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| 02:01pm 19/07/2006 |
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I'm still alive. I'm doin ok.
Alright, I'll admit it; a while back I abandoned xanga and LJ for myspace. (Thanks, Dan, if you still read this) If there is anyone still on here who reads this, you should DEFINATELY check it out! You will have much better luck staying in touch w me.
http://www.myspace.com/2883811
my new AIM:
ribs4rancid
my new msn:
akdisney@iupui.edu
I hardly use Yahoo anymore.
I have 15 credit hours left till I graduate. I took a semester off when daddy died last spring. I'm going to stretch it out over the whole school year this year, though, so the Pell Grant will cover it and I can graduate in the spring w some of my friends.
I started some real intense psychiatric therapy after daddy died. When I wasn't in bed locked in my room in the dark, I was pretty much insane. I didn't get out of bed for anything unless my kids were here and needed me. I would go more than a week without a shower, not eat, and not do a thing around the house. The police actually came a few times because the neighbors complained about how messy and tall my lawn grass and weeds were. Chris even left for about a month because he couldn't handle it. He went to stay w Joe and Amanda and so did the kids I saw them every few days, but I was in no condition to care for them, I couldn't even care for myself. Every once in a while I would get up, with some of energy, but I always used that energy to do idiotic shit like go shopping and blow 2k in a day on bullshit that I didn't really need or even want. I would get extremely upset over tiny things and either sob until I was on the bathroom floor puking, or break shit, or hurt myself - a lot. I was grieving, I was depressed, and my manic periods were more intense and scary than ever before.
Every problem I had ever encountered up until that point now seemed so ridiculous. It gave me some serious perspective into what REAL problems are. Guy problems, Girl problems, missing my favorite band's show, - none of that was important.
Then it got more complicated. My sister and I were at each other's throats constantly. Whatever rocky relationship that we did have died. She started drinking and is now an alcoholic. On the day of Raven's birthday party, she was to drunk from the night before to show up. I got upset, and was really hurt. I said something to my aunt, who said something to her and she called to cuss me out and yell at me. She said that I'm not really upset, I just want attention. WTF? Her friend who, like me, has a degree in psychology took it upon herself to "diagnose" me for her. She said that I am manipulative, selfish and wanted to be the center of attention and that's why I got upset with April for not showing up at the birthday party.
My mom started drinking again, too after more than ten years of sobriety. A few days after the funeral, in a drunken stupor, mom lost her favorite picture of me and daddy while scanning it for me. She decided that maybe she had given it to me and I stole it. She got mad and started screaming and crying and took her glasses off and threw them at Raven. Once again, she had reverted to blaming me for all of her problems. She found the Picture a few days later and called to apologize. She checked in to a rehab clinic last fall and is sober again as far as I know.
My grandpa started a bunch of shit and told me to quit feeling sorry for myself, to which I replied, "My dad just died." (It was 2 weeks after he died) He just said "So what!" then he started telling everyone that he (grandpa) was like a father to me and that he raised me. I did live with him for a couple of years in high school, but it wasn't because dad was not taking care of me. I don't know why he said it. That really hurt. It all did. Once again, I had become the family scapegoat, only this time, my dad wasn’t there to listen, and to talk, to give me advice, or to just sit out on my front porch with me. So, I just decided to cut them out of my life. I didn't need them stressing me out any more than I already was.
The depression just got worse and worse. After about 6 months of this shit, I got really scared. My thoughts flipped back and forth between wanting to die and how I would kill myself, to the thought of my kids having to live without me. My father was gone. He died when I was 27 and I still needed him so bad. I still do. How could I do that to my kids?? If I'm grown and still need him so much, imagine what it would be like for two children to live without their mommy.
So, I went to my old psychiatrist. I have been seeing him weekly for almost a year now. I went through a battery of Rx's including colonopin, xanax, and seroquel all for anxiety/bipolar. WOW Seroquel REALLY knocks me on my ass!! It helped a bit, but it's just a temporary fix. If you know me well, you know that even though I sometimes smoke pot and have experimented with other stuff. However, I have never in my life been addicted to anything, other than sex maybe. I don't like the idea of having to rely on drugs to function.
Which brings me to my newest drug. Since I was about 10 doctors have tried to put me on something for ADD (Ritalin, Adderall, etc). My response has always been "HELL NO". 1. It’s meth/speed 2. It’s addictive, and 3. I didn't need ANOTHER drug. For some reason, after several years, the Dr. asked me once more if I would like to try Adderall. I don't know why, but I agreed to it. Surprisingly, it has helped a lot. I can really notice the difference in how well I pay attention. My grades are back up, my house is spotless, and I do one thing at a time, and finish it before moving on to the next thing. It's amazing.
Over the last year, I have started to rebuild my life, without my daddy. It has been hard, but I have learned so much about myself, life, and what is really truly important. It took a tragedy for me to open my eyes and appreciate life.
This past spring, I had a class with Dr. Roger Ware. He is the most brilliant professor ever. He retired a few years ago, but still teaches this one class, theories of personality, every year. His class was like group therapy. I made a few really good friends, and learned a lot about myself. A lot of the lessons were about our own personality, how to recognize what needs to change, and how to change it. I am going to be a TA for him this year for both semesters. Roger is so cool. He is a real friend and hero to me. I know I have said this a lot lately, but he once said the wisest thing to me that I have ever heard anyone say, "The best thing that can happen is for your life to fall apart.", and it is so true.
I'm doing great now, the kids are awesome, Chris and I are doing great, and I am about to graduate. I still have bad days, and get down in the dumps, but doesn't everyone? My dad would be so proud! I know I am. It really feels good to be able to say I am am proud of myself. |
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| Benefit show for American Cancer Society |
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| 11:37am 30/04/2005 |
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This Sunday, May 1st at 5:00 we will be having a concert at Club Logos. The cost is $7 and proceeds go to the American Cancer Society in honor of my father (we have a relay for life team), who was diagnosed with late stages of cancer last month. PLEASE come to this show!! We will have an amazing lineup and a great time for a good cause!
Never is a Promise
Blue Sky Goodbye
They’ve Shot Flanigan
Ache:Emilie
And L’Arusso
Don't miss this show!!
Alana |
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| Attention Friends!!! |
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| 04:42am 28/04/2005 |
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This Sunday, May 1st at 5:00 we will be having a concert at Club Logos. The cost is $7 and proceeds go to the American Cancer Society in honor of my father (we have a relay for life team), who was diagnosed with late stages of cancer last month. PLEASE come to this show!! We will have an amazing lineup and a great time for a good cause!
Never is a Promise
Theredracer
Blue Sky Goodbye
They’ve Shot Flanigan
Ache:Emilie
And L’Arusso
Don't miss this show!!
Alana |
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| 03:46am 15/03/2005 |
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Well, I'm not sick anymore but Raven was sick for a while. She had a temp of 105!!! I took her to the hospital and all they did was give her anti nausia medicine. Wierd. So I kept her on childrens motrin and after a few days she was all better. I felt so bad for her. Chris has been sick for about a week, too. Hope he gets better soon.
One of my best friends just got out of prison. He's been in and out of the system since he was 13. We've known each other a LONG time...like 15 years. Hardly anyone talks to him anymore and I feel like I'm babysitting him. He is a recovering heroin addict and I have him here at my house and with me wherever I go so I know he isn't out with some assholes smoking crack or shooting up. He and Chris have known each other all thier lives too. We are trying like hell to help him stay clean and that has been a tough job.
Sierra is doing awesome in kindergarten. There is one thing that the teacher and I are both starting to notice - She makes a lot of letters and numbers backwards. We're working hard on it. She can read a lot now. Raven can write her name pretty well now and tell you what words start with what letters. Her behavior has been so good, too. Especially since Chris started living here. |
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| long time no write |
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| 01:46pm 01/02/2005 |
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Wow, been a while since my last entry. Things are wierd around my house. You know how I was always talking about Chris (babydaddy) and how I wanted him so bad and when I got over him after 10 years he started wanting me....
Well, he's been staying at my house. It's nice. We are getting along great. Kevin is still there though. He hasn't worked in almost a month. I finally told him if he doesn't have a job in two weeks he has to leave. I hate it, because he's had a real hard time and he does help out around the house a lot, and I know he needs a place to go, but I can't support him, myself and my kids. Chris is getting pissed about it too.
I've been to a few L'arusso shows lately. They kick so much ass. Their last show was an acoustic set, which blew me away. Not only does Chris L. kick ass on the drums, he's an amazing guitarist as well. Not to mention sexxxy.
I got a new skateboard last week. Hookups red eye revolution deck w tensor trucks. It's sweet. Wasn't so sweet when I busted my shit on Saturday, but I'm back up and ready to try to hit it again. I'm putting a few quarter pipes in the basement in about a week.
Tomorrow is Imbolc. It makes me feel good to know that spring is just around the corner. I am having a ritual at my place Saturday night and cooking a huge pot of deer stew. That should rock.
Ok, well that's my life as of late...
<x3
Alana |
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| 03:37pm 29/12/2004 |
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music: still bright eyes lol
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YES!!!! There is good news!!!! Bright eyes January 17th in Chicago!!! YAY! |
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| 03:36pm 29/12/2004 |
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mood:  depressed music: bright eyes - lover i dont have to love
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Nothing new. Depressed as usual. Not sure why. I haven't written anything in months....songs, stories, poems....nothing. L'arusso has a show tomorrow. That should rock.
I have a new roomate, Kevin. He's cool. Cute too. And, well....hehe. We've been havin a lot of fun together. Great guy.
I've been spending time with Chris (babydaddy) again. He says he likes me this time but I think its just more of his usual bullshit.
Nothing terribly exciting. Think I might write a lot tonight if I get in at a decent hour. Chris and I might go to Hector's.
HECTOR
OH YEAH
Hector kicks SO much ass. He's this 75 year old Mexican stoner that just sits and tells us stories for hours. I'm starting a new project soon. I'm gonna write a book about him and all the stories he tells me. More to come on that later.
<x3 |
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| Alana and Kevin's results |
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| 11:44pm 17/12/2004 |
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mood:  high music: mustard man - brandon dicamillo
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1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Alana-lived in a depression for liiiiiike 8 months. Met Gerard Way, Less than jake, hawthorne heights, and bert from the used, Shrooms.....and opium.
Kevin - Went to jail...and opium.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Alana - yes, lost 40 lbs.
Kevin - had none
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Alana - Yup, Melissa and Gavin...and Rose will soon. She is having our love child.
Kevin - no
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Alana - Taylor died a year ago this week. My aunt Bunny died, and my cousin
Kevin - Grandpa, Great grandma, Aunt Jean, Dog Tuffy
5. What countries did you visit?
Alana - Indiana....yeeehaw?
Kevin - Countries? There's countries?
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Alana - a guy, more credits, a good band
Kevin - Money, My own place, weed, oh no don't put that...
7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Alana - Oct 16 - I got to hang out w Gerard. Aug 6 - Less than Jake, June 21 George Carlin w Chris W.
Kevin - Fuck, I don't know dates, holy shit...but...that night I went to the orchard w my gf and get wasted and fucked for days
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Alana - Honor society, PsiChi, Meeting my hero
Kevin - Moving to Indiana from Cali
9. What was your biggest failure?
Alana - men
Kevin - letting my dad down
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Alana - Yeah, I had fucking plueracy and it hurt like a bitch. I also lost 2 toenails in a moshpit in August and they are still fucking gone.
Kevin - Collapsed Lung
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Alana - the day I bought Ry those records <x3
Kevin - car
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Alana - Janet Jackson, ME
Kevin - Wendyle
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Alana - George W Bush
Kevin - My cousin
14. Where did most of your money go?
Alana - You don't want to know
Kevin - ditto
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Alana - lotsa concerts
Kevin - Road trip to Indiana
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Alana - I'm not Okay, I promise...and Ides of March
Kevin - POD youth of the nation
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?Alana - bout the same...:( Kevin - Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Alana - thinner Kevin - Fatter
c) richer or poorer? Alana - same Kevin - richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Alana - spend time w my kids
Kevin - Snowboarding and skiing, beaches w campfires and hot naked chicks
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Alana - sleep
Kevin - stupid decisions
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Alana - at erins, joes, and Yule here
Kevin - dad and stepmoms
21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Alana - The sound of it offends me
Kevin - HAELL naw
22. How many one-night stands?
Alana - 3
Kevin - 2
23. What was your favorite TV program?
Alana - kill the TV
Kevin - friends, seinfeld
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Alana - no
Kevin - nope
25. What was the best book you read?
Alana - Manson's long hard road out of hell
Kevin - Left behind series
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Alana - L'arusso!!!Funeral for a friend, postal service, and mae
Kevin - techno...raves
27. What did you want and get?
Alana - My Daisy rock daisy
Kevin - a cool job
28. What did you want and not get?
Alana - a couple guys, go to florida
Kevin - 1990 ford mustang
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Alana - ferenheit 9 11, cky4
Kevin - way too many
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Alana - Ry dumped me on my bday...27
Kevin - holy shit I'm 19, I was in rehab
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Alana - lost more weight...and gotten that one guy I can't mention on here
Kevin - found my true love...no, won the lottery
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Alana - fuck fashion
Kevin - chillin
33. What kept you sane?
Alana - Amanda and Gavin, and Stu
Kevin - God
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Alana - Bam, Thora Birch...and fancy??? WTF kind of shit is FANCY???
Kevin - fuck I dont know the name of chicks, shit...crystal walker ( alana hurls)
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Alana - ummmm our president
Kevin - The election
36. Who did you miss?
Alana - Taylor, dustin, ry, angie, amanda
Kevin - my mom...sobriety
37. Who was the best new person you met?
Alana - Chris L. and kevin...he kicks ass, SR, Darry, Pat, John
Kevin - Crystal Walker...and this other dude, what's his name?
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Alana - Trust no one
Kevin - you get lonely as you get older
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Alana - "forget me it's that simple"
Kevin - "fuck the police fuck the police fuck" |
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| Sat Nov 27th |
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| 09:48pm 18/11/2004 |
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mood:  excited
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Saturday the 27th at 7:00 pm
Bubba's Bowling Alley
325 S College, Indianapolis, IN 46203
Cost: $6
Obedient Defiance
Failed Resistance
Bound&Gagged
L'arusso
Kick ass show, don't miss!!! |
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| ... |
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| 11:32pm 16/11/2004 |
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mood:  blank music: postal service - this place is a prison
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Called IPD today. The guy under the sheet, it was the bum. They are going to see if he has family and would not tell me what they plan to do with him.
Went to my grandma's to visit. Found out my cousin has breast cancer. She's 38. |
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| some random writing assignment...i like it, and yes, its all true |
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| 09:16pm 15/11/2004 |
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mood:  creative
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Another morning of wrestling with my kids and trying to hurry them into the van. Who would have ever thought I’d be driving a minivan? Who would have ever thought that I would be a mother? Me… selfish, childish, crisis-ridden me. Mornings like this, I wish I weren’t. Mother’s don’t get days off. I need a day off. I have the flu, my brain can’t handle trying to reason with a four year old who wants popcorn for breakfast, and I’m so sore I can’t bend over to tie my six-year-old’s shoes.
The piano blasts through the speakers of the van, my eyes blinking involuntarily with the pounding of every key.
This is one of the songs on a mixed CD that I have dubbed “the hangover CD” Although I could count on one hand the number of times in my life that I have been drunk, I call it that because it’s always nice to listen to in the morning when you have had a late night or a bad day, and I imagine if I ever where to have a hangover this would be the only kind of music that wouldn’t drive me nuts. I had heard this song a million times, but not until today did it make much sense to me. Little did I know that this song would be stuck in my head all day long, and today would give it new meaning.
We pull into the Walgreen’s parking lot and as usual I gripe at the girls to hurry up and get out and tell them they are going to make me late. We go into the store and they want to touch everything. My nose is dripping. My eyes burn. My head is pounding. They start to fight…again. I start to scream…again.
In my pre-mommy days I had always hated those hateful bitches who yelled at their children in the supermarket checkout line. How could anyone be so mean? They’re just kids.
This was one of the many things that I always said I would never become. But I did.
“Somethin’ to take it away to take it away to take it
Don’t let it stay don’t let it stay don’t let it”
My kids were upset, I was upset, the day had gone to hell and it was only two hours old. This lady in front of me remarked on her brilliant observation that “Oooo, mommy is sick” and kept scrutinizing my every move as I tried to keep the kids under control without losing control myself. I just kept thinking to myself “I wish that bitch would mind her own damn business.”
After she paid for her things she turned and gave each of the girls a dollar and said to me, “I always wanted a little girl of my own, but never could have one”
I started to cry as I was reminded once again of how selfish I was. The girls thanked her and then were concerned because I was crying. I tried to tell them I was crying because I was happy, but like I said, it’s hard to reason with children.
“The butterflies are passive aggressive and put their problems on the shelf but they’re beautiful”
As I was driving to drop my girls off my thoughts were altered from how terrible it was to be stuck on my own with two kids, to how truly lucky I was to have two beautiful, healthy daughters that think the world of me, and mean everything to me. I take this for granted all too often.
After dropping the girls off I started off on the same old journey to school. As always, when I came to the corner of Washington and West I had a granola bar ready for the homeless man who is always waiting there. Funny, he’s one of the few people I can count on to be there every day.
There was no sign of him anywhere. Perhaps it was too cold and he was at one of the day shelters. He’s probably getting sick of the same old granola bar every day anyway.
“He’s movin’ on with bold refrain
His blatantly old campaign
Is movin’ on”
I found my parking spot on the fourth floor and was an hour early as usual. This is my prized, quiet writing time before class starts. This is when I realized I had been presented with yet another problem – knowing I had an exam today, I left my bag at home. So, I just found my spot in the courtyard and enjoyed my coffee…alone…as always. I watched the beautiful people move from the hack circle to the lawn and play Frisbee and eavesdropped on a few meaningless conversations about how to diffuse your hair and Revlon’s newest shade of nail polish. Why do people like this exist? Furthermore, how the hell did they get into college? It’s sad…really.
“He’ll realize the only thing that’s real are the kids that kid themselves and the demise of the beautiful
What is beautiful?”
I used to be beautiful. Now I’m just fat and repulsive. I have no friends, I’m alone all the time, and it makes me sick.
I turned to find someone else to spy on and I saw this boy, about twenty five, and quite attractive. I noticed he used a cane, and I watched as he took at least a full minute to make it down the four steps in front of the doors to Cavanaugh. Then he stood there and caught his breath before taking another twenty or so steps and resting again. I wondered what had happened to him…or if he had always been that way.
Once again, I started to think of how bad other people have it and how selfish I am to wallow in my petty problems. I’m fat because I’m lazy. If I would get off my ass and do a few jumping jacks once in a while, I wouldn’t be in this situation. Instead I am so lazy that I try to find the closest parking space to the building, when guys like this would be ecstatic if only they could walk across a parking lot…something else I take for granted every day.
I laid back on the cement surrounding my little tree and closed my eyes, and thought…maybe things aren’t really so bad.
“It starts stoppin’ when it stops stopping’ It starts stoppin’ when it stops stoppin’.”
Played over and over and over in my head, you know, speeding up the way it does. After a few minutes I started to kind of bob my head to this imaginary music and smile. When I opened my eyes a few people were looking at me, but that’s ok.
I was ready for my test.
I ran up there stairs as fast as I could…because I could. I found my seat and listened to another meaningless conversation. Some girl who talks loud enough so that everyone in the room can hear her. Does she do that on purpose, or is she really just that loud? Anyway, she went on and on about her cat, “fay fay” for what had to be the twentieth time.
Dr. K. Finally showed up and I bullshat my way through another exam, getting an undeserved A. Then I left.
As if I hadn’t seen enough today to remind me how bad other people had it, I was driving past military park and noticed an ambulance by the shelter. There was a white sheet, obviously covering someone who had just died, or just been found dead. Beside the white sheet was a green and white blanket and a red backpack. I recognized them immediately. They belong to the bum. The one from West street. I can’t say for sure, but I think it was him under that sheet. To think that there are billions of people out there and this man died cold, alone, and hungry.
I started to cry. I didn’t stop until I hit the interstate. It’s unbelievable that everyone at some point in their lives feels so sorry for themselves, when catastrophes like this happen every day. I felt so guilty for ever even being upset. People, myself included, need to realize that when they feel like this, that it could always be worse. |
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| everyone sucks |
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| 08:21pm 13/11/2004 |
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mood: crushed music: norma jean - cell phones
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Not that anyone reads this, but life sucks right now.
I was so excited earlier this week cause Cody called and we are "on again". Well, he's still a fuckstick, he stood me up tonight. He's staying in Martinsville w some guy and some girl. Asshole.
So, since he stood me up, I called Andrea to see if she wanted to go to the coffee house. She was real excited and sounded like she wanted to go, and said she'd be ready in a few minutes. WELL, I call her back in 5 minutes and her phone is busy....for 10 minutes. Then I finally get through and get the answering machine...twice. So, I try her cell and she doesn't answer that, either. Then she has Erin call and tell me she isn't going because she is sick. WTF? just pick up the fucking phone and tell me so I wouldn't go through all the trouble of getting ready to go out and finding a sitter for my kids. FUCK
I hate everyone right now. |
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| Don't forget to vote.... |
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| 01:36am 09/11/2004 |
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mood: bouncy music: sex pistols anarchy in the uk
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| WTF? I am soooo LAME |
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| 03:30am 04/11/2004 |
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Name: Alana
birthday: 8/25/1977
sign: Virgo
age: 27
sex: of course
locatoin: naptown, biatch
school: IUPUI
glasses/contacts: Glasses
braces: Never
fat/skinny: monsterous
tall/short: Average
do you like ketchup: no
do you like mustard: Yes
do you like mayonaise: No
do you like pickles: yup
do you like boys or girls: both
do you like pickle relish (yuck): Yes
do you like chicken: Yes
do you like spinach: no
do you have any sibling: Yes
what are their names: April, Anna, Andrea, and Joshua
how old are they: 24, died at 18, 17, and 23
do you have any pets: Yes
what are their names: Link, Omalley, Penelope, Cary, Jupiter
what kind of pets are they: Snake, 3 Cats, dog
do you like school: sometimes
if you could choose anyone to rule the world who would you choose: Will
do you like pokemon: fuck no
do you talk to voices in your head: Sometimes
do they tell you to do stuff: Sometimes
do you listen: Sometimes
have you ever had wet dreams about someone: yup
how often do you talk on the phone: I work on the phone
how often do you surf the web: Too often
how often do you hang out with friends: Not often enough
do you have a bf/gf: No
do you love them: ...
have you ever loved anyone: no
have you ever made-out with someone: Duh
are you loopy: i dont think so...
have you ever broke any bones: Yes
if so, which ones: my clavical, 4 ribs, my nose twice, my jaw, and my tailbone 3 times
how often do you shower: only on holidays
which group do you hang out with at school: there are groups? I never noticed..
do you get good grades: yeah
do you always get in trouble: who me??
do you get along with your parents: NO
are you gonna go to college: ummmm
who is your best girl friend: Gavin
who is your best boy friend: Will
who do you talk to the most on the phone: horny old men
who do you talk to the most on the net: Will, Chris, Crash,
do you like email or snail mail better: E-Mail
do you like gold or silver jewlry: Silver
have you ever prank called a 1-800 number: yup
have you ever tried to impress your crush and ended up embaressing yourself: yup
what are you most afraid of: mice
are you weird: indeed
how long does it take you to get ready for school: 10 minutes
do you have a crush: yes
what are there names: can't say
do they like you: probably not
do you sleep with one pillow or two: 5
do you like coffee: yup
if not, howz come:
what is the longest you have went out with someone: 3 years
do you regret it: all but Sierra
how do you know the person who sent this to you: I met him on here, he reads my hooker site...he's pretty cool, too ;)
Where...
where do you want to live? right now? anywhere but the us
is the most fun place to go? rock shows of course
do you want to meet your husband/wife? in bed
do you want to go heaven or hell? well, if this were a world of make believe, I'd have an easier time answering that...
do you want to get married? not sure
what...
Do you like to do? Go to shows
was the most fun retreat/trip you ever went on? Florida my Sr year HS spring break
friend is always there? Will, Gavin, Patrick
relative sends you the most money for christmas? Gram do you like about your church or school clique? WTF?do you want to be when you grow up? a rockstar
do you want your husbands name to be? are you retarded?
is your favorite sport? skating
is your favorite piece of clothing? My New Kids On The Block shirt
have you, in the last 24 hrs...
Cried? yes
gotten in major trouble? not to my knowlege
cut your hair? No
ate a meal? yes
hugged someone? yes
kissed someone? yes
made a new friend? yes
lost something? yes
have you ever...
Been so drunk you passed out? yes hehe
gone out in public in your pajamas? yes
had an imaginary friend? yes
cried during a chick flick? yes
owned a new kids on the block cd? yes
gotten in a car accident? Yes
liked someone so much you cried? Yes
cussed when your parents were around? Yes
told your sister/brother he/she was a bitch? Among choicer words, yes
sung in front of the mirror? Yes
made faces in the mirror? yup
spent more than one hour on your hair? no
sleep- walked talked in your sleep? why...yes...i have
watched a scary movie and couldn’t sleep all night? Nope
gone caroling? Yes
movies…
what is the funniest movie you ever saw? CKY4
what is the stupidest movie? pi
which movie could you watch over and over? Party Monster **kisses to Will**.
what was the last movie you saw? Matchstick Men
who do you go to the movies with? Will, my dad, Amanda
what movie mad you cry the most? My girl
did you like titanic? somewhat
if you were stranded on an island…
who would you take? Sierra, and Raven, and Will
who would you take if you only had two people you could bring? Sierra, and Raven
what three things would you bring? My guitar, a lighter, and a knife
what island would you want to be stranded on? I didn't relize I would have a choice in the matter
what animal would you kill for food? any and all
would you write on the sand “help!”? probably
would you panic or relax? both
would you ever...
Jump out of a plane? If I had to
kiss your best guy friend (or if you’re a guy girl friend)? yes
go bunjy jumping? Yes, learn to spell you pathetic moron
stay in your room for a whole day? Not even allowed to go to the bathroom? no
go in the snow without clothes? been there, done that
skinny dip? that too
drink salt water? no
touch road kill? done it
take a job even if it meant you’d be away from your guy? no
smile at your worst enemy? why?
play 8,000 bowling games in one night? I'd like to find out who wrote this and piss down their throat
go to reno to get married? sure
gamble? Why not?
bring shorts to minnesota? sure
have a make-out party? are you 10?
throw a party without your parents? I repeat the question...
go to a foreign country? yes
fly a plane? dont know
who.....
If you died tomorrow who would you leave everything you own to? My kids
if you had to go live in borneo for the rest of your life and you could take one person ? WHAT?
on this earth,who would you take? What does this question even mean?
who is the one person that you could stand spending a straight 24 hours with and not get the slightest bit annoyed with? Will
if you woke up one morning and noticed that your leg was missing who would be the first person you would call? The motherfucking doctor, you whore!
let's say your dad came in your room one day and told you that you had to get married in the next week but you can pick the person but you have to stay with them for the rest of your life no getting out of it, who would you pick? Will
what if you woke up tomorrow and you were someone else completely, who would you be? Jello fucking Biafra
what......
What would be the first thing you would do if you woke up one morning and you were the opposite sex? wank off
if all of a sudden you had the ability to do one thing better than everyone else, have one amazing talent, what would it be? rocking
if you could change one thing about yourself, what would you change(personality and looks)? i would lose lotsa weight, and I would kick ass at guitar
what is your dream career? Being a fucking rockstar, didn't I already answer this?
what is the one thing you just have to do before you die? flash my 80 year old titties at a rock show
if you could be a member of any band that has ever exsisted, what band would that be? DK, duh
what is the thing you care about most in your life? My kids, and music
which one......
Winter or summer? Summer
the beach or the mountains? Beach
pop or punk? Punk
rock or rap? Rock
new york or l.A.? LA
milk chocolate or dark chocolate? dark chocolate
dogs or cats? cats
britney or christina? Britney
leno or letterman? Leno
mtv or vh1? VH1
country or classical? Classical
day or night? Night
lake or ocean? Ocean
waffles or pancakes? pancakes
soccer or football? soccer
baseball or swimming? Baseball
chocolate or vanilla? Swirl
sugar or spice? Spice
grisham or canyon vista? How are these two related?
eminem-please stand up or please shut up? Please stand up
random....
If you could be in any movie as the lead role what movie would it be? Michael in Party Monster
if you could design your perfect mate what would he/she look like and be like? I'm not answering this
if you won the lottery what would you do with your, let's say, 18 million dollars? Buy a house and become a foster parent, save for college for the kids, buy a car for each of us, put a million in savings, give the rest to my grandparents
what is the single most embarressing thing that has ever happened to you? When I was 16 and I told my (single) father that I thought I had an std...come to find out I was allergic to Latex
have you ever.....
Fallen in front of someone you thought to be quite good looking? among other things
run into a wall? Yes.
sleep walked? yes, I already answered this
gone skinny-dipping? yes, I already answered this
kissed someone of the same sex? Yes, I already answered this
snuck out of the house at night? No, I already answered this
gotten in a car wreck where you are the driver? Yes
laughed so hard that what you were drinking spewed out your nose? Yes
started laughing really hard so you just spit out what you had in your mouth cause you couldn't swallow(alison)? Why couldn't I swallow Alison? Did she cry rape?
swallow a bug? Yes
have you ever actually kept a new year's resolution? yes
if so what was it?losing weight among more personal things
say a few things about the person who sent this too you..... He seems pretty cool
~*~*would you ever*~*~
eat bugs purposely? Yes, I already answered this
commit a crime? Absolutely, name one
change your religion? perhaps
lie to your parents? Yes
jump over a waterfall? HELL NO
change clothes in front of an open window? all the time
dress up as the opposite sex for an important event? yes
go out at night dressed in something like a black trenchoat and sunglasses? Totally. I'd be adorable
sing a harmonized duet in front of 500 strangers? all the time
tell someone that you liked them if they were much older than you? I don't like older men...tehehehe
~*~*have you ever*~*~
lied to your parents about something really important? Important in the long run? yes
have your life threatened? Yes
stumbled across fbi secrets online? no
stayed up until the morning light talking online? No
made people give you really wierd glances? Yes
if yes, how? have you ever been anywhere with Will???
read a shakespeare play? Yes
talked in your sleep? yes, you fucktard, I already answered this before
what did you say? Spank me daddy, ive been bad
*Strange incoherent mumblings* Ooh yeah. . . Honk honk!
sung at a kareoke bar? No
**love/like**
who do i have a crush on: I answered this, how many braincells do you have???
who do you like: WTF
have you ever gone out with them: yes
have you ever kissed them: no
do you wanna kiss them: yeah
what is the farest you have gone with a guy/girl: You don't want to go there...
are you a virgin: ummm sure
** if you the oppisite sex fill out**
do you like me? No
have you ever liked me? No
have we ever gone out? No
do you want do go out with me? Would I get some?
are we friends.. Never
Friends w/ benifits.. Learn how to spell "benefits", then we'll 'talk'
Going out? No chance in Hell
which would you like to be out of the above? "Sorry, I must have lost your number."
do you want to kiss me? If it will shut you the fuck up
have we ever kissed? no thank goddess
if so am i a good kisser?
how far have we gone? too far
do you wish we went further?burn in hell
How much further? burnt to a crisp
do you think we will go out in the future? Not after seeing your grammar
how far do you think i have gone? too far |
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| 12:01am 28/10/2004 |
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mood:  accomplished music: Dream Theatre - caught in a web
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Well, I am a very sad Alana. The Cadavers are no more :(
On another note, I got a lot accomplished today. I worked out for the first time in weeks- YAY ME! I cleaned my office - WOW there's a floor in here!! I made bread in my bread machine - It was gross. AND I got another A on a psych test - My grades are comin back up, baby. Oh, yeah, and I'm phone whoring it again - money money money money MONEY!!!
I wrote a KILLER song last night! I'm workin on the guitar now. Well, not at this very second, but...in like 10 minutes. I needed a smoke.
Today Is a very good day! I'm proud of myself. I should get off my fat ass and do something more often, it feels great!
<x3
Alana |
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| Go to this or I'll burn your house down!! |
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| 09:36pm 21/10/2004 |
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Sat. 23rd @ Logos In Franklin
Losing Indiana
L'arusso
Goodwen
The Red Racer
A Moment In September
These are all great bands! Come check them out! Doors open at 7 and I think admission is $7. Logos is an all ages venue in Franklin. |
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| I'm so fucked up |
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| 11:42pm 18/10/2004 |
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mood: depressed music: mae-giving it away
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I am so SO depressed. I don't quite know why. I mean, my life sucks, so it could be one of many things.
My grades are still down. Maybe I need some time off. I piss myself off every time I sit down w my guitar. I'm worried sick about Raven. I hate it here so much, need to get out of here. I've been writing a LOT, which is the only productive thing I've been up to. Not like it matters, though. Finally there is the everlasting problem of my lack of lovelife. Yeah, if I'm so "cool" why can't I get a date? I'll tell ya...cause I'm fat and gross and ugly. No one cares about who I am, just what I look like. That will change, though. I mean, the way I look. It already is, and I guess that's something to be happy about, too. It's not good enough yet, though. I still have no clue what I want to do w the rest of my life. I can't do psychology. I already screwed that up. Dr.'s just don't make D's. I'vr been looking into music programs, but wtf is a music program in Indiana gonna get me. Which brings me back to the problem of needing so badly to get away from here. Which leads back to the problem that I'm broke and can't live on my own without grandpa paying all the bills for me, so I'm stuck here till I get a better job, which means finishing school, which once again is sucking so much ass...
And so it just goes round and round in circles. I need to sort this out. I need to do it quick. I'm not getting any younger and if I don't do something soon, I'll really be screwed.
<xxx3
Alana |
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| 03:29pm 17/10/2004 |
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mood: bouncy music: mae - embers and envelopes
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Ok, so I wound up going to the show alone last night. It wasn't so bad. I finally got to listen to the entire Mae CD, which was sweet ass!
I was a bit bummed, but, had a great time. Anberlin was kick ass. Then My Chemical Romance came on and I got squished and knocked over, the usual, but I managed to maintain my place of front and center...within arms length of the stage. Quite sweet. When it was over I went up to the balcony to watch the rest of the show. I couldn't quite stomach Lost Prophets, and I had already seen SOTY 3 times, so I decided to go walk around. I wanted to get one of the MCR posters of the wall, and by the time I got out there they were all gone. I was real bummed. I could have cried. SO....
I left.
As I was walking to my car I walked past these busses. Tour busses. When who should step off of one of them but GERARD FUCKING WAY!!!! I just stood there and stared for like 2 or 3 seconds and he smiled and walked up to me and stuck out his hand. "Hi, I'm Gerard." I said, "I know" He just laughed. He was so cool. We hung out for a bit. He took my ticket to another bus to have Frank sign it. Mikey and Ray were totally just walking around like they didn't mind me being there at all. It was so crazy!!
After a while, before the show was gonna let out, they all had to go. I waited around as long as I could to meet Frank, but ti didn't happen. Oh well, it's cool cause Gerard was the coolest guy ever!! I had one pic left on my camera so I snapped this before I left.
This was definately a night to remember.
<x3
Alana |
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| Good news n bad news |
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| 09:44pm 14/10/2004 |
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mood: i think music: Hawthorne Heights - Ohio is for lovers
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Good news n bad news.
Chris L. really wants to go to chi w me this weekend, so I MAY not have to go alone.
But he's real sick. * :( * Poor kid. He went to practice w strep throat and screamed and made it worse.
Sooooo, I may not be stuck alone after all!! Then again, I might.
Soooo...Saturday night I'm going to see MCR no matter what, Sunday night I'm going to see Cake @the Vogue, Next Friday is Sierra and Raven's Halloween party, The next day, Sat. is L'arusso (go or I'll kill you) and then the day after that, next Sun. is Hawthorne Heights. WHEW! My 4th cousin's sox will be rocked after that week.
<x3
Alana |
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| Any idears? |
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| 09:42pm 13/10/2004 |
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mood:  cranky music: MCR - I'm not okay (I promise)
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TONIGHT the president claims that he never said that he was not concerned w Bin Laden. Ummmmm...this is from the white house web site....you can find it here:
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2002/03/20020313-8.html
Q Mr. President, in your speeches now you rarely talk or mention Osama bin Laden. Why is that? Also, can you tell the American people if you have any more information, if you know if he is dead or alive? Final part -- deep in your heart, don't you truly believe that until you find out if he is dead or alive, you won't really eliminate the threat of --
THE PRESIDENT: Deep in my heart I know the man is on the run, if he's alive at all. Who knows if he's hiding in some cave or not; we haven't heard from him in a long time. And the idea of focusing on one person is -- really indicates to me people don't understand the scope of the mission.
Terror is bigger than one person. And he's just -- he's a person who's now been marginalized. His network, his host government has been destroyed. He's the ultimate parasite who found weakness, exploited it, and met his match. He is -- as I mentioned in my speech, I do mention the fact that this is a fellow who is willing to commit youngsters to their death and he, himself, tries to hide -- if, in fact, he's hiding at all.
So I don't know where he is. You know, I just don't spend that much time on him, Kelly, to be honest with you. I'm more worried about making sure that our soldiers are well-supplied; that the strategy is clear; that the coalition is strong; that when we find enemy bunched up like we did in Shahikot Mountains, that the military has all the support it needs to go in and do the job, which they did.
And there will be other battles in Afghanistan. There's going to be other struggles like Shahikot, and I'm just as confident about the outcome of those future battles as I was about Shahikot, where our soldiers are performing brilliantly. We're tough, we're strong, they're well-equipped. We have a good strategy. We are showing the world we know how to fight a guerrilla war with conventional means.
Q But don't you believe that the threat that bin Laden posed won't truly be eliminated until he is found either dead or alive?
THE PRESIDENT: Well, as I say, we haven't heard much from him. And I wouldn't necessarily say he's at the center of any command structure. And, again, I don't know where he is. I -- I'll repeat what I said. I truly am not that concerned about him. I know he is on the run. I was concerned about him, when he had taken over a country. I was concerned about the fact that he was basically running Afghanistan and calling the shots for the Taliban.
But once we set out the policy and started executing the plan, he became -- we shoved him out more and more on the margins. He has no place to train his al Qaeda killers anymore. And if we -- excuse me for a minute -- and if we find a training camp, we'll take care of it. Either we will or our friends will. That's one of the things -- part of the new phase that's becoming apparent to the American people is that we're working closely with other governments to deny sanctuary, or training, or a place to hide, or a place to raise money.
And we've got more work to do. See, that's the thing the American people have got to understand, that we've only been at this six months. This is going to be a long struggle. I keep saying that; I don't know whether you all believe me or not. But time will show you that it's going to take a long time to achieve this objective. And I can assure you, I am not going to blink. And I'm not going to get tired. Because I know what is at stake. And history has called us to action, and I am going to seize this moment for the good of the world, for peace in the world and for freedom.
Mike Allen. I'm working my way back, slowly but surely. Michael.
Does anyone else think thisy is "wishy washy"?
One last thought...Kerry is the man, but WTF is an "idear"?
<x3
Alana |
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