Jenn's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Jenn [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[06 Oct 2005|12:30pm] My favorite Aunt was side swiped by a semi and rolled her car four times this morning. I'm not confident on the details, but she spun out of control and into the median. She's all broken and in critical condition. I listened to the X96 traffic report on the way to work about the freeway closed [yes, the traffic lady even emphasized the severity of the word like that] out by Lagoon due to a bad accident, and I was drinking my coffee thinking "Damn, that really sucks. I feel so bad" never imagining they were talking and I was feeling for her, my little Aunt DeAnne. The Aunt whose laugh makes you laugh even harder, my aunt that has called me Jenny my entire life and has sun sensitive skin like me and discusses feminism over Thanksgiving dinner and makes fun of my shoes and still sends me birthday cards (the last one inclusive with a button that said "It's my birthday, wanna spank me?). I was re reading it last night and thought I should call her to thank her for her thoughtfulness, but procrastinated. Eh, I feel so sick. This world is so violent. God damnit.

[Ripping off Chelsea's latest post of lyrical perfection] [06 Oct 2005|09:15am] when you try your best, but you don't succeed when you get what you want, but not what you need when you feel so tired, but you can't sleep stuck in reverse when the tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you can't replace when you love someone, but it goes to waste could it be worse? lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you high up above or down below when you're too in love to let it go if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you --Coldplay This journal is as good as gone. Thank you very much for reading along and, to some, participating in the life and heart of girlsdontcry_ Writing in here, face to face with this space now, feels like, as I vaguely (and most likely in error) recall Sylvia Plath writing something like slipping a crisp clean letter into a soiled envelope. If you are interested in coming with me, I'll be creating a new one soon. Soon. 11|?!

Cause you are a fool either way. [29 Sep 2005|02:15pm] [ mood | buzzed ] [ music | tom petty : you don't know how it feels to be me ] I can honestly tell you right now, I'm not following my heart along the lines I so loyally traversed in the past. I'm ignoring what my heart wont let up about. I'm following my logic, and I have no shame or regret in doing so, only the popular comfort of self-preservation that all the people I've resented swear to. It feels better this way. Don't knock it till you try it. I could listen to Tom Petty on the jukebox for hours. (And I just did.) Sometimes it feels like Cody is the only one that understands. Or at least sits with me and hugs around my shoulder blades as we laugh about it all in each others ears. I suppose thats why we are soul mate best friends. And turn the radio loud, I’m too alone to be proud You don’t know how it feels You don’t know how it feels to be me People come, people go Some grow young, some grow cold I woke up in between A memory and a dream Or maybe it's not my heart that I'm not following, but something else. Something dangerous. Something I'm glad has faded into obscurity. 2|?!

Well theres two ways to say this, and one would be fuck you. [27 Sep 2005|02:06pm] I think I have some suppressed anger that boils over in the little things I say and do. I wonder if people sense it (and if it's why they go away.) 6|?!

"Yeah dude we're like legos that never quite fit". [26 Sep 2005|03:17pm] A granola looking thirty something from upstate New York asked me the other night to come home with him after I sat on the couch tiredly strumming the strings of someone's lone guitar and discussing the stuff of life at a party. I gave my most polite, convincing nod then went and hid in your room until he got tired of waiting on the porch for me and left. So mature of me. I think it troubled me more that when you came to rescue me in our secret hiding place, the butterflies stayed sleeping. When I got up to say goodnight and you begged me to stay, I only stayed to respect your wish. And when you kissed me hard after our flirting asked for it, I pulled away and smiled at the floor not because I was enticed, but because it felt funny. I felt a tinge of jealousy when I saw you with the other pretty girl that was wearing my usual look of lust and confusion and I overheard you use the words on her that we never did on each other [though they sat reserved in your name for awhile]. But I'm thinking I love you more now than ever in all those alternative ways I never fathomed would creep up on us. Sometimes love enriches when the red fades. I can't be the "hardcore dick" in this thing any more with this softer framework in place. ?!

[25 Sep 2005|11:54pm] Me: Cody and I are going to the mountains today. Mom: Mou'uns?! Me: Hahaha...yeah...by Brighton. Mom: Brigh'un?! Me: Haha, don't pretend like you're not from Utah. 2|?!

[25 Sep 2005|09:09pm] Last night Cody and I drank a pitcher of beer each at Cheers to You and when I got up to use the bathroom I overheard a middle aged women dressed in pink cry “I’m tired of being strong!” so I said yeah sista [it really is a nice way to keep it real. Preaching in a bar] and I sang along to a stifled jukebox Sublime song by myself in the bathroom stall thinking about how remarkably timeless it is but how heartbreaking that a dead guy is singing things like “Well, life is too short, so love the one you got”. [And I do.] We went to the strip club later where I promptly and mysteriously careened to some shady bearings. Zion strippers are too flawless to fascinate me I think. Cody and I got in a hideous drunk argument. Today we smoothed life back out, finally finding the expressions to comprehend ourselves with. We chugged up to the mountains to take our own little piece of nature back home with us and my heart bounced when I saw a leather biker dude on the side of the road holding a black camera up to his eye aiming at the seduction of summer’s death. My moods only know the edges right now. I’ve never known such black and white. [But when things are temperate, I’m so impractically euphoric just holding my best friend’s hand in the front pocket of my hoodie and watching the ducks quiver and preen their feathers at the pond.] (These babies is what I tiptoed away from the canyon with today.) Life kind of fucking rules right now. There are many things still left out unsaid and unsatisfied, but I think that may be the rule to it all; in believing in the objective and possibility lingering patiently in those empty, unsealed spaces. Thank you: everything that had to happen that I bit down on and bore through for eventually leading me to the garden of another adventure at making this whatever it is become what it meant to. By any means. 2|?!

Yeah. This is all i thought about. And you. I'd like to change my face. [25 Sep 2005|02:12am] look at your face when all I could see was myself looking back at me reflection and all I could do was think about sleeping next to you [...] let’s have a confrontation over a cold one I’ll give you conversation just to see if you can hold ‘em I play so dumb because I know some of these star-struck small talk art fucks is no fun I’m the blood type that goes straight for the guns Like before you even smoke, already knew what your loves like So what you thinking? because I’m thinking we should jump into your ocean Let’s go girl, this ship is sinking [...] Now there’s no reason to lie, I’ve had a lot of lovers in my reality it’s impossible to avoid it but there’s one reason for life gotta provide some supper gonna build a family just to watch someone destroy it do you really think you wanna get to know me better? Don’t you see the drama? Don’t you feel the pressure? Don’t get me wrong, it would be my pleasure, To sing a song that could remove your shoes and your sweater Bartender, let me get a shot a beam Cause this girl over here is trying to get me out my jeans and she doesn’t seem to believe I’m just another thief came to take a piece and make you studder when you breathe now girl, you’re too smart to be a tour mark set the play correct from the start with your pure heart and when you’re all alone, I’ll sing into your phone if you don’t know the words you can make up your own The first time she met the devil was at first avenue went backstage with him into the dressing room sexy ego trip, taller than expected about six foot three, seemed to thrive on his misery critical, observant, big words sweaty hair, sunken eyes and thick curves she said, “I’ll make him smile for the simple fact that he needs it. I’ll make him smile just so I can kill it, and eat it.” You look like you were built for me You talk like you wanna steal my drink You kiss like you already came And that’s a lifter puller line for those without any game It’s like damn baby, you know you can’t save me But you should still tell your people that you’re leaving with the band, maybe You could show me your house, so neither one us would be so lonely If only you would come over here and hold me I caught you trying to hide your smile behind your glass But all of your secrets become a swing set when you laugh And all of your regrets that you’re carrying and burrying Don’t mean a damn thing if there’s nobody to share them with We been following each each other all night now we oughta be all over each other like right now I don't like crowds, lets take flight now Cause that face that you make reminds me of my life now look at your face when all I could see was myself looking back at me reflection and all I could do was think about sleeping next to you I’m only trying to find myself inside her 3|?!

[23 Sep 2005|01:45pm] To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior. I guess this is the best clarification Google could muster. I had this haunting dream last night that swarms of spiders were reproducing within a concentrated region underneath my skin then crawling and tumbling out from the underside of my short-shorts in tingling sensations. I attempted to ignore and restrain the surface of my panic and distress while brushing them off my bare legs onto the sidewalk as the people around me considered the scene with blasé and ridiculing eyes. Now I recall vividly not referring to, what clearly were spiders, as spiders at the time, but "wimen". Fucking so weird. 2|?!

Exposing all the stuff I'm just not calculating enough to hide. [22 Sep 2005|11:59pm] [ mood | whatever this is ] [ music | my puppy whining and chewing his plastic hot dog ] 1 Martini, 4 Beers, and 3 months later I'm restlessly watching hopeful egos on stage bellyache over the daily dues they've waged along the aesthetics of a skeletal girl clad in a guitar & fifteen minutes of neon light and makeup while I lean back in a bar stool at the rear of an eleventh hour bar encircled by boys that give me that look and tell me I shouldn't smoke and ask me why I'm suddenly so sad and quiet [and still thinking of her.] Hi my name is Jenn or Jennifer, I never can settle on which. And I'm an alcoholic. I couldn't really explain why, but I know part of it is maybe cause it draws me in closer to the matter of my own heart, even if it is those swollen parts that just remind me of a wish for belonging to the things I never could quite come home to. 1|?!

[21 Sep 2005|04:06pm] I like my job. I like it when people tell me I made their day in a sincere way. I like it when old men with glossy green eyes that smile at mine say "God bless you Jennifer", even after I make them pay me three hundred thirty nine dollars for something that I personally see as a rip off. I like that my signature can save the ass of something that got fucked up. I like it when I am smiling and laughing about things that have nothing to do with my personal life. I like walking around the office in heels like I'm on a mission. I like proving on a daily basis that a woman can put an arrogant suit in his place or show him the door. I like that I can lean back in my spinny wheeled chair and quote prices and amaze people at the math whiz I am when really I just have everything memorized from repeating it too much. I like that job security feels like something of nature. I like that I have my own office with a backdrop of real mountains. I like that I just referred to myself as a woman. Kind of. I should be one of those model employees on a commercial equipped with her little telephonic head set and big flashy toothy grin. The job itself has no meaning to me, but on some days [like this], it sort of insinuates me one. I'm a good girl. My happiness is so effortless right now and I think it's cause Autumn finally came around. [I've been kept waiting.] 4|?!

I know I know you well well better than I used to. [21 Sep 2005|01:35pm] Parked in my poor-postured way at a puny table on a trendy coffee shop catwalk, cigarette smoke smoothly straying from our finger tips, some kids stopped to talk and inform my appearance of reminding them of their debate teacher [that the students used to stay after school to “practice” with ha ha wink wink.] We swapped our personal touch in patented looks-of-confusion and I laughed in gratitude of the snowflakes that will never land on my tongue, but still swirl their own spell around me, allowing the greater scheme of things to keep her good name. I think now I'm finally seeing that I'm exactly where I need to be just in time to be there. 1|?!

Secret [19 Sep 2005|01:08pm] I find Donald Trump incredibly endearing. or Maybe I should title this 'Question' Why the fuck do I find Donald Trump so incredibly endearing? 8|?!

No such thing is casual. [19 Sep 2005|10:13am] You think you're not worthy I'd have to say I agree. I'm not worthy of you, You're not worthy of me. (But I keep turning around I keep coming back) For the flush of predicaments your mouth impresses on mine and a gaze that longs to amend why our hearts could never rhyme somewhere in between the intricacies of my nervous laugh and your anxious hands. ?!

I had a birth day, you know. [14 Sep 2005|07:43pm] Sometimes life tricks you into learning the answer just when you get ballsy enough to say out loud the sentiment- “I don’t know what I’d ever do without you…” Friends that are golden don’t break easily. And while that (painfully honest) truth rules out many that I wanted to swim in so bad, it simultaneously reunites me with home [again]. This is who I am. I don't know who I've been being, and I don't care cause I think I left her back on the bus or something. Because, on an enlightening shroom trip [how cliché yeah], I suddenly knew that my indulgent life is stunting my growth combating and repressing the best of me while flaunting the worst. [Does it count for anything that it’s been 100% shameless though?] I have failed the word I tattooed on my own body over a year ago when everything was different. So assigning myself sobriety goals feels like running up a mountain in stilettos, but it would be a dishonorable deception to myself to give into the empty mayhem (just one last time)and leave my superhero potential un-actualized. Because the actuality of dying any given day is one of the very few things I've ever seen live up to its word. Because there comes a time where simplicity is willing to make sense again and details the solution to your problem: detach your heart from the things that do it harm. And, residually, self respect is a more gratifying feeling than ever being your whore again. [Imagine what loneliness will drive someone to do…] Its true- I know my little memory, the funny thing, is too sentimental for her own good; tampering with the passed mediocre moments, amplifying them to the stuff that channels creation, desire thats just all wrong, and handing over an undeserving higher rank to the nothings that I like to entertain as godatleast something. My mind is on a constant revolution, but I feel it through everything when I know I’ve made it up. The feeling is described like, I know when I’m just talking/musing, but I can't even talk right now cause I can only do and be and go and see and cradle it (safely inside). Free from bitterness, resentment, anger, grudges, or requests for anything that doesn't already lie within me. Naked people don’t even look naked to me anymore. And yeah, ever since you've mentioned it I guess I do say 'sometimes' a lot. It's a very accountable word. 20|?!

[13 Sep 2005|04:24pm] Step 1: go to google Step 2: type in failure Step 3: look at the first hit repost so everyone can see 2|?!

[12 Sep 2005|07:06pm] [ mood | let it be. ] 8|?!

Ew [02 Sep 2005|06:55pm] The difference between you and me is I have nothing [left] to prove. He told me I obviously didn't know my worth if I was talking like that I assured him I did, I really did. I just don't know how to spend it anymore. ?!

gonna twinkle gonna twinkle [29 Aug 2005|11:52am] Why I love astrology- Who did you start out to be, Virgo? It's time to remember that. I urge you to muse about the ways you could benefit from renewing a connection to your origins. Revisit your earliest sources of truth. Think about whether you're still on track to become the person you knew you could be when your vision was still fresh and innocent. Here's a good way to anchor your explorations in concrete reality: Meditate on the scientifically verified fact that with each breath, you re-inhale at least one molecule you first took in during the minutes after you were born. Novel intuitions are erupting from your smart heart, awakening you from any trance you've been ensnared in. You're breaking and escaping obstructions that have suppressed your brilliance. Your soul's code is unleashing itself, revealing in explosive precision why you're a miraculous work of art, proving with intricate artistry why you're a masterpiece unlike any other ever created in the history of the world. 1|?!

[28 Aug 2005|10:31pm] [ mood | . ] I went over to her new townhouse out in buttfucking egypt. She admitted to me her engagement ring and the big news. I silently pleaded with the tears welling in my eyes to stay put and congratulated her on achieving the very pretty beam in her smile. [Sincerely.] We exchanged a long, steady look before I averted back to the ground remembering when she used to fight for me and she got up to go to the bathroom. She fed me two martinis [I sipped slowly and she gulped hers] and showed me her cool new sex toys and her migrating nipple ring and her new puppy and we laughed but I wanted to be dead. The hours passed like minutes, we were beyond losing track. We held each other but not for long. The ring is pretty if you like that sort of thing. It has sapphire, my birthstone, in it. It’s funny how careless I get with myself when I’m faced with the labor of caring (which always carries over to caring too much about things I have no control over.) I told her I missed her and she said nothing. I walked away as her and cj stood in the driveway and shouted polite parting formalities at my back and I sat in my car giving my best shot at keeping it together. Even when you know better it doesn't make it any easier. This year hurts. I think I'm gonna go throw up now and then watch Family Guy. I'm externally stoned and speechless and I just...gah...simply put I just feel acutely alone and unwanted. Which in turn makes me feel stupid and selfish. I think my system is in shock. I knew it was coming, but the foreboding of it is so less stern than the official presentation of it and the actualized consequences thereafter. I am happy for her, I am. I know she believes it when I tell her. I fucking rejoiced for her with tears in my eyes. I know she avoids the acknowledgment of my hurting too. I guess it doesn't really matter when you think about it. I feel like I have no where to call home. But I'm still aware of the love I am worthy of [and can give] and it should be better in the morning or maybe in a few days when I have more to work with. Until then I'll just lay here and stare blankly at this vapid glow until my sleeping pills kick in. So seldomly do I ever desire to cease thinking and cease feeling. But tonight I could gladly do without. Pain is only constructive if you have a backup soother. 3|?!

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