this.
I'm a big girl. I'm more excited than scared.
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| A Hundred Blahs |
[19 Jun 2006|04:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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damien rice |
] |
The summer is going by at a painfully slow pace. June isn't over yet and then there's still all of July. Oh joy.
Moving should be interesting. It'll be an empty apartment at the Village at Lovejoy Fountain for a while but it's better than living in a dorm with someone I may not be too fond of. The Hawthorne. 1 bedroom. 1 bath. 630 square feet. At least this way no one gets hurt when I attempt to cook.
My flight from Houston to Portland will be a mere four hours. I'll sleep my flight through. Avoid the window, Felicia. Don't puke any innocent bystanders. I can't wait till August 16th. I can't wait till I'm out of here.
I need to stop spending so much money.
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| she'll never retire |
[22 Mar 2006|01:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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jack off jill//cinnamon spider |
] |
I'm still alive.
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| The Knuckle Skinner |
[02 Mar 2006|10:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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noise unit |
] |
 | Knuckle Skinner | | People Iced: | Forty Three | | Car Bombs Planted: | Nineteen | | Favorite Weapon | Chain Saw | | Arms Broken: | Twenty | | Eyes Gouged: | One | | Tongues Cut Off: | Four | | Biggest Enemy: | Backseat Boris | Get Your HITMAN Name |
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| Can you really blame me? |
[21 Feb 2006|05:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
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VNV NATION |
] |
I surprise myself sometimes. Just when I think I got everything figured out, I'm already finding complications. Trust me, I regret a lot of things. And maybe I'm trying to take the path less traveled but can you really blame me? I'm sick of redundancy. Routine. Clockwork. Sick of doing what's expected. Send me a curve ball or even a God damn tidal wave, someone, anyone. Ah, wait a second. There's no one. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore or what I'm supposed to feel at this point. Teenage apathy. It's just a phase of course.
Moving on. I'm almost finished with Perfume. Lydia took me to B&N and I ended up buying Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk after playing a long game of insults with random book titles. It was stupid and fun as hell. I'm going to miss her. I'd rather bite my tongue off before telling my best friend that.
Sadly, all I'm looking forward to this week is getting drunk at Derick's on Friday. Maybe I'm becoming an alcoholic. It's all fun and games. I felt pretty today but I hate it when boys compliment me. I hate it just as much as I hate splinters under my fingernail. Our heater's dead. I'm going to freeze to death tonight. I could dance to this all night long.
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| full recovery |
[14 Feb 2006|05:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
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depeche mode |
] |
I played sick to avoid going to school today. Call me bitter, cynical or even juvenile if you like. I just didn't want to see all the heart shaped balloons, pink tissue paper and kissing. Wait. Correction. Groping.
While everyone is out with their significant others, I will be at home making goo goo eyes at Clark Gable. Yes, I'm just that lucky. Last year I got a boyfriend for Valentine's Day. This year I have two Valentines. My friends are great. Thanks for the sympathy, guys.
I saw Girl, Interrupted after setting up a few curtains in my room. I cried when Susanna told Lisa that she's dead already and no one would care if she died. magnetic eyes now empty. Good stuff. Oh, and by curtains I mean scraps of laced and shiny material. It looks rather pretty. Whatever works, right?
I got a phone call this morning that left me feeling rather silly. And I've come to the conclusion that the boys that make you feel silly are the ones you have to worry about. I'm waiting for disaster. Bring out the torches. Burn, baby, burn. And here I was thinking I was heading for a full recovery.
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| it's been a while |
[26 Jan 2006|09:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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flirty |
] |
| [ |
music |
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humming of the computer |
] |
My internet connection has been down at home so I have to resort to the shitty public computers at UTPA. I received a phone call the other night that has left me smiling all week. Yes, I know it's rather pathetic. But I can't help it. How can I resist a drunk boy who tries calling 4 1 1 to get my number while listening to one of my favorite Skinny Puppy songs? Maybe I've just gone too soft. I hate using public computers. Maybe I'm just being too paranoid. Paranoid Android. There's a man in a large trench coat who keeps glancing at my direction whenever I sigh. He'd be attractive if he washed his hair and smiled every once in a while. He has a serial killer allure. I would totally kiss him. Oh there he looks again.
♥ Moving on.
Trying to find the right place in Portland at the moment is my current annoyance. I suppose on campus housing wouldn't be too shabby. I'll build my furniture out of mud and clay. I'll live in a sand castle.
Today's rehearsal was productive. More blocking. More giggling. More concentration. Yadda. Yadda. Another rehearsal tomorrow and then it's the weekend. Where have you been all my life?
Tomorrow's another day. I'll make this one count.
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