Because the real news just isn't fun.

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 00:32:52 GMT

May 23, 2005 WASHINGTON, DC (AP) _ Congress approved
sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the
competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful
role for themselves in society," said Kerry, a longtime AWNA supporter.

"This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer
stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing", said Kerry.

President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.

Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills
, making this agency the single largest US employer of
Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%)

President Kerry has also set an example, personally
selecting hundreds of Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet_level jobs.

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25
million "middle man" positions will be created, with
important sounding titles but little real responsibility,
thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non_performance_based raises and promotions will
be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it
more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"

"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills.

"This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

THIS IS A REALLY LONG ENTRY. HELL, EVEN THE SUBJECT IS LONG.

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 03:16:58 GMT

Before I get this entry off to a kick I'd like to take a moment of silence to respect the death of blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughn. He died 3652 days ago and I think it's appropriate that the world remembers the great contributions he brought to the world of blues. Even though black musicians may have created the blues, ya gotta admit, white people sure helped. And not just Stevie if ya know what I mean. And you should if you have anything over a 4th grade reading level. Perhaps Livejournal is the wrong medium for these high-brow zingers.

Anyways the past few nights I've been celebrating my birthday so I drove to the city. While on the highway I passed a Toyota hybrid car and on the bumper there's a sticker that says, "What Would Jesus Drive?"

Well that got me thinking. Jesus, an uneducated, non-English speaking Arab, what would he drive? Probably a fucking taxi cab. But seriously, I really hope that Save The Whales! Toyota driver gets impaled by whale wenis.

And speaking of the Arabs, I saw in the paper that some human rights group was complaining about the cells in Guantanamo Bay being "inhumane", citing that the cells are 8X8 and in porous condition.

But yet you pass through the streets in New York City and the apartments are 8X8 and going for $2400 a month. Sounds to me like the Arabs simply beat the system and these liberal pussies are throwing a hissy fit.

Now usually around birthday time as a little kid I'd be up to my neck in cards and money from various relatives I hadn't even known I had. The cards are usually really cheesy and have a little inscription inside that says something like, "Don't die yet...Aunt Gretchen" My personal favorite of the birthday lot is the one really rich set of relatives who give you a shitty card, $10, and a replica vintage miniature Campbell's Tomato Soup Truck.

So I would have to write a thank you note and I'd write a sweet little anecdote along the lines of, "Thanks so much for the card and gifts Uncle Jack but next time if you really want just ask, I can buy the stamp for you, I know they're getting pretty pricey. Well take care!"

After a few years of not getting anything from Uncle Jack I came to learn a very important lesson; 10 bucks is still better than zero bucks.

AND THAT DOES IT FOR THE BIRTHDAY STUFF.

Movie Review: Alien vs. Predator

So let me introduce you to the premise of the movie. There's aliens and there's predators. A long time ago the Predators came to Earth similar how we go to rest stops on the highway. Well they realized that this place kicked major ass and then they made us worship them and they taught us a ton of shit. So their arch-rivals are these sea serpents called the Aliens. And it's some big territorial battle like when your dog has to pee on the spot the neighbors dog peed on. Except these creatures have weapons, whereas you probably just have an unneutered dog, dangerous nonetheless.

Alien Vs. Predator.

Alien: A combination of

Seaman and an abortion.

Predator, a combination of Ricky Williams and a Crab.

So they're fighting forever and the Predators decide to blow up the whole planet except for the home base, in a remote part of Antarctica. Here's where red flags come up. Even fucking penguins know Antarctica blows, they try to leave but they're birds that can't fly so they're basically waddling flavor ice sticks.

Fast Forward.

Black lady climbs icy mountain. I'm sorry, let me correct myself. HOT BLACK LADY CLIMBING ICY MOUNTAIN.

What did I tell you about the realism?

Anyways some science jewsche (douche) gets reading that theres something in Antartica. Black bitch goes. They all get there and they get stuck in the middle of the war. Then the black chick is the only one of the group to survive because she became fuck buddies with the RickyCrab. I swear her and the crab thing fucked. And then they blew up all the aliens except for the one which hatched on the Predator ship...That's it.

5/5 stars for Vivica A. Fox fucking a crab/Ricky Williams hybrid.

Anyways if Arnold were in this movie like the original it would kick much more ass. Here's why:

California has a huge deficit problem, it's so bad Arnold needs to do something so kickass that nobody would even remember what Gary Condit did (Don't correct me, I know exactly what I'm talking about, assholes).

So he would naturally do what the TV stations are doing. Why? Because they make money. He knows that the aliens just got defeated by the Predators which means they have no jobs, pay no taxes, start crime waves and are overall unproductive, lazy bums.

Arnold then reasons that hey, the Mexicans have no jobs, pay no taxes, start crime waves and are overall unproductive, lazy bums.

Arnold then has the two species square off in a series of challenges to see which one will win a greencard, citizenship and a weekend pass to Magic Mountain.

It's televised, people watch it, the ratings go up, California is once again, the Golden State.

And all who bitch are promptly told, "Shutup, you are a girly man!"

Well that's all I've got, thanks for reading.

And also, wish me a happy birthday.

You're not Dreaming

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 15:55:24 GMT

Sources close to me have provided insider information that yet another Freddy Krueger movie will be appearing in theaters within the next 3 months, marking the 70th edition in as many years. These sources have revealed that this edition will be entirely different than the previous incarnations due to a splash of new character development. And by character development, I mean a more diversified cast. It has been said that the actor to be playing Freddy will be none other than Seal, accomplished burn victim/musician. This addition of Seal was inacted in order to broaden the movie's demographic. As you may have gathered, horror movies greatly reduce widespread appeal due to the lack of realism associated with their plots. By adding a horribly scarred black man, the company expects to frighten more suburban white boys, while also appealing to the African American community, akin to the horror flicks "Barbershop 1 & 2" and "Radio". The end result--cash money yall. Here is what to expect to see in the movie:

Expect cameo appearances to be made by Wayne Brady and Christopher Reeve. Additionally, Corporate sponsors may include cosmetics giants LofoReal and Covergrrl. There will be much more to come on this story in the next coming months. Stay tuned.

-Jim Kleimann reporting live for Boozeweek

You got Lesko'd

Sun, 08 Aug 2004 02:37:37 GMT

I, like far too many of the American public, made the mistake of watching "Catwoman", starring Halle "I'm black only when it's convenient" Berry. While it's great watching her in sexy outfits coughing up hairballs and playing with yarn, the movie had a story line destined for the litter box. But it got me thinking--why don't I make my own superhero movie?

The answer: Because it's a lot of fucking work.

But it took me a while to realize that and so I began brainstorming a cast of characters and a believable plot that would surely transform the genre into a still crappy--but slightly improved cinematic grouping. I should warn you, this is a LOOOOONG movie (entry).

Without further adieu, here is "Rumsfeld". Think along the lines of a comic book Seinfeld.

The movie opens with a blazing start, flashing horrific images of terrorism unforseen since the events of September the 11th.

Off the coast of China, a suicide bomber kills himself, bleeding on parked cars and releasing poison gasses into the atmosphere.

The bacteria and the smell of the exploded whale triggered an outbreak of Sars, causing bandannas to once again be popular with the non-Hispanic population. Indeed, it's a tragic day.

Before long the BBC gets wind of this and publishes the report. A storm of media frenzy shakes the world off its axis. Well not really, but it was hot shit, no doubt.

China accuses the United States government of conspiring with the whale in an effort to send the United States to nuclear war with the Chinese. This is at least predictable since Bush is a "war monger".

In Washington, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld receives the news, expressing a statement amazingly captured with digital photography.

Seconds later the phone rings and on the other end, a high pitch laughter brimming with deceit and malice captures Rumsfeld's ears. It broke the sound barrier and at that very instance Rumsfeld knew who was behind the horrific attacks.

Only someone this maniacal could do such a thing. That man was none other than The Riddler, better known by his street name, "Matthew Lesko". Lesko had been Rumsfeld's former adversary while he was Adam West's stunt double in "Batman". The two had a feud one day when Rumsfeld had asked Lesko to get him a coffee. Furious, Lesko pasted a giant question mark on Rumsfeld's forehead, permanently scarring Rumsfeld, giving him a look that was unquestionably the look of "What the fuck?". The memories shot through Rumsfeld's mind like a 9.

Lesko's plan was so diabolical it frayed the ends of ever-sweet Shirley Temple's hair and the free world too. Yeah, forgot about that. Anyways...

His plan involved framing the United States to perpetrate terror attacks onto their large international business partners, creating such a rift that the other country cut off trade agreements and initiated acts of war. This itself would cripple the economy, plummeting the stock market and creating outrageous inflation. It as at this point that Lesko imagined would be the cherry on top--jump-starting his business of helping Americans cheat the government out of even more money.

But Rumsfeld would have none of it, he immediately consulted the bureaucratic underworld, better known as the Defense Department and created a fighting force to defeat the Question-Crusader.

Additionally, Rumsfeld used his psychic powers

and found some startling revelations regarding The Riddler. That relevation would be broadcast on national television, discouraging Americans from trusting the anti-hero, Lesko. In his speech he told Americans that Lesko had a miniature penis, finally answering the "Question" riddled throughout Lesko's body. Rummy then pleaded with Americans not to trust men with small penises.

Americans seemed to really take to Rumsfeld's speech, wondering why they were doing business with the Asians in the first place. To increase the high spirits the economy made a small gain, giving a bit of hope to the Defense Department. Yet trouble was still looming. Lesko may have been down but he was by now means out. While pondering his next move, Lesko flipped through the television and heard on CNN that former President "Jellybean" Reagan was in dire straits, battling a long bout with Alzheimers and dealing with his horrific wife Nancy. Lesko contacted his ministry of evil, seen here:

and had the devilish duo kill Reagan, hoping to send America into a tailspin, ensuring a Democratic White House in November.

But the plan backfired!

It was the party of the year. The funeral for Reagan was so huge even George Washington made an appearance!

Once again Rumsfeld had used his force field, fending off the desperate attacks of Lesko and his cronies.

The final blow destroyed Lesko and allowed the free world to prosper once again.

Ok maybe not the free world but at least big oil was cool for now.

With Rumsfeld's dedication and defense skills, the Republican Party created an atmosphere of compassionate conservatism, just as they had set out to do 4 years ago.

Rumsfeld rejoiced at the defeat of Lesko and ignited the flow of a boring concert with his coworker Condoleeza Rice.

But the concert created too much of a stir. National security advisor Condoleeza Rice has apologized to CBS for a televised press conference about missing weapons of mass destruction during which Donald Rumsfeld ripped part of her suit and exposed her breast. According to Rice, the original plan was to rip just the administration’s WMD theory and the only boob they expected to expose was the President.

This sets the stage for the elections in November with the Bush administration suffering another setback but still pushing ahead. With Lesko defeated the only thing in Bush's way is enigmatic (enickmatic) Massachusetts Senator John Kerry.

Who will win? Will it be Bush or Kerry? Find out in theaters with "Rumsfeld".</u>

I'd appreciate some movie reviews.

Thanks for reading. And commenting. Seriously, this took far too much time to go unrecognized.

Mission Accomplished!

[Editor's Note: Alternative Ending is availible with DVD; it is entitled "Florida".]

Flock of Seagulls

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 03:06:55 GMT

As many of my loyal fan base have come to realize over time, it's a rarity for myself to discuss what happens in my daily life. This type of entry may suit you typical LJers who have no regard for the enjoyment of others reading your journal, but it irks me in a way to which I can not describe. But every so often something happens to me, something that could only happen to me, and then I feel better about reporting the events to my internet friends. (Long pause) This is one such event.

A few weeks back I was at a friend's house in LBI (Long Beach Island, NJ) and I, like 2,000 other people, was just lounging about the beach. Headphones on, a book in my hands, and sunblock where the sun (sometimes) don't shine, I felt perfectly at peace with the elements. So I'm minding my own business and I feel a wet, sandy substance brush against my shoulders and mayne (or as some of you know it as, hair). At the time I figured it was some asshole kid tossing wet sand until I looked up and hear "Kawww, Kawwww" and see a flock seagulls circling overhead. And I sincerely hope that is the last time anyone utters the term "Flock of sea gulls" ever again.

Assuming many of you have a short attention span I'll paraphrase in bold letters A seagull took a dropping on my head.

Now, after thinking nothing else could possibly go wrong I head back to the house to take a shower. Toward the wooden benches on the beach I take a step and feel this tremendous pain pulsate through my right foot.

I look down and pull out a 3 inch piece of wood from my foot, about half of it still in my skin as I tore it out splinter by splinter.

Now as we know only pussies use neosporin and bandaids. And since I didn't want to be a pussy I consequently fell victim to infection. And as I side note, I was so inspired by this incident I started my own band.

The name: The Band-AIDS.

So I guess there is a happy ending after all.

Now let's head in a new direction:

Here are some common American phrases that grossly mislead the public and need new clarification. I am here to help you derive the true meaning of these overused phrases.

* "The Grass is greener on the other side."

If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe you ought to hire better landscapers, lazy. A lot of people in the world live in mud huts and have never seen grass. Let's face it, in every society there is a hierarchy and there will inevitably be people on the bottom, living hand-to-mouth. So have a little empathy and be happy you have Scott's Turf Builder and not a house made of dung and cabage, you insensitive dolt.

* "You're only as old as you feel."

That's just what the elderly say to feel better about themselves when the government cancels their medicare and they're left alone to spend $8,000 a month in prescription drugs. Let's be frank, you're as old as your birth certificate--unless you're a Latino, in which case you probably play baseball and every year is a leap year.

* "The best things in life are free."

Well so are the worst things, like cancer, public access television and lincoln logs. That doesn't mean I want to stand in line screaming, "Holy shit, look at all this free stuff I just got!"

Next entry I promise won't be this bad, sorry I let all of you down. So why don't you stop criticizing me and get back to writing your entries about what Krissy said to that creepy guy in The Gap. Really, it's enthralling.

Thanks for reading (and probably not commenting).

A real head scratcher

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 02:15:01 GMT

There are some things I will never understand about men and women collectively. Recently I saw a commercial with a relatively common predicament. Two women in the grocery store shopping for tampons. Seen it a million times. From here you can pretty much guess what happens. One woman looks to the other and says, "You're buying those?" and the other woman looks up in shame as if she ran over a disabled child. The saintly woman proceeds to say enthusiastically, "Now these are great tampons, they're comfortable and they'll protect you against any unsightly leaks!" The other woman smiles graciously and in a breathy voice says, "Thank you." and walks off.

Now pause for a moment and think of this situation happening with a two men.

Two men are shopping when one picks up a jock itch cream and motions to toss it in the cart. The other man dashes over and says, "Man, what are you doing??!!"

The man buying the cream looks perplexed, probably wondering why some random guy is giving him the jock itch pep talk. He glances over and says, "What?"

The other man says, "Listen dude, jock itch is a very serious matter and requires serious medicine, not that namby pamby cream you were gonna get." He reaches over, picks out a new jock itch cream and says "Here, try the real stuff. Strong enough for a woman but built for a man."

The first guy looks over, smiles, revealing his obvious hatred for dentistry and hygeiene in general, and pats the guy on the back and cries "Thank you so much, if not for you, my testicles might have developed leprocy or some horrible flaking from the incessant scratching."

Now that we have that out of the way let me reveal why this never happens--IT JUST FUCKING DOESN'T, OKAY??!!

Men have better things to do than discuss their care-down-there. Better things include building birdhouses out of tinfoil and chlorox, watching barbaric sports such as boxing, drinking far too much and peeing on mailboxes and last but certainly not least; inflating their women's egos in the desparate hope of getting some. That is when she doesn't have "a really bad headache."

And between me and you, I don't think this aisle-ogue (get it?) happens between vaginas (or as most like to call them, women) either. They're too busy thinking about the fractions of pennies they could be saving using their coupons.

Excuse me, I need to go food shopping but I'd really appreciate a little feedback on whether this has or will ever happen to anyone on either side of the aisle.

Thanks.

The Sacrifices I make for you People

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 01:46:08 GMT

You're probably surprised to see this username grace your friends page. After all, I haven't updated in about two months. But don't think that because I've neglected you people I don't care. I do, Really. The real reason I have been incognito is due to some unexpected offers in advertising. Before long you may see your friends page littered with entries persuading you to "Elongate your penis!". Or as I've seen recently "Make your Vagina Glow in the Dark!" It's kinda like your own personal nightlight, just slightly more intimate. So I may have made the last one up but it certainly seems plausible.

Like so many things, I've never really made up my mind about advertising. I know there are arguments for and against it, but one thing I'm sure of is that there out to be some sanctuaries, some places we're safe from being advertised at. There ought to be some open space left in the world without any advertising on it, some pieces of paper, some painted surfaces that aren't covered with entreaties for us to buy something. Reproductive organs would be a good start. Hell, I bet even the thoroughbreds in Lexington are gonna have giant Tide target logos on their asses by the end of the year.

Similarly, advertising doesn't belong on license plates. Of the fifty states (Iraq and Puerto Rico may hold out for 51 and 52), twenty-seven of them have slogans trying to sell themselves to the rest of us. If the state has any redeeming qualities, they should sell themselves, not via advertising.

For instance, Rhode Island says it's the "Ocean State".

There are 15 states with more ocean that Rhode Island has. If they want to say something on teir plate why don't they explain why they call R.I. an island when it isn't one?

Florida calls itself the "Sunshine State".

On a whole that seems pretty factual, with it being in the Caribbean and all, but Miami has one of the highest annual amounts of rainfall out of any US city, only eclipsed by Seattle, Washington. Maybe they should stick to something like "Florida: More Cubans Here than in Cuba!"

North Carolina says it's "First in Freedom", which makes me wonder, who do they think is second in freedom? I bet it's Alabama. At least somebody recently had the brains to change it to "First in Flight".

Arkansas had the nerve to proclaim their state as "The Land of Opportunity".

The opportunity to do what--brand farm animals while driving across dirt roads in a Ford F-150 with your cousin (Daisy) giving you some pants-down Southern Justice? They changed it to "The natural State", which makes as little sense as their previous proclamation.

If there's one state I'll never understand it's Hawaii, the "Aloha State".

What sensible state would want to conjure the picture of exotic looking dancing girls draping flower ropes over the necks of visitors, each time their plane boarded in Oahu? Is it any wonder half the girls from Real World Hawaii were rape victims. They weren't really, just wishful thinking on my part.

Maine calls itself "Vacationland".

How would you like to drive a garbage truck for eight hours in Augusta with a sign hanging on the back that says "Vacationland"? And when's the last time you were on a plane and asked the guy next to you where he was vacationing and he said with a smile "Maine"? Never! and it will never happen in the future either. Why not just say "Maine: Most people don't even know we're a state!" Perhaps it's not as catchy as "Vacationland" but at least it's honest.

How would you like to work all your life and plunk down $50,000 on a new Mercedes Benz only to see the dealership screw "Idaho: Famous Potatoes" onto the back of the car?

Some of the positive aspects of advertising are that it allows business ventures to run more smoothly. For instance, let's compare television. Large networks like NBC pay for advertising whereas public access have none. But wait a second, didn't NBC put "Ed" on the air? For like 5 seasons?

That's it, I've made up my mind! I'm against advertising! My return to el gay better be welcomed like the Prodigal Son, God knows I've spared you all from some horrible things. If not for me your vaginas would all be glowing. In the meantime you can move to Chernobyl. Fuckers.

Thanks for reading and appreciating the sacrifices I make for you and your eExperience.

EPIC ENTRY

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 21:40:35 GMT

It's been a long time since I've written in this journal. Rather than dedicate my time toward long, drawn-out conspiracy theories involving baseball or barbies, I've decided to just bullet a few things I've been contemplating lately. I can guarantee you will enjoy this entry, perhaps not for the written content, but for "other" portions of this entry. Let's just say there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

*I've decided to form a band. Like any band, the starting point revolves around the name. It's difficult to gain a fan base with a drab name like Outkast or Coldplay or NSYNC. You see, these "bands" have very little fan base, in fact, I doubt anyone here has ever heard of them. For bands to garner the listener's attention, a very catchy name is required. For instance:

SONIC ORGASM.

But Jim, what kind of music would SONIC ORGASM play? Rock? Rap? Punk? Emo? Alt-Country, known to many as "Yallternative"??

No, I tell them.

Sonic Orgasm would simply masturbate on stage over a soft humming acoustic guitar.

Wait a second, that is emo! Back to the drawing board.

*Recently a human vagina, whom we'll call "Woman" from this point forward, began complaining to me about how uncomfortable some tampons were. I feel for her, for years I've been on the front lines of the feminist movement. Hell, I organized the Dykes for Bi-kes Foundation. DB gave lesbians free bicycles to allow our lesbian friends to ride the road to liberation. Liberation being San Fransisco, you get the idea.

Anyways, while resting on my NASA developed Tempurpedic Pillow, it dawned on me. It would be the perfect material to hold up to the daily vaginal grind. And so I developed:

Tempurperiod not only molds to the body creating a superior cushion of comfort but it also dams the Red Sea, protecting woman from unsightly leaks!

Woman will suffer no longer!

At my high school, a Russian student named Yustina recently had naked pictures of her taken by her sister Stacy. Yustina sent the pictures to one person she obviously trusted. To make a moderately short story even shorter, this one kid sent it to pretty much everyone in the school. Before you knew it neighboring high schools were inquiring about "The Yustina Pics". But it didn't stop there, the Yustina Pics soon reached college campuses as far as California. Without further adieu, here is the Yustina Phenomenon, uncut.

Edit: FBI involved, had to delete. Sorry.

Play Ball!

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 02:35:55 GMT

The crack of the bat, the sound of mucus gliding through the air only to clang against the scorching blacktop and the taste of stale Cracker Jack nestled between your teeth can only mean one thing: run-on sentences...And that you've been temporarily distracted from that pigeon ten yards up on the bleachers attempting to shit directly onto your cranium.

Yes my friends, "The National Pastime" is fast approaching. But what does pastime mean anyway? And why doesn't it have two "t"s? Baseball is just the kind of game anyone deserves who has nothing better to do than try to pass his time. Did I just say his? I mean hers too, don't want to be sexist and pretend softball isn't a real sport. After all, if I may use an analogy, softball is to baseball as Ovaltine is to milk.

Observe:

The sport of Baseball is outrageously lengthy and to be generous, monotonous. If there were dramatic strike outs, home runs or bench-clearing brawls every inning, perhaps I could stomach it a bit better. But the fact is, 90% of the time it's the same boring predicament. Pitcher throws ball. Batter doesn't swing at ball. Repeat three more times until batter hits ball softly to third base, where he is thrown out. 90% of the time, people! 90, it's big fucking number, no?

And another thing I hate about baseball--there's a manager. What do they have to do with the game? They sit in the dugout like little kings, waving, scratching, gesturing, spitting. They immediately storm on the field to challenge a decision by an umpire even though no decision has ever changed in the hundred years the game has been played. When a manager storms out on the field, does he think this is going to be the first time? Why do they let them on the field at all?

Nowadays all I hear is how steroids are ruining the game of baseball, creating an unequal playing field that will forever tarnish the purity of "America's Game". It's so bad even Congress has to intervene! Typical American thinking for ya. People are getting paid $252 million to hit a ball with a bat, descendant of the stone-age tool, the club. $252 million! You, the fans, are paying for that $252 million dollar salary by buying tickets, merchandise and the $17 hotdogs.

Now, had I been spending $252 million dollars I sure as hell wouldn't want to feel ripped off. Yet you fans complain everytime the 252 million dollar man sticks a needle in his ass for your entertainment! If I'm spending that astronomical sum of money, I want to see that motherfucker hit 300 home runs a season. But unless he's as juiced as the Kool Aid mascot, it ain't gonna happen.

As far as Congress is concerned, I would like to call on them to pass two laws. The first would provide that there would be no overlapping of professional sports. Baseball, being a spring summer sport, would have to end before Football, a fall sport, began.

The second law would concern Congress itself. In the future, we'd be able to write to Congressmen (and women!) free of charge. It would cost them money to write to us. That's it. Congress should stop fidgeting with baseball and get back to the really important stuff. Like fighting taxes and terrorism as well as banning gay marriages and...fat people. Not for their health but for mine! Lord knows my retinas water up with grease just thinking about the ungodly amount of Americans that resemble The Michelin Man.

So keep scarfing down those $17 hotdogs, baseball fans, and ask yourselves: Are you watching the game to see home runs and strike outs, or are you watching the game to view groundouts and walks?

While you ponder that, remember to avoid the pigeon shit up above. Wouldn't want any unnecessary condiments ruining such an expensive slab of processed meat.

Thanks for reading.

Cast Away

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 20:31:44 GMT

So I've been pretty sick as of late and I decided to watch some movies to pass the time. I always remembered people having very heated discussions about the Tom Hanks epic, Castaway. Since I hadn't yet seen the movie, I figured now is as good a time as ever to watch it, right? Right. As you probably have gathered by now, it's a pretty mediocre movie. What are the chances he'd be the only survivor of a plane crash on a giant fucking cargo plane? And what are the chances he'd land on an island not yet discovered by humanity? I mean shit guys, it's not 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue and enslaved Indians. As far as the tanker ship saving him goes, that's just ridiculous. If I'm the Captain and I see a naked dude, eating coconuts with ice skates and playing with fire on an island there's no fucking way I'm stopping to help that looney. But the movie got me thinking, had I been stuck alone on an island for years, what would I do?

Through his entire stay on the island there were a number of things Chuck, the main character, never did. I know if I were stranded on an island for an undetermined amount of time, not knowing if I would ever be saved or even see another human again in my lifetime, I would be wacking off like every 10 minutes. I'd wack off so much my discharged fluid would eventually flood the island, sealing my fate before I ever found that giant oil tanker. And another thing, I sure as fucking hell wouldn't befriend a volleyball.

Much like the movie, this entry should be cast away--far, far away. Man, I should really stick to the Barbie Conspiracy theories.

The Passion of Barbie

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 02:27:23 GMT

According to popular myth, Barbie was invented in the late 1950's, quickly becoming the best selling doll of all time. However, the theory that barbie just appeared out of thin air raises some interesting questions. By the time of her conception (if you can call it that) in the 1950's Barbie was already a full-figured teen (she even carried two of her ribs in her purse) with a great social life, a trendy car and a beautiful dream house in Malibu overlooking the vast Pacific Ocean. But what happened to Barbie in the years prior to 1958? How exactly did she acquire so much fame, success and controversy seemingly overnight? After ruffling some silicone, I have compiled a detailed history of Barbie's life before her years in the limelight. This is the truth, the real story of Barbie.

The most troubling aspect of Barbie's history is that there is no evidence to support the fact that Barbie had parents. This is especially controversial considering the era, the 1950s, was typified by the perfect American life a la Pleasantville. To uncover the truth of Barbie's parents, tremendous amounts of research eventually led us to WWII, where new documents have surfaced, providing the pieces to solve the puzzle. Barbie was in fact a German Jew, who escaped the persecutions of the Nazis, eventually finding asylum in the United Kingdom. Her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Blondenstein however, weren't as lucky. Shortly after Barbie's departure, the Blondenstein's were grabbed in the middle of the night and shoved into boxcars headed for Auschwitz. Barbie, now in war ravaged England, received word of her parents horrifying predicament. She immediately contacted close friend G.I. Joe, an American, and planned a mission to free her parents from the Nazi death machine.

In the sweltering heat they left for Nazi Germany, hoping for the best, fearing for the worst. The details of this highly dangerous mission, containing horrifying pictures of what Barbie saw, have now been declassified, bringing forth new evidence to the mystery of what happened to Barbie's parents. Here we see Barbie arriving at Auschwitz, hoping to save her beloved parents.

But oh no!!!! It was too late, the Blondensteins had already been placed in The EZ Bake oven, set at 1250, and subsequently incinerated!!! Oh the horror! The smell of burning plastic suffocated the air as Barbie and G.I. Joe sped off in the elusive pink jeep. After failing her mission to liberate her parents, Barbie returned to America to make a new life for herself and to forget the unspeakable horrors of what she saw one terrible August day.

Barbie, like many immigrants, had a great deal of difficulty surviving the harsh elements of America. Unable to find work, the starving young blonde could only support herself through the practice of prostitution.

Fortunately, Barbie became "friends" with a mysterious and powerful Latino named Zorro in beautiful, sunny California. It is widely accepted that Zorro had been the top drug czar in Mexico, trafficking an estimated 50% of all drugs throughout the United States! Zorro pampered the young, mystifying blond, secretly marrying her in 1955. Buying her luxurious amenities such as beach front estates, new cars and a wardrobe fit for a queen, life seemed perfect. Barbie, though still traumatized by the death of her parents, had indeed created a wonderful new life for herself just as she vowed years earlier. But the honeymoon would end soon as Zorro would be shot and killed by Mexican authorities, leaving his riches and legacy to Barbie.

Fast forward 40 years. Barbie, having already embarked in wildly successful careers as an astronaut, teacher, soldier, librarian, ballerina, doctor, veterinarian, nurse and singer felt that there was just one more profession needed to make her life complete: Nascar driver. The sport of high-octane speed and adrenaline had always intrigued Barbie but she felt her image would be tarnished had she been associated with such a low-brow sport. But times were changing and Nascar was the highest grossing "sport" in America, speeding by baseball, basketball and football.

Barbie arrived on the Nascar circuit in early 2002, winning several of the races she participated in. Her years of driving pink Jeeps had more than prepared her for the vehicular fury that is Nascar.

Barbie more than left her mark on the sport of Nascar when her pink 58 car crashed into Ken Schrader`s in the last lap of the Daytona 500. Schrader's car then sliced into seven-time champion Dale Earhardt, killing Earnhardt instantly.

Days later, enraged Earnhardt fans later stormed into Barbie's dream house, holding the ageless blond hostage.

After hearing that not only did she kill their God, Mr. Earnhardt, but she was also a Jew! This could mean only one thing; Barbie not only killed Earnhardt, but she was responsible for the death of Jesus too! "Kill the Jew!!!" they shouted as beer cans clanged against the asphalt.

On Easter Sunday Barbie was crucified, ending her reign as queen of the plastic. The only question remains, will she rise again?

This concludes The Passion of Barbie: The Real Story, thanks for reading.

Oldympics!

Mon, 15 Mar 2004 22:14:19 GMT

Jim Kleimann here, reporting from the Senior Olympics in sunny Florida.

Our coverage starts with the opening speech from Senior Olympic Chairman Arthur Itus.

Sounds inspiring, Arthur. Let the games begin!

The first event in The Senior Olympics is the 20 meter dash. There is a slight twist as the participants are not allowed bathroom breaks before the race. Here is your leader, Willie P. Allover:

followed closely by a very determined Bob Barker.

Excuse me, I'm receiving word that the hurdling event has just begun. Let's take a look!

My goodness, even gravity can't hold down those wrinkles! It sure is something watching these fabulous physical specimens maintain the integrity we expect to see in sports. You won't find any of the murderers, rapists or druggies that plague mainstram sports. Not here at the Senior Games, no siree.

Each one of these sterling athletes go through rigorous drug testing, attend "moral" seminars and stress the importance of sportsmanship at each and every turn. Oh, excuse me, breaking news here! The women's long distance marathon is nearing its conclusion, who will be the victor?

And it looks like an upset as Mrs. Esther Davis is ahead of perennial favorite Mildren Green. This is shocking, folks, Mrs. Green hasn't lost this event since the Cold War!

Mysteriously Mrs. Davis collapses and retreats to the confines of her tent. I'm receiving word that someone allegedly spiked her Metamusal, causing diarrial hemmorage, overloading the Depends she was wearing beneath those stylish purple shorts. The adult diapers were then blasted with shotgun shells, combusting the contents in the diaper, leading to what appears to be the death of Mrs. Ether Davis. This is a tragedy not witnessed since Strom Thurman, in 1959, riddled the road with Bingo chips, causing Ed Chaplin to slip and break his hip. We're going to have to take a break folks.

That concludes Day One of the Senior Olympics, hope you've all enjoyed. Let's all pray for Mrs. Davis and her family, they'll be in our hearts and minds.

I'm Jim Kleimann, from everyone here at NBC, thanks for watching. Now back to your regularly scheduled program, Golden Girls Gone Wild.

The War on War

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 03:27:14 GMT

In the political realm of the justification of war in Iraq, there is no grey region. You either sternly advocate the war or are animately against it. Those opposing the war number in the millions, yet are represented by a rather uninspiring few. Here, with the help of photography, we can fully understand why protesters' opinions are not, nor should ever be valued. Ever. These pictures were taken during a protest in New York City sometime in the past year.

The stomachs of these protesters read "Bellies Not Bombs" while the signs read "Send Food!"

Had you fat, emo sacks of shit not eaten such a large portion of the nation's food, perhaps we could send more food to the starving children of Iraq. Yet the question remains, why exactly are you exposing your blubber? Do they not have enough oil in Iraq? And just for future awareness, next time when your picture is being taken, look at the fucking camera! It just makes the whole process a lot easier. Send food, not soldiers, eh? Well since those poor, helpless, innocent children are in fact starving and you all seem to be anything but starving, I have a plan. Instead of sending soldiers, we will send all of your daily food rations. That way the poor starving children of Iraq will gain some much-needed nutrients while you three attempt to improve not only your body image, but the actual body! It's called weight distribution, they get more, you get less. It equalizes in the end! Americanized harmony. And one more thing, the dark-haired ones look like Munsters. Not good.

"These colors don't run the world." If I am anti-war the last person I want representing my views in a parade is a Puerto Rican. I can tell she is in fact a Puerto Rican simply because there is only one fucking star on the flag. Maybe you can team up with the "bellies not bombs"--bitches and practice that weight distribution thing. Her fellow protester also does a wonderful job of fitting into the mold of a stereotype. The dumb, uninformed blond. Maybe she didn't get the memo when she wrote "We didn't elect you", but in America we have this system called the "electoral college". All together now, ELECTORAL COLLEGE. Now in order to win the Presidency of the United States, one must win the electoral college. In the year 2000, George W. Bush won the electoral college and therefore is the President of the United States. Am i over-simplifying it here?

Second of all, do you really want to know the opinion of someone with pants like that? You can fit half the starving children of Iraq (as well as the previously mentioned fatties) in her pants! She should really shut the fuck up and go to Macy's or something. As for the little girl on the right, though it is admirable how politically enthusiastic you are, maybe you should leave the real decisions to the real people. Real people as in adults. The political opinions of pre-pubescent girls are really not valued by any conventional standard. Either go to school or return to the confines of the pink barbie Jeep parked outside the club house in the backyard. And lastly, you guys see that woman in the front dressed in black? Yes? Do you see what she's doing? She's checking her pulse to make sure she's still alive.

Here we see a bunch of college students protesting the war by...sleeping in the middle of an intersection in Manhattan. Maybe when Mommy and Daddy sent you off to college they failed to mention that cab drivers (read:Arab) have little disregard for the rules of the road, let alone the rules of common sense. So next time ya want to make a point Sleeping Beauty, do it in a secure, familiar site, like the Starbucks around the corner from your apartment in the village which Mommy and Daddy no doubt pay for. There you can drink Lates while engaged in a riviting discussion on how the capitalist pigs (read: their parents) prey upon the poor to further their own economic stronghold of the exploited hard working Americans.

When's the last time you met someone well versed in politics, that ALSO wore red socks and a pink bandanna? Never, it just doesn't happen. Her friend, however appears to be extremely politically savvy. One look at the Elton John-esque shades, the blue polka dot pants and the striped knee socks and you know she'll be debating Ann Coulter on Fox News as to the validity of the war. After all, Bush is a wishful thinker with the worst intentions.

I know it's hard to read but the sign says "Kids for Protest". My gripe is rather simple, if you still require a diaper, your opinion is not relevant. People who cannot control their bowels cannot possibly grasp the complicated issue of war and peace. Period. But Jim, what about old people who shit themselves--with age comes wisdom, right? Wrong! They'll be dead before Operation: Those Fucking Iraqis Just Won't Give Up is over, and therefore have no say in the matter. Let me take this opportunity to say I have no problem with the mother (I presume) protesting the war, but encouraging, possibly forcing, her daughter to hold the sign is just downright stupid. I'll bet $100 that the kid probably thinks Curious George is real. The point being, no one that young can possibly analyze and form an opinion about an issue adults often cannot articulate.

Secondly, the mother should be stoned for dressing her daughter in that hideous pink outfit. There is no such thing as a pink fucking tiger, maybe a panther but not a tiger. Remember, everything you see on TV is true. The bottoms line is that woman should just buy the little kid a pair of jeans and stop using her to further her own loaded opinion.

Assuming you've read this entire entry, you might assume I'm pro-war. Much to the contrary, I'm actually just as annoyed by the war as these very people. However, I'm even more annoyed that these people in the photos are the faces representing the voice of a legitimate movement. After all, it's universally known that the only effective tool in the war against war is writing petty journal entries attacking large groups of people you dislike. When the protesters grasp how to use this tool, then we may finally win the war against war and preserve the red, white and blue pillars of our great democracy (read:Republic).

Thank you.

iRecycle

Sun, 15 Feb 2004 22:18:51 GMT

I was reading through CNN today when an article caught my attention.
High levels of anandamide were found in young men who ran or cycled at a moderate rate for about an hour, according to a study made public this week by the Georgia Institute of Technology and the University of California, Irvine...The study's findings, which were recently published in the journal NeuroReport, fly in the face of those who believe that the release of brain chemicals called endorphins cause the peculiar high that some runners and cyclists claim to feel...

"Runner's High" became known around the 1970's and since then it's effects have been felt throughout the running and drug community. Numerous studies such as this one have proven time and time again that long distance running and cycling destroy society. Prefontaine helped too.

1. Running makes you tired and we all know that isn't fun. Besides, we now have Razor Scooters.

Those kids are obviously happy and NOT tired.

2. All runners have bad haircuts.

And if you look closely, I think his shirt says "Hepatitis".

3. The best runners are the Africans, which begs the question, what are they running from? And how is it a guy without shoes wins a marathon? Is he running from

The hood of justice?

4. Runners do not run on the sidewalk because the ground is "uneven". Instead they run on the shoulder of the road, taking up space for my automobile. Who do they think they are?

5. Cyclists have long been linked to cases of cancer. The most notable being Lance Armstrong, "American Hero".

But would a real hero spread the debilitating disease to an innocent little girl? And her dog too??!!! His name is undoubtably "Patches".

Some hero he is.

While marijuana users are subject to federal law, these people are out being praised for their dedication to health and fitness despite the fact that they're linked to bad haircuts, hepatitis and cancer!
Where is the justice and equality our nation was founded upon???!!!!
All marijuana smokers do is listen to Phish and watch Bananas in Pajamas.

So my question to you is this: Should running and cycling be illegal?

DEBATE!

P.S. Wiggles is cool too!

Venereal Day

Sat, 14 Feb 2004 17:38:28 GMT

After a week of no LJing I click on my friends page and am instantly bombarded with either "Happy Valentines Day <3" or "I h8 Valentines Day" in every single entry. However, I think a lot of you people missed something. It is in fact Valentines Day, but it is not the only V-Day on the calender. Because today is the celebration of love, there are many lovers not familiar with the dangers of love. So I propose that today also be designated as Venereal Day, in order to combat the spread of these terrible diseases. And since no other group in our society has been affected by venereal diseases as much as the Gays and Lesbians, let's start there.

Remember way back in like 4th grade when everybody had those stupid little candy hearts that said something like "I want you", "You're special!" or "The Cooties aren't contagious"? Well it's the 21st century and there are simply not enough love candies being marketed towards the gays. So I am here to unveil my new idea.

Health Hearts: These one of a kind candies are modeled after syphilis bacteria and contain a little Venereal Day anecdote. Keep in mind, we are in the early phases, so there may be some changes to the final product.

Prototype:

Of course, the best place to market such education is in places with high concentrations of gay people. Thus the need to educate during large rallies or pride festivals.

Floats are extravagant, no? Is it too tacky? I personally think this is subtle yet still gets the message across.

Now, though the gays are affected significantly by sexually transmitted diseases, they are certainly not the only ones. The AIDS-ravaged continent of Africa has areas in which 40% of the population is infected with the deadly disease. Many of them do not even know they have it.

In order to learn more about this debilitating illness I read

and learned two things.

1. There is no cure.
2. You are going to die.

The government really isn't telling the whole story. Good book, I recommend it. Anyways, to rid Africa (and the world for that matter) of AIDS, it all starts with education. People can't stop what they don't know about. Although there are AIDS-education programs in Africa, it seems pretty obvious that they're not as effective as they could be. A more progressive campaign must be established to truly combat the evils of HIV and AIDS. So I and a few friends

will distribute large numbers of condoms and Magic Johnson posters throughout Africa in the hopes of maybe saving just one person. Just one, that's all it takes.

To conclude this very special holiday entry, I would like to say that
.
I hope that his entry has perhaps shed some light on the afflictions of others and what you can do to help. Just remember how good you've got it. So please, spread the word!!But just the word, the spread of other things might be counter-productive.

Editor's Note: I just found out that Satan is gay.

Think he wants to buy a Health Heart?

iCare

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 23:53:06 GMT

Here at the Louise Woodworth School of Childcare

we feel that the best way to care for a child is the ol' fashioned way; tough love!

As you can see here

Little Suzie got pretty out of hand and was forced to wear the proverbial "dunce cap". Though this may temporarily curb Suzie's adventures in bad behavior, it is not effective as a long-term punishment. The plastic-y Fisher Price piece of shit similarly acts only as a temporary deterrent, yet its short term effectiveness is unrivaled.

Anyways, Suzie's friends Hamil Mohammed and Amir

failed miserably in their homework assignment. As any common tart can see, that is not London Bridge. Many conservative parents would simply say:

"It's okay Hamil Mohammed and Amir, we understand. You'll still get by because of affirmative action!"

Unfortunately, those conservative parents are not closely watching their children and the dangers they perpetuate. If one looks closely at Hamil Mohammed (on the left), one can see he is holding an object that vaguely resembles a Boeing 747 airplane. The buildings constructed by the two boys resemble skyscrapers not unlike those commonly found in *cough* New York. The deviously suspicious smiles do not allow much leeway for their innocent claims to be seriously considered. Or perhaps fatty (2) ate a lego and he's smiling anticipating what shape he'll shit out in the corner? Regardless, they need discipline!

WE HERE AT THE LOUISE WOODWORTH SCHOOL OF CHILDCARE WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS LAISSEZ FAIR CHILDCARE!!!!!!(Hey is that catchy or what?)

Children need discipline and as an expert on juvenile discipline I will give you a simple outline of what should be done.

1. When you see Suzie, Hamil or Amir engaging in these acts of delinquency, the first rule of business is to pick them up with significant force positioning their head toward your feet. Then with an open hand proceed to smack them between the neck and the back. Rinse and repeat!

But please do not be alarmed, this is only tough love and it will not seriously affect the child's well-being.

2. When step one does not properly get the message across drastic actions must be taken to ensure the future well being of the child in question. In other words, shake them until they stop screaming "I swear I didn't eat the legos" or "My mommy is suing".

3. Step three is more for their psychological well being. Send the youngster home on the short bus to instill a feeling of wrongfulness. The ridicule of classmates will most assuredly permanently stop Suzie, Hamil Mohammed and Amir's behavior.

Some may cite this type of enforcement as cruel, evil, sadistic and even criminal but these are the same people not familiar with providing stern yet loving care that a young, impressionable child needs. Children need discipline and structure! By sending your child to the Louise Woodward School of Childcare, you are ensuring your child a better tomorrow!

So call us today!

Hokay So...

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 19:11:29 GMT

Mary Ellis Bunim, co-creator of MTV's "Real World", died after a long bout with breast cancer.

In keeping with tradition, Mary's ebalmed body will be filmed for the making of a reality TV show along with Real World San Fransisco star, Pedro Zamora. According to insider sources at MTV, Mary and Pedro will be followed by a camera crew chronicling their lives in the afterlife.

Guest appearances include Michelle Parma of Road Rules Season 3, killed in a car crash. Angel Juarbe Jr, a firefighter and winner of Fox's "Murder in Small Town X", killed in the 9/11 attacks. And the final cameo will be made by Puck, who if isn't dead, will still continue to heckle the dead, boosting the ratings. This of course assuming Puck is not evicted from the gates of hell.

The name of this proposed reality show has not yet been released but sources close to MTV have told us that it will likely be either "Newlydeads" or "The Real UnderWorld.

It will air sometime in June.

What Ever Happened to Human Kindness

Mon, 26 Jan 2004 01:03:24 GMT

Wouldn't this be a bit counter productive? Since your business sorta depends on advertising via...POPUPS!!!!!

And in response to This entry, kittykat_kapow wrote

this is a fine example of the lack of human kindness in the world today. what the fuck is wrong with you people? i hope you all got a good laugh, because this is the most disgusting thing i've ever seen. what goes around, comes around. remember that. and you should be ashamed of yourselves, honestly. this is pathetic. can't we entertain ourselves without making fun of someone who has done NOTHING to you? why do we need to tear others down to feel good about ourselves? you make me sick.

Normally a comment like this would have me distraught since I feel a great moral responsibility on the internet but this made me flat out laugh. This is the most disgusting thing you've ever seen? Come on, really? I guess you've never seen About Shmidt where Kathy Bates has a nude hot tube scene with Jack Nicholson. Surely that is more repulsive than me writing a half-assed review of some whiney, diseased hair-ripping maniac.

flOWer pOWer

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 04:19:16 GMT

VS.

Researcher Links Obesity, Food Portions

Sat, 03 Jan 2004 03:37:32 GMT

CHAMPAIGN, Ill. - With self-refilling bowls of soup and jumbo buckets of stale popcorn, professor Brian Wansink has identified one culprit for U.S. obesity: excessive food portions.

Man, I wish I had thought of that. Glad to see my tax dollars are going to research projects such as this one.

Without the brilliant work of Brian, would we ever know what really caused obesity? Surely it would be years before someone connected over-eating to obesity. It just seems too outside the realm of possibilities.

But thanks to Brian and friends we no longer have to worry if eating 20 Big Macs might possibly be unhealthy AND cause obesity. Now we know.

Thanks again Brian!

New Year Same Ol' Shit

Thu, 01 Jan 2004 05:59:37 GMT

Stop saying "Happy New Year", we all know it's a new year, there's no need to remind us. Believe it or not we haven't forgotten yet. And don't list your New Year's Resolutions, they are unattainable because you are an idealistic shit and quite frankly, you're narrow-minded. If it was so fucking important you would take the initiative to have done it a long time ago, not decide "Oh I'm gonna start doing ________ now because it's a new year and I need goals." SO IT'S A NEW YEAR, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? You should do it because you want to, not because the clocks turned and all the sudden you had an epiphany. Try something in August, shithead. (/PS)

(P.S.) No one ever clicks on 'phone posts'. Ever.

E-Relation

Wed, 31 Dec 2003 04:27:21 GMT

Because I didn't put my Grandpa's picture behind a cut, meghanjinx decided to *gasp* defriend me! That bitch! Since I know Meghan is a huge fanfic fan (?) of Harry Potter, I made her a photoshop image as somewhat of a farewell present.

It's a sexy picture of Harry on the beach, I figured Ms. Jinx could get off to that later or something.

I also had an AIM conversation with someone named x CuteNeSs x 12 and let me tell you, she's a really nice girl. We had a difference of opinion on some things but I think we're really beginning to develop a strong bond. (Although I too hate reading other people's conversations, this is a pretty good one.)

x CuteNeSs x 12: wut are u up to
x CuteNeSs x 12: wud ya do tonight
Ass stopIMingMe: just masturbating to pictures of screech from saved by the bell
Ass stopIMingMe: childhood memories
Ass stopIMingMe: ya know...
Ass stopIMingMe: as for tonight, i made dinner for a few friends.
Ass stopIMingMe: you?
x CuteNeSs x 12: niice
x CuteNeSs x 12: gettin ready to go out
Ass stopIMingMe: bottles of bub in the club?
x CuteNeSs x 12: yep
Ass stopIMingMe: so who are you?
Ass stopIMingMe: because i lost my puppy dog
Ass stopIMingMe: and maybe i can pick you up in my car and you can help me look for him
Ass stopIMingMe: i have vandy :0
Ass stopIMingMe: candy
x CuteNeSs x 12: haha
x CuteNeSs x 12: niice try
x CuteNeSs x 12: freak
Ass stopIMingMe: ok maybe i rushed it a little
x CuteNeSs x 12: hmm maybe just a little?
Ass stopIMingMe: i should just have called animal control in teh first place
Ass stopIMingMe: stupid, stupid stupid
x CuteNeSs x 12: yeah u shoulda
x CuteNeSs x 12: very stupid
Ass stopIMingMe: but you know they shoot the animals
x CuteNeSs x 12: no shyt
Ass stopIMingMe: after they force the animals to test out dangerous hair care products
Ass stopIMingMe: its truly tragic
x CuteNeSs x 12: yeah
x CuteNeSs x 12: it is
Ass stopIMingMe: so will you help me find my dog before its too late?
Ass stopIMingMe: please :-(
x CuteNeSs x 12: i cant
Ass stopIMingMe: but he'll get shot!
Ass stopIMingMe: just like in Sounder...
x CuteNeSs x 12: uht oh
Ass stopIMingMe: but i'll settle for naked pics of yourself...
x CuteNeSs x 12: uht oh
Ass stopIMingMe: for the puppies!:'(
x CuteNeSs x 12: i think u should just stick to ur saved by tha bell scenes
x CuteNeSs x 12: 4 tha puppies
Ass stopIMingMe: screech is gone though
Ass stopIMingMe: he's doing standup comedy
Ass stopIMingMe: so fork 'em over!
x CuteNeSs x 12: oh well that sux
x CuteNeSs x 12: nah
Ass stopIMingMe: i know, he's a terrible comedian
Ass stopIMingMe: what's wrong with you?
Ass stopIMingMe: god, human compassion is non-existant nowadays
Ass stopIMingMe: have you ever heard of a little thing called "empathy"?
x CuteNeSs x 12: yeah
Ass stopIMingMe: well then practice it!
x CuteNeSs x 12: nah
Ass stopIMingMe: you're why humanity has sunken so low
x CuteNeSs x 12: no ur why
x CuteNeSs x 12: dumbass
x CuteNeSs x 12: cuz ur a FREAK
Ass stopIMingMe: dont patronize me bitch
Ass stopIMingMe: just send me nuddies
x CuteNeSs x 12: get a freakn reality check n grow tha fuck up 1
x CuteNeSs x 12: !*
x CuteNeSs x 12: hellz no
x CuteNeSs x 12: u dont deserve them
Ass stopIMingMe: i know i dont
Ass stopIMingMe: but the puppies do!
Ass stopIMingMe: dont be so fucking selfish
x CuteNeSs x 12: fuk tha puppies
Ass stopIMingMe: no fuck you!
Ass stopIMingMe: we can at least cyber
Ass stopIMingMe: i'll settle
Ass stopIMingMe: but i'm saving the conversation so i can get off to it later
x CuteNeSs x 12: wut
x CuteNeSs x 12: wut tha hell is wrong with u
Ass stopIMingMe: im thinkin of you baby
x CuteNeSs x 12: u dont even no me
Ass stopIMingMe: say "wut the hell is wrong with u" in a sexy voice
Ass stopIMingMe: come on
Ass stopIMingMe: try it
Ass stopIMingMe: quit being so combative
Ass stopIMingMe: give in to the feeling
x CuteNeSs x 12: hahahahahahahah
x CuteNeSs x 12: u poor thing
x CuteNeSs x 12: dont get ass much do u?
Ass stopIMingMe: well ever since screech left
Ass stopIMingMe: i told you about that already
Ass stopIMingMe: i'm just doing this to save my dog
Ass stopIMingMe: god, show some heart
x CuteNeSs x 12: i dont think it was bc of screeh hunnie
Ass stopIMingMe: i told you not to patronize me, hunny.
Ass stopIMingMe: is that you in the icon?
Ass stopIMingMe: with the party hat?
Ass stopIMingMe: you look hot.
x CuteNeSs x 12: umm no its n0t
Ass stopIMingMe: its ok
Ass stopIMingMe: dont be embaressed
Ass stopIMingMe: you look good
Ass stopIMingMe: but who's that in the black top hat?
Ass stopIMingMe: he looks kinda creepy
x CuteNeSs x 12: my BOYFRIEND
Ass stopIMingMe: like he might try to get dates on the internet
Ass stopIMingMe: what a loser
Ass stopIMingMe: well tell your boyfriend to lose the hat
x CuteNeSs x 12: no thats u
Ass stopIMingMe: shutup, i said not to patronize me
x CuteNeSs x 12: he already did
x CuteNeSs x 12: suck it up bitch
Ass stopIMingMe: hey, watch your mouth
Ass stopIMingMe: who the fuck are you anyways?
Ass stopIMingMe: i was just trying to save my dog
Ass stopIMingMe: and all i get is your bullshit
x CuteNeSs x 12: idk my friend told me to IM
x CuteNeSs x 12: you
x CuteNeSs x 12: cuza ur s/n
Ass stopIMingMe: well thats ok
Ass stopIMingMe: threesome
x CuteNeSs x 12: no
Ass stopIMingMe: yes
x CuteNeSs x 12: no
x CuteNeSs x 12: no
x CuteNeSs x 12: no
Ass stopIMingMe: yes
x CuteNeSs x 12: no
x CuteNeSs x 12: no
x CuteNeSs x 12: nono
x CuteNeSs x 12: no
Ass stopIMingMe: i said yes
x CuteNeSs x 12: no
x CuteNeSs x 12: no
Ass stopIMingMe: fuck you
Ass stopIMingMe: yes
Ass stopIMingMe: why dont you just be nice for a change?
x CuteNeSs x 12: no fuck u i dont care wut tha fuk u say wut i say is wut goes not wut u say buddi !!! got it?
Ass stopIMingMe: wut?
x CuteNeSs x 12: im always niice if u realli new me u would no that im kiddin around but u dont so oh well
Ass stopIMingMe: but im trying to get to know you
Ass stopIMingMe: thats the thing
Ass stopIMingMe: you wont put down your force field
Ass stopIMingMe: i'm trying. :-(
x CuteNeSs x 12: aww
x CuteNeSs x 12: is this tha part where im supposed to care?
Ass stopIMingMe: well i didnt get to give you a christmas present
Ass stopIMingMe: guess what i'll get you
x CuteNeSs x 12: aww
x CuteNeSs x 12: nothing
x CuteNeSs x 12: i dont want one
Ass stopIMingMe: pregnant
Ass stopIMingMe: now shut the fuck up and help me find my dog
Ass stopIMingMe: you're not a team player
Ass stopIMingMe: and quit being so fucking prude
x CuteNeSs x 12: im not prude
Ass stopIMingMe: ok then send naked pics
x CuteNeSs x 12: im to lazy to
Ass stopIMingMe: well then show some effort
Ass stopIMingMe: half the problem the youth of america is fat is because they exert no effort
x CuteNeSs x 12: cya
Ass stopIMingMe: wtf fatty
Ass stopIMingMe: send me nudes

Auto response from x CuteNeSs x 12: upstairz * bbL x0x *

Ass stopIMingMe: WTF
x CuteNeSs x 12: WTF
x CuteNeSs x 12: DID U JUS CALL ME FATTYY
Ass stopIMingMe: yeah chubs, send me some nudes
Ass stopIMingMe: so i can lube up with hamburger grease
Ass stopIMingMe: let's get this show on the road
x CuteNeSs x 12: wtf is ur problem ur tha fat ass who cant get ne ass so u go to ur mom for it u sick shyt
x CuteNeSs x 12: fuck off !!!
x CuteNeSs x 12 signed off at 9:08:40 PM.

Exactly.

Do(ugh)H

Sun, 28 Dec 2003 17:29:07 GMT

So I was watching TV when I saw one of those miserable Pillsbury ads, ya know, the ones with the Pillsbury Doughboy talking to some soccermom about what kind of crossaint would be great for the whole family. And of course at the end the menopausal bitch pokes him in the stomach, nearly knocking his chef's hat off. And to my horror, he likes it! This can mean only one thing, Doughboys have hidden P-Spots on their stomachs.

And as you can imagine he gets horrific yeast infections.

A Tragic Year

Fri, 26 Dec 2003 19:52:33 GMT

We lost a lot of wonderful people in 2003 like:
Keiko:

Err, scratch that...Keiko:

And her big sister Nell:

R.I.P.

Room Raiders

Thu, 18 Dec 2003 22:21:29 GMT

I may be helping out the bad guys (The U.S. Government) but I think their approach to search and seizure is completely wrong. They clearly do not watch enough gratuitous reality shows on television. All one has to do is get government agents to dress up as an MTV camera crew and say they're from Room Raiders and the contestant/accused will allow the camera crew to search their house. It's practically fool-proof (badoom pah!). Soon they will be whisked away in a white van where they believe they get to compete for a hot date. And in a sense they will, except of course the fun is later curbed by a DEA agent searching the house for illegal substances/guns/what have you. Once the contestant/accused is convicted, he/she is then sent to a special location for that oh so hot date.

The Place: San Quentin (fun in the sun)

The Date: With "Cupcake"

Some reality show, eh?