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May 28th, 2008
10:08 am
The symptoms of caffeine intoxication are not unlike overdoses of other stimulants. It may include restlessness, nervousness, excitement, insomnia, flushing of the face, increased urination, gastrointestinal disturbance, muscle twitching, a rambling flow of thought and speech, irritability, irregular or rapid heart beat, and psychomotor agitation.[73] In cases of much larger overdoses mania, depression, lapses in judgment, disorientation, loss of social inhibition, delusions, hallucinations, psychosis, rhabdomyolysis, and death may occur.[76][77]
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09:45 am - bored of revising
( Rant 2 )
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09:04 am - note, i haven't slept in a long time, and wrote this as a distraction to the coming exam.
( Rant )
..life makes me so fucking angry.
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May 24th, 2008
03:05 am
where's the romance? The films promised romance, but it all just seems to be instant pleasure.
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May 19th, 2008
May 18th, 2008
09:01 pm
the brain seems to incorporate some advanced social processing capabilities. the problem with these is that they're hardwired, and so despite being generally effective, their system is hidden and difficult to analyse consciously.
i wonder how hard it would be to live my life according to scientific method, and control all social interaction based on a test model.
i think i've been revising "electronics and communication networks" a little too much..
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May 16th, 2008
03:19 am
ITS JUST ALL SO FUCKING CONFUSING. TOO MANY VARIABLES
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May 5th, 2008
04:13 am - oh, and..
In other news, birthday party, mine, 25th may. coming?
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April 30th, 2008
02:30 am - posted on facebook too, i double post because i'm cool.
i know with complete certainty, that whatever i choose to do, i will be the best. thing is, i can't decide what to do..
i have this vague notion of "awesome", and of course i'm aware that that notion is open to change, so i need to choose something that is awesome to me now, to me in 5 years, and to me in 20 years.
Dr Sharratt, i mean thats awesome now, and in 20 years, but what does it really give me? 2 and a half years of my life, hard effort, and i get a title and a few letters after my name? increased employability in a limited field of high end research orientated employment? Is that really awesome *enough*? i'm not sure. if i was gonna do it, i'd do it because i could be proud of myself for doing it. And i'd get to make people call me "The Doctor". Just not sure if that's enough
Captain Sharratt. A name I can only achieve with a minimum of 4 years service in some kind of armed forces. Pilot is looking cool now.. if laser correction can fix my eyes enough. That's full of problems though; soon as they have you stuck with them, they can give you any job they want. They'll merely do their "best" to ensure you work where you want to. Also.. it's 4 years. What if i dont like it? That's about 8% of my remaining lifespan, and 8% of the best years I have. I have to wonder if 26 year old Paul would be happy or sad about that decision?
Travelling the world. I've toyed with the idea, though i'm uncertain if it's my style.. it's certainly awesome. I know I could do a good job of it, and there's a lot that i'd enjoy. The highs and lows would be much greater than any other choice I could make - a much richer bed of experience - and the time i do it for is completely controlled by me. Bad points : it achieves little, and costs loads. I don't like the idea of lazing around. Maybe just 6 months?
Supreme Planetary Overlord Paul. I mean, this one would be mega hard, but it's possible.. given the right decisions.. it could happen. Oh shush.
Just get a job, start a career.. it's inevitable Paul, give in to the system! .. No.
So many experiences I want, and only this one fragile lifetime to pursue them. I'd like to say I feel bad about every second I waste.. but instead I'm indifferent to the loss most of the time. Then all at once I get hit by the guilt and madly try to change the direction of my life. Sometimes, dont you just wish your choices could be more consistent? You choose someone you want to be, and you can stay that person. Not have to change the next time your head decides to carry you off on some tangent.
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March 24th, 2008
01:14 am - statistics
yes yes, a rare LJ post. we're all in holidays and thus we post; i'm not just jumping on the bandwagon.
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THIS IS A BORING POST OVERALL, BUT THIS FIRST PART IS ESPECIALLY BORING; STATISTICS, SKIP THIS BIT IF YOU DONT LIKE BEING BORED.
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i was having an argument with my family and a few family friends during a monopoly game (a game of pure evil) when i came to one of those realisations you've always known, but you finally put into words.
First, the argument. I was arguing that due to the exponential increase in return that buying 1/2/3 houses gave, the optimum purchase on 3 properties with 900 to spend, and 6 properties at 100 per house, would be 3 houses on one of the sets (3 properties). everyone else (5 other people) said the best way to spend would be 1 house on 3 of the properties and 2 on 3 of them (distributed). I attempted to argue that statistics proved that due to the exponential increase in value per house, 3 houses was the optimum purchase. the others argued statistics had nothing to do with it, we weren't playing an average game, we were playing [I]our[/I] game. As you probably know how i work, this is when i got angry. i really need to not get angry so easily. I launched into my arrogant lengthy explanation of how they were wrong on so many levels to discount statistics, and one by one they exclaimed how they were "bored", "no longer wished to argue", but "still thought i was wrong."
This annoys me the most.
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However, this is not about me being annoyed. This is about how people work. My arguments normally begin incoherent. They become more coherent as I arrange the thoughts in my head, and eventually I develop my final effective argument.
First, I promise you my argument for this is correct, I have the statistical data for it here (I know, I researched it, I'm sad). Also, I'd like to assure you my method of conveying my argument was good. This of course is biased and subjective, but even post-argument, I believe my endgame argument was well made and executed, and allowed for someone with a minor knowledge of statistics, to understand my reasoning.
Now, the interesting bit to me is how people argued. They began extremely defensive of their opinions. Then, as I argued more fluently, they decided they were bored. This is acceptable to society, in fact I have no doubt right now you're thinking "yeah you bored them to death by arguing too much.. why do you always have to argue so much?!?" Intentional or not, their behavior has followed the pattern of sticking by their argument as they believed it to be correct, and as their side became less correct, they took the escape option in order to avoid admitting they originally gave the incorrect statement. If I bring this argument up with them again (and I won't), they'd all laugh at how silly I am, how I argue all the time about nothing. Again, escaping defeat. Society is designed to allow people an escape option, and not only that, but the person who tries the hardest, argues the most, is always the one that loses. I fought against the masses, and defeat is guaranteed. If my opinion had reflected that of the majority, and opposed a present minority, I would have appeared popular. I backed the unpopular opinion, and get kicked down. How does this select the most likely to survive? This simply selects those that conform. Why do I lose this argument, despite being correct?
I have 3 different sociology/psychology students on this profile. Why do I lose?
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November 25th, 2007
05:28 am
sometimes life feels like a race; a race to think just the right thing. i desperately clamber through memories and emotions, looking for this elusive intention. somehow convinced that a mere thought, a moment of clarity, will deliver satisfaction. of course, i never find it; always becoming sidetracked, believing that this substitute will satisfy my addiction. a game, a sport, a subject, a person. none of it is enough, at least not permamently. always, it seems, it comes down to being a diversion from me. i'm missing it, and i know, without any doubt, that it doesn't exist.
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July 20th, 2007
05:13 am
i have no fucking idea where i'm going. but i know where i've been, and it isn't pretty. what am i doing? thinking? going to do? these questions apply in so many different ways, i lose track.
die hard 4 was cool, i love losing my brain for a bit every so often. yay for mindlessness.
but seriously, i'm losing track of me, and it can't be good.
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February 22nd, 2007
February 18th, 2007
05:57 am
stories. sometimes during life, it can be very easy to lose sight of things. to feel that you are losing control of everything you enjoy, the future that you'd planned becomes warped and the present begins to take this form.
sometimes, it's easy to forget the stories. every day, 6 billion people wake up, and they begin a story. there may be excitement, drama, romance, or maybe not a lot. it doesn't matter, because each and every one has their own, and they have a phenomenal amount of control over the shape that it takes. your life is not random, it is not meaningless. your life is your story, enjoy every second that you write.
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February 9th, 2007
03:05 am
one more night leading to one more day. tick tock.
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February 3rd, 2007
03:37 am - DEEP FUELED ANGER.
i haven't been sleeping very well recently. normally when i'm being dramatic i like to cycle through my normal difficulties until i single out the one with the nastiest twang attached, and weigh up all the contributing factors, and conclude why there is no longer a reason for the drama.
first i twanged on financial difficulties. they're pretty tough, but c'mon everyone has them. i've had that argument, the it's not fair stuff, and concluded i'll be fine.. unless i mess up good and stupid, in which case i deserve what i get. next was the age old relationship buzzer, for the last week i've been thinking that's it, and i must have been appearing stupidly needy to everyone i know at uni. but again not really so much, i know i suck at getting relationships, but i also know i have a lot of fun experiences to look forward to, and i'm not going to feel bad for not having had them.
then i realised that i've been thinking an awful lot, about everything. i'll analyse literally everything out of daily life until it's torn into its constituent parts, no doubt surprisingly dreary and monotone. and slowly the haze settles on my everything, like a dot to dot filling between the lines and making me a nice picture. it's not that i hate the world, i don't. i'm not really feeling dramatic, or asking "WHY?! OH WHHYYYYYYY!" i'm just looking and thinking "yeah i guess that makes sense, that's a nice simple answer to the subject of the cliche "i'm a guy who needs to improve myself!" either it's a method to some way help weigh an argument or point, or it's used as a personal ego boost." i'm using the word cliche so much, i'm turning it into a cliche.
nonetheless, i think i can attribute my lack of desire for sleep, and my lack of ability to sleep, to my dreams. i don't hate my dreams. they aren't sad, they aren't scary, they aren't really happy. my dreams are slowly but surely taking on the form of my rationallity. no more romance, red flowers and rolling in as the hero. there is no hero, the flower is meaningless, i may as well have dreamt of a blank white box. when i'm dreaming, the part of my brain that makes me like the things i see, appears to be turning off, and i'm left with nothing. when before one nights dream could change my attitudes and feelings for weeks, could be so strong i'd actually believe it meant something important, now i don't see anything. i don't forget the dreams, i just ignore them. in lieu of dreams, i've found myself watching tv like scrubs. even now an episode is playing and i'm vaguely watching it. it makes me laugh, it carries a clearcut meaning delivered directly into my brain, and i'll damned well believe every word. i'm not really feeling numb to the world, my emotions are there and ready for action. i'm just not getting as many chances to chug them into action.
oh a little mention of my brother john, he shipped out to live in australia today, to join phil. i'm not very happy about that i guess.
Current Location: essex
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) bored
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January 31st, 2007
05:34 am
i find it strange that the parameters of our universe are exactly engineered to produce and then destroy intelligent life.
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January 28th, 2007
07:20 am - it's all in the mix
i write my pieces, my bits and bobs. and i tell myself, "this one makes you different, better." i like to think i improve myself or set myself apart from the monotony i see every day, by reviewing and considering it. (i've said this shit before, i know. it's appplicable again) by writing such bland assessments as "well if you disect anything, eventually you will have such small pieces, there'll be nothing there at all. the pieces don't matter, it's the construct the pieces make." cliched and old, i think this in referance to thoughts. i have a lot of trouble with thoughts. not thinking them, that's easy. but figuring out if they, and therefore i, are(am) real. and it doesn't matter to me, not one bit. i think of it because i hope to find a conclusion so powerful, so dominating, i can forget everything else i feel. i either don't know why that is, or really don't see any point in figuring out why. well no, it's not that i wouldn't find any reason in figuring it out, it's that i'm scared the reasons are not deep and meaningful, but old. and used. small, and petty. and no less important to me.
i like to think about these things, as i said, that's easy. but writing them down? i don't like this. i do it because, well.. they don't really run around and around in my head, but i'll be walking along the street and there they are, back in my head. nagging. i'll get into the shower and they won't leave and i'll spend half an hour staring at the wall and i'll forget why.
so other things i was thinking. i don't care if i'm wrong by the way, i'm not looking for review or acknowledgement, i'm putting things here in the hope people will discard them, and so i can discard them. women. traditionally i always thought you'd meet the "right" girl, and that'd be it. as long as you made an effort to get to know her, things would just work out. sure i know there's no such thing as a girl made for you, but i like to think there's shades, and a matching (or at least similar) shade for everyone. Well i used to like to think that. nowadays i'm dubious. your personality means shit. your intelligence, quirkiness, depth of character. sure it can help, or contribute, but that's not "it". first,
attractiveness. can't get a girl interested if you look like a mule. second, the game. because it's all a game really. it works across many levels and with multiple people. you play them against each other, you work the targets and you achieve the desired effect. THEN, you think about getting to know the person. THEN you think about telling them what you're actually like. then they might still like you. then they might not. call me a cock, but this is what i see. or call me slow, maybe i was supposed to know all of exactly that back when i was 15, well obviously i knew some of it. but i've not really bothered appreciating the implications. some people will claim it's not like that, or they've never played any kind of game. but that's part of the game. sometimes so subtle you don't know about it. and hell, why would you want to think like that anyway? nope, silly really. condescending? maybe.
i'm not writing that from a bitter view (well, kinda, but that's not what i'm going for), just that it preys on my mind sometimes, and when i see the signs in interactions around me.. it kinda annoys me. i know i know, these things have become part of society; manipulation and people go hand in hand. it's just a shame really.
also i find it strange that i'm alive at this time. i might have mentioned this before, but you can read it again. born one to two hundred years ago, life for the common man was not very interesting.
the average distance someone would move in their LIFE was 30 miles from where they were born. sure a lot of things were undiscovered, and there was an air of excitement about the freshness of things.. but nothing ever really changed. not really. and one to two hundred years from now.. we're plugging holes in most aspects of science, and i would expect us to have a unified theory of "everything" by then (probably a lot sooner). we would be harnessing fusion power on a mass scale, and things considered luxuries in the modern day would come easily. travel would be cheap, but populations used.
doesn't sound that bad? the problem is originallity. people born into the world then will face a rather shit life. where it were extremely obvious that everything they do is almost certainly done a thousand times before, science is restricted to the very niche of intelligence, working on whatever little things remain unsolved(probably never will be), and with a lack of conflict over energy and goods, war and argument dies down. society adjusts into a comfortable hum, instead of a buzz. in science fiction we're always told about the new age of exploration this will bring.. but as time goes on it becomes more and more obvious that faster than light travel, and any kind of space travel, will seem more and more poitnless with time. it is costly, risky, and yields little to no benefit when you leave earths orbit.
apart from population issues (which will most likely be solved in one way or another by then) there is little reason to leave our rock, when it's so much better than everything else on offer. some will leave, most of those will die. but the common man, will live and die on a street where society becomes more and more streamlined at providing basic pleasures. Joy in a pill, or on a button. I mean hell, filmwriters are finding it hard to think of names for films and original ideas already! the story style becomes more and more worn, by then it will be exhausted. people will obviously be born with no knowledge of what has come before, and will watch and learn with interest. but it will be exactly that, studying OTHER PEOPLES originality. you could argue that's what we do now, but i don't care.
nope, now is the age where luxuries and comforts are at an all time high, the ability to travel is available to just about everyone, and you can make a new and original story for yourself every day. society is new, and still evolving. society is a buzz. so why, why am i born now? luck? if the human race continues to survive, which i think it will do for many tens of thousands of years to come, there will be trillions of trillions of trillions more born, and i'm one of these lucky? it's possible.. but i can't shake this horrible feeling that i'm really just a low life, born in an age that didn't care, and hiding in a world that does. obviously you have to be careful with thoughts like those, that you don't become desensitive to the world. i still care, just an observation.
i had a lot of arguments with my brother over things like that, and lots of other stuff when i was at home over christmas. it was strange, hardly spoken to either of them in any meaningful sense, then over christmas just realised that he thinks just as much as i do. maybe a bit dumb of me to think he wouldn't, just because he never mentioned it.
my life is important to me. i want to have success, and luck, and love, and originality, a grand, epic story of my own. i'll do my best, and i hope i do myself proud. if not, i know that whatever i do, whether i'm a 2 bit imposter pretending to be living in the past, or just a lucky bastard.. i'm happy that i'm me. and given the rather lacking audience, i'm happy that you're you too. it's 7am, and i don't want to dream. i want to live my life all now. sadly i'm gonna have to wait, and i won't be doing much while i'm this tired.
a few messages to myself. Get a job. Get some money. Get on the armies back, about getting money. Get a girlfriend, do it without the game. Get a degree, do well in it. Don't get a career, well.. maybe do, but figure out what you want. Don't regret. smile.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) stressed
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November 9th, 2006
02:37 am
when someone says "i'm not who i used to be," are they lying by default, or can someone really change to be something different? my past beliefs would suggest 'yes'; we are always changing, and are never the same as we were a second ago. but then again, my beliefs lead me to believe i don't exist at all, so i'm going to ignore those.
generally we are taught that a person can change who they are; a murderer can change his ways and become a member of society.. but how much truth is there to this? if someone simply controls their darker sides, is this changing who they are, or simply hiding it? i sometimes think that though certain parts of yourself can become hidden or visible given time, they always exist in reality. this opinion would suggest no, you cannot change.
but then again, to the world, you can only be defined in what actions you take. can you change who you are, change your state of mind, simply by making a different choice to that which you would have made otherwise? who you are to one person will not be the same to how you are to someone else, so by this definition you are not just one person, but one of many. and in this state, you can even control who you are, or at least are perceived to be, by controlling what choices a person observes you to make. this is a pretty shit view on it though, as 'you' are delagated to a culmination of a combination of actions. this is inaccurate, as often the reason for those actions is far more important. interpreting reason can prove difficult, hence it is difficult to truly know someone.
i'm bored by the way, that's why i'm writing this. my mind wanders.. it's nice to type it sometimes. i feel like i should end on some kind of conclusion. i don't think anyone has the right to say they have changed from who they were in the past. as you will continue to remember your actions, they will always define you. however you can always change yours and other peoples perceptions of yourself. sometimes something viewed in one light can seem completely different in another. you can only hope that future actions will change the light in which you are viewed (this is all assuming that the past actions were crap of course, if you're perfect in every way - like me - then you need not worry).
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November 4th, 2006
02:54 am
sometimes you lie to yourself to create a situation where a feeling that you would not otherwise be able to express, can be expressed. this is not necessarily a bad thing.
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