Feed Your Head

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing ''Embraceable You'' in spats.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

I could read them all day.