I had the nicest night last night and the funny thing is, I didn't really do anything. Tash's was strict on ID so after pubbing and coffee shopping I went on a walk. I was going to the quad, but I was more just liking the walking. But that gave me- purpose, I suppose? I walked from sloane square to victoria. Then I got a bus because I didn't know the way. Then I walked from trafalgar square to charingcross to temple. To embankment and over the jubilee bridge. I love the bridge. I love any bridge. I walked to waterloo and to elephant and castle. I walked through a building site. I walked and walked along the river, until it was three oclock and my common sense and bladder told me that london by night is no place for a seventeen year old girl to be wandering around alone. So I got a taxi and wasted another 7 pounds. ahaTYPICAL. Me and the taxi driver had one of those conversations where you talk about everything& nothing. And then we ran out of everythings& nothings to talk about, so just sat the rest of the way in silence. It was nice though. I was walking for 2 and a half hours. The bottom of my heel came off. I love london at night. I saw a group of people who had a hundred balloons between them. Literally. I saw people on first dates and last dates. I saw young people and old people. And for the first time, I felt completely safe. Even when people made comments, or would walk along trying to talk to me, I felt fine. I made friends with a boy on the bus. He complimented me on my taste in chewing gum. That was how we made friends, he was on pills and asked me if I had anything he could chew. I love how London is so lit up at night. I will always come back here, I know it. I've never done that, gone for a walk on my own. Normally I get bored. Normally I feel like there's so much else I should be doing. But, I wasn't really thinking about anything. It wasn't as though I was walking, and clearing my head. Sorting everything out in my mind. I wasn't thinking about anything at all. I was just counting my footsteps. I walked past a place at the end of the bridge, and it's like a little wall. And when I was walking past, it started making all these noises. There was a market noise, and children laughing, and shouting and chanting. I didn't understand what it was. But it's a project about your local community. I wanted to stop and figure it out. But I couldn't understand still. I don't know. Also, I had such a sober weekend. It was weird. I felt weird.
Sometimes I find there are certain people, certain things, that manage to bring back all the insecurities from 4 years ago. Or, help them to resurface at least.
Do you ever superglue something together and then it gets to that stage when it is so nearly dry, but the smallest thing, the smallest thing could make it fall apart completely- All over again? And that is even worse, in a way, because it was so nearly fixed. So nearly, but it means you have to start over. Sometimes, that is how I feel. Sometimes, I feel like I'm cushioned in bubble wrap. All around me. And it's like having protection, but without being fully protected. You know? I don't really know. I feel very confused at the moment. I keep thinking about leaving school. When I think about that, I think how much I am going to miss it. All the faces. I'm scared of leaving school. And not having that routine. It's a bit like a safety zone I guess. But then I'm there, and I hate it.
Everyone is turning 18. I love the 18ths. But soon, they are all going to be going out, and us underagers will have to stick together. To the places which aren't strict on ID. I shouldn't think I want to grow up very much. I like being 17. I want to skip 18 and go straight to 19. I want to skip 20 and go straight to 21. And then I want to go back to 17 all over again. That would be nice.
PostSecret exhibit @ Foyles Gallery, Charing Cross Road, London. November 20th- December 2nd.
Holly bought Sarah a fish for her birthay. It was little and black and very sweet. Sarah went out and bought another one because she said it looked lonely. Today Sarah got home. And her first little fish was lying in the tank with a big chunk of itself missing. The second fish had tried to eat it. That is sad but OH SO FUNNY. In a very sad way. RIP ESRA. She called them Holly and Esra. Holly ate Esra. Oh dear.!.
I liked writing the ten statements. I liked reading other peoples. I liked the feeling the looveness of it all. And I liked the release of the rest too. I liked seeing the things that other people thought it was important to say, The things which I don't think some people had ever said out loud before.
I don't want this weekend to ever end. I think fireworks are my favourite thing in the whole entire world. They are how I imagine magic to look. The other day, I don't remember who, but someone was telling us about their friend. She wants to have her ashes sent up into the sky as a firework. I quite like that idea. If you ignore the blowing up part, it's like people really can become stars when they go to heaven. On the way back from blackheath, we all piled into the back of a white van. I loved it. Being surrounded by all this plastic and foam and wood and jostling about whenever you turned a sharp corner in the road. ( : Every weekend since the beginning of the year, I think I have bumped into at least one old face. It's love. I have also managed, every weekend to lose something that I shouldn't lose. It's annoying.
I am listening to aventura-obsecion. The spanish version. It reminds me of year10 summer. I feel nostalgic today, I think. I am already excited for summer this year. I hope it happens. Not summer, Tenerife&Turkey. They will be my new favourites I think. Tenerife is my favourite already.
Today my mum took me for coffee. I started crying in the middle of cafe nero. I want to be one of those people, who are actually friends with their parents.
I want to be able to tell people the things I tell them when I'm "under the influence", when I'm sober.
I have a headache.
I'm having one of those days weeks, when you have so much getting on top of you, that you just don't know where to begin with it all. I am actually terrified of parents evening this year. I think I might not go. I'd rather just be told about it afterwards. I'm not very good at standing up to teachers. I just nod and say okay. And dig my nails into my hands.
I just painted all twenty of my nails bright red. ( :
I want long hair back!
When I started writing this, I had actually so much to say. But now I don't. I am reading through all the quotes sarah sent me. Together we have so many pages we could make a book. I love them. But some make me sad.
IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO MAKE ME A CD, I WOULD LOVE YOU FOREVER
I have 6 essays left to do for tommorrow Maybe I will try and do 4 I dont know I already did 2 I hate having plans to get your work out of the way and then not doing anything and then forgetting that you had anything to do and then being sleepy and feeling sick and being bored of trying to define abnormality. But I guess it is quite interesting to think about. Like the deviation from social norms thing. It's all about who can decide what is acceptable and what is not. And, whether it really matters or not. Like, being scared of the dark. It's accepted if you are young. But if you were a grown up, people would find it weird. But why? Is it because when you get older, you learn that there isn't a monster under your bed? Because I was never afraid of those things. I just felt lonely in darkness. I didn't like not being able to see what was around me too. Not because I thought there would be something hiding that I couldn't see. But in a way that I just, liked to know. I don't know. Maybe that's just how I'm looking at it now. But I still only like pitch black on certain days. And then, on certain days I like to have some light. I don't like it getting dark early though. It makes me get tired much quicker. And wake up much later. I have gone completely off the point.
But, I wanted to say that I find things interesting, but not when it's work. Like with art also. I love art, but when I think about doing my art for school, I just get a complete blank. It might be the fact that it's something you have to do, not something you choose to do. Like, there are lots of things which I have started doing more, since I stopped being supposed to do them. It might be because, with art anyway, in school it has to be analysed &using art history &you have to have followed a process to get to a certain point. It takes away my favourite parts of art, because it makes it such a formal one//two//three sort of thing.
I don't like it when the clocks change. I always get very confused. My computer time says 230. But I don't know if it changes automatically or not. And I don't know whether it would be 130 or 330. I find it weird that the clocks change. Because, how can you change time? It's seconds that go into minutes that go into hours that go into days that go into weeks that go into years.. that go into forever. So I don't know how they decide to just, delete one of the hours. And then later they want it back again. Where do they go? I know they don't actually go anywhere, because they're not really therre in the first place. But I like to think about it. I think they just invented time changing, so that humans could wake up when it was nearer to becoming light. I probably learnt that in school and am just remembering it now, thinking I've figured it out for myself. I do that sometimes. Especially when I'm sleepy. I'm sleepy right now.
I'm also calm right now. I don't sound like myself. I'm trying to become more 'in tune with myself'. It's my latest life plan for the next couple of weeks. I have had so many angry days and so many crazily happy days this half term. It's nice to just be calm tonight. I should be stressed tonight. But I don't think I have the energy for that.
I like to wonder about what everybody else is doing right now. Who is asleep, who is still awake. And if they are awake, what they are doing. If they are trying to quickly finish a piece of half term homework they never did, or if they are in the kitchen in warm winter pyjamas and slippers, boiling the kettle to make a hot water bottle. Making a cup of bedtime tea. Or if they are sitting at a window sill on the phone. Maybe people are on a playstation, or trying to decide what to wear for school tommorrow. Maybe they are in the garden having a secret cigarette. I have all these different images of what people might be doing, but when I imagine them, I have never met any of the people. Do you think that you can imagine a completely new person by yourself? Or that it's somebody you might have seen on a street or busride, and just not realised that your brain was remembering what they looked like, because you can't even remember them? Or maybe it's features of people you do know, but all mixed up, but then your imagination has fitted them together so that you don't notice. When I get images of people in my head though, I can never actually see their whole face. It's just hair, or a slight glimpse which I can't quite figure out. And it's like in a dream, when you want your mind to carry on dreaming, so that you can know what happens, but because you're thinking about it, the whole thing completely dissappears. I just realised that image and imagination are almost the same word. And you imagine images.
I am talking about things which I'm not even really thinking about.
I think it's time now for me to go to bed.
But I'm writing on here. Because if I go to bed, then it's like I'm completely giving up on the idea of doing my work. But if I'm writing on here, then I'm still awake, and just about to go and do some work. I don't think I will though.
I feel ready to collapse. [Into those arms please]
The start of half term feels like such a long time ago it is taking me ages to remember what I've actually been doing But it's been fun yup the frog the park wales 18ths cornwall fabric eton prezzo etcetc
I feel like so much has changed over just two weeks everything-wise It's making me really like, hmm I wonder how much ELSE will change before the years up. I duno. It's weird. There are the people who I always see who every weekend you just expect to be doing something with &then the people who I never see apart from at a biig thing where absolutely everybody is. But it's been a bit backwards lately. I mean, obviously there are a few people who it's exactly the same. I'm finding it difficult to think properly right this second. Do you ever see someone, and then a while later you suddenly think Imagine if that's the last time I'm going to properly see them when at the time, there's no way it would have even crossed your mind. ? I have that. And then, do you ever find that you suddenly start seeing someone lots and its someone you remember thinking you weren't going to ever see //keep in touch with ? I have a little bit of that too. I'm repeating myself AGAIN.
I'm finding it so difficult to separate what I want and what I just want because I think I'm supposed to in my head. And the same with what I don't. I've said all this before. It's just becoming with more and more different things now. And then, do you ever think that you don't want something and then when it's there you realise you do? Does that mean that you aren't letting yourself want it? Or just that you don't actually want it that much?
God I feel so fucking philosophical.
People are doing fireworks outside my house. I love it. Fireworks make me happy.
I can't decide if I want to stay in london next year or not. I think I do, but just move out anyway. It's only one more year. I'm only basing it on looking at two different places, but still. I'll stay in London then go out of it for whatever happens next. I feel so like I want to just experience so many different things right. now. When we actually have so much time to do everything.
I like having a break. But I hate coming back! Wales was so fun. Even if it was for not very long. I tried to die my hair blonde --twice. But it didn't do anything really. I guess that's a good thing. But I am just SO bored. We played pretend games. It was actually the most, I dont know, innocent? fun I've had in aages. We made up a new drinking game which can I just say isss the best. ! I have been telling so many unexpected people so many unexpected things recently.
Today I looked up from what I was doing to find that it had already gotten dark. I don't like how it gets dark so quickly in winter, and light so slowly. It makes getting up so much harder. But I'm excited about wolly tights&mittens. And hats and knitted scarves. I love those days.
I have a windowsill plant. It makes me happy. I need to buy some fish for in my bedroom. And that dreamcatcher. And what else did I want? Some colourful things to drape everywhere.
This weekend was good. Living on Friday. So funny to see all the different people who came. I saw everyone for about 5seconds each I swear. And so many people were there, &I had absolutely no idea. Thank God for chewing gum. My oh my how much money was spent. Our taxi driver was smoking a joint on the way home. That was jokes. I had a lot of fun. A lot a lot. Despite the less fun parts. It was so freezing at the end. The toilet lady was mean. She was asleep half the night, I'm sure of it.
I have been sleeping so much lately. More than ever in my life. I don't know why I feel so exhausted at the weekends.
And on Saturday-- 80s party. I want to go to lots&lots&lots of dress up parties. They make it that much more fun. My hair is still all back combed. It's such an effort to change though. Frankie says relax.
When I came on, I had so much to say. So many things I wanted to talk about. And now I can't think of any of them. It's like when you get asked a question on the spot, and you know you know the answer but with all the eyes&ears waiting, you can't remember it. c r u n c h t i m e.
I need to figure out what it is that I actually want. &what it is that makes me not want the rest. But doesn't it always happen, that when you start trying to figure it out, that's when you know there's no way that you are going to find the answer. Well, that's what I get. I am so repetitive. I'm just, still trying to figure out the same things. To understand.
I want life to be like laguna beach. or even, the OC. Because, the OC is kind of fucked up, but it still somehow manages to look idyllic. I want to say that I live life for me and for what I want. I think that in a lot of ways, I do. but I think that maybe, what I want is very influenced by other people. I'm not sure. Maybe it's just that I get caught up, So I never get around to doing the things that are in my head. I always right lists in my head. And I imagine storing them in a little room just behind my right ear, so that I don't forget ever. I do forget though. But maybe then, I don't want it all that much.
I need to learn how to avoid procrastination. I always say I'll do things tommorrow, Until tommorrow is yesterday. And then I'm still saying it.
I find that as soon as I start a post, lots and lots of things come to mind. Things that I wasn't planning on saying or thinking. Don't you find sometimes, that writing in a diary of any kind, makes you write more and more and get more and more absorbed in what you are thinking. And you don't even notice until you've run out of thoughts, and then you look back. And it's a bit like, what? I never even know I thought that. But there it is, written by me. Maybe I'm the only one who does that.? But then I guess, I only really make an update, when I am in a needing to vent sort of mood. Which would be why they always end up like this. As opposed to talking about how I feel every day. They are just about how I feel at that moment. The overtired moment at the end of the day, when you are facing the piles of work and having discussions. Right?
Sometimes I think that I want people to ask if I'm okay. But then, when they do, I always wish they hadn't. Because, you know how you can put everything out of your head? For a bit? But then, someone asks if you are okay. And it comes rushing straight back. Like, when you are about to cry, and people ask you what's wrong &you burst into tears. I always end up thinking that I would have been able to not cry If no one had known I was about to. You know?
Things seem to be becoming a lot more serious. I am so, uninterested in a lot of what's going on right now. But I feel like I'm supposed to be.
In some ways, the fact that this year is determining next year and next year we are, going into life, as it would be, has hit me. And scares me. In some ways, it really hasn't dawned on me. I really am just thinking it in the same way that I thought of year11. When nothing really mattered that much, but at the same time you knew it did. I hate expectations. I hate good expectations of you but I also hate bad expectations.
Today I have been getting very confused about things. I've spoken to people who, I havn't had a proper conversation with in a very long time.
I don't have very much to say anymore, to a lot of the people I seem to have the most conversations with. That's okay, because it's a comfortable silence. But it's also not, because it is making me think a lot. I think I am having a nostalgic day today. But, do you ever have the most fun, with the people you don't know too well? The people you say hi to at a party, but don't spend any of the night with. Or speak to any time other than at the parties. &in the toilets. Everybody needs good friends in life, but everybody needs those people too. Because you are safe, that they won't ask you questions. Since they don't know you well enough to. But even if they did, it wouldn't really matter. Since you don't have to see them on a day to day basis. It wouldn't affect your life so much if they suddenly changed their opinion of you. I don't really knwo what I'm saying.
I just put burn cream on my hand. It is stinging like a motherfucker. I took it off. But i put it on again. So now it hurts doubley the amount.
I have written too much today.
Who has facebook? NOT facepic. Facebook. ahaha facepic, I remember thatt.
Somebody just myspace messaged me, saying was it cold when you went to the beach? And that was it. Their profile is set to private. So I have absolutely no idea who they are. Interestingg haha.
If anybody has read to the end of this, congratulations. I will make a picture for you I think. Yes, I'm in that kind of mood. How are you?
I've been making so many post secrets and once I've made them, I really want to give them to someone. But at the same time, I really don't.
I had fun last night. There were so many little things that made me smile. [Plus a big bit of wine] I had the best nights sleep in as long as I can remember. I liked being driven around by emily. I loved the restaurant. It felt like being in a fantasy movie. With all the lights and colours &being all high up. And, don't you find that a compliment means a lot more, when it's from someone relatively random? Not just, a friend making you feel better. You know? I walked into a glass door on my way home. I thought it was open to the street. And I liked shopping on my own. I never buy anything when I'm with people, or not really. I've been spending way too much money on weekdays I have none left for the weekends. And I liked yesterday lunchtime, so really, buying eye drops isn't that random.
On Monday I got taken out to dinner. I felt like a proper spoilt ( :
I am in love with the word Pazzaz. Love it love it.
I find that there's all this good, & then all this bad. But it doesn't balance out.
Too many unecessary 'issues' keep cropping up. At home& at school. At school with friends, and then with the educational side also. I feel like people should just let what happens happen, or, talk less about how people aren't talking, and just start to change it. Do you ever get that? When people keep saying, I hate how we don't talk that much anymore, or how no one goes to lunch together. [All the little things] But then, the next day, nobody really tries to speak more than they are, or dissappears in their little groups at lunchtime, so complaining about it gets quite, pointless. I do it too. but I still find it all very silly. And I hate the teachers trying to talk to you, &be the understanding teacher -without really waiting for any of your answers. Or without giving you a chance to explain why you do what you do. And they keep just, giving me more timetables for at home as well as at school. Which just doesn't work. Or, they give me, Ideas on how to approach homework. But they say, spend half an hour on this, then that, and only do 2 hours or something to get into doing any work at all. But they still expect you to have finished everything by the next day, following that plan. And to have gone to sleep by 1030. Or they told me to start a homework, and if I get too bored, do another homework instead. But if I did that, I don't think it would really work as a reason for having nothing to hand in,, do you? People do that a lot I think --Ask you to explain to them, to be honest, but then never really listen. Or, to the details of any of it. Teachers can just be an example I think. They asked me what time I went to bed. And they asked me why. And then they told me to go to bed a few hours earlier, without any ways of changing the why. Am I making sense? My mum is taking me to a sleep clinic. Haha.
[Everything is turning me into such a bitch]
I have a work ultimatum. And a sleep ultimatum. From my teachers.
I have nothing to wear tommorrow,//saturday.
For once, I am actually quite looking forwards to my art project[s]. I'm doing London life, with all the colourful markets &and all the rainy cobbled alleyways. And then I'm doing emotions, so for once it's not drawing a bowl of apples and a jug, it's taking photos& drawing what comes to my mind. I like oil paints.
What I would love most right now, would be for someone, instead of asking 'how are you?' or, 'hows life?' To look me in the eye, and ask if I was happy.
sometimes I find that drinking makes people happy sometimes you can still see all these horrble emotions behind the alcohol the sadness that they are drinking away and that makes me sad. I hate seeing people who are old& lonely. I hate people being extra "jolly", to make up for the everyone else. I hate seeing someone trying to figure it out, not understanding, but understanding enough to know that it's not quite right.
I have so many thoughts right this second but they are too jumbled up to put into an order or sort out enough to write them down or think about them properly. Do you really think about thoughts? does that work?
Since my brother went to uni I have been sleeping in his room a lot. It's weird because we don't get on, but I still find it comforting.
Do you ever wonder if dreams still exist after you've forgotten them. I can never remember my dreams when I wake up, but I like to think that they might still be out there somewhere, floating around in the sky or something. Imagine how pretty it would be if you could see everyones dreams making the sky pink&blu&green&yellow. All swirly and smokey and magical. I would like that.
at dinner today, my uncle got out a magnifying glass to read the menu. And then he started having a kungfu fight in the street with my brother, they both nearly fell over.
Do you ever find that you don't feel like you can still feel something after the day? Like, everyone will understand then but the tommorrow, it will just seem, sort of random. Or, it doesn't quite fit anymore. I don't really know how to explain. I want to be able to tell those things, any day of the year.
I really wish I knew how to take photos. Not the sort of photos which would fit into an album, or a memory box, not the snapshot photos. The photograph photos. The kind that would fit into a port folio, or blown up on the wall of a nouveau cuisine restaurant. Like, a vogue photo shoot. Or a streets of london exhibition. You know what I mean.