oh baby be my lover, go on and pull that trigger

( another topical rant )

It's strange how different your life ends up being from the way you thought it would be.

^---apologies for poor grammatical structure...it's a hard concept to articulate, I guess.

I just came across something that confuses me quite a bit - maybe someone can help explain it to me.

I just watched an ad that someone apparently allowed to be on TV about how same-sex marriage is a "gathering storm" (YouTube it) and how it is a threat and imposes on the rights of Christians and concerned parents. I went to the website of the organization, just to see how deep the crazy went, and again found more statements that used the phrase "IMPOSING same-sex marriage".

The logic of this phrasing confuses me. What it seems like they're trying to say is that allowing gays to marry infringes on the rights of people who don't like same-sex marriage. But to me, that doesn't make any sense. Here's why:

I really fail to see how same-sex marriages impose on anyone. The commercial was talking about how some guy's company wasn't allowed to discriminate against gays and some mom had to let her kids be taught about how homosexuality isn't horrible and evil. HORROR. I bet it's really hard for KKK members to watch their kids go to public school with black kids, too, or to live in this country now that there's a black president. I bet there's some man out there who really hates that I'm typing on a computer in my college dorm right now instead of making him a sandwich and bearing his children. But does anyone (rational) feel sorry for these people, or concerned that their rights are being "imposed upon"? Because I sure don't.

From a legal standpoint, though, the imposing thing really doesn't make ANY sense. You can't impose on a right that doesn't exist. The right to discriminate? Not a right. It's not in the Constitution. I don't know who told people that they had the right to deny people jobs based on personal opinion about gender, race, or sexuality, but from my (admittedly limited) understanding of the American legal system this has never been anyone's right - in fact it seems to me that it's pretty much the opposite of civil rights. Did I...miss something? Any poli-sci students out there are free to correct me.

And as for kids being taught in school that it's okay to be gay - isn't this really the same argument as the whole teaching evolution in schools thing? If you're the kind of parent who doesn't want your children being exposed to anything that you don't agree with or believe in, then take them out of public school and teach them yourself. Because that's the only way they're never going to hear anything that you don't want them to hear. Or, better yet, take the time you spend making hateful offensive TV commercials and TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN. If you want your kids to oppose gay marriage, then you sit with them at home and tell them why you think it's wrong and that the bad liberal hippie teacher is trying to fill their brain with propaganda. No one's stopping you. Why? Because that really WOULD be imposing on your rights.

This seems like mostly a public vs. private debate to me. Like I said above, it's the difference between stopping something being taught to a large group of children in a public school and preventing a parent from teaching their own child something in their own home. No one is trying to take away the latter, only the former, because public rights are a matter of civic concern and private rights are - well, private. As I see them, private things are things that only affect one person or a small group of people (like that person and their partner, or their family and friends). What I don't understand is how marriage isn't private. If I went outside right now and married the first man I saw, would it affect any of you reading this? I'm sure my friends and family would be confused and upset that I'd made such a rash decision, but would it, say, "impose" on their rights? I can't see how.

The more I think about this, the less I can see the logic in it. But I'm still willing to wonder if I'm wrong. So some general questions for anyone reading this:

Male friends: Do you feel like it imposes on your rights when I vote? Go to class? Refuse to marry you? If I were to wear a short skirt and walk across the street, would my personal choice of clothing affect the public enough that any man who sees me has the right to rape me (taking away my personal right to choose who I have sex with)?

Homosexual friends: Does heterosexual marriage impose on YOUR rights? If I marry a man, will this cause a "gathering storm" to blow in and ruin your lives? If I marry a woman, will it consequently make everything in your life wonderful and perfect? And, most importantly, does this wedding dress make me look fat?

Religious friends: Does having freedom of religion mean that you're free from having anyone ever question, challenge, or pass laws that contradict your religious beliefs? Does it mean your children should never be taught about anything that doesn't comply with them? Could it be possible that freedom of religion means your children could have the opportunity to choose their own religious beliefs, even if they're different than yours? And just for the Christians: If homosexuality is a sin, and God punishes sinners in the afterlife, and you're 100% sure that God and hell exist, then does it matter if gays get married here on Earth? Won't they be punished for their sins by God later anyway? Couldn't you just look the other way and let Him take care of it?

I'm interested to see if anyone has answers for these questions. Your input is greatly appreciated - maybe someone can help me understand how people can actually rationalize this whole "imposing gay marriage" thing. It's really hurting my brain (and soul) at the moment. Thanks in advance!

because this always makes me feel a little better:

( ten things for ten people )

( from Jesse )

so i'm still bored, and missing my Chicago friends, so I think I'm going to post some pictures of some of the awesome things that happened this semester:

( fall/winter '08 )

i'm at home in Indiana and extremely bored, and found this on a friend's facebook:

( abc )

For some reason Facebook wouldn't let me post this, so I'm posting it ( here )

( bored again, stolen from purplesquirrels: )

last night was the first time in an extremely long time that I actually felt like there was hope for this country, for my generation, for really anything at all.

i can't help but wonder if i'm wrong. if that feeling was nothing more than the feeling of Michigan Avenue, crowded with people who were screaming and selling t-shirts and playing random instruments - if it's just the sensation that at least for one night i was in solidarity with one million people. maybe it's just an extension of the way i always feel when i walk down Michigan Avenue, that sensation that i am small and the world is huge and maybe nothing matters. but i still feel like something changed last night, and that i was part of it.

whether something really changes or not, i think what most of us found last night was hope.
and maybe that's what we all really needed.

the morning will come
in the press of every kiss
with your head upon my chest
where i will annoy you
with every waking breath
until you
decide to wake up

this would all be easier if he would just call. or give some indication at all that he cares that i'm leaving and after a summer of being together at work every single day we will now not see each other for...i don't even know how long. possibly months. we weren't apart for more than 4-5 days, all summer.

it would just be nice to know that he cared.

this is what i get for trying to have a summer fling, for actually thinking that this could work. i suppose i'm just going to have to dive into school and try to keep myself busy enough that i don't think about him anymore.

wish me luck!

*sigh*

now for the first time i remember why i really didn't want to come home this summer.

it's not that it hasn't been great. it completely was - that's the problem. now that it's nearly over, it just all seems so...pointless.

i'm going back to chicago, and that's where i'll be living. and then rome, and then back to chicago again, probably for...well, for the next 5-10 years of my life, if everything goes the way i've planned it. my life is in the city...so what was the point of coming home? i mean, i know WHY i decided to come home - so i could work and save up money and not have to pay rent because i'm living with my parents. but all the things i didn't plan on...well, those are the things that seem pointless. and the things that hurt.

namely:

- finding out that i really actually like being a camp counselor, and knowing that even though the job will be here next summer, i won't. (have you ever had to explain to a small child why they'll probably never see you again? yeah, not fun)
- meeting a really amazing guy who actually likes me but knowing we'll never actually be together, so really it would've been easier if we'd never met
- getting close to the other counselors, whom i'll probably only see maybe 2-3 times a year from now on (if that)
- getting attached to kids who probably won't remember me at all in a couple months or so (if they haven't forgotten already) even though i'll never forget some of them

i dunno. i know i should stop whining, and that this is all the kind of shit that every college student goes through and that by now i should be used to it. but really, moving back and forth gets harder every time...not easier. because every time i leave chicago i'm closer to the friends i'm leaving behind, and every time i leave home it's one time closer to the day i leave for good. and that just...fucking scares me shitless, quite frankly.

i just don't want to say goodbye anymore. i know that learning to let go is part of growing up, but i'm tired of growing up. it always hurts.

all i want is to go back to camp and sing songs and pretend the real world doesn't exist. is that so much to ask?

but you, you, you...
you had better things to do

i'm getting restless again. i can feel it.

it's like a show itch, building up. first i start to run, then i'm driving around and around, and then i can't sleep anymore. then maybe comes the drinking, the bad poetry...i don't know. i don't know what happens next. all i know is i always know when it's time to move on. my body always knows.

i think maybe for awhile i remembered who i was and forgot who i am. right now i'm restless, right now i need to move and explore and be detached and do things the wrong way and run away from home. and maybe someday i can come back here and be settled, and enjoy things that are simple and real and normal, but...not right now. not today. today is for wildness. and i think i can be okay with that.

i think maybe for the first time in a long time i actually understand what i need.


((and i don't think i need you anymore))

In my life thus far, I've always believed that the people I've met, loved, become close to, etc, have all been there for a reason. I'm not a religious person, but I believe that there are things that life has to teach us and that people are brought together to change each other and help prepare for future relationships...that's probably a corny thing to say, but whatever. The point is, even though many people have hurt me and even though there are some people that I don't like and don't want to be around, I have never regretted knowing someone, meeting them, or spending time with them. Not once, not for a second.

Until today.

Congratulations, baby, you're the first. I hope this was all worth it.

did i just do the right thing? or did i just make a kind-of bad situation into a really bad one?

time will tell.

I feel the need to update, since all of my recent entries don't seem to reflect at all how my life has been lately.

When I first got home, I was really chicago-sick and a little lonely and depressed and bored. But somehow, the past three weeks has totally changed everything. Why? Camp, actually, is why.

I was totally expecting to hate being a day camp counselor. The 8-hour days and early mornings, all the whiny kids, having to enforce the rules, etc...honestly, i wasn't completely looking forward to it. And yeah, all that stuff kinda sucks, and some days are worse than others. But the weird thing is, so far it's all been totally worth it. As annoying as they are, the kids totally make up for it when they hold your hand or make you a bead bracelet or just follow you around all the time because they want to be like you. I also thought, after training, that i was probably not going to be friends with the other counselors, but i was 100% wrong about that. After like 2-3 weeks I'm already really close with the two other girls in my camp, which is awesome. I even made a guy friend...someone i can actually bond with the way i did with my high school and loyola boys. Most days I actually look forward to waking up and going to work, which is something i never thought would be possible until i graduated and got theatre work. Despite the fact that last week life decided to throw some speed bumps at me, most of the time I really genuinely feel pretty good. I honestly can't remember the last time I could say that and mean it.

I'm starting to feel like a different person, and the scary thing is that I kind of like it.

And there's still like 5 weeks left. So more updates as things happen, hopefully.

( another installment of 'conversations with parker' )

for a few minutes i had actually convinced myself that i was over it. and then tonight i thought i saw someone at work who looked like him, and that split second in which my mind could picture him physically in the same space as me was...jarring. conclusive evidence that i'm not, in fact, over it. but i shrugged it off and kept working. and then when i got home i was looking at facebook profiles and almost started crying.

i miss my boys. in a way that is somehow physically painful. there are lots more boys here, pretty ones even, but they are not mine. i don't care about pretty anymore, i just want MY boys. they don't have to buy me dinner or take me out or have sex with me, just sitting on my futon watching TV or amusing me on the el is fine. that's all i want.

i can't drive up to chicago anytime soon either, i have to work lots and lots. so there's nothing at all i can do about it.

whatever.

( another rant about dating )

( don't read if you don't like to hear me rant: )