i am facing one of the biggest changes i'll ever have to face. graduating. something i'm unprepared and unwilling to do. something that affects my life monumentally. now, there's an entirely new "change" to throw in as well. the love of my life, my fucking soulmate & roommate & partner in crime, doesn't love me anymore. how am i supposed to handle these two simultaneously? at least with graduation, it was inevitable. you start out here knowing full well that the adventure will end in four years. that is not what our relationship was; there was no set "end" point. yes, i wanted to take time to be "independent." but my independence was at least somewhat justified, because it related back to the first change: graduating. last few months with my friends, to be young and crazy. so, while it was rather selfish, i never once expected any of this to happen as a result. i still loved doug, i just wanted time away from him for a little awhile. his reason for independence only confuses me. because there doesn't appear to be an actual reason for it, other than being tired of me and not wanting me anymore after three years.
now, let's make this terrible situation even worse: i am not a priority in anyone's lives. not even my own parents. up until a few weeks ago, my sister's communion was scheduled for the same day as my graduation. and my parents chose to attend her event over mine, because "i am older and can understand their absence better." i may be thirteen years older than her, and you should assume from that that i would be more mature as well, but no. it doesn't make it hurt any less and it doesn't make me understand any better. (luckily, the date of her communion has been changed, but i still haven't really forgiven them for their choice.) plus, my friends all have relationships of their own, and school, work, sports, and countless other responsibilites. no one has time for me anymore.
i used to be the biggest priority in doug's life. when i was sad, he was sad - and he'd do anything to change my mood. now if i'm sad, he turns his back to me. he used to make me feel incredible. now he makes me feel like i'm invisible. i can't stop hurting. i feel as if there is a switch inside him somewhere that has been flipped off. that causes him to want virtually nothing to do with me. why isn't there anything i can do to flip that switch back on?