You think you'd learn by now. There isn't anything here left for me to learn other than the fact that I definitely deserve someone better than you. It wasn't that you weren't ever good enough. You were who I wanted to be with and I loved you regardless of what all needed to be worked on. I noticed something. I lost faith in our relationship too, but the HUGE difference between you and I is I hadn't lost my faith in you yet. And because of that, I was attempting to work things out in ANY way possible other than completely ignoring each other. Because let's face it. While that might be an "easy" way to get over someone, it's not ideal.
I don't want to have to pretend like you don't exist. But I have to.
I don't want to admit to myself that I'm in love with you and that it's not enough. But I have to.
The learning here that has to be done, and why I keep asking myself "why?", is with you. I don't understand why you do what you do, knowing full well how I'm going to react. I'm just as predictable as you are. I don't get if you believe the way you act is a sign of strength for you, or if it's a point you're trying to prove, but you do the same thing to me over and over and over again. And yes, I play your game. You play me like a fiddle Hunter. And it's not because you're a master at what you do, it's because I let you. It's because I have faith in you, that things would've gone differently each time. And each time, they never did. And yet, I kept faith. Where does it come from? I have no idea.
It's the same old song and dance. We talk on the the phone. You claim I'm trying to fight you. I'm crying telling you that I'm not. Admit it, sometimes you just say it because you don't want to be on the phone with me, not because I'm actually doing anything wrong. You hang up on me. I find that to be a huge smack in the face and so I show up. You threaten the cops constantly through your friends. You even took it as a challenge when I was standing there on the porch waiting for you to come back. You took it as a challenge when I said I was standing there seeing that no one was up and waiting for you to get back. Instead of just backing down and saying "You know what, you're right, threatening you for no reason at all is ridiculous and we should just talk about things", you hop on the phone and tell them to go ahead and call the cops. Tell me where in your head that registers as you actually caring about me? You're allowed to be fed up, you're allowed to feel anger. You're not allowed to try and tell me that you care about me and will always be there for me when you make decisions like that one.
I'm willing to bet if you didn't have people to hide behind, you wouldn't be such a coward. I'm willing to bet if you lived on your own, you'd handle the situations we put ourselves in like a grown adult and talk about them.
Hunter. I hate to tell you like I've told all the rest. God knows you're stubborn enough to read this, know it's true, and then never let me know otherwise when you come upon what I'm about to tell you. But yes, you will regret it like all the rest. I'm not saying this in a threatening manner in any way. I'm telling you this because if there is anything I know well, it's my history.
Yes, I'm an angry girl.
Yes, I am a lot ot handle when you fuck up
But also yes, I'm the one you regret losing.
"I don't want to admit to myself that I'm in love with you and that it's not enough" This is my new regimen. Repeat. Three times daily. :/ Take more when needed. Consult a friend when dosage seems to not be working.
It doesn't speak highly of either of us that it has to come to this.
The sad thing is. I want to go back to our original agreement. I want us to be able to talk, and talk only.
Just every once in a while on the phone, to see how each other is doing.
That was working. Then you had to go and want to see me again, and I had to go and follow my heart instead of my head again.
Current Mood: 
gloomy
infuriated
energetic
chipper
cold