...and tomorrow's the first exam of the year. Yet, here I am, of all possible moments, writing a journal entry about med school. Procrastination takes many forms.

Writing doesn't come by as often anymore, as my writing is fueled by emotional turmoil. Things are happy as of the moment, and I have no complaints. Except that maybe I'm too detached from the whole academic process of med school. Every day I look back to how I was in college. Yes, until now after a year of fun-filled medical education. Getting through first year was not really a clear vision a six months ago, and now I wonder how I managed to get through second sem without taking any final exam (removals is a different story, but studying for it was a luxury compared to the usual grind). I don't know how I made it here, considering my study habits; old habits die hard.

Going back, let's just say that I sleep a lot and I'm late almost every day. I don't talk about medicine when I don't need to, and I stay away from Manila as much as I can. I'm not as GC as my classmates, and I really don't mind not getting a high mark (as long as it's still salvageable). I despise competition, yet it seems to be essential for everyday interaction in UP med. Attendance is a must, but I'm not always there.

To put it simply, I'm a bad student.

And it's bothering me because I feel I'm being judged according to standards I don't even know that exist. Over the past year, I've learned not to care about what other people think, and strive for my own happiness. No one I need to please, no additional problems, I believe. However, grades will always be somewhat a measure of excellence, and it may implicate in the near future.

The things is though, I don't think I want good grades anymore. With the consequences that it brings, I think I'd rather be barely making it through, yet be very satisfied with everything else in my life.

Oh well. Back to studying.

One blog post said that the happiest you'll be during your medical career is between the time when you receive your acceptance letter and your first day in med school. So far, it's holding true. Half a sem into med school, I've done crazy things, and realized a few as well.

Feeling constricted, I tried to go out as much as I can to hold on to whatever concept of "humanity" and "normalcy" I have, since I was under the assumption that med students are machines made to absorb a lot of information given a short amount of time. I played and organized gigs, I applied for a music org in UP Diliman while being a student of UP Manila, I drank during weekdays, went out to study in Katipunan and other places in QC while living in Manila, and a lot more I don't remember. Basically, while I partied hard, I studied harder.

However, much to my disappointment, I got dismal grades. For my ego, it shattered that image that I built for the past five years. That cum laude at the end of my undergrad transcript suddenly meant nothing as it didn't do anything to help me through my first sem. Fortunately, I've been through things like these and it didn't bring me down as much as it did before.

At the brink of my medical career being jeopardized this early, I don't regret what I did. I'd be going crazy if I left them hanging. I think my grades would've been dismal either way, since I have adjustment problems. So, what's the point?

Aside from learning everything about the body that is normal, I think, this early, that med school is about getting up again as soon as possible from failure. It's about fighting smart not only for yourself but also for others that will benefit from our expertise in the future. I should push forward in the right direction, taking short rests in between. After all, I'm still human.

As the door to my first sem closed only recently, I turn my head now towards the other door--2nd sem. It opens slowly, and a bright blinding light leaks from its corners.